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a new hub done alittle differently than my others

  1. profile image0
    kellieshellposted 7 years ago

    http://hubpages.com/hub/A-story-about-me
    please give me your opinion

    1. thooghun profile image85
      thooghunposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      The text is broken up well, although I'd break them up into several modules and intersperse some pictures to make it a little more visually engaging.

      But then again, that's just me smile

      1. profile image0
        kellieshellposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        ok i posted several pics maybe too many. modules?

    2. profile image0
      Website Examinerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      I find this hub and some of your other hubs vulgar and frightening.

      1. profile image0
        kellieshellposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        i am sorry if you find my hubs vulgar and frightening but its the ugly truth. I think I can make a difference by speaking the truth and showing people that there really are monsters in the world that are more vulgar and frightening than my hubs.

        1. profile image0
          Website Examinerposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          Don't feel bad, I just won't read them, and I do respect your freedom of expression.

          1. profile image0
            kellieshellposted 7 years ago in reply to this

            thanks and i appreciate your opinion

    3. Marisa Wright profile image94
      Marisa Wrightposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Kellie, SteveoMc has given you a good critique of your Hub.

      Even very good writers don't put exactly the right words down on paper immediately.  They write down their thoughts, then they go back over it again and again, changing it until they're sure it's easy to read and that it makes sense.

      It's always a good idea to write your Hub in Word first, then play around until you're happy with it before pasting it into a Hub.  That way you can run a spell check and grammar check through it, too. 

      If you want to reach people, you'll reach them all the more if your Hubs are well written, so it's worth listening to people like Steve and being willing to review and improve.

  2. wilderness profile image94
    wildernessposted 7 years ago

    A well written and very touching hub.

    I didn't like the pictures very much.  Some were of poor quality and out of focus, which I think detracts considerably.  You may indeed have too many as well - I understand that it would be difficult to find appropriate photos, but pics that have nothing to do with the text I also think detracts.

    You might proofread again - I spotted a couple of typos.

  3. SteveoMc profile image77
    SteveoMcposted 7 years ago

    I read the whole thing.

    My personal reaction is not positive.

    I wonder who your audience is supposed to be.  I can see that you went through a difficult time.   I have lost several close family members including both parents and two siblings.   I curiously could not feel empathy for your situation.   

    Examining why I had that lack of empathy, I found that I felt a little contempt for the writer.  This I think is not the intent of the writing.   So far as the writing goes, it misses the mark of the intended goal. 

    I think that this demonstrates a less mature approach to writing.  Although the whole scenario could be told as if you are telling a trusted listener, so that they might understand the flaw of your thinking.    It comes across as a cold somewhat detached retelling of a bleak or maybe worse relationship.   There is no closure for the reader.

    The capsule titled 'Bad habits are hard to break' begins out changing tense.  It sounds as if you are talking about present moment.  Then the reader discovers that it is from the past.  This is not something a reader likes to negotiate in reading.  I found myself thinking "well what she meant here was."  This is not good.

    Some of the facts seem unlikely, for example, if people having seizures bit off half of their tongue, there would be a lot of people with half a tongue.  In working in the schools for the last 40 years, I have worked with many students who have had seizures and not one of them bit their tongues off.  So even if it did happen, it leaves great doubt in the reader's mind.  That doubt then spreads to other points in the article and then the important events lose credence.

    You change verb tenses at various times and this should be rooted out and changed.  The verb tenses are very important in setting the stage and atmosphere of the piece.  The hub is written in past tense and you make too many changes to present tense.  It just makes no sense.  In the capsule 'Just reflexes?' you change the tense to present:  "At this time, mom is in her own room at the hospital. There is always someone there with her. The hospital is teaching us how to care for her once we get her home."   This can't be right.  It should be something like: "At that time, mom was in her own room at the hospital.  There was always someone there with her.  The hospital was teaching us how to care for her once we got her home."  Although an argument can be made that the hospital is not capable of teaching, it must have been someone on the staff.

    Then you say, "The doctors say she doesn't have circulation in her feet and there may be blood clots there but there is still nothing they can do.Later I found out this was caused by the medication called Warfarin that was prescribed to her for irregular heartbeat."   Look at this paragraph and tell me what is wrong with it.   Do you see that the sentence structure is goofed up?  A later reflection cannot be happening because we are in the present.  So the present has to be changed to the past and then the later discovery works.

    Again, you say something that is not too believable.  Yes it is possible but not likely, "The nurse stood in the doorway and said "she has the color of death".  This is not a typical nurse comment, especially while standing in the doorway.  True or not, it does not have the ring of truth.  It makes all else that is told suspect.

    Normally a bladder holds about 1/2 quart.  This is about 16 ounces. This is two 8 ounce glasses.   A distended bladder completely full would hold no more than one quart.  Now you tell me how many towels it would take to clean up one quart of liquid.  Two, maybe three.  But does it take every towel in the house?  Not likely.  This indicates that some of the facts follow the pattern of lacking the ring of truth.  For a reader who is interested in the facts, this is a big red flag.

    Your content has potential.  Your weakest writing skill is in verb tenses.   You cannot simply switch back and forth.  It makes for a very difficult read.  You need to study this issue and practice writing  in proper tense.

    Secondly, you need to watch the facts.  Most people will skim over them, but I am a reader that tests the voracity of all he reads.  If something does not ring true to me, then I question all of the other assertions, and facts.

    You voice is also problematic.  The telling of a story or a recounting of an incident or relationship works best for me as a telling of the heart, and not a description of all the awful things that happened.  These things have their place but just inserting them is crass.  For example, the gushing bladder episode has nothing to do with your story.   Remember, your story is really about you.  What is happening to you, the message you want to give is that you learned your lesson too late, and you want to impart some wisdom to the reader.  You are trying to get the reader to make changes now before it is too late.   The episodes and events that contribute to that message are those things that happened to you, inside, and how you came to see the world differently.

    I have done my very best to give you honest feedback.   I held nothing back.  In my opinion, you have potential, but you are going to have to work on it.

    1. profile image0
      kellieshellposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      thank you very much, I respect your opinion. now, as I  wrote this, it is all memories from the past. so when it is written in present tense I guess that at that time I was lost in the memory. I understand perhaps i should have written it all in past tense. now about her tongue,after the first seizure and being put on a breething tube, we seen her for the first time, her tongue was swollen so much it was protruding from her mouth. when her tongue healed and she was taken off of the intubator we could see that both sides and the tip of her tongue had been bitten off. perhaps it wasnt half her tongue, i never did the mesurements, but it was a good portion of her tongue. every towel in my house equals to about five , we placed about two towels on the floor and the others were under and around her.  as for the nurse, she stood in the door way of my mothers room, before examining her, and said she doesnt look good and had the color of death.  and that she should have been put on hospice. now im sure there was more to our conversation but this stuck in my mind the most. i have no reason to lie or make up stories. as for the rest of your opinion thank you and i will work on my flaws. by the way, as my profile says, i am a new to this whole writing thing, and i am working to get better. again thanks for your opinion

  4. SteveoMc profile image77
    SteveoMcposted 7 years ago

    kellieshell  My comments to you were earnestly presented to you with the desire to help you improve your writing.   As I said, your writing has some good potential and I want that to come out.   

    I suppose that this writing could be therapeutic and I understand that.   

    If you want to improve your writing, which it seems that you do, you can take the suggestions that make sense to you and make edits. 

    As far as the details are concerned, I was far from calling you a liar.  I wanted to point out that some things are not very believable.  The truth quite often is worse than anything that you could make up.  As a writer, it is good to acknowledge those things and explain how incredible and unbelievable they are.  That way you are sympathizing with the reader and you are asking your reader to believe along with you something that  you are having a hard time believing yourself.

    I commend you for taking this critique in the spirit that you seem to be doing.   I noticed a few changes that you have made specific to the feedback you have gotten.  Good job with that.  I wish you the best and hope that you have a long and productive stay here at hubpages.

    1. profile image0
      kellieshellposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      thank you Steve, and i really do appreciate your comments, i hope that you continue to , in my words, "help me" throughout my stay at the "Hub Pages Resort"

      1. thooghun profile image85
        thooghunposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Thumbs up for you Kellie, your new fan Thoog.

        1. profile image0
          kellieshellposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          Thanks Thoog!!

  5. IzzyM profile image86
    IzzyMposted 7 years ago

    That hub is going to give me nightmares tonight. This writer's mother was only in her 50s I think when she died - at the hands of her own daughter by the sounds of it.
    Strokes do take a long time to recover from. The same nurse that supposedly said "she has the color of death" also suggested with-holding food and water to bring death on sooner. I cannot believe a nurse would have said those things unless she was an evil witch. I find it even harder to believe that the writer took her words as gospel and acted upon them.

    1. profile image0
      kellieshellposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      i completely agree with you

      1. profile image0
        kellieshellposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        my mother was 56 when she died. she had massive strokes on both sides of her brain. The state she was in is sometimes refered to as vegitative state, but i dont like using this word to describe my mom. my mother used to tell us she never wanted to be kept alive by machines. she worked in nursing homes for a majority of her adult life and she saw people in all different kinds of situations. I dont believe my mother wanted to live that way and even though it has scarred me for life, i did what I thought she would want.

 
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