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Constructive help, please.

  1. CJ Andrews profile image87
    CJ Andrewsposted 6 years ago

    I have not written anything besides memos for a long time.  It would be greatly appreciated if a couple people would be willing to assist me with this short fiction work.  Any and all constructive critiquing would be much appreciated.

    Sundress in July

    Thanks in Advance
    Chris

  2. profile image0
    Website Examinerposted 6 years ago

    I did read it, I can see some humor and sophistication in your style.

    I noticed a tendency towards repeatedly using the same word close together. See if you can use synonyms or streamline those passages.

    Also, I would have enjoyed some more lines with a neutral perspective: The narrator's voice is very strong, how about mellowing that out here and there. You need to let the reader inside your story, not impose your narrator's voice upon them.

  3. lrohner profile image86
    lrohnerposted 6 years ago

    I'm no fiction expert, but I think you have real promise.

    Besides what WE said, my only input is to get rid of some of the unnecessary words. They can just confuse things.

    For instance, this:

    "For some reason I remember how Jake had his manicured thumb latched to the top of his faded blue jeans.  That was the style then, as was his slicked back jet-black hair.  The black and white two-toned shoes he wore seemed so clean, as if he carried his shoes with him and only put them on indoors.  Those are some of the details from that day that are burned into my memory instead of some of the other events that happened that day."

    might read better like this:

    "I remember how Jake had his manicured thumb latched to the top of his faded blue jeans. That was the style then, as was his slicked back jet-black hair. The black and white two-toned shoes he wore seemed so clean, as if he carried his shoes with him and only put them on indoors."

    See what I mean? If it's not adding anything to the story, then it's just fluff.

    But keep writing! I'll definitely read more.

    ETA: About the narrator's strong voice that WE mentioned, I think it's fine in moderation. If this was an entire book, I would think you would switch from this voice to another character in alternating chapters maybe.

  4. profile image0
    Website Examinerposted 6 years ago

    Irohner, I agree with what you are saying about shortening that paragraph, and in general toning down the narrator's reflections. Reads too much like a diary currently.

    1. CJ Andrews profile image87
      CJ Andrewsposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I appreciate it, I was trying to show a little confusion and impulsiveness with some of the wondering.  As the main character is and that it really got him into trouble.
      If you have anything else I would appreciate it.  And I do see what you are saying, I will have to edit some of it and see how it feels.  And I would change more if the piece were longer.  Thanks again, when I have more time I will post an update and see what you all think.
      Would either of you mind if I mailed you directly to ask what you thought of the update?

      Thanks for you time
      Chris

  5. profile image0
    Website Examinerposted 6 years ago

    CJ Andrews, feel free to contact me. But if you post here again, we can see that in our Hubtivity, and come to have another look.

 
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