How to waste a perfectly good life; the step by step guide

Everyone else is doing it, so why not you too?

The best part about getting people to waste their lives is that since most people are already doing it, my target audience is very small, and I can easily focus my time and efforts on them.

On a daily basis, people are not living up to their potential, not pursuing their dreams, not making long term goals,and generally not giving any thought to their future or the outcome of their life.

I mean, who wants to leave a legacy anyway? Who wants to be remembered for their greatness and how they touched and changed lives? That takes too much work. Why spend time traveling and seeing the world when I'm perfectly comfortable and complacent punching the clock? A great life you say? Psshaaaw! You don't know what you're missing here in the matrix!

Trust me, you'll learn to love it here in the land of mediocrity. We'll get you a job with benefits, and you'll only have to work for like 45-55 years. How about some digital cable! With Tivo! You can watch the travel channel, it's less hassle than the real thing anyway. And don't read BOOKS! Just stay home and watch some TV. We have all kinds of shows to make you feel better about yourself and distract you from your reality. You deserve it after being at that dead end job all day, working for someone else's dream. Just relax..... now isn't this great?

Okay so here's how you get here. Write this down, I'm giving you the directions:

Step one: Set yourself up for failure

Do not seek counsel from successful people. You might end up like them. Only get your information from people who are not successful in life and who do not have what you want in life. Do not even associate with those reject misfits who want "more" out of life. Surround yourself with others who also have no direction, no ambition. Your misery depends on it.

I would highly recommend you taking advice only from those not qualified to give it, i.e. taking career advice from friends who still live with their mothers, or financial advice from someone who takes on equity loans to buy cars and pay for vacations. These people obviously have the best practices, and their advice is usually free and abundant, so take advantage. Either listen to everybody, or listen to nobody. This will truly get you nowhere in life, which is exactly where you want to be. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to think for yourself!

You see how much easier it is to be lazy and live a life of mediocrity? No contest!! Simply keep doing what you're already doing! No effort required! Man, this is easy!

Step two: Abandon all hope

Do not focus on any goals or dreams. Conform to the idea of, "This is how it's always been. This is all there is..." Forget about your ambitions, discard all belief. This will only serve to distract you from the daily grind of your humdrum life. People might start looking at you funny, and your parents definitely won't approve! Just go to school, get a good education, a good job with benefits, and work for the rest of your life like everyone else. Easy does it. No need to rock the boat, might cause waves.

See, the problem with dreams is that you might fail. And you're afraid of failure, remember? Better to dream small and get it, than to dream BIG and almost get it, I always say. Besides, think of all the hard work it takes to succeed. Sure, you always learn from your mistakes, and success is always worth it, but who wants the responsibility of success? Not me. I'd rather just worry all the time about the things that might happen, about what might go wrong. It's sooo much easier to just sit on my rear and watch Tv, and see other successful people live out their dreams.

Step three: Put priority on things with short term value

Do not invest in your long term vision. Forget about what you want out of life. Only focus on the here and now. Work all year so you can afford a two week vacation. Or better yet, put it on your credit card! I mean who needs financial freedom? What would you do with all that time? You might get bored. Early retirement? Are you kidding me? Like that's possible. Besides, this is what everyone else is doing, and they're just fine, aren't they?

Don't worry about taking action now to be secure for the future. I'm sure if it was meant to happen, it will. So there's nothing else you can do about it. Duh! Besides, you need that 52' flat screen LCD TV. You need some nice rims on your old, beat up car. You need another pair of shoes. You need more clothes! And you need all these things right now!! Just charge it! They wouldn't give you that credit card if you didn't deserve this stuff! So put your dreams on hold, and your needs on credit. Now, that's what I'm talkin' about! Now your wasting life like the pros! Let's go watch some reality TV, or better yet some Jerry Springer! Hey, at least your not like them. Those guys are really messed up. Yup, you can always rely on some Springer action to make you feel better about yourself and your situation.

Step four: Forget about passion

Do not do the things you love.This might lead to hope, or even worse, happiness. If you're happy, you might smile. And remember, it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, and you could use the exercise, what with all that sitting in front of the TV. Being passionate about something could have a negative impact on your work schedule. You don't want to interrupt your daily routine of: Wake up. Get ready. Go to work. Come home. Watch TV. Go to bed. Repeat.

Besides, you wouldn't want to stand out from the crowd. Remember, people might look at you funny. Doing something you're passionate about might cause you to care about people, or animals, or music, the environment, or human rights! Ughh! I can smell the responsibility already! Accountability like that always leads to commitment, which leads to results, which leads to trust. And you know what happens when people start trusting you. That's right, they start depending on you. They know they can count on you, so they come to you for guidance and all that mumbo jumbo. No thank you! I'll have none of that "making a difference" happening here!

My tombstone will read, verbatim : "here lies someone. He lived. He died." The more lives you touch, the more people that might be sad to see you go. And who want's that? It's much better if people never even notice you. That's why we're here, aren't we? Simply to take up space and then die? Makes sense to me...

Step five: Give in to the status quo

Do not strive for more out of life. Better to just lay down and die. We already picked out your epitaph, remember? Never get your hopes up. You might be let down. And who wants to be disappointed? At least life as a Lemming has security right? Doesn't it? At least no one ever disappoints you at work, do they? I mean, your company has your best interest in mind, don't they? And I'm sure your kids are happy that you're gone all the time. They don't need you at home to teach them about life. What if they developed hope or ambition? What happens if they want more out of life? Shudder at the thought!

The last thing you want is for your kids to interrupt this cycle of perpetual, ignorant bliss. Talk about some major damage control. I mean, what would the neighbors think!? So just lead by example and do nothing in life, and I'm sure your children will follow in suit. Everything will be just fine. We've got a nice little corner cubicle ready and waiting for them, and a school curriculum that will teach them just how to get here. Just make sure they don't start hanging with the wrong crowds. Heaven forbid they should fall under the influence of someone who is involved in leadership! Those guys are the absolute worst! Leaders are dealers in hope! Can you believe that? Giving hope to a perfectly content Lemming? The audacity!

But don't you fret. I'm sure if we get to our children early on, we can evade those pesky "leaders" and their positive ways. Just be diligent. Tell your children to spend years and years studying hard to be something they hate. Make sure they only do it because you wanted it, only because it pays well, or has good benefits. Squelch any attempts they may make at doing something they love. Do not, under any circumstances, let them follow a dream, or their own passions! We have got to act now people! Make your children watch MTV, it's the only way! Buy them an Xbox or a Playstation 3. Block out the History channel, Discovery channel, TLC, and Animal Planet. The information these provide could potentially be detrimental to their hopeless futures! And speaking of potential, make sure your children's is never realized. Keep reading to a minimum, only for school. Can you imagine if they got a hold of a book like "The Magic Of Thinking Big"? Or if they read hubs such as this or even this??

Never ask questions

The best way to waste a perfectly good life is to never ask questions. Simply follow directions and orders to a tee and you will arrive exactly where you need to be. Nowhere.

So abide by the nice little Hub and do what the man says, and no one will be hurt, or disappointed. Just in case, here are some questions you should never, ever ask yourself. Or anyone else, for that matter;

•What matters most to you? What would you be willing to fight and die for? Sacrifice for? And what are you doing in your life to get closer to these things?

What is your personal mission statement? What are the guidelines in your life that you use when it comes to the "hard" questions or decisions?

•Would the child you once were be impressed with the person you are now? As you traveled through life, did you leave each place a little nicer than when you came? Did you accomplish the things you wanted, or do you have more regrets than dreams?

•Ten years from now, what will you be glad you decided to do today? What will you look back on and be proud of?

•If your life were a movie, and you could write the script, how would it go? Would it be anything like it is now? How would it end?

And finally,

What will people say at your funeral? How will you be remembered? Will people line up to boast about how you touched their lives and the positive impact you had on everyone around you? Or will only one or two people get up to speak, having to search and search for positive things to say, or make it up all together? Will your children have any fond memories of you? Will they even know you?

So, there you have it. Never ask yourself these questions, for they might lead you to a better life, an awakening of the spirit, or an overall sense of well being.

We need more Lemmings! They seem to have issues with following others off the cliff, and dying senseless deaths. So please, send us some replacements. Teach your children to be social robots. Pass down that old, industrial age thinking. Who cares that it's the information age? Information can be dangerous when put in the wrong hands. Information can lead to education, which leads to creativity and free thinking. I had a friend who went that route.

Sure, he seemed happy on the outside, all smiling and laughing all the time, enjoying "life." But think of all that responsibility, all those poor souls depending on you for direction, wanting you to make a difference in their lives. Why would anyone want such a thing? Then you have to teach your children how to think for themselves, and they cause trouble in school. And eventually, it turns into this vicious cycle of learning, growing, acheivement, and success, blah blah blah.

What a freakin' waste.

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Comments 46 comments

Nordy profile image

Nordy 7 years ago from Canada

What a brilliant hub! Recently I have been thinking that I've had far too many diverse and enriching life experiences and that the happiness they have brought me is a bit overwhelming. But to be honest - I just didn't know what to do to change things. Now you've written this hub I have had an epiphany! Thank you so much... I will log out right now and settle in for a few hours of television. I can't think of a better way of spending an evening than zoning out infront of copious episodes of Law and Order or CSI. Hopefully, there will also be a few dozen drug advertisements that can will help me find my inner vegetative peace!

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Exactly! I think. Wait, you are responding to my sarcastic hub with your own sarcastic comment, right? Ofcourse you are. I just read your profile. Surely, you got the gist of the message in this hub. I'm glad to see that yours is truly an UNwasted life! Thanks for the comment

Ileana profile image

Ileana 7 years ago from Texas

Very thought provoking. There's so much to do out in this great big world, I'm e-mailing this to all my friends!

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Ileana, Wow! That is a huge compliment! Thank you. I'm glad I could encourage a little "beyond the status quo" thinking.

Bruce Elkin profile image

Bruce Elkin 7 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

Sweet satire! Loved it. And there's good advice in it, too. But I'm not taking it, don't worry! Thanks!

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Thanks for the comment. Actually, there is some really good sugggestions if you read between the lines. Or think opposite...

jforrest 7 years ago

This was enjoyable to read. Well done.

quensday profile image

quensday 7 years ago from New York

Thank god I came across your life-changing hub! All this time, I was looking for ways to spill my life over, but my efforts resulted in a trivial trickling away of time! After reading this refreshing article, my life wasting skills increased dramatically =))

Lisa Nance profile image

Lisa Nance 7 years ago from North Carolina Mountains

Great wake up call, ParadigmShift! It could not have come at a better time in my life...Thanks for this hub.

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

jforrest, quensday, Lisa - Thank you for the comments! I hope this hub inspired some soul searching. It was not my intention to point fingers or shake my head at anyone, just to make people think about what they really want in life.

Lisa, I'm glad it spoke to you. Remember, the only way to change your results in life is to change the way you think. You will never rise above your own thinking!!

Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

An ancient Chinese proverb says, "Fall down seven times...stand up eight."  I say, "Fall down seven times...stay down and have another beer!"

Great hub and supurb choice of pics!  Oh, yea, I know what they'll say at my funereal: With a tear in their eye they will say, "I can't believe he's gone...he owed me money."

countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

ParadigmShift- Great hub. My father once said we learn from successful what to do and from unsuccessful people what not to do.

Christoph- If somebody says that on your grave maybe you will come out(leo's ego) just to return his money (like Chris Angel back from the grave) and we all get have some more pleasure of your company...hehe

hubber-2009 profile image

hubber-2009 7 years ago from India

by reading this page?

ajcor profile image

ajcor 7 years ago from NSW. Australia

Thanks Paradigm Shift - you know I have always wanted to travel - & particularly to the USA next November; but maybe on your so subtle advice I will just hope I can find what I am looking for on the travel channel - much cheaper and as you so rightly say much less hassle! ...yeah yeah I did get it ...good thought provoking hub!

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Christoph - I think that would be the case for most people these days, except it would be the BANK with the tear in their eye!!

countrywomen - your father was a wize man

ajcor - travel channel is looking better and better with the price of flights these days! But I still have a dream of traveling the world and acquiring musical instruments from each culture.

Thanks for the comments!

FrankRod profile image

FrankRod 7 years ago

Very funny, and couldn't be more true. Well done...

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

I'm glad you liked it Frank. Thanks for stopping by!

countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

PS- I totally agree with you(my dad was a wise person unlike me)...LOL

Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

I don't think I would be needing a guide as wasting my life comes naturally! LOL kidding aside, thanks for the make perfect sense :D

wandererh profile image

wandererh 7 years ago from Singapore

There is something to be said for not living up to your potential, for not pursuing your dreams, for not making long term goals, and generally not giving any thought to your future or the outcome of your life - it is such a comfortable place to be in that you really want to stay there for the rest of your life.

But having said that, whether you spend your life pushing the boundaries, or staying right smack in the middle of your comfort zone, the final destination is certain. Might as well try to make yourself useful to the world, or make something of yourself.

Just my 2 cents. :)

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

cw - It's obvious he passed on some of his wisdom to his beautiful and bright daughter. He also taught her compassion, patience, and understanding. I'm sure he would be proud.

Cris - Unfortunately, the ones who don't think this makes sense are the ones who need it the most. And probably aren't going to read it. Ah, "Sweet Irony!"

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

wandererh - I agree. It is easy to get stuck in your comfort zone. And keep in mind this hub is highly opinionated with , well, my opinion. Who knows, maybe some people are actually meant to just kind of float through life. If you think about it, without those people, I would have no inspiration for writing hubs like this one!

Leaders could not lead without followers and those in need of guidance. Thus, everyone still has a purpose, even if their purpose is to have no purpose! (shrugs)

Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 7 years ago from India

omg - what have I been doing with my life? What a perfect roadmap - I need a paradigm shift!!!

Great hub - satire par excellence - thumbs up!

countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

PS- You made my day " compassion, patience, and understanding" even if I don't possess all that as Shalini has said I will try to have a Paradigm shift in that direction..LOL

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Thank you for such a compliment Shalini. It is truly well received from someone who has written great hubs herself!

cw - I forgot to add "humble". Even if you don't feel you deserve it, it's still true.  I will continue to praise the good in you I see. Like Dale Carnegie says in "How to Win Friends and Influence People", - Give people a great reputation to live up to -

RGraf profile image

RGraf 7 years ago from Wisconsin

This is a great piece. I was one of those people and now I'm saying to goodbye to all that. I'm stepping out and seeking out my dreams. I want my children to remember me and with kindness. I want to enjoy the time on earth no matter how long or short it may be. I'm not going to join you in wasting my life :). Thank you for this.

Belinda Hodge profile image

Belinda Hodge 7 years ago from Brisbane Australia

Totally brilliant!

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Thank you for the comment AND compliment Belinda!

Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 7 years ago from The Other Bangor

Great hub. Why is it that nearly the only folk who can see what the lemmings are doing -- are those who have taken the exit ramp already? Or who at least see that there's an exit ramp up ahead, and plan to take it?

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

It's life's irony. Sometimes it's selfishness too. People don't stop and try to help others get out too. Instead they step on whoever they have to to get up and out.

And still other's just don't want to see it. It's like the matrix. Once you take that pill, and you see the truth, there's no going back. Some people prefer the blissful ignorance.

There's also an oxymoronic part to it. People are too comfortable to see the truth, and they need to see the truth in order to get out of their comfort zones. It's like the credit oxymoron, you can't get a credit card without good credit history, but you can't get credit history without the credit!! Whatever!

Elena. profile image

Elena. 7 years ago from Madrid

Hi ParadigmShift! I absolutely fell for this line: "Trust me, you'll learn to love it here in the land of mediocrity." The rest was a total joy ride, you have a new fan!

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Well thank you Elena! I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the comment, and support!

LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 7 years ago from London

"A man's reach must exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?"

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Well said!

"Any dream you can achieve by yourself, is too small"

Lifebydesign profile image

Lifebydesign 7 years ago from Australia

You mean your target audience is very big. lol! This should serve as inspiration.

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

HUGE, actually. I only wish they knew who they were...

LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 7 years ago from London

I would add, though, that a "good life" can't necessaily be measured in exams passed, or money earned. It can also be in children being brought up, volunteer work done, pictures painted - any number of things.

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Ofcourse! The first step is to define what success means to you (keeping it legal, moral, and ethical). Then learn how to achieve that success, and from who.

reader 7 years ago

An even better goal for everyone would be to try and stop that which al fear and then no one will waste time as all will have as much as they want and need. Science might eventually do it.

tdarby profile image

tdarby 7 years ago

So good!

ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. 7 years ago

I enjoyed this - it made me smile and made me think. Two things I don't do often enough.

Manna in the wild profile image

Manna in the wild 5 years ago from Australia

Brilliant. I've been thinking of doing something similar. How NOT to design a railway system. (Based on cityrail here in Sydney).

kirstenblog profile image

kirstenblog 5 years ago from London UK

There is another bit of advice I either missed or is not here so I will add, gratis

When you manage to stumble on some success in life, dismiss and discount it! Beware of deriving any pride or pleasure from those accidental successes otherwise you might get it into your head that you can experience great success with actual effort. That accidental success is just likely to confuse you if you do not toss it to the side without a close look!

Midianite profile image

Midianite 5 years ago from Australia

Awesome post dude!

Say Yes To Life profile image

Say Yes To Life 15 months ago from Big Island of Hawaii


I'm going to go waste some of my life right now!

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