How would you be a help to someone who is showing signs of abuse?

1. 61

   Deborah-Lynnposted 14 years ago

   Abuse victims are most usually in the state of denial in the beginning, so when a loved one sees the symptoms and tries to help, they are treated by the victim as a trouble maker or worse. So is it worth the risk of losing the relationship to try to help someone who won't admit they are in serious trouble?

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      frogdroppingposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Often it's not denial - that's just a defence mechanism. So many things upset the victim's ability to think in a rational manner, or even respond the same way.
      
      You have to factor in their self-esteem, the fact that inside, they're probably embarrassed about their situation. For others, it may well be fear that provokes the 'I'm fine' response'. Or even both. So many little things.
      
      You will have to just try and make youself available, without encroaching or getting so caught up it begins to affect you. I know it's not easy.
      
      The bottom line is this: you can't help a person that's not ready to help themselves. But you can when they're ready. The thing is Deborah, a lot also want to be the one that makes a difference to the abuse, be the one to change them. So many interlocking yet wholly negative facets going on. I wish I had a easy answer.
      
      Be the friend, or sister, or whatever you are. Keep quiet but show you care, you're available. Body language is a wonderful tool - and abused people are often expert readers of body language, they have to be. Think outside the box about how you can help, without adding to the victims already heavy weight.

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      1. 73

         Eaglekiwiposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Great post frogs , very perceptive and helpful advice indeed ,specially liked the body language thing. So true.
         
         Good luck Deb, keep on being available for hope may be the only light she remembers when she most needs it.

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   2. 0

      rednckwmnposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      is it worth the freindship to risk a loved ones life? i have lost a friendship, but shes still alive. i miss her, but it is worth it, dont belive me ask my neice and nephew.....very hard situation...

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      1. 0

         Sarra Garrettposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Most definately it's worth the risk of a friendship to save a life!  If you didn't you would have regretted it.

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2. 72

   tim-timposted 14 years ago

   I had a friend who was abused by her husband for many years. She was in denial. I offered my friendship, let her know that there is hope and resource out there. She does not have to deal with it alone. Most of the time, they would not do anything and contintue the abusive relationship which my friend did. Sad to say, if they don't want to be helped, there is not a lot anyone can do.

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3. 0

   Sarra Garrettposted 14 years ago

   Many women who are in an abusive relationship and stay in one were abused themselves when they were younger.  Speaking from experience, be her friend.  Show her that people don't have to get or be abused in order to have a relationship.  Sometimes it's fear that keeps them with the abuser.  The most important thing is to get her out of that relationship. Be her friend and be there for her.  If she comes to your house battered and bruised, call the cops and get that turd arrested.

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4. 63

   Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

   Some people may be "in denial" because they think their situation "isn't like the usual kind of abuse" and/or that it may get better and/or that they can handle it themselves.
   
   Others may not be "in denial" (as far as "in their own mind" goes).  Instead, they may deny abuse if others raise the issue.  If someone feels trapped in a situation with no way out, there's a good chance they will absolutely not want to risk having someone else "create problems".  They know if "problems" are "created" they're the one who will pay for it.  They may worry that someone who feels protective toward them may take it upon themselves to try to handle the situation their own way by calling some authority or even approaching the abuser.  They may have seen how the abuser has been able to "fool" people in the past.  Also, because they often see the abuser as "not really being an evil person, just stressed out" (or some version of that) they may not want him put in jail (while they think that if he isn't somewhere like jail he can always get to them - and abusers aren't kept in jail for very long anyway).

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