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Friday Jokes

  1. Stacie Naczelnik profile image89
    Stacie Naczelnikposted 8 years ago

    An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

    The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

    "You must mean the lift," he said.

    "No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

    "Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

    "Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."

    "Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

    Come on everyone...bring 'em on.

  2. DJ Funktual profile image87
    DJ Funktualposted 8 years ago

    A Man and his family walk into a talent agency and say have I got an act for you. 
    {             First the father whipped out his......
    {        Then the mother starts to.......and the father not only likes it but...
    {      and if that wasn't gross enough, all of a sudden the children...
    {   The family pet walks on stage, and by this point...
    {   ...vomit and filth.........images of foul........a basketball of all things.
    The talent agent looks at him and says, Ohg mY Goid, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard, what do tyou call yourselves?

    The Father Smiled Like  TV Host and said, THE ARISTOCRATS!

    ba dum bum.

  3. Stacie Naczelnik profile image89
    Stacie Naczelnikposted 8 years ago

    A billboard outside a high school announced,"Blood Drive Tomorrow."

    And beneath that, "Go Sharks Go!"

  4. Mark Knowles profile image61
    Mark Knowlesposted 8 years ago

    I am going with a funny photo:

    http://markpknowles.com/wp-content/gallery/offensive-to-all/fat-michael.jpg

    My current favorite from about 1000000000 in my collection big_smile

    1. crashcromwell profile image81
      crashcromwellposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      HEY! How'd you get my picture? LOL!



      It's not fair to say that guys like me are out of shape. Anyone who sees me knows that I have plenty of shape!

    2. andrews profile image60
      andrewsposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      Mark I don't think Ive laughed that hard in a long time! Thanks for sharing smile

  5. Stacie Naczelnik profile image89
    Stacie Naczelnikposted 8 years ago

    Wow.  I'm lovin' it.

  6. stephhicks68 profile image81
    stephhicks68posted 8 years ago

    Love the photo, Mark!!

    Stacie - Blood Drive.... LOL

    OK - here's mine.  It didn't make the cut for my "clean jokes" Hub... big_smile

    One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring hard at her.

    When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.”

    She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.”

    The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had the fantasy of having a nun give me a blow job.”

    She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. First, you have to be single, and second you have to be Catholic.”

    Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!”

    The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alleyway over there.”

    The cab driver pulled into the alleyway and the nun went to it. Soon after the nun was finished, the cab driver started crying.

    The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?”

    He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!”

    The nun replied, “That’s okay. My name’s Jeff and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

  7. Stacie Naczelnik profile image89
    Stacie Naczelnikposted 8 years ago

    Little Mary was not the best student in a Catholic school. Usually, she slept thru the class.

    One day, the teacher -- a nun -- called on her while she was sleeping.

    "Tell me, Mary, who created the Universe?"

    When Mary didn't stir, little Johny, who was sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

    "God Almighty!" shouted Mary.

    A little later, the nun asked Mary a second question: "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

    But Mary didn't stir, so once again Johny came to her rescue and stuck Mary in the butt.

    "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

    And the nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

    The nun asked Mary a third question: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?"

    Again Johny came to her resue and stuck the pencil into her butt.

    This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me once more, I'll break it in half!"

    On hearing this, the nun fainted.

  8. DJ Funktual profile image87
    DJ Funktualposted 8 years ago

    Great stuff so far.

    Why did the mexican throw his wife off the roof?

    Tequila!

  9. funride profile image79
    funrideposted 8 years ago

    lol I´m loving to read this thread!



    During a visit to a insane asylum this politic (it could be Bush) asked the Director which were the criterion to determine if a patient is cured or not.

    - Well, we fill a bathtub and offer a spoon and a cup and ask the patient to empty the tub.

    - I understood. Then a normal person must choose the cup which is larger. Right!?

    - Wrong, a normal person takes the cover and lets the tub drain by itself... big_smile

  10. drummer boy profile image60
    drummer boyposted 8 years ago

    this is a good idea.  Like the thread.

  11. Stacie Naczelnik profile image89
    Stacie Naczelnikposted 8 years ago

    Two hydrogen atoms meet.

    One says, "I've lost my electron."

    The other says, "Are you sure?"

    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

  12. stephhicks68 profile image81
    stephhicks68posted 8 years ago

    Ha, Ha, Ha!!

    I've always been a fan of puns:

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.

    A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area.

  13. Stacie Naczelnik profile image89
    Stacie Naczelnikposted 8 years ago

    Love them Steph!

    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan . . ." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

  14. Inspirepub profile image85
    Inspirepubposted 8 years ago

    This is our family's current fave:

    FUNDING CUTS IN THE ARMY RESERVE

    A guy goes off to his Army Reserve training, and the Sarge explains that due to funding cuts, they will have to change procedures. Instead of issuing everyone with rifles, they will need to pretend they have rifles, and when they want to fire the rifles, they are to yell "bangity bang bang!"

    This seems a little odd to the recruit, but it's only training, after all.

    So they head off into the field for the exercise. After a long, boring period of watching his allocated section of bush, he sees a movement.

    "Bangity bang bang!" he yells.

    The movement continues, getting closer.

    "Bangity bang bang!" he yells again.

    The bushes part, an a member of the opposing team appears.

    "Bangity bang bang! Bangity bang bang! Come on, you're dead! You have to lie down!"

    The other guy just keeps on coming.

    Our hero braces himself, and as the other guy gets close enough, he whips out his imaginary bayonet.

    "Stabbity stab stab!" he yells. "Stabbity stab stab!"

    The other guy just keeps moving forward, trampling our valiant hero into the dirt, muttering "Tankity tank tank, tankity tank tank ..."

    Jenny

  15. stephhicks68 profile image81
    stephhicks68posted 8 years ago

    These are so funny!  Can you tell that I love jokes!  (my hubs, my jokes, my previous posts?!?)

    Thoughts for the day:

    Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

    For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

    I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

    Who stopped payment on my reality check?

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else!

    Happy Friday everyone!!  big_smile

  16. DJ Funktual profile image87
    DJ Funktualposted 8 years ago

    This is so much fun.   I keep waiting for Gabe Kaplan to walk in the thread with one of his jokes about a relative circa Welcome Back, Kotter. 

    BTW, West Coast Rap Pioneer turned actor Ice Cube is playing Kotter's role in the movie version which comes out next year.

    1. crashcromwell profile image81
      crashcromwellposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      Ice Cube as Kotter? There's something wrong with that picture! I hope you're joking!

      1. DJ Funktual profile image87
        DJ Funktualposted 8 years ago in reply to this

        Not joking.  I think you should wait and see about this one. 

        Besides Kaplan himself thought it was a brilliant choice.

  17. crashcromwell profile image81
    crashcromwellposted 8 years ago

    This is my daughter's favorite joke.....


    knock knock....

    who's there?

    banana

    banana who?

    knock knock....

    who's there?

    banana

    banana who?

    knock knock....

    who's there?

    banana

    banana who?

    knock knock....

    who's there?

    banana

    banana who?

    knock knock....

    who's there?

    orange

    orange who?

    orange you glad I didn't say banana?

  18. Inspirepub profile image85
    Inspirepubposted 8 years ago

    Well, Stacie, if epigrams count I have to plug Ashleigh Brilliant just a little.

    I have abandoned my search for Truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy.

    I understand birth, and I understand death - it's the part in between that confuses me.

    If chocolate could teach, I would by now be very well-educated.

    I need you in my life, to help me deal with the problems you inevitably bring.

    My life has a fantastic cast of characters, but I am having trouble following the plot.

    It's always a nice day in outer space.

    Parents and children are not naturally friends, but in some cases, lifetime bonds have been formed.

    I agree with every one of your irrefutable premises, but I do not agree with your inescapable conclusion.

    I am still waiting for some public reaction to my arrival on Earth.

    Jenny

  19. Eric Graudins profile image61
    Eric Graudinsposted 8 years ago

    OK, here's my favourite religious joke.
    Of All time.
    Ever.

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
    He said, "Nobody loves me."
    I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
    He said, "Yes."
    I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
    He said, "A Christian."
    I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
    He said, "Protestant."
    I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
    He said, "Baptist."
    I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
    He said, "Northern Baptist."
    I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
    He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
    I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
    He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
    I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
    He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
    I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


    And for an encore . . . . . .a few one liners.

    · When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

    · So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

    · A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

    · I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

    (These jokes were all written by Emo Phillips - one of my favourite comedians.)

  20. Eric Graudins profile image61
    Eric Graudinsposted 8 years ago

    More Emo Phillips (There's no rules here about posting more than once - is there ???).
    Just checking smile

    ...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!" -- Emo Phillips

    I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." -- Emo Phillips

    The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil. -- Emo Phillips

    I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." -- Emo Phillips

    I'm a great lover, I'll bet. -- Emo Phillips

    People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" -- Emo Phillips

    People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce. -- Emo Phillips

    Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

    I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. -- Emo Phillips

    I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet. -- Emo Phillips

    I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?" -- Emo Phillips

    You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists. -- Emo Phillips

    I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them. -- Emo Phillips

    The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." -- Emo Phillips

    Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"

    I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks. -- Emo Phillips

    1. crashcromwell profile image81
      crashcromwellposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      My mother says every time I'm on the bus, there's a weirdo on it....but I can't find him! - Emo Phillips

  21. Inspirepub profile image85
    Inspirepubposted 8 years ago

    I have a T-shirt which says "Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the restraints".

    I get COMMENTS just about every time I wear it in public.

    Usually along the lines of "oh, I feel the same way" or "I love it".

    Jenny

    1. funride profile image79
      funrideposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      Oh Jenny, I bet you always hear nice comments no matter which t-shirt you wear wink.

    2. DJ Funktual profile image87
      DJ Funktualposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      I want that shirt!!!

  22. Inspirepub profile image85
    Inspirepubposted 8 years ago

    *blush*

    my, my, you are too kind ....

    Jenny

  23. funride profile image79
    funrideposted 8 years ago

    This one can also be told by women (just change the characters) so don´t be mad with me wink:

    A man enter in his house and yells to his wife:
    - Mary, pick your things. I just win the lottery!

    Mary answered:
    - Do you think I should take warm clothing for cold weather or light ones for hot temperatures?

    The man answered:
    - Take everything, you're leaving.

    lol



    In a prison two inmates are talking with each other:

    - Why were you arrested?

    - Commercial competition...

    - How so?

    - The government and I make identical $ notes. big_smile



    A Polish immigrant is doing an examination to his sight to obtain a driving license in New York.

    - The examiner shows him a card with the following letters:  CZJWINOSTACZ

    - The examiner question him:
    - Can you read this?

    And the Polish reply:

    - Read!? I know that guy!

    lol

  24. profile image60
    john schmitposted 8 years ago

    Ask ur mother..
    so easy.
    john

  25. JamaGenee profile image86
    JamaGeneeposted 8 years ago

    My favorite T-Shirt:

                    SILENCE IS GOLDEN
                   DUCT TAPE IS SILVER

    Great thread!!   cool  cool  cool
    Jama

  26. lancedimetri profile image74
    lancedimetriposted 8 years ago

    Three lizards on the ceiling having fun, one did the somersault and fell down. How many lizards on the ceiling now?

    There's none.
    (The two lizards were impressed and clapped their hands and fell down)!

  27. compu-smart profile image80
    compu-smartposted 8 years ago

    How do you keep an idiot in suspence??

    1. Mark Knowles profile image61
      Mark Knowlesposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      I'm waiting.........

      1. crashcromwell profile image81
        crashcromwellposted 8 years ago in reply to this

        Now Mark, you're a good sport, setting yourself up like that!

  28. DJ Funktual profile image87
    DJ Funktualposted 8 years ago

    I love thread!  Good Job Stacie.

    George Carlin's Favorite Oxymorons!
    {from the book BRAINDROPPINGS}

    assistant supervisor
    new tradition
    original copy
    plastic glass
    uninvited guest
    highly depressed
    live recording
    authentic reproduction
    partial cease-fire
    limited lifetime guarantee
    elevated subway
    dry lake
    true replica
    forward lateral
    standard options

    abd his classics...

    military intelligence
    business ethics

    and my favorite JUMBO SHRIMP!

  29. Stacie Naczelnik profile image89
    Stacie Naczelnikposted 8 years ago

    Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.

  30. Paraglider profile image89
    Paragliderposted 8 years ago

    What did they use in Zimbabwe before candles?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    electricity

  31. stephhicks68 profile image81
    stephhicks68posted 8 years ago

    A computer once beat me at chess.  But it was no match for me at kick boxing...!!

    There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know

  32. Misha profile image76
    Mishaposted 8 years ago

    LOL Steph I did not recognize you big_smile Like it, btw smile

  33. Stooge profile image79
    Stoogeposted 8 years ago

    Dont know if you guys have heard this, but I really liked this one. It comes with a morale as well smile

    *******************************************************************************************

    A priest offered a Nun a lift.

    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

    The priest nearly had an accident.

    After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

    *******************************************************************************************

    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

  34. Misha profile image76
    Mishaposted 8 years ago

    LOL keep them coming smile

  35. Stooge profile image79
    Stoogeposted 8 years ago

    Another one with a moral - great for the business people out there.
    ******************************************************************************************

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

    Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

    'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

    'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

    *******************************************************************************************

    Moral of the story:

    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

  36. Stooge profile image79
    Stoogeposted 8 years ago

    This joke came from my 10 years nephew. I was shocked.

    ******************************************************************************************

    A grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names.
     
    First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.

    "My name is Dan,
    When I grow up to be a man,
    I want to go to India and Japan ,
    If I can, If I can, If I can. "

    "Very good", the teacher said to Dan. She then asked Sally that it was now her turn.

    "My name is Sally,
    When I grow up to be a lady,
    I want to have a baby
    If I can, if I can, if I can. "

    "That is good Sally," the teacher said. "But maybe one day you will change your mind."
     
    Next up was Glenn. He was the naughty one in the class. Here is his rhyme:
     
    "My name is Glenn,
    When I grow up to be a man,
    Never mind India and Japan ,
    I'm gonna help Sally with her plan,
    I know I can, I can, I can. "

  37. Stacie Naczelnik profile image89
    Stacie Naczelnikposted 8 years ago

    Okay, it's not Friday, but...(my boss is gone for the day and not coming to work tomorrow, so it feels like one!):

    Wife: Darling, you hate all my relatives.
    Husband: "No, I don`t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.

    1. weblog profile image58
      weblogposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      This seems to be a popular joke. Nice one smile I've heard it here in India, I'm an Indian.

  38. jimmythejock profile image83
    jimmythejockposted 8 years ago

    This Joke will get you thinking

    A masochist and a sadist are sitting together and the masochist turns to the sadist and says"punch me in the mouth as hard as you can"
    the sadist answers"no"
    ........jimmy

  39. RFox profile image82
    RFoxposted 8 years ago

    Jimmy that's awesome!! ROLFL big_smile

  40. SunSeven profile image62
    SunSevenposted 8 years ago
  41. Doc Rich profile image59
    Doc Richposted 8 years ago

    A few more oxymorons...

    Act Naturally
    Almost Exactly
    Clearly Ambiguous
    Constant Variable
    Exact Estimate
    Half Full

    and my favorite... Microsoft Works smile

  42. weblog profile image58
    weblogposted 8 years ago
  43. profile image0
    terrygposted 8 years ago

    All the family gathered at the old people's home to celebrate Great Grandmother's 97 birthday.

    The Grandmother cannot talk and uses a pad to communicate. The family wheeled her out under a tree so she could sit in her wheelchair with the family.

    After awhile Grandmother started to lean forward and they pushed her back propping her up with a pillow. Soon Grandmother started to lean to her right and they pushed her back up and propped her up with another pillow. Soon she leant to her left and they pushed her back and propped her up with a pillow.

    The Grandson ran over to Grandmother and said, "How's it going Gran" and she wrote on her note pad. It said, "They won't let me fart".

    1. weblog profile image58
      weblogposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      Hilarious big_smile

      1. quensday profile image79
        quensdayposted 8 years ago in reply to this

        lol, just to add on to fart jokes: Constipated people don't give a crap.

        1. weblog profile image58
          weblogposted 8 years ago in reply to this

          Constipation:
          The height of Possessiveness big_smile

  44. weblog profile image58
    weblogposted 8 years ago
  45. thranax profile image51
    thranaxposted 8 years ago

    Even if its Friday Drive safely.
    http://www.christian-mommies.com/cartoons/Back%20Seat%20Rider.gif

    1. weblog profile image58
      weblogposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      Funny big_smile

  46. Maddie Ruud profile image83
    Maddie Ruudposted 8 years ago

    One of my favorite jokes: Quentin Tarantino in Desperado

    (If you haven't seen Desperado, you may want to know that it's already been established that the beer in this bar tastes like piss.)

  47. weblog profile image58
    weblogposted 8 years ago

    Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

    Father : No. Why do you ask that?

    Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?

    Q/A Jokes

  48. dingdong profile image60
    dingdongposted 8 years ago

    Great jokes everyone big_smile

  49. WHoArtNow profile image84
    WHoArtNowposted 8 years ago

    ROFL, great posts and jokes!

      2 nuns are driving down the road when a vampire jumps on the hood of the car, one nun turns to the other and says "quick, show him your cross! so the other nun jumps out of the car and shouts " what are you doing, get off my f**king car!!"

    1. dingdong profile image60
      dingdongposted 8 years ago in reply to this

      Good one big_smile

  50. DJ Funktual profile image87
    DJ Funktualposted 8 years ago

    Guy goes to the doctor, and the dosctor says, "Sir, you've got to stop masturbating." And the guy was like, "Why?" And the doctor says, "So I can examine you."   

    ~Zach Galifiniakis

 
working