Health - Social Anxiety Disorder
I was in work yesterday and was having a reflective moment, I have recently come into some money from various sources, one was a check from my uncle as a gift and the other was from selling my classic car which I bought for cheap and increased the value. After these events I feel peace of mind because my finances are now in order, plus I do not have the same people who would hound me because of these worries on my back with 'advice'.
After spending that extra-thought space free from worry considering what things are valuable to my life, I thought about what I aspire to do with my time because I no longer have to look after my classic car, as many know is a time consuming hobby. I only had a partial interest in this, my main interests are painting, writing, and learning music. I am a bit of an odd-ball to the people who I work with, I believe many of them don't respect or appreciate these things I like.
I have numerous quotes and proverbs floating around my head at the moment, which I feel are relevent to this article such as 'noisey puddles are shallow, deep puddles make little noise' it was something like this which I heard in one of the hubpages forums. Another well known phrase we hear everyday is 'watchout for the quiet ones' why is this? some people say it is because these people are criminals, but not necessarily so.
I am going to try and let all of these thoughts flow, one occasion that springs to mind happened just before Christmas when I was out with my girlfriend of the time, she was introducing me to a group of her friends. One of the girls there was dead quiet, maybe a bit quieter than me that night, although I do not regard it a competition. To quote biblical proverbs 'Even a fool can appear wise if he keeps his mouth shut'. My girlfriend told me this girl had 'Social Anxiety Disorder' and was on medication for it, I was slightly amused, because we all know how society likes to slap label's on conditions so issues can be brushed to one side, I thought to myself I must have this illness too. Later on that evening another one of my girlfriend's friend's proceeded to state in front of everyone 'Gosh he is quiet is'nt he', the only answer I could come up with on the spot was 'Yeah I've got social anxiety disorder'. The real reason for my shyness being that I find pub settings are not an ideal location for intellectual's to congregate, don't get me wrong because I'm not a stiff or anything, I just don't think my selection of interest's coincide with pop culture or beverage consumption. Not too mention, I was rather tired from work that week, usually I make an effort to participate within the crude humour or express some opinions upon mass appeal because i don't want to become a total introvert. I have been told by my mother that even my grandad would avoid public bars, even when his friend's invited him, he had a large collection of books and studied geology.
Back to work and I was feeling tired as usual, but with a sense of new found strength whereas previously I would find myself irritated and angst most days prior to a weeks vacation the previous week before I sold my classic car. I would usually find that I would desperately long for the end of my shift so I could regain my composure, having wasted valuable energy bickering with fellow work mates, and masquerading my true identity fearing it will not be respected by my associates who have a unhealthy dedication to the stock controller position. I find that when your are a quiet person, you get pestered by some people who feel threatened by it, they think you may dislike them or as another workmate said 'you get asked what's wrong?', this is not major problem until you encounter obnoxious inquisitors who come across as threatening.
My new found strength from my financial gain has allowed me to proceed with my writing hobbies, art studies and harmonica learning, I now feel content enough to manage my savings for the future and have a prospectus with good friends and girlfriends I have accumulated over the last several years of weeding out the bad seeds. I believe I have a good sense of character and none of my friends expect constant favours from me, manage their own interests and are there when I need someone to listen. I usually spend some of my leisure time reading, drawing and with music in the background, I believe the majority of people on this site have an intense appreciation for music so I will express my opinions freely. On the weekend after feeling satisfied with my recent achievements, I was listening to some hiphop instrumentals which include some nice samples of harps, violins, bass guitar strumming and saxophones, I then had a moment of clarity, almost like spiritual enlightenment, without wandering off the subject but I still feel it is relevent to the awareness that comes with slience.
During work now I feel I no longer have to worry as such, because I now have too much planning to do for the future, I can be regularly found caught in deep thought(I been 'told off' numerous times for daydreaming) and have never really been a argumentative person so I believe I can avoid a lot of things that would have caused me distress in the past. I am not concerned about my popularity in work, honest and genuine people will surround me unless they consider me 'anti-social' or do not respect my individuality. I can achieve my objectives during my schedule because I respond when instructed, try and be polite when engaged in conversation and avoid intrusive behaviour, preferring to analyse exactly what is said to me and dismiss insults.
The last few days have been so satisfactory, I have found that certain people who would have normally tried to downpress my mood because of difference in personality, no longer have anything in their arsenal to inflict upon me. They have seen me grow over the last year and manifest my indentity and I feel in a position to demand the respect I derserve. I find myself continuing with the job at hand and retreating to my inner structure of security, so quiet that I often feel as though I am dissapearing completely and to me it is reminiscant of the film I reviewed Cashback where Ben freezes time.
I rarely participate in the serious topics amongst the hubpages forum, having noticed lots of heated debates and people getting banned for personal remarks, I would like to refer to one thread in particular which was entitled something along the lines of 'Why do people argue on forum?'.
Soren Kierkegaard was a Danish Philosopher, Theologist and Psychiatrist during the 1800's and his philosophical work concentrates mainly on the issues of how one conducts their daily lives, focusing on the priority of concrete human reality over abstract thinking and highlighting the importance of freedom of choice and commitment. He once commented of someone who talks or writes too much, saying ' If he had kept quiet, he would of remained a philosopher'.
To take the subject off my personal experiences I would like to conclude by discussing one of the great writers of the 20th Century, Moxon Garbutt. If we bear in mind what Soren just said, we can appreciate what Moxon Garbutt tried to portray in his work. Moxon Garbutt was born into a moderately wealthy family of stock-merchants in 1890 and would later attend a philosophy degree at Cambridge university. He expressed himself as an individual at school, or better still 'didn't express' by being completely silent, refusing to undertake any task demanded by teachers or lecturers. During his Final degree exam Garbutt remained sat, arms folded glaring at his Tutor without blinking an eye for 3 hours, when asked to explain his stance, he turned on heel and exited the exam room. Garbutt was later awarded a first-class degree, regardless of not handing in a paper and without a single word written because the examiner was so impressed and noted him upon his recommendation.
Silence is Golden - Tremoloes
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