Here's another dumb one my dad told me when I was a kid. You almost have to hear it to get it.
There is a funeral home at the top of a big hill that leads into town. They are putting an old man's coffin in the back of the funeral car, when the coffin slips their grasp and begins rolling down the hill. The men chase it down the hill.
The coffin pics up speed, and begins to head into town. The men obviously need help, so they run into a near by pharmacy, and they see a guy in a white coat behind the counter.
he says can I help you?
They tell him. Yeah! We need help stopping a coffin!
i have one. a student asks to spend the night at his teachers house, and she says only if he gets good grades in school. he does, so she allows him to sleep over at her house. he then asks if he could sleep in the same bed with her, since he claims his mom always lets him sleep in bed with her.
seeing no harm, she agrees again. then the boy asks if he could put his finger in her belly button while they sleep, since he says his mom lets him do it all the time, and it would make him feel more at home. Again, the teacher agrees.
however, she woke up and replied, "hey that's not my belly button!" as she looked at the boy shocked. then the boy replied, "i know, and that's not my finger." i'll let you all guess what was implied or what happened in that joke.
me and my friends used to laugh about that back in grades school.
Little Willy had a stern old aunt who was hell-bent on teaching him right from wrong.
"When I was young," she lectured, "my Mother told me that if I pulled a funny or nasty face and the wind suddenly changed, that my face would stay like that." "Well," commented the bored Willy, "It's a pity that you took no notice of her Aunty."
That is the first one.
No.2 A woman was disgusted with her husband regularly coming home from the pub a little worse for wear,so she decided a good fright might cure his bad habits. Dressing in a ghostly sheet, she accosted him as he staggered home in the semi-darkness. "I am the devil." She shrieked, "Come to bring a living hell into your alcoholic existence." "What a coincidech", mumbled the man, "I think I may be married to your sishter."
A farmer has a goat. His goat gets crossed eyes and it effects his milk. So the farmer calls the vet out to have a look at his goat. The vet looks at the goat and says "I can cure your goats crossed eyes". The vet takes a straw and sticks it up the goats anus and blows. The goats eyes pop back straight. After a time the goats eyes go crossed again and the farmer calls out the vet again. The vet looks at the goat and gets his straw out, sticks it up the goats anus and blows. The farmer says "hey let me have a try!" The farmer takes the straw out of the goats anus and turns it around and puts the other end back in the goat and blows. The vet asks "Why did you take the straw out and turn it around?" The farmer replies "I didn't want to catch your germs!"
I dream of the day when the chicken crosses the road with out havin to justify it's actions....LOLOLOL
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did the elephant cross the road? Cos it was the chickens day off. Why did the Koala cross the road? Chickens day off and the elephant was sick.
An elderly couple goes to the doctor for their yearly checkups. Each goes into the examining room separately, first the wife than the Husband. Each of them checks out quite well and the Doctor asks each if they are having any issues.
The old woman says that she feels just wonderful and has no problems.
The old man tells the doctor “I feel pretty good, but I have one problem that’s bothering me. The first time I have sex with my wife I break out in chills, the second time I sweat like crazy.”
The doctor says “well let me think about it, please send your wife back in.”
The wife comes back in and the doctor asks her about her husbands issue.
The old lady just starts chuckling, “ What the old bastard didn’t tell you was the first time was in January, the second time was in August!”
a guy walks into a bar and orders 5 rounds of tequila and drink them down rather quickly.. the bartender looks at him and says boy you sure love to drink... The man replies well you would to if all you had was 42 cents!
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