Old Age Ain't for Sissies
Old Age Ain’t for Sissies
I had a birthday recently and since I am now at an age that is older than dirt, I began to think about old age and the way we look at aging in America. We label older people as “senior citizens” or “retirees” and treat them generally in one of two ways: with disdain for what we believe is their insufficient knowledge of technology, or with pity for trying to keep up appearances in a world they no longer fit nor understand. Remember when the elderly were treated with respect, reverence and veneration? No longer. Now it’s “Go home to your shuffleboard, your horseshoes, your knitting and your needlepoint, and leave technology and the Internet to the young who are computer and Wii-proficient.”
The young don’t know it yet but “old age ain’t for sissies.” – Bette Davis.
I’ve discovered a marvelous way to fight agism and disrespect – with the powerful weapons of humor and laughter. Milton Berle once said, “Laughter is an instant vacation.” Amen. So keep in mind that an optimist laughs to forget while a pessimist forgets to laugh, and join me in laughing at these funny “old age” one-liners.
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.
Gray hair is God’s graffiti.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
Don’t worry about senility. When you become senile, you won’t know it.
If you live to be 100, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
At my age, flowers scare me.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
Nice to be here! At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
He’s so old that when he orders a 3-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
Note: When George Burns was in his 90s, he would often escort beautiful young ladies in their 20s to special events. When asked why he didn’t date women his own age, he responded, “There are no women my age!”
You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work … I want to achieve it through not dying.
The future ain’t what it used to be.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. - Jack Benny
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. - Mark Twain
Oh, to be 70 again! - Georges Clemenceau
Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a Peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look, and pulled down the shade. - Joan Rivers
You know you’re getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work. - Hy Gardner
I refuse to admit I’m more than 52, even if that does make my sons illegitimate. - Lady Nancy Astor
After the age of 80, everything reminds you of something else. - Lowell Thomas
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Anne Bancroft
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. - Groucho Marx
You know you’re getting old when all the names in your black book have M.D. after them. - Harrison Ford
I’d like to grow very old as slowly as possible. - Charles Lamb
To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am. - Bernard Baruch
Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese. - Billie Burke
I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s: the temperature, the ages, and the IQs. - George Carlin
For three days after death, hair and finger nails continue to grow. But phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson.
My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle. - Henny Youngman
There is still no cure for the common birthday. - John Glenn
What most people consider as virtue, after the age of 40 is simply a loss of energy. - Voltaire
The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain. - Chinese proverb
My favorite old age one-liners
Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional.
Gray hair is inherited. We get it from our children.
Children are a great comfort in your old age … and they help you reach it faster, too.
Three things happen to warn you of advancing age. The first is you lose your memory … and I can’t remember the other two.
If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you are getting old. Squash their toes with your rocking chair.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray, wrinkled, and bald that they don’t recognize you.
By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. The hard part is remembering it.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional.
Old age is far, far better than the alternative!
If you know any other great, funny one-liners about old age, please tell me about them in a comment and I’ll be happy to respond. Thanks.
© Copyright BJ Rakow 2011. All rights reserved.
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