Rats (For Edgar)


It’s the chittering inside that bothers me, that and the gnawing…
It’s the rats, it’s the rats! Oh God, it’s the rats, it’s not me it’s the rats.
If it wasn’t for them I’d be fine.
Just fine, thank you, and how are you?

I’m fine, very fine, how can I help you?
Just one moment while I have some cheese.
We all have to eat, you know, ha, ha, ha.
Did I sound robust enough for you?

Where were we? Oh yes, your problems
Fascinating, yes fascinating…
What! I seem distracted?
Well, it’s the rats, you see, I have a bit of a vermin issue.

Extermination, oh yes, I’ve tried.
Poison, traps, suffocation, starvation.
I’ve ignored them too, thinking maybe they’ll leave.
They haven’t though. Do you hear them?

No? Good. Neither do I. Ha, ha, ha.
Humour is important you know-it makes you healthy.
Try it with me. Try laughing more.
Don’t get up! No need to go. Where were we?

Yes, problems. Yours. Serious. I know.
You’re in pain. You ache. It’s black, rot black.
Like a tooth, like a corpse, like a rat.
I meant a bat, yes, a bat! Many are black.

Are we done? Are you better?
Will I see you again?
Same time next week? Good. Great!
Bring cheese.

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