Take a break from politics and religion, just share a joke.
If you hadn't of asked I would have many jokes to tell, now I can't think of a single one.
Once upon a time, there was an old man. He died in his teens!
Did you hear the one about the religious politician?
Heard on the Bob and Tom radio show:
A man goes in for an eye exam.
After a few moments the doctor says, " Well, it looks like you'll have to stop masturbating".
"Why is that Doc"
"I'm trying to give you an eye exam".
A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about insomnia and the crazy dreams he's been having. In one dream he's a teepee, the next it's a wigwam. Just over and over again between the two. The patient asks "What's wrong with me doc, what do these dreams mean?"
The doc looks him squarely in the eyes and says, "You're too tense."
Copied straight from the internet.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you later!
What did the football say to the punter?
"I get a kick out of you.
>> The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise
>> and credit for this painful but understandable story as told
>> by a loving wife........
Tom's scrotum The Best Story of the Year:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would
>> like to express praise for answered prayers.
>> stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
>> Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle
>> wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was
>> excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
>> congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must
>> have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the
>> children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible
>> pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
>> operation, and it turned out they were able to piece
>> together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap
>> wire around it to hold it in place."
>> men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably
>> as they imagined the horrible surgery Performed on Tom.
>> "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord,
>> Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with
>> time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men
>> sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively
>> asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and
>> walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith ." The
>> entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my
>> wife the word is sternum."
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
I won't be able to send you our new address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Once upon a time...
...there were three French cats in a boat. Their names were One, Two, and Three, but in French. One day, they were out sailing when their boat suddenely got a hole in it.
As a result, Une Duex Trois quatre cinq.
A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender turns around and says, 'What is this? Some kind of a joke?'
Do you know why cannibals won't eat divorced people?
They're too bitter...
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." the engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you. I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Three Irishmen walked out of a bar.
No, really. It could happen.
A masochist, an arsonist, a necrophiliac and zoophiliac are sitting on the sidewalk when a cat walks by.
The zoophiliac says "Man I'd like to do that cat"
The arsonist says "Man, I'd like to set that cat on fire and then do it"
The necrophiliac says "I'd love to do that cat when you two are done with it"
The masochist says "Meow"
As she is walking into a bar, a woman trips and her artificial eye goes flying out - a man sitting nearby reaches up and grabs it, gives it back to her. They introduce themselves and start talking, after a few drinks they go home together and have a wonderful night. In the morning he says, jokingly, "Gosh, I hope you're not this friendly with every guy you meet in the bar!" and she says, "No, no! I am really not that way! This is a first for me - You just really happened to catch my eye!"
Turkey sandwich walks into a bar.
Bartender says " Sorry buddy you cant stay".
"We don't serve food here"!
A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.
She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."
"What did you not understand ?"
And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"
I wanted to love and to be loved once... now I just want a car.
two guys walk into a cafe, pull out their sandwich boxes and start eat lunch......
"That is not allowed in here" screamed the irate owner of the cafe, you cant eat your own food in here.....
"So sorry, said one of the guys, he leaned over and swapped lunch boxes with his friends..... Better eat mine, he said"
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both stand a one in a million chance of becoming human.
A little old guy is walking around in a Walmart calling out, Crisco,
Soon a clerk approaches and says, 'Sir, Crisco is in aisle 3.'
The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere.'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'
The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're
out in public.'
'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'
I love jokes. I just can't think of one right now. But thanks for making me laugh today.
As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
3.. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.
4.. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.
5.. It's very, VERY important that these four women
do not know each other.
Jesus and Moses are out on the golf course. Moses steps up to the ball and shoots a hole in one. "What to you think of that?" he asks. "Not bad", says Jesus.
Jesus steps up to the ball, strikes it, it lands in the water hole, is caught by a fish who spits it into the air. The ball is then caught by an eagle who flies over the hole and drops it in for a hole in one. "What do you think of that," he says to Moses who replies, "Jesus, are you here to play golf or just to show off?"
not so much a joke, but here is a birthday card I enjoy sending to the kids in my family...
Announcement at the airport,
plane 777 just landed. Passengers will land a little bit later..."
Some career-related jokes:
Q. How do you know there's a bunch of viola players at your door?
A. Nobody can find the key. Nobody knows where to come in.
Q. What's the difference between a mezzo-soprano and a pit bull?
Q. What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
And a geeky science joke that one person might get:
Q. What's new?
After a rough landing, the stewardess announces to the passengers that the crew apologizes for the rough landing. The stewardess says, "It's not the plane's fault; it's not the pilot's fault; it's the asphalt."
These are great!
I had to ask a scientist friend to explain this, and he burst out laughing, remembering it from one of his classes years ago. Even though I couldn't understand it on my own, I laughed once I got it!
Since you have a geeky enough scientist friend, here's one for him:
A zoologist is renting an apartment, and as he is filling out the lease, he comes to the pet clause, where it says that any pets must be approved by the management. So he asks about all his pets: the fish, rodents, ferrets, and monkeys are all okayed by the management. Then, as he's about to sign the lease, he says, "Oh, wait! I forgot about my parrot!"
The manager shakes her head, and tells him that parrots aren't allowed, and the zoologist is astonished because every other one of his pets has been approved. He asks why, and the manager explains that he has skipped over a clause in the lease.
(If your scientist friend is not already laughing his head off by now, tell him that the clause that the zoologist missed is titled The Polly Exclusion Principle.)
I'm sure he will love it! He's actually a microbiologist (PhD candidate), so if you know any jokes about minute organisms, by all means pass them along. He is also something of a genius with puns.
On NPR one day I heard a program that focused on some science-comedians, and I didn't understand about 75% of their jokes - but the ones I did get were hilarious.
Truck driver on the highway sees a sign "Low Bridge" but he's going so fast he can't slow down to stop fast enough and gets stuck. Backs up traffic for miles and is radioing for help when a cop finally arrives. "Got stuck, huh?" says the cop. "Well, no," says the truckdriver, "I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas!"
Two young men are getting ready for a fishing trip. As they load the boat with their equipment, they notice a priest standing on the dock watching intently. After saying hello, the priest asks if he can come along to watch how they do it.
With a look of surprise, one of the guys asks the priest, "Why would you want to watch? Haven't you ever gone fishing?"
The priest sadly shakes his head no. "I've always wanted to learn but never could get time away from my duties."
The two fishermen agree to let the priest come along with them, even offering to teach him how to fish.
About an hour into the expedition, one of the fishermen feels a hard tug on his line. With a struggle he manages to reel it in, landing a huge fish.
"Wow!" he exclaims. "Look at that big son of a bitch!"
The priest frowns at the language and issues an admonishment. "My son, you should not use such language."
Embarassed, the two fishermen look at each other, but then one of them saves the day. "No, No!" he explains, "That's the name of the fish. It's a Son Of A Bitch."
The priest is mollified and gives his apology to the two young men. Several moments later, he feels a tug on his line. Plop! He reels in a bigger fish than the first one. "Look at that big Son Of A Bitch!" he crows. "It's bigger than yours!"
The two fishermen are feeling guilty about misleading the priest but don't know how to tell him the truth. They head back to the dock, where the priest gets out carrying his prize fish.
As he's walking toward the rectory, a nun rushes up to him. Before she can say anything, he proudly holds up his catch and says, "Look at this big Son Of A Bitch I just caught!"
The nun is shocked and wags a finger at the priest. "Oh, Father! You shouldn't be using that kind of language!"
The priest laughs at her outrage. "No, you misunderstand," he reassures her. "That's the name of the fish. It's called a Son Of A Bitch."
Relieved, the nun turns to head back the way she had come when she suddenly remembers why she was looking for the priest. "Father, you've got to hurry. The Bishop has arrived a day early, and there's nothing to prepare for dinner!"
The priest hands her the fish and tells her not to worry. She can prepare the fish for dinner.
The priest, the nun, and the Bishop are sitting round the table, bellies full from a good fish dinner. The Bishop rubs his belly and states what a delicious meal it had been.
Beaming with pride, the priest nods his head toward the remaining remnants of fish and says, "I caught that Son Of A Bitch!"
Not to be outdone, the nun smiles broadly before adding, "And I cooked that Son Of A Bitch!"
The Bishop looks from one to the other, eyebrows raised in thought. He slowly begins to nod his head in approval at them, then leans back in his chair and props a foot up on the edge of the table.
"Well," he says happily, "You f**kers are all right!"
This was told to me about 30 years ago by our parish priest. Hope it doesn't offend anyone. My apologies if it does.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
forgive me if I stole this one from someone in the forums - I forget where I got it
A man takes his blonde girlfriend who knows absolutely nothing about football to her first game - she watches seriously and smiles and cheers and they have a good time. So on the way home he asks "How did you like that, your first football game?"
and she says "Oh, I just loved watching those guys run around in their tight pants! But I have one question."
"Well, you know at the beginning the guy makes one player from each team come to the center of the field and he tosses a coin to see which team goes first? I got that part, but then later, what I don't understand is - all during the game there was this big guy behind us shouting 'get the quarter back, get the quarter back!' and I thought, 'geez! it's only a darn quarter!"
A man starts to enter a bar when a guy wearing a Genie outfit offers him one wish for anything he desires. With nothing to lose he says "Okay, I wish for a million bucks!"
Suddenly he is deluged with ducks falling from the sky, so he ducks into the bar and orders a double whiskey to calm his nerves. The man sitting on the bar stool beside him is also having a drink while watching a little man--about one foot tall--playing a tiny piano. Playing it very well, by the way.
"Did you see that guy in the Genie costume outside the door" he asked the man watching the little performer "I think he's kinda hard of hearing, I asked for a millions bucks and instead I got a million ducks"
"You're tellin' me" said the other guy "you didn't think I wished for a 12 inch pianist, did you?"
from Calvin & Hobbes..
“The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take milk for example. Why do we drink COW milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said. “I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze ‘em!”
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"
by tritrain6 years ago
Write your favorite jokes here.What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?Homeless.What do you call a fish with no eyes?A fssshhh.
by Joy566 years ago
I watched every minute of it, and loved it.... Some rights were wronged from previous mistakes, and it was indeed a fairytale day..... Two kisses aw i really enjoyed it, it was a true Handsome Prince, and...
by Matthew I Crawford6 years ago
Q: If a blonde and a brunette fall off a building at the exact same time, which one lands first?A: The brunette; the blonde had to stop to ask for directions.Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?A: She opens...
by Liz Elias6 years ago
Warning and Disclaimer:This joke is cute, but a little bit on the "off-color" side, although it contains not a single bad word, and nothing particularly graphic by way of description...it is only suggested and...
by Spacey Gracey4 years ago
I am having a bad day - I've been ill for a week, son #2 has now been ill for a month, husband came home yesterday full of despair at not getting promotion and much needed pay rise. So this morning I gave myself my...
by Laurel Rogers7 years ago
What kind of bees make milk?Boo-Bees...
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