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Really Need Some Constructive Criticism Please!

  1. DogSiDaed profile image60
    DogSiDaedposted 7 years ago

    Just written a (very) short story. I'm looking to try and develop a writing style that will enable me to make longer ones in future, perhaps leading to a full length book. Any criticism of the piece and what I should do to improve it is much appreciated. Thanks guys! smile

    http://hubpages.com/hub/What-is-Real-A- … first-edit

  2. DogSiDaed profile image60
    DogSiDaedposted 7 years ago

    Anybody out there? wink

    1. kirstenblog profile image75
      kirstenblogposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      I am smile
      I just don't know the first thing about writing a book and so would not be the best person to offer advice. I am sure there are some folks out there that can help but may hap they are asleep or something. Why are they not here!!! Surely they are just as addicted to hub pages as we are tongue

  3. frogdropping profile image85
    frogdroppingposted 7 years ago

    I'm out there. I'm always somewhere I shouldn't be. I shall read your hub DogSiDaed. And are you over your morning grumps yet? wink

    1. DogSiDaed profile image60
      DogSiDaedposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Ohh yes, I'm quite happy, after discovering two Rage Against the Machine side projects. Mosh away the winter blues wink

  4. frogdropping profile image85
    frogdroppingposted 7 years ago

    Good good smile I note you now have a fledgling funship with Nell Gwynn. I hope it's a mutal attraction wink

    I read your tale, liked what I read and left my thoughts on the page. Good stuff and well done you.

    And stop that moshing business. For sure you'll contract a headache. Or at least ... weird stares tongue

    1. DogSiDaed profile image60
      DogSiDaedposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      It's normally the neck that goes first XD I woke up after a gig the other week and I could barely move my head XD

      1. frogdropping profile image85
        frogdroppingposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Necks are important. They keep one's head right where it needs to be. North of the shoulders. I'd be careful if I were you ... broken necks usually cause pain, droopy heads and on occassion, a visit from the Grim Reaper smile

  5. moanalisa profile image60
    moanalisaposted 7 years ago

    I've read your story and it is engaging. I wouldn't be the right person qualified to critique your story, but I can tell you what I'd like to see as a reader.

    There are some strong emotions depicted here, but I'd like to see more done to develop the visualization of these. Another suggestion is to avoid using clich├ęs such as "the world is his oyster".

    Good start, and I'm looking forward to reading more!

    1. DogSiDaed profile image60
      DogSiDaedposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you, duly noted smile I will try and change that annoying little cliche tongue And I'll do a second edit soon with more descriptive detail. Cheers! smile

      1. moanalisa profile image60
        moanalisaposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Glad to help! Let us know when you have the second edit ready. big_smile

        1. DogSiDaed profile image60
          DogSiDaedposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          Shall do! I've also had a suggestion with perhaps continuing a story after that? This hadn't crossed my mind, but if people think that's a good idea I may try... What do you think? Stick or Twist? tongue

  6. Pearldiver profile image86
    Pearldiverposted 7 years ago

    Left you a comment on this hub... a good writing style to follow.. Good effort DSD. smile

    1. DogSiDaed profile image60
      DogSiDaedposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Thanks Pearldiver, read and taken in! big_smile

  7. Haunty profile image84
    Hauntyposted 7 years ago

    Thanks for showing us your Christmas avatar, DSD. lol

    1. DogSiDaed profile image60
      DogSiDaedposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      No problems tongue I had to do it, I saw it on an album cover and just went 'That's awesome!'

      I can make it more christmassy for you if you like? tongue

      1. Haunty profile image84
        Hauntyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Remember the last time you offered to explain your poetry to me and I challenged you to do it? So don't mess with me cuz I'll take you by the word. lol But no. This is more than enough to make me feel like old times.

        1. DogSiDaed profile image60
          DogSiDaedposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          Well take me by my word all you like my friend, cos there it is! tongue

          1. profile image0
            Justine76posted 7 years ago in reply to this

            lol
            merry xmas guys!!

            1. Haunty profile image84
              Hauntyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

              Merry Xmas to you, Justine! smile

  8. frogdropping profile image85
    frogdroppingposted 7 years ago

    Your Christmas avatar is not what I'd expect from you DogSiDaed. I thought you'd be more along the lines of kittens playing in the snow wink

    Still, at least you've attempted to 'tinsel' up.

    *still thinks the big guns are way obvious though* tongue

    1. profile image0
      Justine76posted 7 years ago in reply to this

      you could use a santa hat.  wink it must be cold today for a frog...

      1. frogdropping profile image85
        frogdroppingposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        I could? I don't know. Let me see smile

        1. Haunty profile image84
          Hauntyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          lololol

  9. frogdropping profile image85
    frogdroppingposted 7 years ago

    There you go. I'm now with hat. Whoopee tongue

    1. Daniel Carter profile image90
      Daniel Carterposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      You are always festive, froggy. Loving it.

  10. Daniel Carter profile image90
    Daniel Carterposted 7 years ago

    I constructed a criticism for your story. I like the pensiveness of it, and that you left so many unanswered questions. And because you did that, you'll have everyone angry that you didn't really finish it, mate.
    smile

    Bizzare new avatar. Reminds me of my own rocker, young adult kids. Fun.

    Finish the story. (Purdy pleeeze.)

    Oh, yeah, Happy Christmas.

  11. DogSiDaed profile image60
    DogSiDaedposted 7 years ago

    Ok, I've done an unproofed second edit, which will be proofed by tonight. Then in the New Year I should have more to follow smile

 
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