Alternative Monthly Horoscopes, October, Free Horoscope

Horoscopes are fascinating, October monthly horoscopes can give an insight into your future, or are they just a way to give hope or encouragement to some people who may need a verbal "pick me up."

Either way, these monthly alternative horoscopes are slightly different to the the usual horoscopes you read in the media.

Aquarius 2015

The monthly astrological star sign depiction for Aquarius is that for the women or men dissatisfied with your drooping bodies, yes, go for it, have that surgery before you get to old and the plastic surgeon starts to charge by the wrinkle.

The sky at night suggests some kind of operation, no matter how minor or major, maybe it is plastic surgery, new boobs, or just removing the lard from around your big backside, or having a tummy tuck only to discover what really happened to the television remote control. my advice is to start the ball rolling and get it done.

For the rest of you Aquarians who are not thinly, elderly or droopy challenged, October is a month of love, and lots of it, for yourself. Forget the missus or the boyfriends, give yourself some pampering, get a bath for once, I mean a relaxing bath, put on some nice clothes, even if you have to borrow them, and take a stroll and feel the love from people walking by, see how many times a person of the opposite sex gives you the eye.

Advice for the month: Give yourself some love, that does not mean cheat on your partner, or spend some quality time in your bedroom alone ? ? ? Treat yourself to something for yourself, like new clothes, a spa day, new boobs, anything, as long as it is for you.

Pisces

Whilst I was looking at the stars on this particular night just for you, a movement happened, and all the stars seems to move around, so maybe you are planning to move house, which should make most of your neighbours happy, they can cancel the asbo request now.

For those of you who have considered moving abroad or just to a different area, maybe this might be the right time for you. If you own your house, maybe you could test the market by inviting an agent around and getting an idea on the price of your house.

Or if you are a tenant, are you planning a move to get out of paying the rent or are being evicted, or is the landlord a bit of donkey and you just want to get away from him, or are you moving away from a lover to another lover, or back to mums, or just even want to move, it's all about movement this month whichever your reason, maybe a move is just what you need.

Advice for the month: Move house or make a plan to move, it may be in your best interests, move away from that nagging woman or that lazy fat git of a boyfriend, begin afresh, it's your miserable life, change it.



Aries

Quick, close your legs or do up those zippers, a pregnancy may be on the way, if you don't want another illegitimate backdoor sprog, keep your pecker in your pants or for the women get a cast iron chastity belt. Be even more careful if you have twins in your family, double trouble.

According to the night sky above my house, you will have a bouncy month, usually with some one else either on top or underneath you, either way it should be quite a fun month, knackering, but fun. If you have not got that sexual partner you desire, go and get them, get off your lard like ass and find them, they won't come to you most of the time, they do deliver brides from Taiwan though, in case you are sad, mad or totally insane.

Finding that partner is never easy, and the more you stay at home, cooped up in work or with the wrong guy, and you know that I am talking about you, the less likely you are to find him and you will end up on the shelf, sad, lonely and the company of cats being your only friends. So, if you don't want to be a sad old lonely cat minder, get up and get out there.

Advice for the month. 60% of the worlds children are accidents, don't you make it 61%. If you need a partner, get out and grab one, there are loads out there looking for a meaningful relationship, even more just for sexual gratification.



Taurus

For you tough Taurus people out there, this month could be a soppy month of love. I was looking at the neighbour with my telescope, sorry, I mean the sky, and it was suddenly hazy with a red soft mist, possibly from the local pig farm, but I am sure it meant love. You will be giving your love so much this month, possibly in ways you never knew you could, and maybe to your partner, then again, maybe not.

Cheating is also on your cards this month, your star sign if full of love and cheating, maybe you love a cheating partner, or you are the mistress or even the bit on the side and really love someone who will not leave their partner. Maybe you have been eyeing up the local shopkeeper, but have a partner already, it's all maybes. It is up to you what you do about it, it is your life and you will have to live with any consequences of your actions. Is it worth it? But for the love side, it can be very fulfilling and romantic.

Advice for the month: Do not start an affair, you will get caught, and it won't be pretty. Don't risk a good or ok relationship for just a quick legover. For starting a love relationship, you have got the green light, go for it.



Gemini

Are you feeling sorry for yourself ? Does the rest of the world appear to be getting to you ? Well tough, no one really cares, nobody likes to talk to a moaner or whinger, when you meet somebody, do you like it when they constantly moan about their own lives, no, people want to hear good things, not how bad another persons life is going now, we all have our own cross to bear, so get your head out of your ass and get on with the positive side of your own life you miserable git.

You ever heard the expression "money goes to money" well here is another one for you, "positiveness can breed happiness" Be happier, and other people around you will be happier with you, and maybe some of this goodness will rub off on them or more come back to you. Listen, it is your life, yours, nobody else's, you live it how you want to live, if you want to be miserable, that is up to you, but don't infect the rest of us.

Advice for the month: Stop being a miserable moaning moose and get your act together, if you are reading this then you are already ahead of over 2000 other people who went to bed last night and will never wake up again, you are already ahead of the 100 people who will be killed today by road accidents, or of the babies born will life threatening injuries, so move your ass, get positive.



Cancer

There was something wrong with the horoscope for Cancerians when I looked at the night sky, there was an entwining of two main stars in one constellation, what ever that means, but for the more sexually active people out there be careful. There was a hint of a warning about either a baby or a STD ( Sexually Transmitted Disease ) and for a crab to have crabs, that is ridiculous, so be warned, unless you want a baby, then that could be totally different.

For the rest of you, it is going to be month of "getting on with things" mundane things that need to be done, building your foundation for a better month next month, without doing your work and setting a good and solid foundation, everything else could tumble down, so even though it may seem useless or futile to do something, do it anyway, it can only make it better or easier later.

Advice for the month: When having recreational activities with another person in the bedroom, in the car or shopping mall, wear a life saving piece of plastic or make him wear one, wear two if it makes you feel comfortable, or even if you are male, wear the nobly ones inside out and be selfish. Just be careful.

Leo

Leo the Lion, the element of fire with a fiery nature and a heart of solid mud, that's right mud. You appear not to of done things in your usual caring manner and have let family matters slip, yes family can be a right royal pain in the proverbial ass, and you cannot really choose your family, but they are yours, and they need your attention and time, even just for you to sit with them for a little while, just to have a chat. If you have an older relative, give them a phone call, it may not mean much to you, but to them, it may mean the world.

If a child needs more attention, put down the video game or keyboard for a while, do something with them, the smile and happiness that it brings will be much better rewarding for all of you. Your mum, dad, sister brother, daughter son or even your illegitimate backdoor sprog, do you pay them enough attention ? could you put a bit more effort into making one of their lives a lot more pleasant? You are only visiting the planet, so why not make the effort with family.

Advice for the month: Take a bit more time for the family, buy the missus some flowers, make your husband a lovely meal and run HIM a bath, ring up mum and just say you love her, even though she interferes with your marriage a bit to much, say sorry to dad for braking his tools many years ago and take him out for a pint. Family matters this month.



Virgo

Your element is supposedly Earth, meaning stability and the capability to rationalize and be practical, so what happened ?? Where did some of you go so wrong ? Yes, it is difficult at the moment with everything that is going on around the world, especially financially, but so what, the Earth did not stop rotating, so why did you ? You cannot give up, you are the one sign of the zodiac that does not give up. You are strong in spirit and possibly a lot more. So be all you can be, if everything is getting on top of you, do one thing at a time, try a different angle, get out there and show the world who you really are, take things into your own hands, whatever mess you are in, or whatever you are planning on doing, do it, but do it your way, with your own style, then you are not at fault. Everybody's loves a trier, not a quitter. Which one are you ???

Advice for the month: Try, for the love of god, try. Get yourself motivated, sort out the porblems, you can do it, you know you can.

Libra

There is an old story, where a king had a dream, and in this dream there were seven fat cows and seven thin cows, the seven thin cows, ate the seven fat cows, and this meant that there were to be seven years of good times, followed by seven years of bad times. This became apparent to me for your monthly horoscope from the stars above my house, your time are going to get better or lucky, but only for a while. If you take on the good times, do not be fooled into thinking that they will last forever. If you take precautions like putting money aside for later, this may help you avoid something unexpected in the next year. If you are making a bit of extra cash by whatever means, put nearly 40% away in an account and forget about it, keep adding to it, don't be a donkey and book your self an extra holiday. Keep hold of the money, there may be a financial outlay which you have not expected within the next year which is going to cost a few thousand pounds.

Advice for the month: Save, it is an old story, but for you this month, and for the next few, try and not spend as much, put some away, trust me, you are going to need it.

Scorpio

Hey you are sexy, and you know it. There are four star signs this month which seem to lean towards having babies, and maybe twins at that, so unless you are planning to have little sprogs, be careful. Winter is coming and the chance to snuggle up to your partner and keep warm under the covers is very tempting, but for men, keep it in your pants. If you are gay there is a distinct possibility of finding a new partner, even if it is only for Christmas. If you seeking a longer term relationship, then don't bother in October, it will fizzle out shortly, October is not a good month for lovers, unless just just want a fling. So do something for yourself instead, keep earning some money, it does take time to build up, but don't quit. Seek friends, not relationships, invite an old friend out for a drink, catch up with the latest gossip from mates.

Advice for the month: Keep your legs crossed or your flies done up. Try and not get involved with anybody just yet, you don't want to end up with a bunny boiler.

Sagittarius

Stop it, she is to young for you, there are many Sagittarian males at the moment who have been eying somebody else up, but they are to young for you, and your missus would not like it, so stop it, it will all come to no good anyway, act you age. For the lonely females though, things may be on the up, put on some slap and take a bit of pride in yourself, this month may be a good one for the matters of the heart for you, that certain someone might have his eye on you, you just need to open up his eyes that little bit more, not to much, don't make your self easy or look to cheap. For the blissfully happy Sagittarians, there is also apparently good news, things just seem to get better or nicer, little problems fade away and catastrophe's are avoided, giving way to the build up of the Christmas period, where you, and only you, can make an excellent end to a somewhat dreary year.

Advice for the month:  Leave the girls alone, you really are becoming an old git. For the females, become eye candy for the man you want, he does have a sweet tooth, and for all of you, begin Christmas preparations

Capricorn

Money, Money Money, its all about the money, or the lack of it really. Christmas is coming and already you are beginning to budget, not plan on spending, but plan on budgeting, which is a good idea, but do a bit more. Plan into your budget something which will come back with a profit. You and your partner should come up with a plan that the gifts you buy each other or a gift between both of you, for both of you, should somehow bring in some revenue for next year. It's not that hard to think of. If it were a new computer, then you could write on the internet, it is easy, and you could earn money every month, for the rest of your life, even after you have stopped writing. It is a good way to earn extra cash, and if you are stuck on how to, leave your email address in the comment box below and I will give you the link for you to begin, and it costs nothing. But for Christmas, don't blow everything on gifts, keep a bit back for yourselves.

Advice for the month: Don't blow everything on gifts for others. Invest in yourself, you are already a gift to others, make them see their gift is growing into something spectacular, it may take time, but Rome was not built in a day, neither was New York, but no one ever says that.

Messages From Beyond:

H.     God your getting fat.

D.    You were not my only wife

MK.  You burried the wrong body idiot !!! 

Disclaimer

Astrology eludes me, I know nothing of the occult or fortune telling, I have no qualifications in science, astrological star signs or knowledge of them or Mystic Meg. I gaze upon the stars and say how I see it.

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Comments 4 comments

bom 2 years ago

I really couldn't afford to pay $80 for my second transit guide of jenna


M for short 5 years ago

Bloody hilarious!


billericky profile image

billericky 6 years ago from Manchester Author

Thanks Kenny, I like sometimes to be different, just ask my missus


kennynext profile image

kennynext 6 years ago from Everywhere

Very good. This rivals any newspaper horoscope.

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