Daily Weird #26 No Farting Allowed

Who did that?

If the lawmakers in Malawi, Africa have their way, a new bill may soon be passed; a “public decency” law regarding certain human emissions. A law that states, in fairly uncertain terms, that citizens may not fart in public.

This is what happens when you become a civilized nation. I believe the definition of a civilized nation is one in which no farting is allowed. Not just after 6p.m. or on Sundays, but ever. There are going to be, of course, some instances of spontaneous combustion, but that’s to be expected. It’s the price one pays to have a civilized country. One must be thoughtful of the good of many.

With this in mind, the next question is, of course, are they going to be changing what is served in restaurants? Will bean burritos be no longer available, or will they just come with an after-dinner plug?

If you do end up breaking wind, and the law, how will they track you down? Is it the “He who smelt it dealt it” rule? Perhaps it’s “The smeller’s the feller” rule. Either way, I think it’s safe to say that you don’t want to sniff in public.

This being said, what happens when the guy in front of you in an elevator breaks the law in a BIG way? What if he lets out a “silent but deadly” emission of gas, and it floats over to you, and glides up your nose, wraps itself around your olfactory senses, and squeezes. What’s the protocol? You can’t say, “OMG That stinks!” you can’t yell “Let me out! Let me out!” you can’t even wrinkle your nose. If you do, you know what comes next.

“He smelt it, he dealt it! Call the cops and break out the handcuffs!”

That’s right, you could go to jail for being in the wrong smell area at the wrong time. How can you avoid this?

First of all, know who your friends are. Are they people who thrive on Mexican food? Do they gulp down soda or beer? Are they vegetable eaters? Are they just plain naturally gassy? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, drop them like a hot potato. Make new, ungassy friends.

The second thing to consider is who you are. Are you prone to cutting the cheese in odd places? Have you ever experienced the walking farts? Do you find that the late night taco restaurants call to you? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, make sure you have friends that fit the description in the first paragraph, and then keep your nose plugged at all times. This raises the likelihood of them smelling your gas before you do, causing them to fall into “The smeller’s the feller” category and saving your butt. You will need plenty of these patsies… er friends. Most likely, they won’t even realize they weren’t the one who farted.

Malawi officials believe it will not be difficult to bring culprits of this “public decency” law to justice. I’m just wondering what they’re going to do on court dates with a courthouse full of potential criminal farters. What if there’s a revolt? With that much potential gas in one place, it could get ugly… and a little stinky. Maybe the lawmakers of Malawi should rethink this one.

 

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Comments 55 comments

Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 5 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

Don't worry,I don't think this law will last too long,for it will be politition's full of hot air who will be the main offenders.;)


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

There's money to be made here! Visualize cops armed with hand-held methane detectors (that you invented and market!) that can spot an offensive offender up to a mile away!

Or even finer units in patrol cars that can not only detect, but classify emissions on a offensive scale of 1 to 10!

The possibilities!


Fiddleman profile image

Fiddleman 5 years ago from Zirconia, North Carolina

Funny. First smeller is the guilty feller.


Verily Prime profile image

Verily Prime 5 years ago from New York

I supposed no diet with beans or similar food is prudent to eat in Malawi...


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

Always good to see an artist return to their favorite medium, I think you may have missed your calling, you would have made the world's most enthusiastic proctologist!

Botty Burps should never be the defining feature of civilization, not eating each other kinda handled that, but the idea of a courtroom full of criminal farters has a certain appeal, hard to be eloquent while wearing a gas mask...


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 5 years ago from Bishop, Ca

My daughter-in-law mentioned this yesterday, and all I want to know is, do the authorities have some sort of hand-held sensor to identify the offender? In an elevator it would be problematic to be certain.

"Everyone in the lift! Drop 'em and bend over!"


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

It will be hard at the start

To define who dealt the fart.

But regardless of the gender

Police will find the offender.


Tammy L profile image

Tammy L 5 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

It's like my dad always said, "I'd rather be a smart feller than a fart smeller."


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Metalist- I think you have a good point! If only we could bottle their gas....


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Will-I think you have a great little plan here. We could test it on cows if PETA doesn't give us too hard a time. I take it the detectors will come equipped with nose plugs.. please.


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 5 years ago from United States

I have heard that saying your father uses before. I don't know where you find this wild, crazy laws but they always make for an entertaining hub.


Pixienot 5 years ago

Well, darlin' I have never met anyone who farts! Oh dear, oh dear! (tongue in cheek)

I cannot imagine where you get all your ideas from, but I love it. Your work is entertaining and fun to read, and sometimes, too close to home.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Will- did I just smell something, or was that you?


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Verily Prime- I think Malawi may soon become the yogurt capital of the world!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- Botty Burps??? Well bless your little cotton socks, that's funny!!!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Lorlie- THAT is an amazingly disturbing picture. I believe WillStarr has the monopoly on the detection device for the accused farters. I'm sure after considering what could happen, due to your excellent description, he will be happy to share (for a small fee).


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Drbj- how is it that you can add a touch of class to any subject... even gassy ones. Enjoyable poetry....


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Pamela- I have several different "weird news" sites, plus my husband will call me from time to time with "OMG, you so have to write about this" ideas. I like those the best! (The peeing game daily weird was one of the calls from my husband)

Thank you for holding your nose long enough to read my twisted hubs and even to comment!

You add a touch of class to my hubs- something they clearly need. :O)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Pixienot- I, too, have never met anyone who farts. Yes, that's right. All of my friends are fartless, boring pompous asses full of hot air. Gaseous little pukes to be sure.

I, however, let 'er rip as often as possible, just like my parents taught me.

Love you, mom. :O)


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest

I'd like to have a no farting policy in my own house- if I had it my way. I hate it! I guess I'll have to move to Malawi Africa. Great and funny hub!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Thank you, Izetti.

In our house, though, I'm afraid we'd all be hauled off to jail. I have to admit that we do, at times have contests. The dogs usually win!


Multiman 5 years ago

Too many politicians farting around.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Multiman- Thanks for stopping by and commenting! Thank you, also, for the follow!

I'm going to assume you're commenting from inside an elevator in Washington D.C.

Get out while you can!!!


speedbird profile image

speedbird 5 years ago from Nairobi, Kenya

I find this is to be really funny. Malawi are one step ahead in the 'public decency' arena.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Speedbird- The people of Malawi are quite civilized aren't they? I wouldn't mind being so civilized except for the fact that it would become increasingly boring. After a time, to alleviate the boredom, I'm sure I would break down and do something that would land me in jail!

Thank you so much for stopping by, and for commenting so I can tell that you stopped by. It really is nice to see who my visitors are! I'm going to take a little hop over to your place now and look around!! :)


ltfawkes profile image

ltfawkes 5 years ago from NE Ohio

It makes you wonder just how bad the problem is in Malawi that they have to pass a law . . . not really a great help if they're trying to boost tourism.

Funny hub, Sue. Thanks.

L.T.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Itfawkes- now there's something to ponder! How much gas can be passed in civilized society before the people revolt and pass a no-gas-passing law? Great question!

Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving the thought provoking comment! I guess I'll just take a look at your hubs too.:)


Shondralynn profile image

Shondralynn 5 years ago

Great Hub. I was just reading the comments, and I also have to wonder how in the world this "problem" gained enough attention to merit a law being passed. Was there some explosive moment that led up to it?


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Shondralynn- thank you for reading, and adding your insightful comment. I believe we are getting closer to the cause... yes, an "explosive moment", that sounds plausible. More and more people cutting the cheese until one day in a rare coordinated movement of wind blowing the emissions collided with one another and BAM!

New law.


paxwill profile image

paxwill 5 years ago from France

You mention using the "whoever smelt it dealt it" rule to establish culpability, but what about the sometimes conflicting "whoever denied it supplied it" rule? Or the "whoever overlooked it cooked it" standard? This is real Law and Order fodder here...


stricktlydating profile image

stricktlydating 5 years ago from Australia

Ha ha, that's so funny and I love reading some of the comments you have received on this Hub just as much as I did reading it!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Paxwill- I cannot begin to express my gratefulness for your knowledge of emission laws. I was not aware of the two laws you mention, but I can guarantee that I will find a way to use them sometime in the future! I can see the conflict in the present for the people of Malawi should these laws come to light.

I think a sit-com could be made of people going to court to fight the farting charges! Probably not Law and Order though, perhaps..Law and Odor.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Stricklydating- I have been very lucky in that the hubbers that come and comment on my hubs are some of the funniest people in hubland! You should be sure to check them out if you haven't already!

Most of my hubs' comments are funnier than the hubs themselves! I like to go back and just read the comments from time to time when I need a laugh!


Ghaelach 5 years ago

Hi Sueroy333. This hub had me laughing for a long time, and i can remember a few people that used to do silent farts and walk to the other side of the bar standing there with a smile on their face and leave every one looking wondering who did it.

But how is the Government going to sort out the problem of dogs and cows not to mention lions and all the other wild animals. Are they going to give them all tickets or worse shot them??

Keep em coming (the hubs not the farts)

LOL Ghaelach


kayrod profile image

kayrod 5 years ago from Northridge, CA

The price of gas is definitely rising in more ways than one!!


dsmythe profile image

dsmythe 5 years ago

Hahahah is this for real? That is the most ridiculous law ever made! There is no way you can police someone farting. "What are you in for?" "I ripped a fart in an elevator."


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Ghaelach- I believe they give the animals a pass, which is why, in the future, should you ever travel to Malawi, you may want to bring a goat, or cow with you. Dogs may toot and run off leaving you to face the music!

I'm only passing on this valuable advice because you were nice enough to stop by and comment!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Kayrod- Thanks for stopping by and leaving your astute observation.

I believe this is a cry for help in finding new sources of energy... or developing gas-less beans, I'm not sure which.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

dsmythe- I'm so sorry to say that this is, indeed for real. You have no idea how excellent these "expert fart catchers" are at their job.

For instance, I was traveling last week, and while I tried to blame it on others, and then deny it was a smell all together, they just called me a "blow-hard" and snapped on the cuffs.

I'm currently writing from a smelly cell in Malawi. By the way, the other inmates give you no respect for doing time due to passing gas. If you ever get caught, tell them you blew someone away, things will go easier for you!


RichERich1175 profile image

RichERich1175 5 years ago

I was literally falling out of my chair @ 2 am reading your blog!! All that I can say is...I am definitely not going to Malawi anytime soon...do you get my drift, take whiff?!?!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

RichERich- I'm glad these aren't smell-equipped computers! LOL!


cceerpp profile image

cceerpp 5 years ago from Ghana

This is FUNNY and very interesting too. Hmm... Did someone just fart? :)

Godwin


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Cceerpp- Thanks, and er um, sorry about that! Whew.. you may want to leave the room!


arb profile image

arb 5 years ago from oregon

Hi sueroy! Glad I ran across this. Saw a recent picture of malawi's in a national geo. magazine. They all had air fresheners dangling from thier thongs and little battery powered fans strapped to their cabooses! Couldn't figure out what was going on till I read this.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Arb- First of all, you are so kind to have taken the time to read through this many of my hubs! Thank you!

Secondly- I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate the visual. I have been wondering what it was like there in Malawi, now I know.

I will carry the picture in my mind of Malawians with fans strapped to their butts (ehem, sorry, cabooses) all day! :O)


char4u.com profile image

char4u.com 5 years ago

Sounds interesting bill, I just can not help farting in public places, any better solution to solve it? But we don't have similiar ban in our city, that's a good news. Have fun with this humorous hub!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

Love the link, thank you,

Toot


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

char4u- thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment!!

I believe the people of Malawi need to revolt by being revolting. They should eat a lion's share of beans and fart as often and loudly as possible in every public place they can think of. When the stench becomes overwhelming and the jails over-full, perhaps the lawmakers will take a second look at making such a stupid law!!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- I love your hub!

You're welcome.

Tootie toot toot!!


Five One Cows profile image

Five One Cows 5 years ago from Moo Town

Great hub! I been following you now for a while, and we have something in common. When you get a chance, stop on by and check out my little hub story.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Five One Cows- Thanks for stopping by... I see we both used a no farting sign picture... I totally want one of those signs for my kitchen!!?!

I tried to read your hub, but I have a really, really, short attention span, so my mind keeps wandering. Maybe I'll try again. I can set my goal to a paragraph a day...???


Mercredi profile image

Mercredi 5 years ago

The Pro-Fart crowd may stage a revolt by having a free bean burrito day. Then the whole nation will erupt in chaos and confusion leading us create a no fly zone and having to send the troops in.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Mercredi- I'm thinking the pentagon could use someone like you. Awesome strategery.


ahostagesituation profile image

ahostagesituation 5 years ago

Hilarious! Silly Malawi. I think peristalsis and cellular metabolism should be outlawed too!!! I heart democracy.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

ahostagesituation- after doing much research on your suggestions I have discovered what those big words mean.. and I vote with you!

Thanks for the vocabulary lesson... I heart public schools that pass kids who have poor grammar and vocabulary skills....

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