How to Spot a Brown Noser At Work

Brown Noser

Born to Kiss Ass

From a very early age it is some times possible to tell that some children are born to lead and that some are born to follow, The leaders are the children in the playground who delegate the roles during gameplay of the other children at recess and the followers are the ones who carry out the role delegated to them during the course of the game.

The Leader is a self confident child who takes control of any situation with efficiency, diplomacy and tact, the leader very quckly earns the respect of their peers.

The Follower looks up to the leader with respect and and will allow the leader to guide them within reason.

There is one more type of child to be found in the playground he/she could be classed as a follower but with a slight difference the Ass Kisser will follow the leader and the follower, trying to please everyone trying to be everyone in the groups friend, yet this person would stab you in the back for a little bit of praise from someone higher in the pecking order than you. these people are often referred to as a brown noser in the work place because their heads are so far up the bosses ass that their nose has turned brown.

Randall (Recess) Brown Noser

How to Spot a Brown Noser at School

School is a place of learning it's where we learn to read and write, we learn science and mathematics as well as a whole host of other subjects, the results of which help us to enrich our minds and further our future career prospects when we start making our own way in the world.

Some things that we learn in school though are not taught to us in any class room, things that stand us in good stead for our whole lives and make us more aware of the people around us.

we learn who we can or cannot trust, who we can be friends with who to stay away from, we quickly learn who the bullies are and most importantly who the ass kissers.

At school the Ass Kisser is easy to spot, trying too hard to become friends with everyone, they bring candy into school to share with everyone and they bring an apple in for the teacher every morning.

The first week or so is great you are getting candy for nothing and your new friend will do anything to please you, they will play the games that you want to play, go where you want to go and talk with whoever you want to talk too, they seem like the perfect friend until you break one of the school rules, if you drop a candy wrapper on the ground they run off and tell the teacher about your devious crime spree and you get into trouble for it whilst it makes them look good in front of the teacher.

The strange thing about it is after they have reported your offence they try to make it up to you by giving you more candy, asking you to play your favorite game or even giving you one of their favorite toys in the hope that you will remain their friend.

At school Ass Kissers lose friends very quickly and in the end up they become spies for the teachers, reporting every infraction by students that they see, having lost respect from the students they hope to earn it from the teachers who secretly hate them because of their constand tattle tales.

Employee of the Month

How to Spot an Brown Noser at Work

By the time they have left the academical life the Brown Noser is a more devious person altogether and their brown nosing has become an art form.

Spotting the brown noser in the work place is a little more difficult, their tactics have completely changed, they have learned the act of stealth tactics and how to manipulate people to believe that they are a true friend or ally. most importantly they have learned how to disagree with your views in situations where you will not be offended therefore you still think of them as a friend.

The first day that you start a new job, people want to know more about you, what you did before, where you come from, your hobbies and interests if you have any common aquaintancies and so forth.

The ass Kisser tends to share the same hobbies and interests as you and always has the same sort of background as you came from, quick thinkers they come up with a story which resembles your life but with a few embelishments that will make you feel a little sympathetic toward them, for example they would say that they went to the same school as you but they hated it because they were being constantly bullied.

The Brown Noser at work is a listener more than a talker so much so that you begine to confide in them sharing your thoughts about your co-workers and your superiors why you like this person why you dont like another,what you think of the job and ideas that that you have come up with to improve the productivity of the workplace.

The brown noser then uses his skills by telling the biggest gossip in the workplace what you have said about your co-workers and superiors and the rumours begin about you. if you ask the kiss ass how they found out they will deny everything claiming that you must have been over heard by someone and that things that the ass kisser said to you were also the talk of the workplace.

The ass kissing brown noser will then talk with the management telling them your ideas of how to increase productivity, claiming your ideas as their own, this is normally the time that you find out their true colors, the management lavish the ass kissing brown noser with the praise and the respect that the ass kisser craves so much. the ass kissing brown noser suddenly finds that they have no more time for you and moves on to the next victim.

99.9% of the time you will find a Photograph of the ass kissing brown noser proudly displayed in the works canteen as Employee of the Month.

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Comments 48 comments

dutch84 profile image

dutch84 8 years ago

this is hilarious...and I hope that my saying that doesn't make me a kiss ass.

Question: How do you get Yahoo! News bulletins on your page?


donnaleemason profile image

donnaleemason 8 years ago from North Dakota, USA

But you didn't address how to get the mark off your nose when you decide that you want to be the leader. Lol.


jimmythejock profile image

jimmythejock 8 years ago from Scotland Author

Hi dutch, to add news just select a news capsule in your edit page.

LOL Donna, i honestly don't know the answer to your question, I have been trying to remove it from mine for years HaHaHa!.....jimmy


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

OK, you write the book jimmy, and I'll write the forward. LOL

I think I want to link to your hubs though, from my work-related ones. Yes? No? It could be very entertaining.


jimmythejock profile image

jimmythejock 8 years ago from Scotland Author

LoL Patty we could both do a book each, write the forward to each others and half the profits.

let me know which hubs and I will recriprocate the links lol.....jimmy


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

OK jimmy, I'll pick the hubs tomorrow!

I keep forgetting about profits!

How about one of those books that is right side up on one side and upside down on the other and contains two books? Kid's books do that a lot here and occasionally more mature writing. You can have the front half.

Patty


John McLaughlin, Stock Day Trader's - Consultant / Coach 8 years ago

Nice job / descriptions

(not the comment of an ass kisser, heh heh)

John McLaughlin, Stock Day Trader's - Consultant / Coach


Kim Cantrell profile image

Kim Cantrell 8 years ago from Deep In The Pages of a Book

LOL, love it! I've spotted 4 while reading this article! lol


Ralph Deeds profile image

Ralph Deeds 8 years ago

Have you spotted any Hubber ass-kissers, Jimmy? LOL.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Brilliant Hub jimmythejock.

Brown nosers comprise around 99% of the public service in Australia - and probably most other countries as well.

Ralph:

Have a scroll through the enormous "last post" thread in the forums, and you'll be able to spot a few brown nose hubbers :)


jacobworld profile image

jacobworld 8 years ago from Ireland

I know quite a few of them around me. Shame they don't kiss my ass LOL


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

We all know quite a few I'm sure.

great hub again Jimmy

regards Zsuzsy


akeejaho profile image

akeejaho 8 years ago from Some where in this beautiful world!

The Brown mark on the nose is absorbed into the brain after years of brownnosing, and when the time comes to be the leader, the absorbed brown stains, which have accumulated in mass, become a common affliction refered to as being a S#%T HEAD. (But this is just a theory)


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

You've probably seen this, but it's a perfect example of how a message changes as it's filtered upwards through successive layers of company hierarchy:

HOW SHIT HAPPENS

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves, saying, "it is a crock of Shit, and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their supervisors and said 'It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof.'

And the supervisors went unto the managers, saying 'It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.'

And the managers went unto their directors saying, 'it is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength.'

And the Directors talked amongst themselves, saying to one another, 'It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very powerful.'

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, this new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company, with powerful effects.'

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is how shit happens!


bluewings profile image

bluewings 8 years ago from Milkyway

Interesting insight into human behavior.Telling one from the other/s could become an occupation of sorts,lol.


funride profile image

funride 8 years ago from Portugal

I´m starting now by kissing your´s LOL. I started by linking this hub to my About Funny blog ;) and now I´m going to comment this hilarious and well written hub from the greatest hubber ever. Well, not very far from truth though :P

Great hub Jimmy, you made me realize how many of those brown noses I met were in fact ass kissers :D


Woody Marx profile image

Woody Marx 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

I prefer to be an ass-slapper myself. ;)


2patricias profile image

2patricias 8 years ago from Sussex by the Sea

We can probably laugh more than most (both of us Patricias) because we spend most of our time working alone - no office politics. Thanks for a giggle on a dull day.


Stooge profile image

Stooge 8 years ago

Jimmy. Great one. Who was the inspiration?


driverslicense profile image

driverslicense 8 years ago

LOL awesome hub....great jokes and prose. Thanks for the laugh!


SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

Very funny, but I might also add some kids are not leaders or followers.  They sit under trees reading or drawing as all the other kids play.  Eventually these kids grow up and will have jobs in offices like everyone else, but they are not as excited about group projects and prefer working on their own.  These people are introverts and you forgot to mention them in this scenario.  I hope your write a hub about bullies because I think they are the most annoying :). This is a great hub and thanks for sharing, very funny.


sole survivor profile image

sole survivor 8 years ago

this is funny! i actually had some encounters with these types of people at work. one is still very fresh in my mind that the thought of that person makes me cringe. everyone in our department hates this person but they still act as that person's friend because the kiss ass is "rubbing elbows" with the bosses.


rmr profile image

rmr 8 years ago from Livonia, MI

Are you sure you don't live in Michigan? After reading this hub, as well as your complete b@satard hub, I feel as if you have been looking around the shop in which I work.


esocial profile image

esocial 8 years ago from California

Wow, where was this when I was in grade school???? Too funny!! Great hub :)


compu-smart profile image

compu-smart 8 years ago from London UK

Im a BIG fan of Brown nosed @ss kissers!!.....As lond as their kissing MY @ss;)


compu-smart profile image

compu-smart 8 years ago from London UK

ps..Not in the literall sense:D


ProCW profile image

ProCW 8 years ago from South Carolina

umm... haha :)


Seabastian profile image

Seabastian 8 years ago from Raleigh

Do you think these early stage ass kissers began with an inate talent for it or were thy imitating an adult that was close to them? Is this one of them chicken or egg first imponderables? Perhaps you could do some follow up research and report back as a follow up to a great hub.


Marion Wise 8 years ago

This makes me want to listen to my favorite Dead Milkmen song: "Do the Brown Nose!"


stuffsoup 7 years ago

funny stuff - just reminds me of this woman at work... Can't tell if i have to laugh or throw up a little in my mouth


Frieda Babbley profile image

Frieda Babbley 7 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

OMG hysterical. The upside down book thing is a great idea by the way. There's definitely something in that with a topic like this. Onto the next hub in this category. Lets see how much I can laugh in one hour. Wonder how much weight I'm be losing.


Drsletmedown 7 years ago

ABSOLUTELY the TRUTH & I hope ALL the KISS ASSERS & BROWN NOSERS now know we are & have been onto them & it's TIME to turn the tables on them. It must REALLY be terrible to NOT be able to achieve anything in life without having a stipe on your nose & bad breath.


dee 7 years ago

r p arms and bj c have my vote of biggest kiss assess of all time all this describes them to a t construction workers with j & g knoxville tn i hope in some way they get this note


figment profile image

figment 6 years ago from Texas

funny. loved it!!


mwatkins profile image

mwatkins 6 years ago from Portland, Oregon & Vancouver BC

This is hilarious! I had to get away from all the ass kissers and started my own biz in 1999 and never looked back! Thanks for reminding me (yet once again) that leaving the corporate ranks of management was the best choice! BY FAR!! ;-)


hadenough 6 years ago

I have a big ass kisser where I work, since the day she walked into this place she has done nothing but kiss ass and brown nose, she wants to be me and do my job too. I say let her, shit I'll go home..lol


cskell 6 years ago

Your description of a typical "kiss ass" at work is a 100% match of a guy that I worked with at a retail store. This guy would constantly being throwing orders at people, even though he was in the lowest job position in the store, he would get into other people's business (he even wrote my schedule down and actually admitted it to me!), he would act like he was your friend but backstab you when you weren't around, and would copy the manager's quotes and his behavior. I don't even think he realised how much of a fool he made himself look in front of a store with 85+ employees. He isn't even very high ranking in the store. He truly is a pathetic piece of shit!


TD 6 years ago

worked with a guy Lee Crawford. Lived to kiss ass and throw who ever he had to - especially his boss - under the bus at any opportunity. Just in hopes he might get invited to a meeting that offered a free lunch. LOOOOSER!!!! Would stalk leader when the were out for dinner - just hoping they might notice him and talk to him. So, so, sad.... It never got him a thing.


Whikat 5 years ago

This explains why I cannot or will not work in a setting with more than 2 people. With only 2 people, It is clear right away who is the leader and who is the kiss ass!


Someone 5 years ago

This is so true! What is really unfortunate is seeing a youth already forming this type of behavior . And to display this behavior so as to be a part of an elite group at such a young age means one thing!!!!! They learned this from their parents...

Very precise article of the ass kisser ha


random person 4 years ago

lol im an ass kiss but only to one teacher

i dont make anyone else look bad they do it to them selfs! XD


tim 4 years ago

very accurate. i know someone who is a proffesional. wish i could change careers because of it.happens alot in construction.especailly the ones who have no skills!


debbie 4 years ago

omg..at the restaurant i work at (been there 5 years) there;s a few ass kissers...one of whom has only been employed there for 8 mos.-she;s so aweful..one minuete she;s your friend-the next.she;ll be standing by the boss.acting all perfect.and the worse part of it all ? the boss falls for it ! does;nt matter how long i;ve been there.or how well i do my job.if she wants to leave early/ yet it;s supposed to be my turn..he;ll let her go...ugh..these ass kissers make me ill...


equalizer 4 years ago

Brown-nozer's have also been known to be the biggest back-stabbing whiners and manipulators because of their lack of skills and knowledge. Their built-in coping mechanisms which is nothing short of schitzophrenia and bi-polarism is why they do the under-handed devious shit that they do, to make up for their lack of! what's even worse is the stupid- lack of sense boss who go's for it, and then he himself takes advantage of the situation by turning them into spies, which makes him a deviant opportunist! Altogether you have self aggrandizing bunch of judas's. These type of people beware have nothing to do with them, and don't tell them anything personal. The only way to deal with these type of people is document everything CYA and give least amount of info as possible, because they cannot be trusted and are not even remotely loyal to team work. They are not Team-Players, they are always trying to take away from others with their lies and rumor spreading subterfuge. They are also opportunists and will throw you under the bus with out even blinking an eye, especially if there is promotion possibility. My dad always told me these type of people have the heart of Judas. They look you in the eye and be-friend you, and even eat with you, and they gather info. like a stealthy computer worm virus and when the timing is right, their mouth is like pandoras box.


Lolliereceptionist 4 years ago

Oke i have a bad one a kiss ass that hangs on the boss and the numbnut man falls for all her crap as she is young and pretty. he calls her up to his hotel room and they'll drink the night away... if it didn't effect her job fine by me but the second the boss arrives this little lady gets her boobs out and her nose in the air. being rude and bossy with some of the other workers! how do i deal with that shit? I can go tell the GM coz shell flip out but wont that make me a brown nose to her? HELP!


lovedoctor926 4 years ago

In the business world, it's better to be a leader than a follower. This is a very interesting and well-put hub. I came across this article while hopping. vote up awesome!


retlaw12 4 years ago

laing/orourke do an NVQ on kissing ass


Bernie R. 3 years ago

Jimmy, you left out the part where they pin the countless mistakes on you and everyone else!

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