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Anyone in need of a laugh?

  1. IzzyM profile image86
    IzzyMposted 5 years ago

    The Woman Marine Pilot

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and told their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

    "Janie, do you have a story to share?"

    'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
    She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

    ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

    "Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

    I love these touching stories!

  2. Cagsil profile image60
    Cagsilposted 5 years ago

    lol lol lol lol lol lol

  3. Peter Owen profile image60
    Peter Owenposted 5 years ago

    LOL  good advice.

  4. IzzyM profile image86
    IzzyMposted 5 years ago

    Never knew HP had a filter to change bad words, but it does, because I copy/pasted in the full word!

    Anyway this is interesting.

    This year only -

    Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born - now add
    the age you will be this year,

    The results will be 111 for everyone in whole world.

    1. CASE1WORKER profile image84
      CASE1WORKERposted 5 years ago in reply to this

      wow! 60+51 =111

      wow

      1. IzzyM profile image86
        IzzyMposted 5 years ago in reply to this

        same here - 53 + 58 = 111.

        Weird, huh?

    2. Haunty profile image84
      Hauntyposted 5 years ago in reply to this

      Yea, because it's 2011. Try it next year. wink

      1. IzzyM profile image86
        IzzyMposted 5 years ago in reply to this

        Just this year only. Apparently, also this year, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. This happens
        once every 823 years.

  5. Haunty profile image84
    Hauntyposted 5 years ago

    Well, I certainly understand the bottom line. big_smile

  6. Ron Montgomery profile image61
    Ron Montgomeryposted 5 years ago

    I go by the Mayan calendar and got different results...

    I want my money back!! mad

    1. IzzyM profile image86
      IzzyMposted 5 years ago in reply to this

      Uh...I don't know anything at all about the Mayan calender I'm afraid.

  7. Denise Handlon profile image89
    Denise Handlonposted 5 years ago

    Here's one I heard today that is good for the young kids/grandkids.

    Do you know why Alabama is the smartest state? 

    "No  Why?"


    Because it has 3 A's and a 'B'   (4 A's if you are really paying attention!  smile  )


    Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk....smile

    1. IzzyM profile image86
      IzzyMposted 5 years ago in reply to this

      Is it not 4 'A's?

      1. Denise Handlon profile image89
        Denise Handlonposted 5 years ago in reply to this

        Oooops    lol  lol  lol   Yep, that's what I meant.    Thanks   (that BTW was the real joke, smile  )

        1. IzzyM profile image86
          IzzyMposted 5 years ago in reply to this

          Well if it makes you feel any better, before I noticed that I was about to post to ask if this was an in-joke American thing!
          I'm glad in a way because it just shows the brain cells are not dead yet (mine I mean!)

          1. Denise Handlon profile image89
            Denise Handlonposted 5 years ago in reply to this

            lol   But MINE were,  lol

  8. IzzyM profile image86
    IzzyMposted 5 years ago

    Never mind - here's more.


    You have to love British humor!
    These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:



    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
    8 years old.
    Hateful little bastard.
    Bites!


    FREE PUPPIES.
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.


    FREE PUPPIES.
    Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
    Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    Also 1 gay bull for sale.


    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    Must sell washer and dryer £100.


    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
    Worn once by mistake.
    Call Stephanie.

    **** And the WINNER is... ****

    FOR SALE BY OWNER.
    Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
    Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

    1. PhoenixV profile image79
      PhoenixVposted 5 years ago in reply to this

      I Liked the sneaky neighbor's dog.lol

    2. Denise Handlon profile image89
      Denise Handlonposted 5 years ago in reply to this

      lol  My fave is the encyclopedia set for sale.

    3. SomewayOuttaHere profile image59
      SomewayOuttaHereposted 5 years ago in reply to this

      good ads...i just bought a hot tub via an ad stating something about it being 10  months old and no need for it since the wife just left him...so of course i had to call....before i said 'i'll take it'- i asked if the reason for the wife leaving was because of the hot tub...and then later asked  'should i get it removed quick because of the pending divorce?'

  9. danatheteacher profile image83
    danatheteacherposted 5 years ago

    I think the only phrase that comes to mind is "wow" or maybe "woah"

  10. RedElf profile image84
    RedElfposted 5 years ago

    big_smilebig_smilebig_smilebig_smilebig_smile

    Love the wedding dress advert! Thanks for brightening my day!

 
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