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Funnist thing you have heard!

  1. jill-of-all trade profile image61
    jill-of-all tradeposted 6 years ago

    I have a friend who is a utter NUT.......she posted this on her FB status the other day...

    "As a matter of fact, I do p&*s glitter and S%$t rainbows!!!!"


    Let me hear some good one  smile

    1. Cagsil profile image59
      Cagsilposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      God is real. lol lol lol lol lol

  2. theirishobserver. profile image61
    theirishobserver.posted 6 years ago

    I was in a public toilet one night and a man came in and stood there with his two arms down by his side, I could see he had no hands, he asked me if I would open his zipper, I was reluctant but I did, he just stood there, then he asked if I would take out his manhood, I was reluctant, when I took it out it was horrible, covered in all sorts of scabs and such like, I said to him, what is wrong with it, he said I dont know but Im not touching it, his hands had now appeared from under the long sleeves of his jacket.........

    1. jill-of-all trade profile image61
      jill-of-all tradeposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      LMAO.....ewwwwwwwwww  wink

  3. abcd1111 profile image60
    abcd1111posted 6 years ago

    Best graffiti in bathroom stall:

    Here I sit, my buns a-flexin' --

    'bout to give birth to another Texan!

    1. jill-of-all trade profile image61
      jill-of-all tradeposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      LOLOL

  4. theirishobserver. profile image61
    theirishobserver.posted 6 years ago

    What did the Bra say to the hat, you go on a head and we will give these two a lift smile

  5. drbj profile image84
    drbjposted 6 years ago

    One of the funniest jokes I ever heard was one line by the comic, Henny Youngman: "I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!"

  6. tobey100 profile image60
    tobey100posted 6 years ago

    My younger brother wants to get his anus sewed into the shape of a star so when he takes a dump it'll come out like piping on a wedding cake.

    1. jill-of-all trade profile image61
      jill-of-all tradeposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      1. tobey100 profile image60
        tobey100posted 6 years ago in reply to this

        lol lol I don't think he ever did it but........who knows?

    2. abcd1111 profile image60
      abcd1111posted 6 years ago in reply to this

      THAT is brill!  Puts a whole knew meaning to "puckered star."

      1. tobey100 profile image60
        tobey100posted 6 years ago in reply to this

        lol lol lol

  7. theirishobserver. profile image61
    theirishobserver.posted 6 years ago

    Short version: Man and woman get married, man not making love at all, woman decides to spice it all up, candles, silk sheets, husband gets into bed, he puts his hand down real low, the wife says you going to make love to me Honey, he says, No, Im just wetting my finger to turn over the page of my novel...smile

    1. jill-of-all trade profile image61
      jill-of-all tradeposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  what a waste wink  LOL

      1. tobey100 profile image60
        tobey100posted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Not if the novel was one of those 400 page jobs!!  tongue

        1. jill-of-all trade profile image61
          jill-of-all tradeposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          ohhhhhh good point......read the "articles" not look at the pictures........tongue

    2. tobey100 profile image60
      tobey100posted 6 years ago in reply to this

      lol    Jack goes hunting every year with 3 buddies.  One year wife tells him he can't go.  When his 3 friends arrive at the camp site Jack is already there.  We thought you couldn't come this year?  Well, Jack says, let me tell you what happened. To make it up to me my wife waits for me last night in the bedroom, totally naked.  She asks me to tie her to the bed.  Then she says to go ahead and do anything I want so......here I am!

      1. jill-of-all trade profile image61
        jill-of-all tradeposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        ohhhhhh what a romantic..................LOL until the pool boy pops out of the closet wink

  8. mega1 profile image80
    mega1posted 6 years ago

    Mexican is walking down a dirt road in Texas - finds a big nice 10 gallon cowboy hat, picks it up and puts it on.  Along comes a couple Texans in a pickup truck - "Hey, Pancho, yew want a rahd?" "Gracias, hombre!" 

    Riding along, one Texan says "Hey, Pancho, how many sheep you f**ked?"   "Oh, no, senor, I no f**k sheep!"   "Well, then, how many goats you f**ked?"  "Oh, no, senor, I no f**k goats!"  "Well, then, how many pigs y'all f**ked?"   

    "Oh, no, senor, I no f**k the pigs!  Senor, I am not a TEXAN!  I just found this hat!"

  9. Beth100 profile image83
    Beth100posted 6 years ago

    Procrastination is like Masturbation: it's only fun until you realise your just screwing yourself!

  10. mega1 profile image80
    mega1posted 6 years ago

    Men are like blenders, you need one, you just don't know why!

    Men are like Coffee.
    The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

    Men are like Commercials.  You can't believe a word they say.

    Men are like Copiers.
    You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

    Men are like Government Bonds.
    They take way too long to mature.

    Men are like Horoscopes.
    They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

    Men are like Lava Lamps.
    Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

    Men are like Mascara.
    They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    Men are like Parking Spots.
    The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

  11. mega1 profile image80
    mega1posted 6 years ago

    Top Ten Signs No One Wants To Be Your Valentine


    10. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you

    9. FOX is starting a new show about you: 'America's Least Wanted'

    8. You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets

    7. The babes just don't seem to go for your home-made Star Trek uniform

    6. You're taking private tutorials with Jocelyn Elders

    5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards--and you're a woman!

    4. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower administration

    3. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards

    2. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy

    1. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's 'Newt'

    (from Dizzyboy.com)

 
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