Is It The Comfort Zone Of Our Family That Defines Us?

When we're born our minds are a clean slate. We have to learn what is going on around us. And as we start to grow we begin to notice the people who are going to be important in our lives. The mother and father, brothers and sisters and all the extended family such as aunts and uncles.

Of course there are many children who are not lucky enough to have a family, and I feel for them. Maybe they find their comfort zone with friends.

But this is not about those children. This is about us. The everyday man or woman who are lucky enough to live in a relatively safe environment. And are surrounded by love.

For many years my family were my comfort zone. Each and every member were a pillow against the world. If I had a problem either at school or work I could turn to one of them and know that their love, comfort and common sense would help me get through the problem. And much more importantly let me know that I wasn't alone.

The loving arms of my family were like cushions, one at the back of me, one at the front and many at the sides. Layers of love and understanding.


Definition of Comfort Zone - Noun - A situation or place where one feels at ease and safe, without stress.

williamantonyphoto.co.uk
williamantonyphoto.co.uk

I grew up to be a reasonably confident girl with few friends. I was slightly introverted back then because of school bullying, but my mom put on her metaphorical armour, and with her trusty steed, a bike in this instance, she would go up to the school and fight my case. She always won because she was my mom, my cushion and my hero.

After leaving school I got a good job and soon after, married. They were still there, my comfort zone. They made me laugh, they made me warm. And most importantly I had a sense of complete calmness and tranquility. But soon my cushions began to fall away.

My dad died in 1998. I was heartbroken, and missed him so much. My other cushions, my mother and aunt, brother and son wrapped me in their warm embrace and I began to feel normal again. Then a year later my mother died. Another part of my comfort zone was gone. Over the next few years I lost my aunt, my best friend and her boyfriend plus another friend too.

My comfort zone was falling to pieces. There were holes so large in the cushions that I began to feel unsafe. If I fell who would catch me? Where my family had died, there were great big holes in the padding of my comfort walls. Only darkness lay there now. Then I noticed something strange begin to happen.

copyright nell rose
copyright nell rose

Personality Changes

As my comfort zone was lost, I realised that I was sinking. I began to act differently, I had already gone through a huge trauma concerning my husband, and now I had my brother, son and ex husband. All the others have gone. That's more than a lot of people have I know, but it still felt very strange.

The person that I had been, the happy, laughing confident woman was turning into an emotional wreck. Panic attacks defined my days, and nights were traumatised by horrendous nightmares. I was falling, metaphorically and literally. Over the years I have adapted and changed completely. I still have hysterics when someone makes me laugh, but I don't really feel it. I have become numb to the world in many ways.

I watch people on TV, in the street and around me and I think that somehow I am no longer the same as they are.They feel. They love and they laugh. All because they have their comfort zone.

Confidence and Ambition.

There are lots of reasons why some people become successful. They have that certain quality that makes them leaders in their field of work. Their confidence shines through. People flock to them like bees around a honey pot. They have that something that makes them special. Most people asked would say that it was intelligence that got them where they wanted to be. Others would say that its a quality of leadership that sets them apart.

But what is it really?

I remember watching a TV program about a woman who joined the Womens Institute. From the second she started, her personality took her to the top. She became the leader of the group and organised all the meetings, fetes and fairs. Her confidence was so loud that the other ladies wouldn't even make a pot of jam without her permission. I hated her right from the second I set eyes on her.

Then I asked myself why. I knew that her confidence wasn't her own. Oh I am sure she had it in abundance, but I just knew she had a very strong comfort zone around her. Not just her husband and children, but mother, father and so on. This was proved later in the program as they all turned up to congratulate her on her work. Not only was she confident, she was arrogant. Her comfort zone was so strong it never dawned on her that things could go wrong in her family life, or work. I just wanted to see the smile wiped of her smug face. I know, how horrible am I? I also knew it was pure jealousy that made me feel this way.



Comfort Zone idlehearts.com
Comfort Zone idlehearts.com

Our Comfort Zone Does Define Us.

I believe that every time we lose someone who was our cushion, our comfort zone, a little bit of our personality gets chipped away. Instead of being a whole person, you begin to lose little bits of yourself. Our confidence is the first to go, closely followed by our interests and ambition. The person we eventually see in the mirror is not the same person that started out. I know. I recently found an old diary I wrote back in 1991.

That person, the one who held the pen, wrote the words, and smiled throughout all of the stories and memories, was not me. I don't even recognise her. I could peel back the layers from built up fear, panic and loneliness and maybe I will find myself again. Its a fascinating idea.

The question is, can we ever rebuild the person who has lost their comfort zone? Knowing that our cushions are no longer there, how do we fill the gap left by them? I wish I could answer that. I really don't know. But I do Know one thing.

I miss me.

So what can we do?

For many people, their comfort zone helps them with their everyday life. But sometimes we need to stand on our own two feet and start again. To rely on other people I believe is a sign of weakness, and the best way to build up your confidence is to hit the ground running. Go for it, and hopefully we will build up our own comfort zone based on our success. Many people go through life on their own without a family to back them. And look at how successful they have become.

The next time you see a smiling politician, a famous sportsman, or just someone down your street who oozes confidence and laughter, just remember, it may not be their intelligence and ambition that made them so successful. It could be their comfort zone that covers their back.

More by this Author


Comments 83 comments

sandrabusby profile image

sandrabusby 4 years ago from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA

Building and outgrowing our comfort zones is a lifetime affair. Like the chambered nautilus, we must continue to grow and "build thee more stately mansions, oh my Soul." (I forget the author's name.) Great hub. Thanks for SHARING.


Janine Huldie profile image

Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

Nell, I can relate a bit here. I haven't lost my parents yet, but have lost all my grandparents. When I lost my grandfather (the first real major loss), I remember feeling like a piece of my hear was broken and could never be put back quite the same way. Then the more losses that I have incurred over the years, more pieces have been broken and have been unable to be out back quite the same way too. Your article speaks volumes and is easily relatable. I truly am sorry for all your losses here. Have voted and shared too.


Jools99 profile image

Jools99 4 years ago from North-East UK

Nell, this gives food for thought! I am only too aware of my own comfort zone and I agree with you about confidence etc not being something that only comes from our own personalities. We have to thank our 'cushions' as you describe them - when they're there, we feel a lot safer.


DeborahNeyens profile image

DeborahNeyens 4 years ago from Iowa

Wow. This is a very powerful piece, Nell. I haven't yet experienced the kind of loss that you have, but I can see how each loss chips away a little of one's soul. I hope you are able to find that young woman from 1991 and rebuild your comfort zone.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks sandra, yes we should grow and become the person we should be, letting go of those comfort zones, most of the time its quite easy, but other times you are so aware of the gaping hole left by them, thanks so much, nell


Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago

Great article NellRose. Will pay attention to people's confort zone! I think artist like Tom Cruise, or Van dahmme, have this kind of advantage. Is right there in their actions. Thanks for sharing!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks Janine, its strange how our confidence goes when we lose our comfort cushions as I called my family, I sometimes forget and think 'I will go around to see my mom' and then remember, its a horrible feeling, thanks for reading, cheers nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Jools, thanks for reading, yes I think we don't realise just how much of our confidence comes from other people, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Deborah, thanks, I am trying to find her little bits come out ever so often! lol! but its not that easy. Its funny really because if I am stressed I imagine my family, mum dad etc around the house, and it really calms me, just goes to show how important they were, thanks for reading, cheers nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi lord, yes you could be right, maybe tom cruise needs those other people in that sect like a comfort zone, mind you he spends a lot of money for the priviledge! lol! thanks for reading, cheers nell


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 4 years ago from New York

I'm hoping your "pillow against the world" has returned in some form. You are a strong and talented lady, no doubt about that. You just need to let your inner strength out! Losing my parents was certainly losing part of me..but I talk to them every day (I hope I'm not nuts) and draw strength from what they taught me.

This was a heartwarming hub that I know many will relate to. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to get out of the damn tunnel!

Voted up, useful, awesome, and interesting.


Tonipet profile image

Tonipet 4 years ago from The City of Generals

I like that pillow thing associated with comfort. Each family members' love, comfort and common sense always help us understand that things may come and go but our family will always be there for us. Very lovely article Nell. Soothing to the heart. Thank you. This is a must-READ!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Mary, yes most days my pillow has come back, its just sometimes I feel a bit lonely and need a chat to get me moving. and no you are not nuts I do it all the time too! lol! yes that damn tunnel! thanks for reading, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Tonipet, thats so true, our family are always there in one way even in memories, thanks so much, nell


Karine Gordineer profile image

Karine Gordineer 4 years ago from Upstate New York

Hi Nell, I truly appreciate your unflinching honesty and emotion in this piece. I am one of those without a family cushioning but I read on anyway and see that we feel many of the same feelings. I do agree with you that people that have family that surround them do have an advantage and the world is quite a different experience without that. I have family but mine, whom I love dearly, were not well equiped for their own lives let alone to pass on skills or create a comfort zone when they themselves had none. What I can tell you about that experience is that it certainly can be more challenging to create your own sense of comfort but the rewards are worth it and yes, you can smile again and feel confident without that cushion. I think it just takes alot more inner work and certainly there are many days when I still feel that sense of wishing I had that cushioning. I do feel that there is love in the universe that surrounds all of us whether you call that Power, God or something else know that it is there. Thank you again for sharing, muchly appreciated.


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 4 years ago from United States

I also think the comfort zone can change in a lifetime and it does take a long time to rebuild that zone. I heard the saying that 'Happiness in an inside job" and that has always stuck with me. I have choices and I try to chose happiness whenever possible. I take more pleasure in the little things in life than I use to, and especially in even the smallest victories because we all have bad or difficult times sooner or later.

I am sorry you lost so many loving family members is such a short time frame and having a miserable ex-husband is also a factor. I think we have to try and live each day only, not worrying about tomorrow as it's not here yet and knowing we can't change the past. Blessings to you and a happier future.


DFiduccia profile image

DFiduccia 4 years ago from Las Vegas

Thank you for an interesting and candid essay about real things that happened to you on your journey through life. Our goal is to survive the pitfalls of the journey and become a stronger and better person.

The photo with your poem is very nice.

…voted up—DF


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Karine, thanks again, yes I agree that we should be able to pull ourselves out of our comfort zone and become more confident, I know I am most of the time, its just some days as you mentioned that we need to feel as though someone is there. Yes I definitely agree with you about the universe, I feel as though someone is watching us, and it does feel lovely sometimes, thanks so much for reading, and your email, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Pamela, I do to, I love the little things that I never noticed before, and I realise that we can be lonely in a crowd and happy on our own too. thanks so much, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi DF, thank you for reading, and thanks for saying about my photo, I took ages trying to get it onto the background! lol!


TIMETRAVELER2 profile image

TIMETRAVELER2 4 years ago

The only constant in life is change. Once you can accept this, you realize that your "comfort zone" will change as life continues, and this includes losing many people you have loved. The good news is that there are many people in the world to love who will love you back. They can't replace your parents, but they can still feed your soul. Nice job, Nell.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks Time, yes you are so right, life is change, and there are always people out there to love you back, its just one of those strange things in life that people become successful because of their comfort zone family, I just wanted to know how many people were like this, thanks so much nell


always exploring profile image

always exploring 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

Nell, This is something i had never thought about, but it opened my eyes to many things. I remember as long as my Moher was alive, I had no worries, she was there someone i could go to and feel better. After her death, i went through many changes. Thank you for an excellent article..Cheers Ruby.


AliciaC profile image

AliciaC 4 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

Nell, I am sorry for what you are experiencing, and understand completely about losing one's comfort zone when close family members die. It is sad and very difficult to lose people who are such an important part of one's life. The last section of your hub is much more hopeful and offers some very good advice, though. I believe that it is important to develop some self reliance, even though it may be a challenge. Thank you for a thought provoking hub, and best wishes to you.


teamrn profile image

teamrn 4 years ago from Chicago

Nell, for years, my 'comfort zone' was my family. Even though the miles separated us (we were on opposite ends of the country, North-South-East-West). But my mom held us all together, though we didn't know it.

Several years ago, Mom made her transition to joined Dad and her children have not been the 'comfort zone' for each other like our parents would have wanted. When Mom was still here, we stayed together, attended reunions and gathered for holidays.

Now, we can't seem to pull a reunion off, someone always has his/her now out of joint, holidays are often spent with friends or immediate family. There's a wedge. What is that wedge. Many of us don't hold the same political views, so I though of that as the wedge. But, if family cannot DISCUSS differences of opinion, without getting hot around the collar, who can?

I think that we were family BEFORE Mom died. Unfortunately, after Mom died, some of us are friends and some are friendly acquaintances. That's sad.


alocsin profile image

alocsin 4 years ago from Orange County, CA

I would answer yes because my family zone is where I feel the most comfortable. I think it's knowing that they accept me with all my faults and virtues that helps. Voting this Up and Interesting.


aviannovice profile image

aviannovice 4 years ago from Stillwater, OK

I am who I am, and that's what gives me comfort. I lost my family a long time ago, so I fully understand what you are saying.


Green Lotus profile image

Green Lotus 4 years ago from Atlanta, GA

I love your touching personal account of losing those who made up your comfort zone. I can relate because I have lost many a cushy pillow person myself! :)

I learned early on that the answers are all within ourselves and that no one person or "thing" out there can bring us happiness, comfort and security. It all really comes from within.

There are people close to me who are going through the loss of their comfort zone so this Hub is timely. Unfortunately one of those people has been "enabled" by others (including myself) for so long, they have forgotten (or rather relinquished) their own power to do anything, even to talk on the phone without being instructed what to say. It's sad when one has truly forgotten who they really are.

I can't believe you are anywhere near that state. Perhaps you once were, but your writings fully express your amazing, positive, smart being. I admire you more each day for who you are.


rcrumple profile image

rcrumple 4 years ago from Kentucky

Nell, you are inspirational, yet, so delicate (in a good way). A part of our comfort zone in family comes from the support they give us. When they are no longer around to provide that support, we feel as though we have lost a part of ourselves. I lost my mother at age 13, and have been told many times that I had to "grow up" quickly. I still had all my other relatives, but she had been my major influence. I missed her telling me I could do whatever I wanted, for it forced me to perform. My grades went down as I became involved in "other" things, for she was no longer there to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Perhaps, it is not just losing support and love of those once cherished. It may be simply that we have experienced it all before and have grown somewhat numb and bored. We have to stretch out of our "routine" and venture into others to keep the excitement fresh. At age 50, I attended OZZFEST and fought the kids in the mosh pit for a front row center position on the stage fence. The only thing between the stage and I was a 300 pound guard. It was a great evening and something I hadn't done since the early 's. I guess what I'm trying to say is that in watching others pass, we recognize our own mortality and subconscioulsy can't enjoy life as we once did. We have to make ourselves realize that life is still there to enjoy if we put ourselves in a position to do so! As youngsters, we were explorers and extenders of the comfort zone. As adults, we become trapped by them. Never stop extending! Sorry for rambling. Great Hub as always!


katyzzz profile image

katyzzz 4 years ago from Sydney, Australia

Very meaningful hub Nell and "sometimes we need to stand on our own two feet and start again" such wise words, but that comfort zone is just such a help for so many as you say, you're sharing with us the secrets of life


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks Ruby, sorry it took me so long to answer I have been away for a couple of days, yes I think thats when we find our personality changes, after our parents have gone, its a strange feeling, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Alicia, yes it was just something I was thinking back about, when I felt different, and what caused it? I realised that it was something as simple as the fact that I don't have those elder family members around any more, still feels strange, thanks so much for reading, cheers nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi team, thats so sad, its like our moms are the linchpin of the family, take it away and it all crumbles, people move on and others want to keep it the same, I think thats the trouble, hope it works out for you, thanks


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi alocsin, yes I think thats it too, we know that they accept us faults and all, thanks so much for reading, cheers nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks avian, it was just one of those moments when I suddenly realised that all the comfort zones, as in the older relatives, had gone, but we have to get on with it, thanks as always, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Hilary, yes thats so true, we have to find our own happiness, it is easy to reliquish the power to someone else, my brother is a bit like that, even down to the telephone calls too. I think thats what the problem is with me, its not lack of family, but lack of responsibility on their part, in other words if they did somethings for themselves it would be fine, but its always me that has to do it, drives me insane! lol! and thanks so much for your kind words, most days I am up with the best of them, its just somedays it would be nice if other family members would remember that I am not the leader, or helper all the time, thanks nell


teamrn profile image

teamrn 4 years ago from Chicago

Nell, in our case Mom was the linchpin that held our family together. It would have been both Mom and Dad (dad was such a lover of family), but unfortunately, he left us close to 40 years ago and Mom had 5 children of college age to 'get on their way.'

I thought, apparently I was wrong, that they had taught us each the value of family and that even with their absence, our 'family' would still remain tight knit. I was so wrong. This has been a very timely hub, though. Someone else can learn from the mistakes of our family, that 5 grown adults can't drop their egos long enough to realize what made that bond between them so special in the first place,

My sister does say. "we started out life as sisters;" now we're friends with the SAME NOSE!!" That is a sentiment worth sharing and a GOOD feeling to have.


suzettenaples profile image

suzettenaples 4 years ago from Taos, NM

Very interesting article, Nell. You don't come across to me as a person who has lost her self-confidence, ever. In fact, you come across to me as the opposite. I am amazed by some of your life experiences and how you have handled them. We do have to adjust and go on when our "comfort cusions" drop by the wayside. It is difficult, but life is constantly evolving for each one of us. Sometimes it is hard to keep up! lol. Thanks for writing such a thought provoking piece. I really enjoyed this and it got me thinking. (I know first time for everything! lol)


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks so much rcrumple, next time you go to an ozzfest please take me! lol! I am a huge ozzy fan! and yes you are so right, thanks


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks katy, thanks for your thoughts, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi team, its funny how people do drift away from each other, most of the time they don't even realise that they are doing it, I love your sisters saying! lol! that is definitely a good feeling to have, thanks so much again, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi suzette, lol! thanks so much, I am confident most of the time, but its just a few times when I feel that I want someone to lean on and they tend to lean on me! lol! glad you like it, and thanks as always, nell


teamrn profile image

teamrn 4 years ago from Chicago

It was a wonderful gift; on a birthday card, but I really feel that it was one of those cards that was chosen for a reason. But, the whole family seems a bit too distant and I find myself envying people with a close family. Hey, it is, what it is!!


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 4 years ago

Sorry for the loss of such a wonderful comfort zone in your life, Nell. I thank you for sharing from your heart on this issue. Our support group does give us some cushion in life, but we must try to venture out on our own at some point in order to grow.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago

An Amazing Hub, Nell, from an Amazing Woman. We've all had a "tumble" a few times in our lives, the longer we live...we lose a part of that "comfort zone". The loss of Parents, I don't think we ever get over. But Memories sustain us. My Sister lost her daughter to Suicide, a few years ago, and never made it back to her comfort zone. But she is a strong woman, and slowly, she has recovered.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi team, yes thats it, it is what it is, we have to just try and keep them all together, but if they wish to keep distance then there is nothing we can do about it, I am sure in my case that I should just phone them more, my brother etc, maybe it will help to change it? thanks again.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi team, yes thats it, it is what it is, we have to just try and keep them all together, but if they wish to keep distance then there is nothing we can do about it, I am sure in my case that I should just phone them more, my brother etc, maybe it will help to change it? thanks again.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks teaches, yes you are right, we should learn to stand on our own two feet, but sometimes just take a step back to remember the good old times, thanks nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi b. Malin, I am so sorry to hear about your sisters daughter, its things like that make us realise just how lucky we are to have the people we have left around us, thanks so much for reading, cheers nell


IntegrityYes 4 years ago

OOh,Nell! I definitely voted up.


d.william profile image

d.william 4 years ago from Somewhere in the south

Great hub. I hail from a large family, but i never really had the need to be cushioned, protected, or propped up by anyone. I knew from a very early age that the only one who would take care of me, was me. It has served me well over the years, as i always made sure i never put myself in any situation that i could not control. After all, we are the driving force in our own life. My only comfort zone is my own home where i can live unscathed by the outside world.


kittythedreamer profile image

kittythedreamer 4 years ago from the Ether

Nell - This was beautiful and thought-provoking. I agree...my comfort zone does sort of define me. I feel I can be myself totally in my home and around my family (husband and daughter) but then I get out of my comfort zone and it's a different story..I'm more reluctant to display sides of me to others that I display to my family. It's interesting, isn't it?


tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina

This is very profound. I can tell you that those who never have the comfort zone you describe, can spend a life time grieving the loss of something they never had. Luckily we can provide this for our own children. Very touching!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi d. william, thats a great way of seeing it, yes we should all do our own thing, but sometimes our comfort zone is sorely missed I am afraid, I will take on board what you said though, thanks so much for reading, cheers nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi kitty, thanks for reading, I think we all need it sometimes, but its time to stand on my own two feet! lol! thanks!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi tammy, yes thats so true, I have seen programs about orphans who actually bang their heads on the walls because they have no one to comfort them, thats why I hug my son all the time! well, when he is here, he lives with his girlfriend now, thanks as always, nell


Lita C. Malicdem profile image

Lita C. Malicdem 4 years ago from Philippines

Wonderful hub, bless you for sharing this phase of human life- losing one's comfort zone, definitely that of family, including the struggles to spring back from the loss. I relate very well, Nell.

When my parents died, we, 9 siblings, had no one to turn to when trials came our way. The parent figures, naturally the elder among us weren't reliable, probably because they have problems that go with building a family of their own. I'm utterly devastated because I'm the only one left in this place of our birth, living adjacent to our vacant ancestral house. With a family of my own, I realize that acceptance that we will never be the same again serves me a cushion against falling further. So, today, I'm happy to just make do with family gatherings on important occasions we celebrated with our parents such as birthdays, etc. Our support for each other is still there. I now take pride that comfort zones change for the better, I have my 2 daughters to run to when I need help. It defines me anew. Nell, thank you!


teamrn profile image

teamrn 4 years ago from Chicago

Lita, it is such a strange feeling. We weren't 9 siblings; rather 5, many with their own families, we with a dog! The hole that I felt and still feel is a vast land and going to my home town to stay with the family who does remain there, doesn't rekindle the strong bond that once was.

I haven't reached that point of acceptance that you seem to have, but I'm sure that the sooner I do, the sooner I'll stop feeling the emptiness, the void that close family can and did fill. my husband and I are childless and feel 'different' because of that. We can't relate that well to a life with children and my siblings can't relate that well to a life without children. Though it's unfortunate, "it is what it is" and nothing I can do will change it.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks Lita, I totally understand, its something we take for granted and then when its taken away we feel as though we are falling, I am so glad you have your family and yes we end up making our own comfort zones, glad you liked it thanks!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi team, thanks for your thoughts, when we feel like this it can be so distressing, its like you said, a big hole, and sometimes its so hard to know that we can't fill it, then all of a sudden something comes along and hopefully it does make it better a little anyway, I tend to imagine my mum and dad still there when I am feeling down, I try and get the feeling that I can just walk around to their house and they will be there with big smiles on their faces, funnily enough it does work and sometimes calms me, thanks for reading, nell


Larry Fields profile image

Larry Fields 4 years ago from Northern California

Hi Nell,

Another great hub! I think that your description of the familial comfort zone is universal, for those who are fortunate enough to have one. And it probably applies to women more than men. To a greater extent than for women, men get self-esteem from accomplishments outside the home.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Larry, yes thats so true, I do think women need their comfort zone around them, men tend to adjust better to the situation of being alone, thanks as always, nell


Jackie Lynnley profile image

Jackie Lynnley 4 years ago from The Beautiful South

Just got the scoop on Harry! Laughing my butt off. Bet someone got a pretty penny for those shots and bet they won't be disappearing anytime soon, huh? I don't think anyone will do much but laugh. Now William I am sure would not get by with that. I wonder if he envies Harry's freedom to be wild?


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Jackie, lol! I wondered if you had seen them! trust Harry to get himself into trouble! can you imagine if William had done it? thanks for the laugh! nell


Jackie Lynnley profile image

Jackie Lynnley 4 years ago from The Beautiful South

Oh I love those boys, don't much care what either do. Diana brought them up well. She could be a little feisty too now and then, huh? I am putting her poem in my new book even if it is more like a book itself. Just means something for me I want to keep as a tribute. I do call Camiller a witch in it, guess that is a bit much but considering what she did to Di, I think not! lol


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Jackie, lol! witch? yep probably! good luck with the book, and yes Harry is just having fun, but he will have to grow up sometime, and after this its probably now! haha!


carter06 profile image

carter06 4 years ago from Cronulla NSW

This really is a very powerful expression of your experience here Nell...I get that a part of us feels lost when we loose someone I really do...it's awesome that you've shared this with us...VUA&B & shared...cheers


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi carter, thanks so much, it can be hard sometimes thanks, nell


Jlava73 profile image

Jlava73 4 years ago from Cyberspace and My Own World

Nell,

You captured this phenomenon so eloquently! As women we feel and care so much more for others then ourselves, and that really makes the bottom fall out when we lose anyone who is important to us; it can send us into a tailspin. I have experienced this myself numerous times. You are right about the comfort zone, we need to be able to re-build ourselves and our self-esteem and find positive ways to cope.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Jlava, yes I agree, we really need to get our self esteem back, if we can become a 'whole' person again then we can cope with the outside world, its so difficult though, thanks so much for reading, nell


midget38 profile image

midget38 4 years ago from Singapore

Our comfort zone does define us and that is why we are so afraid to leave it. When we do, as I've personally had to do so many times it is terrifying yet enriching. You are very strong! My blessings!


Nyamache profile image

Nyamache 4 years ago from Kenya

This hub makes me think of what orphans go through. It is really difficult to rebuild the person who has lost his/her comfort zone. However, relying on a person is the mistake that most people make since it leads them not to stand on their own two feet. We are always advised to be ourselves.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi midget, thanks so much, it can be a scary process going out there on your own, but its something we all have to do, glad you liked it, and thanks!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Nyamache, yes I agree, orphans have such a hard time, but some have really gone on to make something of themselves too. If we do lean on others too much, its easier to fall flat on our faces when they are not there, thanks so much for reading, nell


Jools99 profile image

Jools99 4 years ago from North-East UK

Back for another read of this Nell after an odd last few months where I gave up my job and decided not to go back to work. I wondered how I would cope because I have always worked and my confidence was shot to bits when I left work but you know, I have changed for the better I think. I did not fall back on other people, I went inside myself to understand things and it has done me good! In the end, we need to rely on ourselves in life.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi Jools, I totally agree with you, after giving up my job, well I got made redundant, I chose to just write on here, its not making me much money but I am doing the one thing I love, so it can't be bad! relying on myself took a bit of doing, but its working out okay, fingers crossed! lol! thanks again, nell


Alecia Murphy profile image

Alecia Murphy 4 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

I can relate so much to this article. My grandparents passed away in great spans of time between when I was in Kindergarten and right before I graduated college. And I also lost other family members as well. But being an only child my comfort zone always felt different. My cousins and friends sometimes acted as surrogate siblings and teachers sometimes felt like extra parents. But it wasn't until college where I really found that family doesn't always consist of those who are related to you but those you find a shared purpose and bond with.

I'm sorry to hear about your losses but I am so glad you decided to share this with us.


John Sarkis profile image

John Sarkis 4 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

Hi Nell, and what a brilliant article this one is.

I can personally relate to what you're talking about in this hub. I was raised and nurtured by my grandmother until I was 4 n 1/2 years old; she left me then and I was quite devastated. We reunited some 6 years later only to find out she would have very little to do with me and was now involved in rasing my cousins - what was once an affectionate individual towards me had now become apathetic. Additionally, my Mother and I are very close; she's a wonderful person! The reason she wasn't that involved with me when I was a baby was because, she had to work. My grandmother on the other hand had all the time in the world and was also extremely possessive when it came to me....

I think friends are super important, because, you can choose them and you can't do the same with one's family! Additionally, my friends can make me laugh like no one in my family can.

Take care - and voted up

John


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Thanks so much Alecia, you are so right. I have friends that I have known for years, and they are just like family now, thanks for reading, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi John, yes families can be difficult, I have a brother that drives me insane! but I still love him, but wouldn't want to live with him! my friends make me laugh so hard till I cry, so yes I totally agree with you, thanks so much, nell


Millionaire Tips profile image

Millionaire Tips 4 years ago from USA

I am sorry that you have had so many losses in your life. Our loved ones do cushion us from falls, and it is scary when they are gone. I don't think that you lose a part of yourself when they are gone though. I think it just means that it is time to get a new pillow - it won't be the same as the old one, and maybe it means that it is your turn to be the pillow for someone else.


rdsparrowriter profile image

rdsparrowriter 3 years ago

Hi sorry for your losses, but it's always the begining of a new thing which you discover in you. I can relate this to when my father died, I was totally lost as if I'm alone in a big, dark , scary world which almost led to suicide. I was always protected by his shadow. He was the only person I trusted and was always honest since he understood me very well. Now, when I look back and see, I've come so far that I never have imagined nor thought that I'll be alive to celebrate my quarter century lol. My family always been my help though my siblings drives me nuts :) and I'm blessed to have so many caring friends. This hub made me thank God for what I already have :) God bless you!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 3 years ago from England Author

Hi rd, thank you so much, and I am glad you came through your darkness okay, there is always someone else to help us God willing, so we should be grateful, thanks, nell

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working