Advice for Newlyweds
Many years ago, when I was a newlywed myself, I attended a bridal shower for a friend. One of the activities we had was to write down ten pieces of advice for the new bride, to help her in her new life. I was very young and inexperienced myself, but I managed to come up with a few ideas:
1. If you knock a 5-pound bag of sugar onto the floor, make sure you sweep it up instead of using a wet mop, otherwise your floor will become one huge post-it-note.
2. Cornmeal cannot be used as a substitute for powdered milk. I discovered this one day when I was eight. I was making a milkshake that turned out, er, gritty.
3. Yes, there's a HUGE difference between tablespoon and teaspoon.
4. If you want to passive-aggressively get back at someone who has wronged you, get them a long-haired dog that sheds. They will be on Prozac within six months.
5. When in doubt, throw it out. This gem I got from my mother. It is especially important in regards to buldging cans, fuzzy meat and expired milk.
6. Carob is a poor substitute for chocolate, no matter what those health-food so-called "experts" say. They do NOT taste the same.
7. Don't bother planting zucchini. As soon as Zucchini Season arrives, perfect strangers will be leaving bushelsful on your front porch. Oh! And, don't bother trying to make a "mock" apple pie with zucchini and apple juice. The deception will work unitl about the third bite, when your tastebuds will be overwhelmed with squash-mixed-with-cinnamon flavor. Not pretty.
8. Once you have kids, don't even try to wear white. I have friends who say bleach gets out everything, but I have found that I will get one wearing out of white and then something unbleachable will be permanently adhered to my left breast.
9. Law: your family will only want what you don't have. If you have a tiny jar of peanut butter, everyone will want peanut butter. As soon as you buy the 8-pound can to save money, no one will be able to look at peanut butter without gagging.
And last but not least:
10. Try to laugh every day. Don't sweat the small stuff. And don't forget to dance like a crazy person with your kids.
Hey, it's worked for me!
More by this Author
It was laundry day and I was buried under jeans, shirts, towels and sheets. If you have a big family, every day is laundry day and you eventually go through the motions like a robot. Stuff the clothes in the...
Anyone who has children knows the dismay you feel when you hear, "Mom! We need toilet paper"! I feel like I buy it all the time and the price just doesn't go down, does it? Well, all that toilet paper used...
I have a sock bag. It holds all the odd socks that are missing mates. I have this dillusion that someday I will actually find the mates to all these socks and the world will be balanced again. I think I'm up to...