needing a laugh

1. 0

   Lecieposted 14 years ago

   hey everyone, i'm needing a big laugh right now. anyone have any really good jokes to share? i'll start with one:
   a drunk comes out of a bar, a fire truck rushes past him with it's sirens going. he chases it for blocks before falling to the ground. he yells, fine keep the damn ice cream.
   
   if you can't do better than that, i'm afraid it may not get a laugh. (not from me anyway)
   
   just post what you can, i'm really down tonight and hope that someone can give me a good laugh to cheer me up.   have fun posting.

   replyreport
   1. 66

      Faybe Bayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Here's a good laugh.
      
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGZf9XeR7O0

      replyreport
   2. 62

      errum fattahposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

      replyreport
2. 0

   mtsi1098posted 14 years ago

   little Johnny's math teacher asked him if he knew what the numbers 5 + 10 + 200 + 300 were...Johnny thought for a minute and said Fox tv, CBS tv, HBO and Showtime

   replyreport
   1. 60

      saltposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I didnt want to, but I had to laugh at that one.

      replyreport
3. 0

   Lecieposted 14 years ago

   that was okay. keep them coming.

   replyreport
4. 57

   wrenfrost56posted 14 years ago

   William shakespeare walks into a pub and the landlord says. "Oi, your bard!"

   replyreport
   1. 0

      mtsi1098posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      hi wrenfrost...

      replyreport
      1. 57

         wrenfrost56posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Hello, how are you? Loved your joke, V funny.

         replyreport
5. 77

   Shadesbreathposted 14 years ago

   A bear and a rabbit are crapping side by side in the forest.  The bear looked over at the rabbit and said, "Hey rabbit, do you ever have trouble with sh!t sticking to your fur?"
   
   The rabbit said, "No." So the bear wiped its ass with the rabbit.
   
   
   (Sorry.  I just love that joke though.)

   replyreport
   1. 66

      blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      LMAO that was a good one

      replyreport
      1. 60

         saltposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         i dont like that one.... call the rspca !!!!

         replyreport
   2. 60

      Supatrupaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      

      replyreport
6. 0

   Lecieposted 14 years ago

   yeah that was a good one. gave me a little chuckle. i still have not found the great laugh i need though. can anyone help me find my laugh tonight?
   here's another from me:
   a drunk calls "aa"
   he says: is this aa?
   woman says: yes is it would you like to join?
   he says: no i need to resign.
   
   keep the jokes coming

   replyreport
   1. 79

      mega1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      try the Hot Guys thread - if you haven't already, today!

      replyreport
7. 0

   Lecieposted 14 years ago

   thanks

   replyreport
8. 0

   Stevennix2001posted 14 years ago

   i have a few jokes, but they're all dirty ones though.  lol.

   replyreport
   1. 0

      Lecieposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      you mean like this one:
      larry and carl work together and one day they discuss the new secratary:
      larry: i know i shouldn't say this but she's better in bed than my wife.
      two weeks later,
      carl: you're right she was better in bed than your wife.
      
      

      replyreport
9. 60

   logic,commonsenseposted 14 years ago

   My favorite-A horse walks into a bar-the bartender asks him,"Why the long face?"

   replyreport
10. 62

    Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

    People have different senses of humor, so you may not find these funny; but what about going to YouTube and looking up:
    
    Hamish and Andy, Ghosting
    
    or
    
    Jay Leno's Photo Booth
    
    Maybe you already saw this (most everyone did, I think, but Jimmy Kimmel's Handsome Men's Club made me laugh:
    
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyGJXLxtVEo
    
    
    And, "How to Make a Guy Like You, Disney Princess Style"
    
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMB1SECUSq8

    replyreport
11. 66

    Faybe Bayposted 14 years ago

    For real laughs
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iW2POaHWEKc
    
    And some more soldiers trying to make light of free time in Baghdad.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8rm56hTDDs

    replyreport
12. 61

    Dao Hoaposted 14 years ago

    Sorry, I don't have a good laugh for you, but I got many smiles from all of the posts in this thread. Thank you to all.

    replyreport
13. 69

    cupid51posted 14 years ago

    A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks
    over at him and asks the question....
    
    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
    
    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
    
    WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
    
    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
    
    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
    
    HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again. "
    
    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
    
    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
    
    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
    
    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
    
    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
    
    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
    
    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
    
    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
    
    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
    
    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
    
    WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
    
    HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
    
    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
    
    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "
    
    WIFE: -- silence --
    
    HUSBAND: "shit.."

    replyreport
14. 0

    Lecieposted 14 years ago

    that was a great one thanks for sharing everyone. i leave you with another one of mine:
    a man went to a dentist to have a tooth extracted.
    dentist: don't worry this shouldn't hurt much. what do you do for a living?
    man:i'm a tax inspector.
    dentist: this may hurt more than i thought.
    

    replyreport
    1. 69

       cupid51posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Very nice and intelligent!

       replyreport
15. 60

    saltposted 14 years ago

    my best jokes are just a seal impersonation or one of a koala....
    visual comedy,
    
    have to see it to think its funny...

    replyreport
16. 0

    Lecieposted 14 years ago

    lol...thanks for sharing.

    replyreport
17. 0

    lynnechandlerposted 14 years ago

    Older couple retires to Texas. The old man has always wanted an authentic pair of cowboy boots so one day he goes off and buys a pair. He is so impressed with his purchase he wears the boots home. When he gets home he goes to find his wife and asks her if she sees anything different.
    
    She replies that she doesn't.
    
    Frustrated, he goes upstairs takes off all his clothes but the boots and comes back to the kitchen where she is washing dishes. He asks her again if she notices anything different.
    
    She looks him over and says no, its still hanging down, it has been hanging down and it will continue to hang down.
    
    He looks down and says well do you know why it is hanging down it is admiring my new boots.
    
    Without missing a beat she says Honey you should have bought a hat.

    replyreport
18. 0

    Lecieposted 14 years ago

    lmao...that one really made me laugh. thanks so much for the post.

    replyreport
19. 0

    lynnechandlerposted 14 years ago

    Glad I could help,

    replyreport
20. 69

    Beth100posted 14 years ago

    Okay, Lecie, this one's a bit long, but here goes:
    
    “Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife” read the advertisement. 
    
    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary shared this with, well, the world now.  His anonymity is of great importance to him, as you will see why.  The following is not a direct quote, but the gist is still there.  Just keep one request in mind:  read this without laughing.   
    
    The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.  Being the loving husband that I am, I went shopping last weekend and saw something at NoName's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt, purse-sized taser.
    
    The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
    
    WAY TOO COOL! 
    
    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.  I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing!  I was disappointed.  I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. 
    
    AWESOME!!!
    
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.   
    
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on flesh and blood and a moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
    
    Am I wrong? 
    
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.  The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. 
    
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than ¾" in circumference.  Pretty cute really and being loaded with only two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries, I’m thinking to myself, 'No possible way'! 
    
    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
    
    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'Don't do it dip-shit', reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol’ thing couldn't hurt all that bad.  I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it.
    
    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
    
    HOLY MOTHER OF *#@!  WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE *#@**@#*!!!
    
    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.  The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution -- there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three second burst would be considered conservative!  IT HURT LIKE *@@*!!!
    
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds.  I had no control over the drooling. 
    
    Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.  I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.  I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
    
    PS:  My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    
    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
    
    

    replyreport
    1. 0

       Lecieposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       oh man, i can't stop laughing. this was one of the greatest jokes i have ever heard. bravo.    lmao

       replyreport
21. 63

    Mutiny92posted 14 years ago

    you can never go wrong with achmed, the dead terrorist:
    
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

    replyreport
22. 0

    lynnechandlerposted 14 years ago

    Oh I love Achmed and Beth that was great, lol.

    replyreport
    1. 69

       Beth100posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks Lynn. 

       replyreport
23. 0

    Crazdwriterposted 14 years ago

    Okay here is my joke for you Lecie...I woke up sorry I know lame hehehe

    replyreport
24. 80

    LeanManposted 14 years ago

    Man visits the Dentist;
    
    He's laid back in the dentists chair, mouth wide open.... and the dentist says to him..
    
    "have you been having oral sex today?"
    
    The patient replies.."why do I have a pubic hair in my teeth?"
    
    "No" replies the dentist, "you have $h1t on the end of your nose."

    replyreport
25. 0

    Crazdwriterposted 14 years ago

    this got me laughing
    
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk9k_wbq … ture=email

    replyreport
26. 0

    Lecieposted 14 years ago

    thanks craz. i'll go look at it now.

    replyreport
27. 69

    cupid51posted 14 years ago

    You will laugh your heads out after you finish reading this!!! (Nice One
    From Reader Digest)
    
    One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent
    that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.
    
    Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
    work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him
    that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a
    small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With
    miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time
    I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had
    consumed three large orders of baked beans.
    
    All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival,
    my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I
    have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to
    my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to
    remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch
    the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked
    beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming
    most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the
    opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only
    loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front
    of a pulpwood mill.
    
    I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then,
    shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse
    than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation
    in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
    
    The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
    signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times
    with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling
    very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture
    of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
    
    He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had
    not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
    seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"!! I nearly died!!!

    replyreport
    1. 69

       Beth100posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       
       
             roflolpimp   
       
       
       This is hilarious!

       replyreport
28. 80

    LeanManposted 14 years ago

    Man goes around to see some family friends and spends the evening sat beside the fire in pleasant company, the families dog rolled up at his feet.....
    
    As the night goes on, internal pressure begins to build, unable to control the pressure any longer the man lets out a small burst silently, to his horror the smell is most foul...
    
    The hostess smelling the foul odour looks down at the dog and shouts "butch!" (the name of the dog!)
    
    The man smiled to himself, secure in the knowledge that he has escaped blame for the stink, and releases another satisfying burst, once again the hostess looks at the dog and screams.."BUTCH!!!"
    
    The man releases the final batch of foul odour, and the hostess screams...."BUTCH, come away from there before he $h1ts on you!"

    replyreport
    1. 0

       Crazdwriterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       OMG LeanMan that got me laughing!

       replyreport
       1. 80

          LeanManposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          I have more..... but I want to stay on Hubpages more than the two weeks that I have been here...

          replyreport
    2. 79

       mega1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       we had a dog named Butch!

       replyreport
29. 69

    cupid51posted 14 years ago

    This one is a little nasty! Those who don't like may skip it!
    
    Here I sit, broken hearted
    Came to shit and only farted.
    Wasted a dime, but what the hell,
    At least I can sit, and enjoy the smell.
    
    Here I sit lonely hearted,
    Tried to shit, but only farted.
    Back at my desk I take a chance,
    Tried to fart, but shit my pants.

    replyreport
    1. 0

       Crazdwriterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       HAHAHA I've heard this one bfore...

       replyreport
30. 69

    cupid51posted 14 years ago

    Father was watching a movie on the TV. His five years old son was sitting there and also watching the movie. Suddenly an adult scene appeared. Father thought that his son might not understand it. But feeling uncomfortable he left the room. After a while the son shouted ‘Hey dad! That scene is over, please come!’

    replyreport
31. 79

    mega1posted 14 years ago

    One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"

    replyreport
    1. 73

       lorlie6posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       LMAO!

       replyreport
    2. 44

       jacobkuttytaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       nice one

       replyreport
32. 79

    mega1posted 14 years ago

    HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:
    Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.
    
    HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:
    Show up naked with food.

    replyreport
    1. 73

       lorlie6posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       ROFLMAO!

       replyreport
    2. 80

       LeanManposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       show up naked with food, and bring a friend!!!
       
       You forgot ... "bring a friend"...

       replyreport
33. 66

    blondepoetposted 14 years ago

    

    replyreport
    1. 60

       logic,commonsenseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       You are the master of kitty pics!

       replyreport
       1. 66

          blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Oh hey there Logic, I mean meow!!!!

          replyreport
          1. 60

             logic,commonsenseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Actually, I'd love it if you would do a hub with all your pics of all the wild pussies you have posted, especially lately!

             replyreport
             1. 66

                blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                Haha oh Logic....shhhhhh.....not too many people here know about that new website we err.....constructed.

                replyreport
             2. 79

                mega1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

                you said wild pussies!

                replyreport
    2. 73

       lorlie6posted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I OWN that cat, I swear!!!

       replyreport
       1. 60

          logic,commonsenseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Is he for hire?

          replyreport
          1. 66

             blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             For a price ROFL!!!

             replyreport
             1. 60

                logic,commonsenseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                And what would be that price my sweet?

                replyreport
                1. 66

                   blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                   Money..........no.
                   Flowers.....atchoo....no
                   Chocolates......err......not today.
                   Prawns...yea baby yea!!!!

                   replyreport
          2. 73

             lorlie6posted 14 years agoin reply to this

             How much will ya pay, huh?

             replyreport
       2. 66

          blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Isn't he lovely I taught him to play on his second birthday.

          replyreport
          1. 73

             lorlie6posted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Adorable, Blondepoet!  How are you, btw?

             replyreport
             1. 66

                blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                I am doing just great Lorlie. Am making a cup of coffee, you should come over for afternoon tea. You may need to bring scones I burned the last batch LMAO.

                replyreport
34. 68

    goldenpathposted 14 years ago

    3 guys walk into a bar...
    ...you'd think 1 of 'em would've seen it

    replyreport
35. 85

    donotfearposted 14 years ago

    The forbidden. The un-named one..
    
    

    replyreport
    1. 66

       blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Wow donotfear you have the right pic for every occassion LMAO.
       If you were not a married woman I would employ you as my personal secretary, save me heaps of time looking for the right pics.

       replyreport
       1. 85

          donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          
          So what's me being a married woman got to do with it? I have a career.....

          replyreport
          1. 66

             blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Oh hell yea forgot about that!!!!!
             I shall post the credentials I am seeking by air mail and the address you can forward your resume. Just a signature will do in your case donotfear.
             I am taking you to my agent and signing you up for a movie career.
             I only ask 35% LMAO.
             Bring the horse too, I will get Bill Ding, the ex Sumo wrestler next door to build a shed, I have a few bits of steel laying around in the back-yard, where I drove the Volvo through on a wild Friday night.

             replyreport
             1. 85

                donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                Ten four....

                replyreport
                1. 66

                   blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                   No 4.30pm

                   replyreport
36. 0

    Lecieposted 14 years ago

    thanks everyone as usual you have made me laugh when i need to.
    hope everyone had a great weekend.

    replyreport
37. 0

    Lecieposted 14 years ago

    i just saw a really funny clip on yahoo. ben stein was rapping. lmao

    replyreport
38. 0

    Stevennix2001posted 14 years ago

    anyone want a good laugh.  check out king larry's newest hub
    
    http://hubpages.com/hub/Stevennix2001-I … King-Larry

    replyreport
39. 0

    Lecieposted 14 years ago

    thanks steve, i will check it out right away.

    replyreport