Daily Weird #26 No Farting Allowed

If the lawmakers in Malawi, Africa have their way, a new bill may soon be passed; a “public decency” law regarding certain human emissions. A law that states, in fairly uncertain terms, that citizens may not fart in public.

This is what happens when you become a civilized nation. I believe the definition of a civilized nation is one in which no farting is allowed. Not just after 6p.m. or on Sundays, but ever. There are going to be, of course, some instances of spontaneous combustion, but that’s to be expected. It’s the price one pays to have a civilized country. One must be thoughtful of the good of many.

With this in mind, the next question is, of course, are they going to be changing what is served in restaurants? Will bean burritos be no longer available, or will they just come with an after-dinner plug?

If you do end up breaking wind, and the law, how will they track you down? Is it the “He who smelt it dealt it” rule? Perhaps it’s “The smeller’s the feller” rule. Either way, I think it’s safe to say that you don’t want to sniff in public.

This being said, what happens when the guy in front of you in an elevator breaks the law in a BIG way? What if he lets out a “silent but deadly” emission of gas, and it floats over to you, and glides up your nose, wraps itself around your olfactory senses, and squeezes. What’s the protocol? You can’t say, “OMG That stinks!” you can’t yell “Let me out! Let me out!” you can’t even wrinkle your nose. If you do, you know what comes next.

“He smelt it, he dealt it! Call the cops and break out the handcuffs!”

That’s right, you could go to jail for being in the wrong smell area at the wrong time. How can you avoid this?

First of all, know who your friends are. Are they people who thrive on Mexican food? Do they gulp down soda or beer? Are they vegetable eaters? Are they just plain naturally gassy? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, drop them like a hot potato. Make new, ungassy friends.

The second thing to consider is who you are. Are you prone to cutting the cheese in odd places? Have you ever experienced the walking farts? Do you find that the late night taco restaurants call to you? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, make sure you have friends that fit the description in the first paragraph, and then keep your nose plugged at all times. This raises the likelihood of them smelling your gas before you do, causing them to fall into “The smeller’s the feller” category and saving your butt. You will need plenty of these patsies… er friends. Most likely, they won’t even realize they weren’t the one who farted.

Malawi officials believe it will not be difficult to bring culprits of this “public decency” law to justice. I’m just wondering what they’re going to do on court dates with a courthouse full of potential criminal farters. What if there’s a revolt? With that much potential gas in one place, it could get ugly… and a little stinky. Maybe the lawmakers of Malawi should rethink this one.