PERFECTIONISTS: Pleasure or Pain?

Perfectionist Gordon Ramsey
Perfectionist Gordon Ramsey

Misconceptions

We hear the word “perfectionist” and “perfectionism” thrown around almost daily. We use it generically, to amusingly describe a behavior in which we, or someone we know, has nit-picked or fine-tuned a task beyond the expected norm. We may refer to ourselves as perfectionists, apologetically or jokingly – to excuse, or offer explanation for why something we did is particularly detailed.

The truth is, real perfectionism is no laughing matter. While we may even jest about it ourselves, we are often covering up a stressful, and yes, even painful condition that we have little or no control over. It is a struggle, for many, including myself - every day.

Some who do not have perfectionist tendencies may not understand what a perfectionist is. They may assume, from the name – that it means that one literally thinks that they do things perfectly, or that they are capable of doing things perfectly. While perfectionists may excel in areas, this assumption generally is far from the truth.

Many perfectionists are, in fact, unhappy, much of the time – because they believe that whatever the current task at hand is, it did not get done to it’s best (ideal, “perfect” potential). Perfectionists are often the opposite of what they want to be - disorganized, feeling out-of-control, and will procrastinate important priorities in order to achieve perfection on another, less important task. Their own perceived failure to achieve the desired perfection, often results in feelings of frustration, and even low self-worth. Consequently, the perfectionist moves from one task to another, hoping to achieve the desired effect- sometimes feeling satisfied, sometimes not – but not ever achieving what is what we seek most in our lives - contentment and peace.

What Exactly is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism, simply defined in psychological terms, is a belief that perfection can and should be attained. There is different degrees of perfectionism, beginning with a slight idiosyncratic tendency, and others suffering from extreme pathological levels, when the perception is that perfection will NEVER be attained and anything less is unacceptable. In extrem cases, the individual constantly suffers by engaging in fruitless efforts to achieve what ultimately cannot, be achieved.

Hamachek (cited by Parker & Adkins 1994) describes two types of perfectionism. Normal perfectionists "derive a very real sense of pleasure from the labors of a painstaking effort" while neurotic perfectionists are "unable to feel satisfaction because in their own eyes they never seem to do things good enough to warrant that feeling". Burns (also in Parker & Adkins 1994) defines perfectionists as "people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment".[1]

Most of us that categorize ourselves as perfectionists fall somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. Whatever the severity – I speak from experience in saying that it is an uncomfortable place to be in. While temporary from one task to the next, it often causes unnecessary stress– whether or not the outcome is positive or negative.

Perfectionist Hillary Clinton
Perfectionist Hillary Clinton

Is There Such a Thing as "Good" Perfectionism?

This is debatable, because while there is such a thing as “healthier” levels of perfectionism, all perfectionism can obstruct us from successes in life. On the positive side - perfectionism can drive people to accomplishments and provide the motivation to persevere in the face of discouragement and obstacles.

Some studies show that some driven perfectionists are less likely to procrastinate; but that usually means for a specific task they are driven to complete. High-achieving athletes, scientists, and artists often show signs of perfectionism. Perfectionism is associated with giftedness in children. There are many successful, famous, and wealthy perfectionists. Another name has been given to highly functioning and perceived “successful” perfectionists: INTJ, or Introverted- Intuitive-Thinking –Judging, which you can read more about here: http://www.typelogic.com/intj.html

Functioning perfectionists are viewed as talented, persevering, charming, admirable, smart, and have specific talents in given areas that other’s admire. This is where I believe the misconceptions begin. What others don’t see, is the discomfort that the person endures during the process of attaining their goals (and in the perfectionists eyes, they've usually not attained it completely to their satisfaction). Often others perceive the perfectionist as being “humble” because they make self-deprecating comments, such as “oh, I could have done better” or "it's not my best". The reality is, they are frustrated that they worked so hard and didn’t finish, or truly believe that the task (and subconciously, themselves) is not quite good enough.

Ask any of these highly driven, successful (sometimes famous) perfectionists if they have reached contentment or peace in their life – and I’m not sure you would get a definitive answer.

Another Perfectionist - Howie Mandell
Another Perfectionist - Howie Mandell

What's So Bad About Perfectionism?

Perfectionism in itself is not necessarily a bad thing. But often what happens, is that one becomes so focused on the task at hand, they fail to view the bigger picture as it needs to be seen. Or worse, they inadvertently neglect things that may be equally or more important that the task in which they are engaging. This can trickle into career, family, marriage, and other relationships.

In example, while a perfectionist may be good at their job, they may never be promoted because they are unable to “let go” of things that they perceive they can do better (more perfect). Perfectionists have trouble with delegation, and often are not effective multi-taskers (although they may think they are). This is because they are focused on what they do. While they may be praised for a job well done, they may find themselves limited to middle management or lower because of their inability to broaden the scope of their perspective. More disappointing, is that the perfectionist may never be told these things, and will feel a subliminal low self-worth due to their immobility. They will continue attempts to perform their already-near-perfect-work even more perfectly, to no result.

Perfectionists are their own worst critics, as well. This causes a great many problems, because what many people may view as normal “constructive criticism”, a perfectionist takes to great heart. You may have experienced trying to help someone that was a perfectionist improve on something that was obvious to you – only to met with hostility, defensiveness, or hurt feelings. This is because the perfectionist has already spent a lifetime recovering mentally from their “always trying to measure up” wounds from childhood, and their current “I’m not perfect but try every day” quest to overcome those old wounds.

Perfectionists have difficulty hearing anything negative from a peer, family member or friend. It is largely rooted in the cause of their perfectionism, and every comment about their performance forces them to revisit their feelings of potential inadequacy.

Perfectionists may suffer from depression, anxiety – and often engage in addictive behaviors to relieve their unending stress, including alcoholism, eating disorders, and drugs. Many perfectionists have OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) combined with perfectionism, and some are even suicidal. How often have you heard of a celebrity that this happened to? You may have thought, “but I don’t understand, they were so successful”. Just take a look at this list of perfectionist athletes with current or former eating disorders:

http://www.casapalmera.com/articles/stories-of-famous-athletes-with-eating-disorders/

What Causes Perfectionism?

Generally, perfectionism runs in families. More painful cases are often a result of having highly authoritative parents, or parents that are narcissistic and offer only conditional love. There is too much to cover on these subjects, so I will save details on that for another article.

Me - a perfectionist, daughter of a perfectionist, &  my firstborn son, still another
Me - a perfectionist, daughter of a perfectionist, & my firstborn son, still another

The Good News: A Note to My Readers

I have done a significant amount of self-healing in therapy and through books over the years to learn about this condition and it’s causes. Were it not for that work in counseling, I would not be the successful person I am today (nor would I be able to say the words "I am successful"). Most importantly, I know I am practicing behaviors in my parenting style that will be better for my children, so they do not suffer- and will be raised in an environment where their presence will be celebrated and they (hopefully) will enjoy positive self-esteem.

If you are suffering from levels of perfectionism that cause you to be distracted from a good quality of life, I highly recommend you seek professional counseling and work on your family of origin. With awareness, hard work, and a willingness to change, you can be even more successful in your life than you ever dreamed. You can learn to use your personality trait to your advantage, and learn how to manage the stress so it doesn’t overtake your life.

Your children will exhibit signs of perfectionism at a very young age. It is important to educate yourself and be equipped for helping him or her learn how to use this trait positively and to cope with their feelings. If you don’t work on it for yourself, do it for your children. There are some good resources at Amazon that I've posted above, and additional sources on the web - some of which I've posted links to below. Your children will be grateful.

[1] Parker, W. D. & Adkins, K. K. (1994). Perfectionism and the gifted. Roeper Review, 17 (3), 173-176.

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Comments 15 comments

Paul Mobley 8 years ago

Though brief, I think you have examined the subject well. Another problem is that we may perform a task to near perfection today, and that is enough. Tomorrow is another day and the level may go up for us, but it should never become pathological. Doing our best each day is a good rule to remember. Good article, and well done.


mrs know it all profile image

mrs know it all 8 years ago from The Windy City Suburbs Author

Thank you Paul, for your comments. It is a difficult subject to summarize! I suspect many readers and hubbers here suffer from at least some form of this. Good points, I like the rule.


stephhicks68 profile image

stephhicks68 8 years ago from Bend, Oregon

Yikes! I read a hub about... me! Yes, I suffer from this, and truly do suffer. I procrastinate and cannot move onto the next task because the first one is not good enough. I berate myself endlessly for not being perfect. And what did you say about criticism? Oh yes! True, true. Thanks for a great article. I will come back and check out those links and books. I need a refresher course! Thanks!


mrs know it all profile image

mrs know it all 8 years ago from The Windy City Suburbs Author

Steph, thanks for stopping in. It's nice for us to know we're not alone, especially here. Here's to healing, every day. :)


Blogger Mom profile image

Blogger Mom 8 years ago from Northeast, US

Ah, I go through phases of perfectionism. Does that count? One week I aim for perfect, the next week I'm satisfied with just getting by. Hopefully that means I've created a happy medium for myself. =) Thanks for the great info!


MasonsMom profile image

MasonsMom 8 years ago from U.S.A.

Well written and revealing article! I am a perfectionist as well (so is my Mom) and so many aspects of this article spoke to me. Only recently have I become aware that my perfectionism could be dragging me down a bit--I've always thought it was a good thing.

I won't start a project unless I know I can finish it--and finish it correctly. If that means letting something pile up until it's unbearable and even ridiculous, then I'll let it go until I have time and effort to do it the "right" way.

Also, I just want to forward this to my boss and say--See--it's not my fault! :) LOL


mrs know it all profile image

mrs know it all 8 years ago from The Windy City Suburbs Author

Blogger Mom, I'd say it counts if your desire to be perfect, when you are feeling that way - causes you stress. So you get my sympathy vote, if that's the case. :) I think having children forces us to loosen up a bit, if we truly want to be good parents. Sounds to me like you do that. It could have gotten worse and you chose a different path. Glad you've found balance.

Masons Mommy, I hear you on the piling up of projects because the thought of them being half a**ed just won't do. For that very reason, I'm LOL b/c my very highest pile is one that you are a perfectionist at - PHOTOGRAPHS! I have (seriously), two huge plastic underbed containers full of photos that, one day, I will "perfectly" organize into those beautiful scrapbooks you are so good at. Hopefully your hubs will still be here when I'm up for the task.. =)

Thank you for your comments, it is so nice to hear your perspectives.


MOmmagus 8 years ago

I love Hell's Kitchen with psycho Gordan Ramsey. Sure, he could probably change with mental health treatment and lots of medication, but then the show would suck! good hub.


mrs know it all profile image

mrs know it all 8 years ago from The Windy City Suburbs Author

Mommagus, I couldn't agree more (grinning)


LdsNana-AskMormon profile image

LdsNana-AskMormon 8 years ago from Southern California

Thank you. I really enjoyed this hub about the problems of perfectionism. I can't say that I am a perfectionist, but perhaps a wanna be at times. lol

Better yet, I have found that allowing myself a bit of space for my many imperfections, is more on the healthy side of life for me.

It helps keep me sane:-)

tDMg

LdsNana-AskMormon


Idris 7 years ago

Good and very revealing article! I am a perfectionist as well (so is my daughter) and so many aspects of this article spoke about me. Only recently have I become aware that my perfectionism could be dragging me down a bit--I've always thought it been a good thing.

I always make my boss regret with my idea. All the marvellous ideas has up to his head but I did not accomplish and to make him proud out of it. I love to judge people negatively for no reason, which I should look at a brighter side of a person, his bad things.


alittlebitcrazy profile image

alittlebitcrazy 7 years ago

Interesting hub. I think everyone has a little bit of perfectionism in them. I think I have too much. Thanks for the fun read!


bob 6 years ago

perfectionism sucks


Risa 6 years ago

I am married to a perfectionist, for 28 years. His family is this way and they all have OCD. His mother is a hoarder. He has damaged both our relationship, and the relationships he has with both of his sons. He will not get help. I am at my wits end. He has a lot of redeaming qualities, thus the 28 years, but his need to be in control is just driving me crazy. And I can't talk to him about any of it cause it just makes him angry. He refuses to ever apologize or recognize any error on his part. I know that he doesn't want to be this way, but he can't help himself. He can no longer handle any stress in his life and because of that he is paralized. An so am I!


Katrina 5 years ago

Reading this made me feel good about myself that I am not crazy after all! It's comforting to know that there are people like me who suffer setbacks from being a perfectionist.

The sad thing about being a control freak is that satisfaction doesn't come handy, because no matter what I do even if I've given all my best, I will always feel that it's not enough or that I could have done so much better.

I will not elaborate further but I do get agitated with the smallest of tasks when it's not done the way I like it. With this OC behavior, I have the tendency to neglect more important tasks because I like doing everything to perfection in all aspects of my life, whether big or small.

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