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Your critique greatly valued for this hub

  1. rembrandz profile image88
    rembrandzposted 6 years ago

    Hi there

    I just published this new hub http://hubpages.com/hub/New_Immigrants_in_Dubai
    by mixing my art writing and travel writing. It's a hub showcasin my art and the destination (in tribute for what I have gathered from there as an artist).

    Any suggestions, input on how I could improve my writing style will be much appreciated as I am still very new as a published writer and need to learn a lot.

    Thanks in advance.

    1. saleheensblog profile image61
      saleheensblogposted 6 years ago

      good points:
      ~length
      ~usage of image
      ~keywords

      problems:
      ~Google ads are not showing

      places to improve:
      ~I am a bit confused with your hub URL. I don't think it perfectly match with your content. Just my thought.

      1. rembrandz profile image88
        rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you for your pointers.

        Well I have not been able to get subscribed into Google Adsense. I did try to subscribe 6 months ago on joining hubpages and the response I got from them for the rejection was extremely demotivating. They rejected my application simply because they assumed I am an applicant from India. India and China applicats need 6 months on their blog. I never could get throughto them to clarify that I have been a resident of Dubai+USA past 10 years but to make my application process simpler (to understand the terms & conditions) I  just entered my home country address as registering wit my UAE address returned the terms in Arabic which I could not understand). However, I just re-applied yesterday. I am awaiting Google's approval.

        I agree...Thanks for pointing it out. The URL title is misleading because when I started writing this hub before publishing my title was only Showcasing the Mannequins as immigrants, hence I placed that as the title of the hub. There after the URL became the title I gave initially. Do you know how to change it? or should I repost this hub as completely a new one to change the URL?

        1. profile image0
          Website Examinerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Changing the URL of an existing hub is impossible, unfortunately.

        2. alternate poet profile image78
          alternate poetposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Just apply fresh and use a US address - any US address that will keep and forward your mail etc.

          1. rembrandz profile image88
            rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            omg... I just re-applied afresh, 2 days ago....I did the same crazy thing...however I passed 6 months with hubpages .... not heard from google yet. Wonder what it is this time.
            Thanks I do have a US address to show. I'll try that if I fail.

        3. saleheensblog profile image61
          saleheensblogposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          You can't change the URL but there is other way out that already you have sorted out yourself; reposting. Just create a new hub with proper URL and delete the existing one.

          1. rembrandz profile image88
            rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            Yes was thinking of trying that. I really wish I could copy and paste the whole layout as is, but I guess we can't eh? The whole creating new hub process is soooo . For some reason, I can't upload my images one after another. I have to keep renewing everytime by pressing "Done Editing" and then pressing "Edit" hub again.

            If I so much so even edit a text, I am not able to upload a single image after that, unless I press "Done editing" and start over. Extremely time consuming, unless there is another "work around"?

            1. profile image0
              Website Examinerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

              Firefox and Google Chrome tend to work a lot better on the site than Internet Explorer, and many problems similar to yours have been solved by changing to one of them.

              Another workaround (simpler, but temporary) is to press the "Reorder now" button inside the editor, which basically clears out the cache and may allow the editing to continue unhindered.

              1. rembrandz profile image88
                rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                Thanks shall try out ur tips.

    2. saleheensblog profile image61
      saleheensblogposted 6 years ago

      you could interlink the part 1 with it using link tool or with some linked words clicking on which would lead the readers to your Part 1.

      A rss and news capsule could be use.

      1. rembrandz profile image88
        rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you for your suggestions.

        Well I must add these capsules. Frankly I am yet to learn to use them effectively

        1. saleheensblog profile image61
          saleheensblogposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          this is a must read hub for you then to know about RSS capsule and its usages.

          1. profile image0
            Website Examinerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            Sorry, I don't get it. "This is a must read hub.." What do you mean by "this" ? (There is no link to any hub).

            I am not even so sure that I understand what would make a RSS feed / news capsule especially suited for this paticular hub we are critiquing.

            1. saleheensblog profile image61
              saleheensblogposted 6 years ago in reply to this

              oh God,here is the link http://hubpages.com/hub/Promote-Your-Ol … -RSS-Feeds

              Website Examiner, don't you think it would be helpful for her as she is writing a series on art topics? And it was not for this particular hub but a common suggestion. Just my thoughts.

              1. profile image0
                Website Examinerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                Good, the link: Now we are getting somewhere.

                My concern was not to overwhelm Rembrandz with "to-do" tasks and "you-could-also" type suggestions. What you are saying about RSS feeds makes sense, with the way you are now explaining it. Thanks.

                1. saleheensblog profile image61
                  saleheensblogposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                  I am also learning you know and you are a good teacher and guide. smile thank you.

                  1. rembrandz profile image88
                    rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                    Thank you folks.

              2. rembrandz profile image88
                rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                Thank you saleheensblog. I'll read this hub ASAP.

    3. profile image0
      Website Examinerposted 6 years ago

      The lengthy hub is a major achievement, and quite frankly I haven't had the time to read it all. I did notice one thing at a glance:

      "This painting...This approach rejected...Pleased at this opportunity to send you this hub... and questions to help me gather how this hub.."

      The many instances of the word "this" within a few paragraphs is a classic example of over-use/repeat instances of the same word. It creates a bit of a stereotypical impression, so finding more varied expressions will enhance your writing.

      I have also noticed - both in this hub and some of your previous ones - that you are having some difficulties with punctuation. For example: "And it was up to me, to pick and choose..." There is not supposed to be a comma, so that is something you will want to work on as well.

      1. rembrandz profile image88
        rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Hey thanks WE for your critique
        I really appreciate your frank opinion.

        The pointers are so valuable and I must say it's "My Bad!" I did a bit "hurrying up" to publish this hub. I was quite eager to publish for the sake of my paintings and my new inspiration to create those fashion illustrations. I had written the art part of this article, long ago and made the paintings, but felt it was incomplete without talking about the country. So yeah, I got a little bit impatient while doing the finishing.

        The "this" flaws I seriously did not realise. I see it's so true. Am going to work on it, right away.

        Wow!! again, thank you so much for pointing out my problem of proper punctuations.... I was in a mighty hurry to publish it. Moreover, being a new article writer, I have to work on so many things. One biggest thing is patience. I thought as an artist we have patience enough to complete our pieces. But I am realising being a writer is no joke because it needs more patience and using of the left brain. Frankly, I have never done any reading up to improve my punctuation or writing skills. I will focus on improving it from now on Thanks again.

      2. rembrandz profile image88
        rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Hello again WE

        I did some cleaning up with your suggestions...do check it out when you have the time. http://hubpages.com/hub/New_Immigrants_in_Dubai

        One quick question. Do you think my hub was too long? Because I know sometimes people may want to come back later when they see a lengthy hub, like you did with this hub. I too do it sometimes.

        Thanks in advance

    4. alternate poet profile image78
      alternate poetposted 6 years ago

      I think English may be your seond language ?  It hardly shows and the writing is excellent.  There are some areas that show it, usually rhetorical questions to introduce something that native speakersdo not usually use. This is not a disadvantage as it adds a richness to the slightly flowery language that is your own.  I think the layout and pics etc are really good, I don't know about the profitability unless you link it to your own website I cannot see what you are 'selling' to get clicks on the ads  ?

      1. profile image0
        Website Examinerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Agreed. The writing is very good.

        1. rembrandz profile image88
          rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Thank you for your kind words...WE

      2. rembrandz profile image88
        rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Thanks for your English pointers alternative poet. And your appreciation. Hmm I have a lot of British friends who I have associated with at work and socially. However, I would never have known their context of English language usage.

        As regards my English background, I just ammended my profile yesterday which answers your question. (turned out to be lengthy... It could have been made into a separate hub ;o)) http://hubpages.com/profile/rembrandz.

        Well I am here to write art-related hubs to showcase my art and slowly drive traffic to my website because ultimately I want to make my website generate online enquiries. But for this hub I felt I must add something new as I did not want to sound as if I am bragging about my art works. That's why I felt it appropriate to talk about Dubai which I am equally fascinated about. Did you think I took away the "selling point" by doing this? yikes/

        I have several other generic articles unpublished which are not art related but didn't want to release it because I did not want my focus to get distracted. But an article about Dubai was too irresistible so I thought I take this opportunity.

        1. alternate poet profile image78
          alternate poetposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          I would say that any hub related or not is generally useful - and bragging about your art work is called selling and should be engaged with at every opportunity big_smile

    5. profile image0
      Website Examinerposted 6 years ago

      I have proof-read the first 1/4th of this hub. As you can see, there are quite many corrections. To completely proofread this hub exceeds the format even for the Extreme Hub Makeover forum.

      Comments and recommendations:

      1. Length is appropriate and well-supported by graphics. Longer hubs tend to be rewarded by search engines;

      2. "...finally give you the next in my series..." --> "...the second installment in my series..." (otherwise, "next" refers to series, which is incorrect as there is only one series);

      3. "...show you to some very special people..." --> "...show you some very special people..." (no thanks, please don't show me to anyone);

      4. punctuation issues:
      a. "...pleasure as a practicing" is correct (no comma)
      b. "that follows shows the" is correct (no comma, notice correct spelling and wording, also);
      c. "Featured here is..." (no comma)
      d. "immigrants, who have contributed in volumes to make..." (comma moved to its correct place)
      e. "...plan hard to make..." (no comma)
      f. "in the world, "The Burj Al Arab"..." (comma added)
      g. "...homes to see..." (no comma"
      h. "...cars waiting..." (no comma)
      i. "... landscape is all..." (no comma)
      j. "...themselves with..." no comma)
      k. "...hub, to whom I am sending my tribute, let... (comma corrected, also one "to" too many removed)
      l. "...challenges against all odds, and emerge..." (comma moved)
      m. "...such as this is truly..." (no comma)
      n. "...here during..." (no comma)
      o. "...the huge expanse of empty deserts getting..." (no comma, "the" added)
      p. "In a couple of instances, I was..." (comma added, grammar corrected)
      q. "...working here has contributed in some way..." (no commas)

      5. "They are one of the newest..." --> "They are some of the newest..." (plural matches plural)

      6. "...immigrants, who have given me an opportunity to very colourfully introduce, in a few minutes." --> immigrants, whom I will have an opportunity to very colourfully introduce in a few minutes." (Current version is gramatically incorrect bordering on being incomprehensible);

      7. "Alongside is the picture of the Tallest Building in the World..." --> "Alongside this paragraph is the picture of the Tallest Building in the World..." ("Alongside" cannot stand alone, it has to be in reference to something).

      8. "...of course the number of malls..." --> "of course the large number of malls..." (or "of course the numerous malls...")

      9. Spelling
      a. "gauranteed" --> guaranteed
      b. "right upto" --> right up to
      c. "atleast" --> at least
      d. "over-whelmed" --> overwhelmed

      10. "...passed modestly by my sedan..." --> "...passed my modest sedan" (isn't that what you mean!?)

      11. "...so you could afford..." --> "...so you can afford..." (you are writing in present tense, then stick to it)

      Feel free to contact me via HubPages if you would like to have me proof-read this hub in its entirety. W.E.

      1. saleheensblog profile image61
        saleheensblogposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        OMG, WE you are an angel, you has been so kind here.

      2. rembrandz profile image88
        rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        I second saleheensblog in saying, "You are such an angel".
        Gosh Thank you WE ... for your extreme counselling.

        Looks like I "must!" take a break from serious article-writing before I address these punctuations and grammatical issues...hmm I seriously need to brush up!

      3. rembrandz profile image88
        rembrandzposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Hi WE as regards the point 10. No I meant the Rolls Royce passing modestly by my Ford Taurus, in spite of its luxurious status. I was refering to the Rolls Royce behaving humbly towards me by passing my Sedan yikes)

        1. profile image0
          Website Examinerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          I considered that possibility, therefore the "!?" Just keep it like it is.

    6. profile image0
      Website Examinerposted 6 years ago

      Thanks Saleheensblog and Rembrandz, it's been a pleasure!

    7. saleheensblog profile image61
      saleheensblogposted 6 years ago

      I am starting from "What to learn from this hub" paragraph.

      ~a learners ---> a learner's

      ~world of creatives --->world of creativities

      ~My stars of today, are beautiful people --->My stars of today are beautiful people [no comma]

      ~Inspite--->In spite

      ~dubai--->Dubai

      ~With the mall culture came an influx ---> change the verb came use got [not sure]

      ~" !---> "!

      ~mannequins in echos ;o--->Mannequins in echoes; o

      ~These petite people, have --->These petite people have

      ~This was catured in Deira Citicentre and the meduim used is
      Watercolour on hand-made paper --->This was captured in Deira Citicentre and the medium used is Watercolor on hand-made paper

      ~these fashionistas--->these fashionists

      ~jist--->jest

      ~of a Wannabe Fashionista---> of Wannabe fashionists

      ~MInd--->Mind

      ~Welcome to Dubai! for a once-in-a-lifetime artistic experience!--->Welcome to Dubai! For an once-in-a-lifetime artistic experience!

      ~Na’vi--->

      ~One was afte --->One was after

      Thank you and best of luck

    8. saleheensblog profile image61
      saleheensblogposted 6 years ago

      One suggestion for you: Take your texts in Microsoft word and you can easily get rid of these errors. I am too much poor in English and no authority to correct your mistakes all I did was edited your text in Ms Word, that's it.

    9. saleheensblog profile image61
      saleheensblogposted 6 years ago

      sent you an e-mail, check it.

     
    working