Held By A Leash Of Insanity



First let me start off saying how did I start using drugs? Well I started using drugs after my daughter was born. My ex as you know was a drug and sex addict. There was no limitations as too what he would do with woman and sex. There was no way I was measuring up to all the girls he was being with while I was the innocent sweet girl in love. I had competition and I had to fight for my man. No one, no way, no how, was one of these tweeker brauds gonna take him from me.

I figured okay he wanted a girl to do whatever he wanted for him. Well that is just what I did. I asked him one day not to go out and to stay home with me and I would role play with him but he had to pass the pipe over. So he was curious and wanted to see how I would react under the influence now I didn’t know what to expect he just told me that it would boost my sexual status. I didn’t know what to expect so he flicked the lighter on and told me how to hold it. he told me when I would see the bowl smoke up to inhale till I couldn't anymore. So that’s exactly what I did. My first high boy did I enjoy every second of it. I had the one I loved with me and I wasn’t going to lose him. I was going to do just what he asked me.

He enjoyed having me get high with him because he didn’t have to go out as much and find a female to pleasure him that way anymore. But when he did it was way worse then what he had me do. I cannot elaborate too much without getting the hub flagged. The things he made other woman do for the drug and sexual pleasure was unbearable to think of. A simple degrading of the lowest. I couldn’t imagine doing sexual favors for a man that was not rightfully mine. I mean we all have our secrets and skeletal but I cannot even express the filth he was lying next to at times.

The getting high became a weekend routine. We would get high every weekend once night fell Friday night we where off and running to our next fix. Can you imagine a couple that worked hard during the week and had a home and a family to look after and had pretty successful jobs doing this and functioning? Would that be addiction or disease? Any how my kids would be dropped off with my mom or with a baby sitter on the weekend s and we would do our thing.

When we got high together we didn’t fight until the next day when all the fun of sex, porn, and sexual role playing was over. The come down as they call it. He would have psychitzophrenic experiences and hallucinate royally. That’s when the accusations of me cheating and the weird things began to happen. He would take black lights to my body and undress me to the nude and lay me down like a corps and take the black light over my body to see if I had been tampered with. I would have to sit and not move otherwise he would assume I was hiding something. I cried because he didn’t trust me but I loved him so I did what I was told. He would inspect every inch of my clothing and sniff them to see if I had any irregular odors. He would sit for hours and humiliate me and the abuse started to rise more than before.

At times I found myself in the bathroom tub holding a knife to my wrists wanting to end all, crying my lonely tears. I was so alone dealing with the craving of getting high working kids and a psycho ex husband was driving me crazy. The more I fell in the pits of hell the more I fell in love with him. How did that work I ask myself how now and I cannot find the reasoning behind it but that I was madly in love with him. It wasn’t fun anymore I was drowning in sorrow all because I wanted him to love me like he should of. I stood maybe because I was mentally ill and addicted to him.

Comments 25 comments

Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 5 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

Intensely bad Bella,glad you've escaped into a light.;)

bbnix profile image

bbnix 5 years ago from Southern California

It takes incredible strength, my dear friend, to write about your deepest pain and humiliation. Just know you're helping those similarily struggling and us with your strength and resolve. You're amazing and I consider myself incredibly lucky for you to consider me your dear friend...

Keep writing...keep amazing us...keep defining incredible strength...

much luv,


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

My mind is blown. I've known emotional, mental and economic abuse, but, Bella - this just horrifies me. And it is crystal clear that you were trying to make it work the only way you saw clear to do it. You were caught up in that.

I am so glad to see that this monster is you EX! My very best to you and hope that you NEVER EVER get into such a position again. Love is not being abused like that. Real love CARES - like you felt for him, but in a really good way for both of you and the relationship. It does NOT humiliate you or ask you to do things contrary to your best interest, even if your own hope is to make it better. That is the ultimate of USING you and abusing you, not love in the slightest.

Thank you for your courage, my dear. Leave it behind and move into being all of who you REALLY are. You need it and your children need you to be. Writing helps, doesn't it?

fatuisred profile image

fatuisred 5 years ago from Location is somewhere over the rainbow in Newark,N.J.

You must first love yourself and to understand that you must be their for yourself and your children.Do not stop writing ,let the pen and your children be your love.looking for more of your writing.Fatu

blaise25 profile image

blaise25 5 years ago from close to you...

They say one effective way to get over something or someone is writing about it. This is so real and thanks so much for sharing this. Love is addicting. Sometimes we lose ourselves totally. I wish the boy did love you..At least he's worth fighting for and worth addicted to. I'm happy to know you're done with that rocky mountain.

All the best,


SubRon7 profile image

SubRon7 5 years ago from eastern North Dakota

Thank you for sharing your life, Bella, and know that getting this out to those of us who care about you will be a form of therapy. Keep going, kid, and know that time will pass and these memories will eventually fade...a bit...and the sun will keep shining. Now focus on what makes you happy, and continue sharing.... Great profile pic!

sassyk73 profile image

sassyk73 5 years ago from Milwaukee, WI

Bella thank you for sharing. You are a very strong woman. I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years. It's hard to get away because we feel that they will change, we can change them or we can change ourselves for them. We loose our self worth and humiliate ourselves. I was addicted to my ex. I saw myself killing myself a thousand times.

Sharing your story is going to reach and help someone. It has already helped me...because I know that I am not alone. Thank you.

Lauryallan profile image

Lauryallan 5 years ago

Bella your story is so heart wrenching. I hope you are in a better place now and you show how people get into bad situations just by wanting the love they deserve.

babasanju profile image

babasanju 5 years ago from India

I can't believe that there are such beasts and they are living among us. And then I don't understand how can anyone love such a psycho?

bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Acer, I know thats why I figure my writing is pure in emotion and I write to release and hopefully let go.

I didn't feel strength when writing I felt hopeless and afraid of what others might think of me. Writing something down that has held you captive for so long is very difficult and I was able to do it. I thank you Billy bear for thinking very highly of me. It is all welcomed with humility and humbleness.

Nellie, In reading it, it also frightened me to know to what extremes I pushed my love for him. The only love I acquired from a man was his so I felt it was the right kind but it wasn't I later on realized that. Writing has been my therapy for the past what hmmmmmm 22 years and I am barely understanding that now. I thank you for leaving the beautiful comment that you did it is very much appreciated. Thank you!!

Fatu, I loved him more than myself and in doing so I lost myself and I am barely finding myself after going on 2 years now of being seperated. It is the hardest thing I've had to learn but I am coming along Thank you for stopping by.

Blaise, Writing I can say I cherish. I wished at one point he did love me and appreciate me after all I gave him 3 beautiful children. The rawness makes it so real. Thank you for visiting this hub and leaving this special comment.

Sub, this haunts me and torments me but letting it go is so hard how can one forgive and forget after being put through all of this? I was afraid at first to share but I feel that sharing doesn't make me any less of a person its just helping me get past it. Thanks Jim for all the encouragement you have given me.

Sassy, Yes hope and faith I hang onto thinking he was going to change but in waiting around for that effect only changed me for the worse. I deal with it on a daily basis and each day I feel i am getting closer I was also in that relationship for almost 9 years. I have found a little bit of solitude at least for the time being. Thank you very much for sharing with me a bit of your experience.

Laury, Thankyou for stopping by, I have a better place and I am learing to live in it. It is very different and life ultering but I enjoy my peace. Thank you.

Baba, flesh eating beasts that pray on true love and find it enpowering to dominate the pure heart. at first he wasn't a psycho, He was very different but things took a turn and we all have flaws some more than others but I did not judge him for what he did and I am not making any sort of excuse I fell in love and it had no barriers. Thank you for stopping by I appreciate the visit.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

Damn Bella! No man should ever put you throught that. I understand about not wanting to lose him, and loving someone so much you would do ANYTHING for, but there are some things that if he loves you he wouldnt make you do or ask you to do, or do to you. Now about him not trusting you and crap, wow, what a hypocrite, when he was cheating on you all the time, with nasty druggie chicks. wow. this is the stuggling love guy you spoke of? I would never let this person back in my life, even if he had changed, you can forgive him and move on, but I would never trust him or let him around my kids without supervision, or get close to him. He made his bed, now let him lie in it. You are better and stronger without him. Dont make the same mistakes twice. Learn from them the first time. This guy has always been bad news. anyone that hits you, thats not Love. anyone that can cheat on you, thats not love. not true love. and you need someone that truly loves you, and more than anything else. more than the drugs and the other women. more than himself. I am really sorry that you went through all that, and that you stooped to drugs, and battled addiction, it can be a hard thing to conquer, addiction...to drugs, addiction to love. I was addicted to love a couple of times, I was in a bad place because of it, because they never loved me back and lied to me constantly and cheated on me. But I wanted to stay, and I wanted to make things work, but you cant MAKe things work, when you are the only one putting in any effort, when you are the only one that wants it, and you cant force someone to love you, or to change, they have to do it for themselves. and if their heart just isnt in it, then you are just wasting youre time. I never did any drugs like that, but i did drink a lot to try and numb my feelings, to try and forget that I cared, but it only made things worse, as you know from my Poem "Lips of Poison" it doesnt numb or make you forget anything. the problems are still there. and I get sick from drinking too much, had am emotional breakdown in front of everyone including the guy I was trying to forget.(did this 2 times, different guys) I'll never forget them and how we were, and how I was happy. but it was all lies. I never want to put myself down for a man, or let him disrespect me or decieve me ever again. and dont ever let it happen to you again. You deserve so much better.

bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Nikki, Yes you are right. I do not desire to have him back in my life or choose to make a new life with him. He will always be the same pigish man I once knew now and then. I have been put through way to much and understand that I am worthy of being loved. True love is hard to find. Knowing that everyone is not perfect. I understand that maybe one day once I am healed or partially healed I will be blessed with a man that will love me truly and purely. I am sure of it. I am sorry you had to revert to alcohol to numb your pain as I numbed it as well with alcohol. Being that I do not have an addictive personality I was surely addicted to him. and boy did it suck. I thank you nikki for taking the time to point out factors and key points I appreciate your mind and soul. thanks again sunshine.


bbnix profile image

bbnix 5 years ago from Southern California

Yes Bella, I'm sure it was very difficult to write about such a horrific part of your life. Never be afraid of what you write.. a few of us here support you tooth and nail, no matter what you do...there is nothing you can EVER do to diminish how much we cherish and love you...!!!!!!

Much love to one of my very best friends, Erica....


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Awwwww, thanks billy bear. I appreciate that!!

always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

You're very strong Bella. Don't stop telling your story, when you're finished writing it, hopefully it will be just a bad memory, and you can move on. Best Wishes.


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Always, I hope so too It s time to lay it to rest and I am truly hinest about that. Thank you very much for reading. :)


writer20 profile image

writer20 5 years ago from Southern Nevada

I worked with a creep, he upset me everyday, thinking he was God in a pair of pants. That brought out a story from me about him and I made him the worse human being anyone could find. I put it on my hub and it was flagged, that tells you how bad I felt at that time.

I'm truly sorry you met a bad man like my character.

DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 5 years ago

Bella Your a survivor!You have taken the worst things in life imaginable and found a way to help many people.He should pay for what he has done and this will prevent him from hurting others.There is no place in this world for people who don't respect another persons rights.You have done a great job of dealing with your endless pain.You have beautiful children that can always be your inspiration.You have gone through so much and for you to rewrite it it causes more pain by reliving the experience all over again.Then in the end you can let it go.You have shown that even if you have made bad choices they in know way shape or form decide who you are.You have risen above all the abuse and found help.I can't thank you enough for sharing such a personal tradegy and something so horrible.I can only support your new choices and I am so convinced that you will never let that ever happen to you again.You are not at fault and you have to believe that.You have a wonderful life ahead of you and there are so many people that share in your excitement for a better and greater future.There are very close friends that I know that are in an abusive relationship and they have chosen to stay together for the children.I am sick to my stomach to know someone being affected daily by abuse and not willing to have the courage that you have to make the changes neccesary and go on with your life.I have tried to explain it doesn't have to be this way.They insist you don't know.They have convinced themselves there is no way out.Just live with it and accept it.So it hits home with me and I have no sympathy for those who harm or take advantage of others at their own personal gain.I just think they should be weeded out and removed from society.Life isn't that easy and it is not cut and dry,black and white.There are too many grey areas that cloud all the issues.Thanks for revealing so much so that we can understand what you went through.I wish you all the best in life and many more beautiful dreams that will make your life incredible as it should be.

bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Writer, I am sorry you had a bad experience with a creep like you described. there are lots of bad people men and woman which I pray that they have a change of heart. Thank you for the visit.

Dream, My only goal is to reach out and share my part of the story. Of course there are always two parts. But what I write is truth on the way I felt feel and experienced. I wouldn't consiider myself over the pain I am still struggling with it and it kind of still has a 50% bondage that I am working on trying to break free from. Only the help of god and love can heal my wounds. I know there are others in the same situation or possibly worse I pray that they come to senses and realize they are not bonded to that life style. When we are in it it is hard to get at because that is what we have lerned to adapt to. We get tangled and tethered to the abuse and it becomes very natural. We become afraid of what a new life might bring because what if we fail at it. It is easier to revert back to what we know then to do something new. Thank you for reading and leaving this beautiful comment you have.


Sharyn's Slant profile image

Sharyn's Slant 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

Hi Bella,

I have read your most recent hubs and wow, you sure have been through a lot. If you get a chance, please read my hub on Love Addiction. I can relate to so much of what you went through. I don't have the energy right now to write much more because I'm actually exhausted from reading all your eye opening pieces and it's making me think way too much right now. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself. Please, please take care of yourself always.


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Sharyn, A lot of personal story telling, My apologies for such vivid imagery. I will swing by and read your hub you mentioned. I am sorry that I made you think and clouded your thoughts. thank you for the comment.


Sharyn's Slant profile image

Sharyn's Slant 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

Oh Bella,

There is never a reason to apologize. Some of the things you write hit home for me and actually, that is a good thing. It helps me move on. I appreciate your openness because it makes me take a look at things that need changing in my life. I wish you the best.


bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Sharyn, I guess your right and it is too sad to hear of others experiences with the same issues I wish I could change the way things are but we grow from our experiences and with out them we wouldn't learn. Thank you for taking the time to reply.


Becky 5 years ago

Bella, You first need to understand that the only thing you did wrong was love a man that was not worth loving. If they make you do something to keep their love that you don't want to do, dump them. They are not worth it. I felt that I was not worthy of a good man's love for years. I finally broke free of that when I met my husband. He helped me see the truth and to find my way back to God, the ultimate healer.

No one is going to think badly of you for this because you were a victim and have broken free of him. Now it is time to forgive yourself for the things you have done which were not right. God forgave you if you asked and now you must.

Writing about it is one way for you to get it out and start on the healing path for your soul. Bless you for your strength and compassion for others. Now show yourself some. This story you have written shows that you have some more healing and forgiving to do. God bless you and give you strength and healing.

bellawritter23 profile image

bellawritter23 5 years ago from California Author

Becky, Loving him was wrong. Now I realize it. till this day when I see him or feel his presence around me the tension rises. I have never felt the love of a man my father left before I was born because he chose his lover over me (drugs) and well the next male in my life was my ex. So I struggle with that but I am a work in progress I still have my bad days and wonder why me but it is all a test and it shows me where I stand spiritually. I believe nothing is Coincidence it all happens for a reason and I believe i found my reason and that is to tell my life story and I found my gift of life. Thanks for stopping by!!


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