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Experienced feedback & help required please

  1. Inspired to write profile image68
    Inspired to writeposted 5 years ago

    Hi everyone
    I came to this section of the hub forum to ask if any experienced hubbers (& not so experienced) have a few minutes for a tad of reading some of my work with the idea of kindly offer me some feedback concerning my style of writing? Here is the link below.


    1: I am trying to find out, how a title would compel the reader to read the article, or would it be the subject of the written work that would ensue a reader to read?

    2: Within the article outlined above I provide an explanatory purpose to the information written & at the bottom of the article I have provided a link to a follow up article 'Theory Out of Body Experience' where as I have begun the article as an explanatory piece before leading into a 'story style' mode.

    Any kind of feedback would be appreciated as I can learn more on what folk enjoy the most.

    Thank you in advance. Regards Dale

  2. 0
    Website Examinerposted 5 years ago

    The title is clearly very important, and yours is a good one. Most readers have a short attention span, therefore the opening paragraph should capture the reader's attention, prompting them to read more. If not, some will simply bounce off the page.

    You are starting with a short paragraph in which you ask the reader to keep an open mind, followed by one fairly abstract paragraph. There is nothing wrong with this approach, but it may be to your advantage to find a way to lengthen the first paragraph and get the reader hooked.

    This approach - hooks - can involve various techniques, such as a rhethorical question or some personal experiences of yours. For example, you could say: "I don't know about you, but it's been my experience that most people find it difficult to be open-minded about anything concerning ghosts and spirituality. It is like they have prejudice, either strongly in favor or opposed.... Please keep an open mind, if you will, let me try to share my experiences with you..."

    This is a more engaging style than what you have at present. You should also upload a suitable picture for your article, for example from Wikimedia Commons or some other image repository. Learn about licenses and attribution, many images are freely available with attribution or in the public domain, others are not. Having your profile picture as the default image for hubs is OK once in awhile, but not the ideal solution for an article about spirituality.

    The substantive parts of your article look good to me, a methodical and easy-to-understand presentation of a difficult subject matter.

    1. Inspired to write profile image68
      Inspired to writeposted 5 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you very much Website Examiner for your feedback & tips. Thank you also for your comments. I will take note of your expertise for my future writings.

      Regards Dale

  3. Shadesbreath profile image89
    Shadesbreathposted 5 years ago

    I think your title is great and the topic potential is fantastic, but I think you need to expand this a good deal more to make it compelling enough to earn any clicks on that link. 

    You introduce interesting ideas, but only very briefly.  Your 2nd, 3rd, 4-5, 6-7, and 8th paragraphs are all different ideas, roughly related, but they get no quality time spent on them as far as really expanding them and breaking them down, making illustrations and examples and then reflecting on them, etc.

    The last paragraph even refers to itself "In this paragraph example" but there is no paragraph example beyond mentioning someone sensing a loved one really briefly.  Don't get me wrong, that is a cool concept I'd like to read about, but right now you aren't giving me anything to read HERE.  It's feels like the hub is really saying, "Hey, here's a concept that you thought you were going to read about here, but you really need to click this link to read about it because THIS article is not really an article even though you thought it was; it's really a tool to get you to my other article (or get you to go to my website so I can sell you stuff or convert you or whatever)." 

    That's the sort of thing that makes people feel used (which means they won't be clicking your link).  You have to give them something genuine in the hub/article THEY ALREADY CLICKED ON. If someone takes the time to visit your article, you have already gotten them to honor you with a click.  Give them something good, carefully written and valuable.  I'd suggest you take that plant energy example, and rather than just saying as you do, "Hey, go do some research on this plant phenomenon," that YOU should go do the research and then write it up nice.  You hit it briefly, but you could easily do another 600 or 800 words on it if you cared to. Put some pictures in there.  Explain what's happening. Tell me an amazing story about that. 

    Take time and put genuine effort into explaining that and really suck me into the concept of energy and all that stuff, and when I'm through, I might be like, "Wow, that's freaking cool." If you do that, then I will consider clicking the link; you will have earned another click from me since this click turned out so well.  Make sense?

    It's that stuff I wrote on your other forum thread about how to get people to actually read.  I mentioned caring for the reader and that sort of thing, which I noticed you passed over in your replies.

    Also, get rid of the ampersands and just type "and."  All the & everywhere is distracting and makes it feel even more rushed.

    Hope this helps.  Welcome to HP, by the way.