Are You A Big P.A.I.N. ?

Source

Passive Agressive Incongruent Negatron?

Am I?

I would venture to say, comfortably, that all of us have experienced a person who suffers from P.A.I.N. and have used this behavior to be a P.A.I.N., as well. Being passive agressive is not a mental illness, in itself, but is often a factor that goes, hand in hand, with other illnesses. It presents a larger problem when it is extreme.

The passive aggressive person hurts himself and others by being unable to truly communicate what they are feeling. This person may be angry and instead of voicing their real problem, they will hide behind insults slung like arrows then try to remove them with a chuckle. It's the person who snubs you and then hides behind the shadow of a joke. It's that incongruent co-worker who smiles and tells you they are happy to help you with your work load - but never does because secretly they are hostile.

Passive aggressive people tend to be very negative. They may try to avoid confrontation by pretending they are not angry even though everyone including themselves knows that they clearly are. This person will try to get under your skin. They may like creating drama to avoid work tasks. This person is the one that is always right. 'Their Way' is the only correct way to do things.

All of us resort to some of these traits from time to time and that is completely normal. One of the problems with this communication problem is that you can not resolve your problems if you will not admit there is one and discuss it. Therefore, feelings of anger and hostility may reflect negatively and keep that person from growing in and outside of their own head.

If no problem exists - a resolution is not possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is an example that I encountered in the workplace:

(The setting is a laboratory and the boss walks in with 6 technologists writing reports at a table)

Big P.A.I.N. : Lucy and Kelly, I want you to take the research polygraph machine apart and clean it.

Me: What did I do? Fine....I will do it in the back room and listen to music while I fight the beast.

Lucy: (giggles and smiles) Ok! Sure! That won't be a problem!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The big pain left the lab and little pain told me with open hostility that she wasn't going to do it and I could do it myself the second the boss let the door close behind her. The only problem is that little pain didn't realize big pain quietly came back and heard every word she said. Little pain ended up "resigning" shortly after as big pain now kept a close eye on her.

I am the agressive person - I always have the issue of saying what is on my mind and I don't candy coat things. It gets me into trouble but I like to cut to the chase. The drama that comes with the word games and mysterious innuendos make me tired. I don't want to have to think so hard about what someone really "means". It can be exhausting and way too high maintenance.

No, no...nothing's wrong!

Source
Source

"Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict - alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternative to violence." ~Dorothy Thompson

What to do?

If you recognize this trait in yourself or others, first of all, put it into perspective. It is a common behavior that everyone who is human experiences but if it destroys your relationships and stunts communication with the people you love, you may need to re-assess your feelings.

A passive aggressor is usually very good at arguing and blaming other's for their unhappiness. This person is also probably a very good fighter and has been doing this most of their lives so put the boxing gloves down. Pushing you to the point of frustration is what this person thrives on - don't let them feed off of your emotions. Try using rationality and open discussion. It may be difficult but approach this person with gentle questions or allow them to feel as if they have control and ask for their opinion if a problem rises. Ask that person if they can offer a good resolution to a complaint.

If you see this behavior is destroying your relationships you may want to seek therapy. Anger is a natural human emotion and normal people do not stop caring about others for expressing their anger and frustration. If there are two or more people in one room - there will be conflict. It is natural and unavoidable but how you deal with conflict will determine a big part of your happiness. Unresolved issues are just bad seeds waiting to sprout. As soon as the conditions are right - add water and they will grow.

To continue to smother feelings will not extinguish the fire. It will just serve as kindling for a long smoldering, future fire. Not only will you feel the heat but everyone around you might as well.

Don't be a big P.A.I.N.! If you are angry about something the issue will not resolve itself. Passive aggressive behavior can and will destroy relationships. Put yourself and those around you at ease - just tell us how you feel!

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Comments 71 comments

barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

Hmmmm.... so it is my way or the highway....

I doon't like confrontation.....

OMG - I might be a PAIN!!!!

Ok - seriously, this is great information. I guess I never looked at situations like this. However, I really don't like confrontation. I don't like the drama it can lead to or hurting othes feelings. But then again, I am usually pretty good about saying what is on my mind if I feel strongly about it. Most other times I will let it slide because I don't like the confrontation. Great information like always. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

Now - anytime I see this... I am just going to tell people they are a PAIN... or would that in turn make me a PAIN... ha ha


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

Well one thing I'm sure of is that I'm not a P.A.I.N. but I'm known to be a pain! I'm to vocal and opinionated to be a P.A.I.N. and when I do recognize this trait in someone I care about I try to snap them out of it! Awesome hub, it's good to get the word out that P.A.I.N.'s can be helped but pain's will probably always be pain's in the butts. Proceed to VOTE UP!!!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

BBG - I'm LOL at you - I knew for sure you would crack me up about this one:) haha! I had to do it! Lol. But I swear....haven't you come into contact with these people? Like you know something is wrong but if you ask them so you can make it better they deny it and then make little mean innuendos or sling insults and say, "I was only joking!" I hate that! I don't like conflict but I'd rather have the uncomfortable conversation and move past it, you know?

Well I am a huge pain for bringing it up in the first place! Haha!


Man from Modesto profile image

Man from Modesto 4 years ago from Kiev, Ukraine (formerly Modesto, California)

I used to be grumpy at times that really made no sense. I would be angry when it was not to my benefit at all. At times, maybe even most of the time, I could remain in control and run my team, squad or platoon very well (Marines) or run my businesses while becoming well liked in the community. But, when it counted- with a girlfriend, for example, a suspicious action would stir up aggressive emotions.

Only after I fully came to know Jesus, and to trust Him as a real being (escaped religion first), did I really find Peace. Jesus is called the 'Prince of Peace.' When He comes into your life, peace comes as well.

I also had to get some personal healing. This happened through prayer. He even showed me in a dream everything that happened (which was repressed) when I was a boy, and all the things in my life that were happening as a direct result of those events, which had spiritual consequences. I had to go through forgiving others and also deliverance. After that, I generally have peace all the time. I laugh a lot and rarely use strong words.

When others misbehave, I only feel compassion for them; I know they have their own inner pain, and need to heal.

I think 90% of everyone needs some personal healing before they can find peace, and treat others with love.

Peace, MFM


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Sunshine tou are much too rational and reality based to be a P.A.I.N.! And you are right...most of the time people can easily spot other people's issues but it's hard to look at our own. So yep - the real P.A.I.N.'s may not see this in themselves but I sure hope they can open up and laugh with the rest of us!!

Thanks so much sunny! Lol


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK

I really like your approach in this very interesting hub, and I really like the advice you’ve given for dealing with people exhibiting passive aggression. I mean this bit in particular:

"It may be difficult but approach this person with gentle questions or allow them to feel as if they have control and ask for their opinion if a problem rises. Ask that person if they can offer a good resolution to a complaint.”

People behave with passive aggression because of fear, and when we respond with compassion it reduces their fear, so what you suggest is just great! Your kindness shines through.


angela p profile image

angela p 4 years ago from Richmond, Virginia

I am always getting in trouble for saying what is on my mind. My husband is a PAIN I think. He does not like confrontation when I tell him it is the only way to resolve the problem. It has to be discussed and dealt with or it will end up simmering and explode at a later time. Great hub and lord yes I know many co-workers like this. Had a boss like this and is the reason I am a stay at home mom now. LOL.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi MFM and first let me say thank you so much for serving our country!! I am so glad that you were able to find peace in your life no matter which route you used to gain it. (i.e., Church, Therapy, Self Help) It makes life so much more fun when we can take the gloves off and be real.

Thanks also for such a great, positive comment that I know many will relate to!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Melovy - you are obviously a very smart cookie! Yes putting another person on defense is not going to help. If we back others into corners - reflecting their flaws - they will only come out fighting. If we get into the corner with them a little it might be the real key to helping them relax and find out that they are valued even if they get mad from time to time!

Thank you so much!


meganlsmith3 profile image

meganlsmith3 4 years ago from Texas

Very good hub with useful information. But I do know someone like this and she is really hard to be around most of the time. Thanks for the advice of how to deal with her.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi Angela P - I am somewhat passive agressive too - and I was thinking about this - when we are at work we are NOT supposed to be rude to others and we are NOT supposed to create drama. I think the environment kind of breeds the behavior because you really are restricted from saying what you would like to! You know?

My husband is a big P.A.I.N. :) haha! I think men in general are much less communicative than females - vocally. Most of my husbands behavior is non-verbal! But - that is probably a great example of how our dysfunctions work well together:) lol I am the mouth - he is the ear! haha!


Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 4 years ago from USA or America

Okay Kelly, I read your article about being a P.A.I.N, however, I don't fall into your perspective view as such. Again, as I said on Facebook, you're unable to get around the rationality of "passive" and "aggressive" are opposites of one another. Therefore, they cannot be put together. That in and of itself isn't a rational conversation, if you attempt to say it is, no matter "how" you dress it up and make it appear.

Therefore, it's an illusion based on poor perception, which derives from the lack knowledge and wisdom to begin with. I will give you a vote up for your attempt. ;)


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi Megan - I know what you mean. It can get really tiring because rationality does not matter. I have worked with people who plot and plan the next statement they are going to make to someone they hate - now couldn't they find a more fun way to spend time! I wonder how terrible it must feel to have all those miserable emotions going on in the back ground all the time. Thanks so much for the comment!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi Cagsil! Thank you SO much for reading - commenting and even though I knew you disagreed to begin with! lol I would love to see more from you on this. I do see what you mean now - like it's an oxymoron? And you know I am not and never would be a smart aleck - I do admit I have lots of trouble understanding all things non tangible! lol But here is what I think they mean:

Passive behavior is that the person is angry but quietly will not admit it to you - or they smile and offer help!

The agressive behavior that is hidden is that they ARE angry and DO feel hostile toward another. The lie - and the hostility behind the denial is the agression. Or for the guy who smiles and says they will help - the agressive behavior is in withholding that help!

So what do you think?

Oh and thank you so much for always being the voice of reason! Everyone learns from it.


Dorsi profile image

Dorsi 4 years ago from The San Francisco Bay Area

AWESOME hub. My husband is PA, I don't know how I have managed to survive these 23 years. Mainly by tuning out the negative and not feeding the beast. sigh....

I think it is more common than alot of people realize. I also think it has alot to do with the way he was raised. His dad is PA too.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi Dorsi! Thank you SO much! Sorry about your husband:) lol. I know what you mean though and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that men are socialized NOT to express emotion or feeling! It wouldn't be sexy:) haha!

Well I'm going on 18 years myself! But 23 is Suoer impressive so I am guessing you know well how to use the kid gloves with your beast:) lol.

Thanks again!


Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 4 years ago from USA or America

That's the thing though Kelly. If someone is "angry" inside, then proceeds to aid or assist someone else, then it's obvious that the "anger" isn't directed at that individual, but is at self. Therefore it wouldn't be aggressive, but is a passive anger. If a person is "angry" and refuses to admit it to someone, then their actions will prove out whether or not they are honest or dishonest, with either or both people(You and/or self).

A passive anger can eat at people if they don't deal with "why" they are angry to begin with and at times, that angry can manifest itself into aggressive actions, which would then mean that it's no longer passive. ;) :D


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I do totally agree with that perspective! I do think it hurts the self and I do think it is a way of lying. I'm not sure it's always even obvious to the person though....I think they lie to themselves as well.

I think you are saying all of the arrows are directed at the self and I think the aggressive part is in the hurting of the person they won't level with. Thank you so much for your comments! I do appreciate them and your time!


mythicalstorm273 profile image

mythicalstorm273 4 years ago

The Way I have always understood passive aggressive is this... it means that the person is fighting(aggressive) while not directly confronting the situation (passive). In short it means that they are openly happy, friendly, or otherwise, while behind closed doors they are angry, bitter, rude, and mean. They say what they do not mean in an attempt to hide the aggressive part, but are very sarcastic and fake about the 'nice' things they say. The way I always thought about it really was pictured perfectly in your funny video that you included! I really enjoyed this!! I am passive aggressive to a certain degree though. Always have been. The worst part is I know it and am constantly trying to work on getting rid of it, but it is not easy to do. I am expected to be friendly and happy towards all sorts of people and I do it very well. Even with family and friends. Then when I am home I complain and b*tch about goodness knows what. I smile through the lies and I am good at it! Part of me believes that is it also a part of my desire to please everybody. In an attempt to make everybody happy most people do not know when I am unhappy with them. My sarcasm has become the way I talk and now although there is a difference in my mind, there is no difference in my voice. Now to make everything clear, just because I feel this way does not mean that I hate any of the people that I do this to... I just need to bite my tongue a lot. The things I let slip are the nice aggressive things. Like I said though, I am working on changing this part of me. I have been working on it for about 5 years now and I have made A LOT of progress, but it is still there. Another part of the problem is that I hide so much of who I am from most people that I can't help but hide my true reactions as well. It is very complicated and I imagine many other people have similar experiences. The bright side for me is that I care about people so much that I try not to hurt people when things slip out. I watch everything I say and do... the BIG downside is that Darrel receives a lot of the residual anger and complaints. In fact he is the reason I have been attempting to change for the last 5 years. I realized how much I hated that I did that to him and so it began. Anyways... GREAT HUB!! You are on a role :-) I love reading what you write and what you come up with every time!!! You are really an amazing writer :-)


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 4 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Oh, heck - I was born a Payne and I've grown up to become a P.A.I.N. Hahahahhahaha


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi Myth! I think everyone suffers from PAIN occasionally but the fact that you see the behavior in yourself and do not like it - puts you way ahead of the game! And as I said earlier - it is hard NOT to succumb to these tactics at work because we are NOT supposed to say truthful things to people - we would be fired! We are socialized to "turn the other cheek" or to "be the bigger person". We are supposed to not let personality infect us in the work place. The problem is no matter how hard we try not to care about other people's words - WE DO! We are not machines and no amount of money will turn us into that - so when we are in private situations those complaints come out. I don't think you have the amount of negativity it takes to be a real P.A.I.N.:) And the fact that you deal with it and can be rational is so healthy it excludes you! lol

A degree is normal - extremes or refusal to see things that you don't like about yourself are when these things will cause the most issues.

I am still pondering the work place though because what would it be like if people constantly confronted each other? Or were completely honest...might be fun to watch! haha!

Thank you so much Myth - you always provide awesome feedback!


Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago

What a pain!

I commented, and never went through!

I have to calm down and keep it passive(grr!)

Nice topic by the way; you are openin g a Pandora Box and of course you have knocked some doors , right Cags?

LORD


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Austin - I wasn't born a Payne or a PAIN so I guess I am going to need another excuse! lol


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi Lord! Well my computer is being a PAIN! lol Well I have always known that if the Greek Gods had given me a treasure box and said, "Never open this!" Well...I'd be opening it as soon as I could pick the lock. Hmpf...Curiosity Killed the Cat but Satisfaction brought him back!

Thank you so much - for doing double time here!!


drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

Wherever there are people working together in the workplace, there is PAIN. You did a great job, Kelly, tackling this issue.

I also dealt with it in a series of four hubs called "Dealing with Difficult People." Part One explained how to deal with the "Aggressive Bull" and the Passive Aggressive "Sly Sneaky Snake" - my equivalent for your PAIN. Voted up, m'luv.


Sherry Hewins profile image

Sherry Hewins 4 years ago from Sierra Foothills, CA

That Passive Aggressive email Video is really funny. Nice hub too, thanks.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Ah Drbj - I am going right now to retrieve them and link them! Why did I not think of that?

I remember the Dealing wth Difficult People hub and loved it! Thank you so much for reminding me. I don't remember if I had the pleasure of reading Sly Sneaky Snake but I can tell I will love it already:) lol

I think everyone would enjoy them for sure!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi Sherry - thank you so much! I thought that video was so funny! And a perfect example of how passive aggression can work - I have seen the exact kind of thing in real life and I think that is what makes it so hilarious! lol


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

Do I know one... hmmm... oh wait... my husband is a PAIN... or is husbands just naturally falling under pain catergory... lol


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Drbj - I linked the first hub of the series and now I remember - Sly Sneaky Snake is IN there:) lol I am also going to link one of your fun personality tests!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

BBG - yeah - our husbands don't count really because no matter what - they will always be a pain:) haha! I am certain they think the same about us! haha!


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

You know it...LOL...


Spirit Whisperer profile image

Spirit Whisperer 4 years ago from Isle of Man

An interesting read and a brave one at that. Passive aggressive behaviour disorder is listed in the DSM-IV, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders which is the manual for the standard criteria used by mental health professionals for the diagnosis of mental disorders. You might find what it says helpful. Thank you.


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

Wow I loved this one; unique and amazing !!!

I have to award it an up up and away.

Take care and I wish you a wonderful New Year.

Eddy.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hey SW - thank you so much. I don't have the DSM but I did see there were about 7 or so traits and they said if someone had at least 5 of them...you know! Lol. I am curious and il try to see what I can pull up online. From what I gleaned they said PAPD is not mental illness alone but is usually a facet of other illnesses.

Thanks so much!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi Eiddwen - Thank you so much! Lol. I had a lot of fun with this one too.....hub is a great outlet for being able to investigate and report! Haha!


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 4 years ago from Jamaica

Kelly, I know quite a number of people like that. It's almost like they have a real problem expressing themselves. I had no idea it was a disorder.


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 4 years ago from Arlington, TX

RHW - I reckon I can be if I get riled up enough. And you?

Happy New Year

The Frog


kellymom1970 profile image

kellymom1970 4 years ago

Realhousewife,Vote up!HAPPY NEW YEAR! I think we all are to some point.Love your hubs. What do you think of my neighbor ladys new haircut for 2012 I gave her today. She is one hot mama, 47 with 3 kids and single.She went from shoulder length to military flattop.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

My second ex was passive-aggressive. It was bad enough at home, but the workplace proved disastrous. When he decided he was being persecuted by a couple of women at work, he'd mumble under his breath as they walked by that "he was going to kill them". Of course, they went to the boss regarding a hostile work environment. Lawyers were involved and he actually left the job, took another, only to repeat the cycle. After therapy together, I saw nothing was going to change. Combined with the alcohol, I was not going to give up any more of my life or sanity. I got out. He had good qualities, too. Intelligent, strong in a crisis, generous to a fault, esp at Christmas, but day to day was too exhausting, unpredictable and scary. Great article, Real. Thanks for addressing this prevalent malady and relationship destroyer. You do a great service in unraveling this frustrating issue and making it "real".


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Frog - I am all about keeping it real so I am not going to lie - I can be a BIG P.A.I.N. at times...I am a person who doesn't speak when she is very angry....but I try to let things settle down so I can take a good look at myself first to decide if I am the party who is being a jerk. You know?

At work...yes I did resort to passive aggressive means to deal with things sometimes.....I would have totally gotten fired if I tried to go getting all honest and stuff:) lol Like imagine me saying to my boss..."I understand that you are having a bad day but do not make me a victim of that.." oh...I did say that! LOL

I hope you have a terrific 2012!


Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago

Omg Kelly!! The real you came out! Sorry Dave!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Lord...ooops!!! Don't tell anyone else please!!


Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago

Don't worry My Friend, I got your back. Even I Cagsil asks me!!

Just keep it real, you know?


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I knew you would Lord - it would only be right! LOL

Oh and poor Dave...cluck, cluck, cluck!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi Kellymom! Happy New Year to you as well! I think the cut is amazing! Hey working in a sleep lab we loved shaved heads - much easier to tape the electrodes in rather than paste into hair! It would be a welcome trend for my friends that still work there:) lol


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hey Amy! Sounds like we might have been married to the same guy! LOL Hence - the EX part:)

It is a shame what we go through to learn these lessons. I was so young when I first got married that I was very easy to manipulate. I look back at that situation and it was like the little red riding hood marries the big bad wolf! I didn't see that I was being manipulated though and I always bought that I was the wrong one...until he started talking crazy! LOL He actually said to me, "I am the man! You are the Woman - you have to listen to me!" LOL And when I looked into those beautiful sky blue eyes I could see he believed that statement with his whole heart. I could talk to him until I was just as blue and he would have never listened though he would have been a happier person if he could have. I ran into him not long ago....hmmmm...seeing that he probably didn't live as happily as I did does not make me feel as good as I thought that it would. It is just sad.

But hey - here's looking to 2012 and a great year!!! I hope everything is going good for you and have been keeping my eye open for your byline! lol


Daffy Duck profile image

Daffy Duck 4 years ago from Cornelius, Oregon

I can't stand these people. I've worked with one who lied and got me fired. I went out with someone who posed as a caring person and showed who they truly were as passive aggressive.

I have no tolerance for these kinds of people. This may be a negative attitude, but that's what they bring out of me.

Really good hub.


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 4 years ago from North Carolina

Good subject to cover Kelly. Unfortunately, rationality and open discussions don't always help with some Pains. Course, its easier to deal with them than say a sneaky, back-stabbing, sociopath co-worker. I've got a mild case of OCD that I control about 95% of the time, its hardest to do when there's a major up-set about something serious, which is rare thank goodness.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi Daffy - nope...I think you are of the popular crowd in yes..having encountered a person like this and not liking it. It is tiresome to deal with. I don't have much tolerance for it either...but still I know that in most cases it is just easier to not get on the bad side of a coworker like that! I tried to stay as far away from that drama as I could...and removed my self if the conversation started bordering on a downhill slope I figured it is always best to not know ANYTHING that was supposed to be an office "secret!!!" lol Ahhhh the drama! Thanks so much!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi Alastar - Right..it doesn't always work at all but those are the kind of people that if you just stay away and leave them alone - they will shoot themselves in the foot eventually. My gram used to like to say, "give a person like that a rope and their are bound to hang themselves." She was super smart!

Hey - oh yeah - Happy New Year!!


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 4 years ago from North Carolina

Thanks Kelly, your grams passed down some good mitro DNA.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

She was a very interesting character!! LOL A hot grandmama! But she didn't put up with no foolishness out of us kids I tell ya:)

Thank you so much Alastar!


drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

Hust wanted to give you a newsflash, Kelly. Your PAIN hub is so useful and realistic, I have added it to my hub - "Assertive Training Course." Thanks to you, it is the perfect accompaniment.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Drbj - OMG Thank you so much! Wow! I sincerely appreciate that! I consider you the eyes of the net you know...I think you are so dead on with your voodoo that you do that you can see right though the web connection!

Thank you - wow!


Sharyn's Slant profile image

Sharyn's Slant 4 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

Hi Kel,

Excellent article and discussion in the comments. I won't say much here in my comments because I must hurry and send this to two family members. I just want things to be better for them . . thanks!

Sharyn


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hey Sharyn - well thank you so much for such a nice compliment! I hope the info does help - you are always welcome:)


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

I have to struggle against passive aggression. I've had many many roommates who were passive aggressive and it always creates a conflict. Thanks for sharing this article and providing healthy and helpful tips.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hey PDX - I think we all struggle - it isn't easy NOT to be passive agressive I think...but I recognize it when I do behave that way and I don't like it! LOL

Thanks so much for hopping over!


mythicalstorm273 profile image

mythicalstorm273 4 years ago

You would be so proud of me... today I was thinking about this hub ;-) lol. In all seriousness though. I can't help but wonder how other people might read my statements and then when I add a smiley I think... oh no, they might think I'm being sarcastic! lol. Just wanted to let you know what a deep impact this hub left on me! lol.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I'm so glad Myth - sometimes isn't it weird how you see a nugget of information right before you needed to know it?? LOL. I am so glad it helped - it took me a long time to recognize this trait in myself and others!! You're awesome and your smart:).


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

kelly, i don't like it either but when I'm tired or sick, it's way easier to revert to the old habit of passive aggressiveness


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

PDX - I wish I could vote you up on that comment:). I've got two sick kids right now!! The 23 year old asked me to drive over to fill her ice bag in the snow at 10:30 at night two nights ago....I said, ummmmmmm no! I love you but no - I will have to allow you to phone another friend or maybe ask the audience! She was having a little temper tantrum because her boyfriend wasn't moving fast enough.....I was thinking she was being a bit passive aggressive but I didn't actually say that! Lol.


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

lol... another reason not to have kids :-)


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hey PDX - oh there are many reasons not to have them! I do happen to love mine though and if they behave badly - well now too bad I didn't do a little better then, huh? haha!

The oldest girl took me to lunch not long ago and even picked up the tab - I think I might be starting to get a bit of a return on that one:) hahahaha!


stclairjack profile image

stclairjack 4 years ago from middle of freekin nowhere,... the sticks

strange,.... i always thought if i looked up the term "passive/agressive" i woulda found a picture of my ex mother-in-law.

great hub.


kelleyward 4 years ago

Great hub! Passive aggressive people often think their avoidance of the reality of the situation is being "nice" but really it's a way of avoiding the inevitable. Sometimes I think passive aggressive people are more controlling than we recognize. Voted up and useful!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Oh stclairjack - wait! Wonder if we were married to that same guy??? hahaha! He was married 3 times:) lol

thank you so much!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hi kelleyward - Oh I think PA people are very controlling - we tend to know that these people react badly to situations so the ones I have noticed in my world - nobody wants to take them on - because they are smoldering with hostility and will use every open window to vent. I know I use avoidance because it is so draining to deal with.

Thanks so much and avoid those big pain's out there:) lol


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Kelly....This is a very Complicated topic. You did an excellent job, as usual.

Although our friend cagsil makes a lot of sense explaining that passive/aggresive should not or cannot be used together since they are "opposites,"....P/A is, in fact, a term used in psychology. Literally, it is meant to describe outward behavior in an individual whose true inward feeling is contrary. Thus Cagsil is correct but "P/A" is merely the "short-cut" termonology used in place of a detailed sentence.

In that respect, for professionals it makes sense.....but when people use this, they are usually not using it in it's proper/medical definition.

I hope this makes some sense for those having a hard time with it. It's basically referring to "phonies." People with "acting abilities" that they use to save an image perhaps.

Rather foolish if you think about it because P/A behavior is fairly OBVIOUS!! LOL....

Excellent hub...once again, Kelly! You are definitely on a ROLL!!!!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hey fpherj48! I was just out to dinner and while I waited I read a few of your hubs! lol It was on my smart phone - so I couldn't comment unless I wanted to hunt and peck:) lol I even read the REALHOUSEWIFE one from a while back! haha - took forever to get my food! Thanks for the entertaiment!

I do think it is a really tough subject matter to dice up. It is a comfortable word we use kind of loosely to describe people who are irritating! lol Everyone I think gets the general concensus upon hearing the word - "he is passive aggressive?" ohh well he must be a pain in the butt:) haha!

Thank you so much! I appreciate your comments and humor:)

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