Post a funny one liner:
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on whether or not the light bulb wants to change.
I know it's not a one-liner but I had to share:
Breaking and Entering
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
If the cops arrest a mime-
do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
For all those golfers:
Man always blames fate for all other accidents except
when he gets a hole in one.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
If a turtle doesn't have a shell,
is he homeless or just naked? hmmm lol
Oh this is soooooo addicting. I should stop poking the sand with my stick.
15 Ways to be Annoying
1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."
4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."
9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
When going through the drive-thu, make your order and at the end of your order, inform them that "it's to go".
lol hee hee how about this,
(I really did this one time):
~solicitor called my house right~ (caller ID)
Me answering the phone:, "Frank is that you?"
Me: Frank how the hell are you?
Solicitor: I ...I am sorry I must have the wrong #?!?!?!
ME: This is not Frank??? hmmm I must have dialed wrong #!
Solicitor: I ...I am sorry
Me: I'm so sorry Have a great night! Bye! "click"
omg try it! Cracked me up for hours!!!
Okay, here's another one:
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
what's funniest is they think they messed some thing up he he he he the sound of confusion in their voice is sooo priceless!!!!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef!
Oh no I didn't! lol he he hee
My husband I went through a drive through. We placed our order went to the pick up window to have the following conversation:
Server: What kind of sauce do you want?
Spouse: Give us an assortment.
Server: (pause) What's that?
Spouse: (even longer pause then speaks slowly) A few of each.
Server: Oh. Okay
And they let her handle money.
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How many and why?
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