I apologize if this comes off as a poor, poor, me forum...but in all honesty I am sitting on my pity pot right now!
My step-dad was in a bad motorcycle accident almost two weeks ago. The doctors still don't know if they can save his leg. I have spent the last eleven days driving three hours a day to get my mom to and from the hospital, and being there for her to lean on.
I'm doing my best to hold it together, but got another wake up call (literally) at 4:30 this morning because my twenty one year old son lost control of his car, it rolled and was totaled. I have to thank God that he was lucky enough to survive the crash and walk away with some minor soft tissue damage.
He was not drinking, he wasn't even speeding. He simply couldn't sleep because he and his girlfriend have been having troubles lately.
All of these people mean the world to me, and would never even think of doing harm to another human being.
So this is the part that is really getting to me...why is it that all of the self-centered, selfish, and outright cruel people that I know walk around, seemingly unharmed all of the time, while the really good people (with good hearts) get hurt?
The thing is, most people are good. So the chance that good people will get hurt is really high. I know its hard. I lost my best friend (23) to cancer. Another one of my friends lost 2 children to freak accidents and then lost her uterus. The world is not fair. It is full of pain and injustice. Thats just how it is. But we can still have faith. Losing it just makes things that much worse. I will throw a prayer up for your stepdad and for your son if youre ok with that.
How would you know what "bad" and "good" things were if both didn't happen?
Same reason my brother in law(20) was killed by a drunk driver(19). life sucks.
I'm sorry to hear these things Wendi and misty. Unfortunately, there is absolutely no correlation between being good and being safe. It just happens to be the case that there is noone to look after us, but ourselves.
Maybe because the good ones can handle it. Then again, if something were to happen to one of those self-centered ones, would you react like "oh, you really deserved that?" I'm guessing not. You sound like the type of person that would have sympathy and empathy for anyone who was in your step-father's position.
Some days, though, I agree with mistywild: sometimes life just sucks.
me too, I have an uncle who will die of cancer at any moment, nicest man you'd ever hope to meet. Life's not fair. Oh and the drunk driver that killed my brother in law is alive and well, didn't even get scratched during the accident. I feel your pain.
I know you feel bad right now but in the future you will be a stronger person for it all if that's any comfort.
So sorry Wendi and misty. Seems like a bit of a crap shoot, doesn't it?
it is, life is generally a whole bunch of crap happening all the time. some is worse than others.
It does, and it's so frustrating.
I'm actually down by you because dad's in the University Hospital.
Really, really sorry to hear the things you're going through, Wendi, and what happened to your family, misty.
It's really true that stupid, evil people seem to prosper while many, many good people suffer so terribly. It isn't fair. I've gone through a lot of loss and heartache. I spent 50 years being angry and bitter about it. I made suicide plans and all kinds of things. The long and the short of it is that I finally started to realize that it was my choice to be a victim of any and all the things that happened to me. Especially what happened to people I loved. It wasn't about me at all, it was about them. I personalized it and suffered. I became a part of the tragedy instead of part of the reason to make life better. It's true you can't just "positive talk" yourself out of such horrible things. It doesn't work. But in time, healing occurs and we either adapt and move forward or we die. If we can adapt, then we have regain our curiosity about what's next in life. What's next for injured loved ones--can they find peace and fulfillment despite what happened? Can I be part of the help instead of part of the tragedy? And if I am a survivor, how would the deceased feel about me spending my life angry and bitter?
There isn't a way to undo this stuff. It can seem hopeless. But it is amazing what 24 hours can do. It can go from bleak to signs of hope.
I spent a lot of my life hating it. Being a victim of everything, and now I've determined that while I may be a victim temporarily, I *will* learn my lessons and try to move forward again postitively.
Through divorce, I've lost two homes, all my possessions, my children, and many family and friends. Through lies and accusations, I've lost much more. Now at over 50, I had a choice to either give up and die, or start yet again--a third time--to rebuild my life. It's not easy. But one of my children and I are close. I have people in my life that are not toxic for a change. I'm rebuilding financially against big odds. It's hard. I may never retire, but I stand with most Americans at this point.
I don't know if any of this makes sense or is a help at all, but I write these things because of my experiences. There are no easy answers. Acceptance is hell, but when it happens, it frees us to to look at things realistically and regain our life.
Sending kindest wishes to both of you.
Life is not fare...
Things don't need a reason to happen and random events certainly don't have a sense of justice that keeps them from happening.
We don't know why, but they do. People get mad at me though, because I am a firm believer in there is a bit of good in all things. It may be not just tough, but impossible to see the good or the sense of it now, because the pain or wound is too fresh, but someday down the line, you will be sitting and talking with someone, and will find yourself saying, "You know, if that had not happened, we wouldn't be doing this, or we wouldn't know you," or whatever it is.
It is very hard though, and you have my sympathy. I'll say a prayer for you all.
Everybody hurts, it's part of life. While it's cruel and unjust sometimes, it's also incredible and beautiful. You just don't see other peoples pain like you do your own, and when you're down already you just notice it more.
Looking at it positively, he (and you) could have lost a lot more than his leg (if he does). I'm aware, that's very insensitive, but it's nonetheless true.
I really hope it all turns out well for you all, and if my post seems in any way harsh or disingenuous I apologise. I just hoped to add a hint of context from the outsiders point of view.
Good luck and stay positive is all I really mean to say.
Sorry to hear that Wendi. Hope your step-dad will be okay. Your son was very lucky indeed.
On the topic, I'm not even going through that. That was what we asked when my father died unexpectedly at age 68 (he still had big plans) and he's one of the kindest man I'll ever knew (and I'm not saying that because I'm his daughter). It got to the point that whenever I meet another person who is not good I'll ask myself why didn't that person die (instead of my father). Cruel of me I know but I guess I was still shocked during that time.
I know it sounds horrible, but that is a little bit how I feel. I see these greedy, self-seeking kids having the world handed to them, then I find myself listening to my own child (who could've been killed) crying on the phone because he was afraid he had ruined my credit by totaling his car that I co-signed for. The kid has never even missed a car payment, but that's all that crossed his mind at the time.
Wendi, it sounds like you have a wonderful son and thank goodness he walked away from an accident. I'm not trying to be Pollyanna, but if you keep comparing what you have against other people who have more, you're going to be unhappy. Consider that you have more than other people and be grateful.
I'm not complaining about what other people have, I have everything I want (with the exception of having my dad home from the hospital.)
I'm frustrated with all of the takers (lacking any kind of remorse) in this world who walk through life effortlessly.
Praise be to GOD who causes harm to anyone HE wants, and protects anyone HE wants. Listen! thy LORD tests you and waits you to be patient and ask HIS help. People might not understand but GOD is the only protector.
Wendi M, Megs78 said what I was going to say: Most people are good, so the chances of something happening to good people are high. I think we can't see bad things as punishment. Accidents happen (I was in an accident in which a young woman who wasn't hurt killed my girlfriend). I have no idea if it was a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or if some higher power had some reason to end her young life but spare mine. Illness happens. Sometimes it happens because of people's lifestyles. Sometimes it happens to people "who haven't done a thing to bring it on". My sister-in-law lost her 20-month child to an infection that doesn't even make other people all that sick. Both my mother and my father-in-law went through losing both feet after having congestive heart failure; so not only did these good and kind people go through such a thing, but my children had to deal with knowing it happened to two of their three living grandparents. This kind of stuff goes on because as long as we're alive there's always the risk of accident or illness, with some stuff being worse than other stuff.
I live my life going by the one, simple, idea that as long as the people remain in good general health nothing else matters much. Everything else we can always deal with. I don't want this come off as a "lecture", because it's only intended to share perspective I've learned the hard way; but to me, the fact that your son is not seriously injured means he was spared the awfulness that comes from so many accidents. I'd take it a step further and see this rotten incident he had as possibly a lesson to him in realizing the importance of not driving when exhausted or upset. He may learn things from this experience that aren't obvious now.
I've done two "stints" in having two limbs in casts, with one involving a little time in a wheelchair. A head injury left me with double vision for a while, and later inability to concentrate to read for months. I had a face full of glass cuts that made me wonder if "my own" face would ever "come back" (it did). Still, I felt incredibly blessed because I was alive, was left with only a slight knee "issue", and had the biggest scar under my hair and turn at my hair line.
With grown kids now, when someone hit my son's car a few times on the highway but he was fine, I saw it as a "blessing" Last year when a young woman bumped into the late model car he'd gotten to replace the one damaged on the highway, and he wasn't hurt, I again saw that as a tremendous "blessing". Even though the new car was covered by insurance, financially both accidents caused issues for my recently graduated son. Still, I saw him as "fortunate" because of that thing I have about "just being happy someone is ok". Unfortunately, I learned all this "perspective" at 20 years old, when my girlfriend was killed, my other close friend's brother died of leukemia at 17, and my father died at 62. The bad thing is that I lost my youthful sense of invincibility too young. The good thing is I've gotten to live my entire adult life a little wiser.
As for "bad" people or people who just don't seem to care about others very much, I think a lot of them got their "bad" stuff when they were children and had a less-than-excellent childhood experience. If not childhood, then later. When people don't give a hoot about others, or when they do "bad" stuff, it's usually because something has happened to them that made them that way. It's not fair that babies are born to parents who don't know how to love them the way parents should love their children. It's not fair that innocent kids are often mistreated (in varying degrees) to the point where they don't grow up to be "good people". The way I see it, accidents and illness are often things that just happen as a part of life (mine didn't have to happen because it was a drunk driver, but some accidents do just happen). When people are damaged enough to turn them "bad" it's usually not something that "just happens". That's something that didn't have to happen. Somehow, that just seems more unjust and unfair to me.
Wendi, your son's accident is so recent you're going to go through a little time of any emotions associated with having that kind of thing happen. I think that's where you are now, and don't presume any of my "input" here will do anything to make you feel any better right now. I thought, though, maybe some little thing or two I've posted may be useful to someone interested in the title of the thread but more removed (by time) from some bad thing that happened to a good person.
I did not take this as a lecture, I took it for what it was...which is reality. I've had 24 hours to put things in better perspective and am feeling a little better about things.
As I stated at the beginning of the forum, I was basically on my little pity pot and just needed to get some feedback from people on the outside.
As it turns out, you have ALL been more than helpful.
Because even good people are capable of making a mistake, experiencing a lapse in judgement or acting irrationally
CJ Wright, how succinct (something someone as wordy as I am admires in others); and how true in a lot of ways. Still, that doesn't address issues like being the one who has done nothing to bring on some awful thing (like being the unfortunate person in the wrong place at the wrong time when a drunk driver is on the loose or when a tree falls across the road, etc.) There are times when someone's own, day-to-day, actions have nothing to do with bad things happening.
We tend to see things in black and white. Its either this or that. Would if the drunk driver had a bad day, found out he/she was dieing of cancer, just got layed off. The assumption is that the DD is inherently a "bad" person. Too often today "bad" is simply an abstraction. Would if the property owner or the utility company simply ignored the dangerous tree? Since no human actively made it fall, does that mean there is no fault?
My point is that if we look long enough we can find answers, blame and even alibies. Finding it, convincing yourself of it, doesn't make you right no more than it makes someone else wrong. Further the laying of blame is for those left behind. It gives closure and a sense of justice. It does not however provide solice nor does it undo transgressions.
But, the original post here was about good people being victims of bad things; while it can seem as if rotten people go along and never have much bad seem to happen to them.
Even having said that, though, with regard to whether someone like a drunk driver or negligent utilities company/individual; no, I wouldn't call them "evil", but I, personally, don't see any excuse for ever knowingly risking other people's safety. If someone feels the need to get drunk he ought to bring it home and drink there. If a utilities guy doesn't report a bad tree/pole, or if the company allows it to be ignored, then I think people like that are guilty of "evil negligence" and don't deserve any passes.
Hope things are looking up for you Wendi.
I could write a book on life experiences, the basic theme would be strength. We draw strength from life experiences, we may not see it immediately, but it happens. I don't like to tell people about my life, as they immediately are either uncomfortable or go into the "I'm sorry mode", but in truth, the strength I gained from tragedies, is a strength I would never have known I had.
Yep, its easy for me, if I'm not very careful, to fall victim to the bad things that have happened to me and what lies around me now, so I dig for that strength.
I know a few people who could be labeled as rotten, not much tragedy in their lives, but their lives are not very full either & they stagnate in their "rotteness" (a new word I made up LOL).
I will keep your family in my thoughts & prayers (if prayer is okay with you).
I once cried because I had no shoes but then I saw a man who had no feet..... I love this little phrase it puts it all into perspective when I'm having a pity party, which is not often. I understand keep saying that serenity prayer... it helps
Dad's in a Skilled Nursing In-house Facility (closer to his home) for the next 2-3 months, then he's off to surgery again.
Just hoping his spirits stay up throughout the remainder of this nightmare.
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