Why Do I Push People Away? A Cautionary Tale and Tips On How To Stop This
Why Do We Push People Away? Learn From My Mistakes
Why do we push people away when it is an inherent desire to be wanted and loved? Some of us don’t even realize we are doing it until we look back on the parade of individuals—some good, some bad, walking through our past. It is a shockingly hurtful sight to some and they continue to add characters to their line but for me, on this day, it is a lesson I need to learn fast.
Is This Also You?
- Unnecessarily warning those ahead of time. I have always tried to be the honest type—I'm the kind of person who believes in giving a proper heads-up, just in case something unusual may happen. Unfortunately, this has often turned into a disaster of dramatic and semi-hysterical proportions that ends up driving love away from me. I forget to consider that I may be the only one who cares in certain situations and the "warning" may be viewed as just unnecessary and confusing baggage.
- Thinking you are less than deserving. I often have already decided that I am not worthy, and less than deserving of love. I deserve desertion, I tell myself. In trying to be nice and offering an explanation for my behavior, whether it was asked for or not, I set disappointment in motion because no one can measure up to my high expectations, so I don't voice my needs or expectations. So, naturally, when these un-voiced expectations aren't met, I'm hurt, angry, and beat myself up for getting into a rotten relationship or for trusting at all to begin with.
These are recipes for disaster. Don't beat yourself up or think that you're undeserving or too caring/nice. You deserve to be loved. Stop pushing people away! Read on for some of my own personal tips to help you achieve this with hopefully minimal anxiety and trauma.
Stop Pushing People Away: Tips to Avoid This Fate
1. Learn to Love Yourself
Seriously. Learn to love yourself. Make a list of the things other people do that annoy you. Add the things they do that you love. Now, stop and think about the things you do that others love and hate. Once you figure those things out, try to work on the behaviors that you could improve. Do this for yourself, first and foremost. Also, keep embracing the traits that you and others do love. Accept and believe them. Look in the mirror every morning and repeat the things about yourself that you and others love.
Avoid self-loathing at all costs. When someone says they like, love, respect, and enjoy you, accept it. Believe it. If you act like you don't deserve praise and love, then others will act this way and treat you like it. No one wants to invest time in a self-loather. You deserve love and good people deserve to be in your glorious presence! Let them in and believe the compliments they give you.
2. Don't Overthink
Don't overthink or overanalyze your situation—this will only create unnecessary anxiety and fear.
There are times when I want to hide away because I am lost in my own thoughts, over-analyzing my relationships. I often wonder why I was cursed with a mind that always thinks about "what ifs," goes overboard assuming others will reject me. In the meantime, all this unnecessary thinking only causes one to miss out on those with a real capacity for love.
I'm sure that I am not the only one that feels this way and writing this out does help clear it from my thoughts. My advice is to try to just "be" without worrying about how others perceive you, or how you may be affecting them. There is a good reason why I typically keep people at arm’s length and hide behind self-deprecating humor and sarcasm, but this isn't healthy and will only yield more isolation.
3. Think Positively
Stop waiting for people to disappoint you. Accept that some people will hurt you, but also, why not look at this way instead: many will not. That is life, but if you let fear keep you from trying to see the good in people then you will miss out on some real gems. Thinking negatively is only a waste of time. If something bad does happen, what good did all the negative thinking that lead to it really do? It'll hurt regardless. On a positive note, however, many situations don't turn out badly and that only makes all that negative brain-dialogue even more of a waste.
Stop the negative brain-dialogue about how nothing good will happen and how all people are the same. If you tell yourself that only losers will like you then it is the losers that will come your way. They can hear your negative thoughts and will descend upon you like thirsty vampires. Being with a negative soul-sucker is no fun. Positive, loving people worthy of trust are only attracted to other positive, loving people worthy of being trusted.
4. Live in the Present, Don't Regret
Live in the present and don't be too cautious. Stay true to yourself and give love, all fears aside.
I myself feel entirely too deeply and care too much about others too fast. So, in the end, I always feel as though what I give is never equal to what I receive. It's something that I view as a failing. But, why should I? I shouldn’t, and neither should you, if you gave what you wanted to give. In the end, someone will come along and he or she will appreciate you for exactly who you are. Look around and see others engaging in simple human interactions. By observing healthy relationships, you will see that it is possible to connect without worrying about small things or whether your personality is just too intense to handle. You and I both deserve happiness and can achieve it by being ourselves.
5. Believe That You Are Worth It
This last one will be short and sweet: act attractive and you will attract positive people. You are worthy of love and you have to believe this first before anyone else does. Once you do start believing it, though, others will follow.
So, smile, damn you. Smile!
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