Ten things English people don't know about America

This scooter needs an additional team of four shire horses (out of shot) to pull the lady along
This scooter needs an additional team of four shire horses (out of shot) to pull the lady along

1 • Not All Americans Are Obese

Although acknowledged as the obesity capital of the world, not everyone in America is grossly overweight. For instance, Bobby Lardsome, a prisoner on Death Row in a maximum security penitentiary in Iowa, convicted of stealing his mom's apple pie, has a BMI of only 1.5, and weighs just 38 pounds more than he should.

Bobby has been on hunger strike for two years in protest at the harsh sentence he received.

Some Americans are not obese or overweight at all, but merely appear so. This is caused by some food intolerances or standing too close to pundits and breathing in second hand hot air, causing a sometimes permanent inflation.

Look at the lovely bright colour
Look at the lovely bright colour

2 • Americans do have a sense of humour

It is a misconception of English people that Americans have no sense of humour. There are many famous American humourists, such as film maker Woody Allen and stand-up comedian George W Bush.

A popular TV comedy programme, The Simpsons, is actually written by Americans. However, most of the jokes are too sophisticated for its audience, who are merely attracted to its use of bright primary colours.

Also, I have heard Americans who can take a joke against themselves or their country. However, I have only seen these people on TV, so have no idea whether these are real people or actors working from a script. But they laughed good-naturedly when their country was mocked, neither screaming in indignation or reaching for a handgun or threatening to invade the joker's own country.

3 • Some Americans are allergic to apple pie

Gluten intolerance is becoming more prevalent, but it is simply that, an intolerance and not an allergy. The same can be said of malic acid, found in apples, which causes suffers who ingest it to inflate and expand temporarily. On their own, gluten or malic acid ingestion are rarely fatal.

However, a combination of the two can have a devastating effect, causing a hideous unnatural bloating in the sufferer, often mistaken for obesity. This can be cured by the medical combination of vegetable oil and potato, often administered orally in the form of 'fries'.

The world
The world

4 • Not all Americans are ignorant of geography

Some Americans have travelled abroad, some on holiday or vacation and some to the trouble spots of the world. This latter is for the purpose of 'peacekeeping', which translates as invading other countries and shooting people.

When they travel on holiday or vacation to Europe, it is much like a quick shopping trip. They dash from capital city to capital city, taking in Madrid, London, Rome and Paris. Here they dash around from shop to shop, from landmark to monument, pausing only to take pictures of Japanese tourists taking pictures of each other.

Wrong shape
Wrong shape

5 • Americans play football

But they call it 'Sokkah', to differentiate between football and what they call American Football, at which they are world champions. This is not played with a ball at all, but with a sort of squashed synthetic leather egg. 'Footegg' doesn't have the same ring to it, does it? They are also world champions at baseball, a form of rounders which is also only played in America.

The American football team have actually appeared at the World Cup finals, but were primarily allowed in only to boost Coca-Cola sponsorship and make up the numbers alongside world football colossuses such as Luxembourg and the People's Republic of Kazkryznistan.

American football is played by little men who are no taller than 4' 6", weighing no more than 120 pounds. These little men are dressed in a bizarre costume, resembling a cross between gladiators and cross-country motorcyclists. When fully costumed, they stand at over 6' and weigh around 225 pounds. Curiously, the foot is seldom involved and most of the action occurs with one of the little guys running along with the little egg thing under his arm until he is attacked by members of the opposition. Then everyone falls over and a commercial for Coca-Cola is shown on TV.

Semi-Americans dressed as non-Americans
Semi-Americans dressed as non-Americans

6 • There are no real Americans

There are Native Americans, Afro-Americans, Irish Americans, Italian-Americans and Young Americans, an isolated community who worship David Bowie, living as though it was still 1974, eschewing CDs in favour of old vinyl and watching Betamax video tapes

It takes less muscles to smile than to frown
It takes less muscles to smile than to frown

7 • They really mean it when they say "Have a nice day".

It's true. Also when a waiter or waitress delivers your large fries and tells you to 'enjoy', it is said with the best intentions.. But the repeating of these mantras has no actual effect on the niceness of your day. Similarly, if you were requested to have a crap day it would have no effect on the outcome. Some of us enjoy wallowing in self-pitying misery and if told to have a nice day will be upset in this interference in their desired level of day-niceness.

But is a day long enough? What about 'have a nice week'? Or year? Or, indeed, life? Or afterwards, if you believe in reincarnation. Does 'day' include the evening, or are we just being requested to bathe in a nice blanket of niceness until the sun goes down?

General John Wayne with his foot on Adolf Hitler's throat (out of shot)
General John Wayne with his foot on Adolf Hitler's throat (out of shot)

8 • America won World War II all by itself

From 1939 until late 1941, Britain, France, Poland, Belgium, Australia and Russia merely fiddled around in Europe, putting up token resistance to Germany's threat. In Britain, this mostly consisted of writing patriotic songs and making quaint black-and-white films about the indomitable British spirit.

Proper resistance to the Nazis only began when America entered the fight for freedom. As the British stood by and sang their silly songs, the Poles and Russians drank vodka and the French surrendered, retreating to their cordon bleu kitchens, the American army, led by John Wayne, single-handedly defeated both Germany and Japan, quite easily.

But if anyone likes a challenge, it's America. Not content with this easy victory, they then went on to invade Korea, Cuba, lots of Central America, Vietnam and Iraq, often accompanied by British songwriters.

American cuisine at its finest
American cuisine at its finest

9 • Some Americans can cook

They work in McDonalds.


11 • Some of them have real names

You could be forgiven for thinking that Americans decide on names for their children by a random dip into the Scrabble bag and rearranging the letters. But what other explanation could there be for Tammi, Cammi, Flammi, Gammi, Krystzl, Viella and Beyoncé?

And it's not just girls. Boys' names include Buck, Brick, Hunk, Chunk, Bonk and Uzi.

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Comments 34 comments

squizzer profile image

squizzer 6 years ago

Hey Mr Crass,

You limies miss the point every time. Without us, you Brits would be nothing. there would be no McDonald's, no Hummers and no Justin Timberlake. Think about it. What sort of world do you Brits wanna live in? You need us, just like all those opressed peoples in the midle east and Afganeestann.

Chuck Wackermann

Shari 5 years ago

U fucking fathead. Typical american for you to think it is only you saving THE world. In first place who THE fuck are you guys to think you can just interfear with everyonce business? You really think everyone needs america? No... You guys just always think you are fucking great. So tired of you guys thinking THE english didn't help or not even knowing that. Then again how much DO most americans know cause i know à lot of dumbass americans that never look beyond america and what other americans say. Get over it... England helped! Thank god for them they don't have à fat head like you and some other americans. And you must think i am english now or something but i am belgian and my bf is american so FACE there! So tired of you fatheads. And for you chuck: shut THE fuck up dumbass american without them you would not know what elegance is... You can learn from us and them... You guys can not even eat properly and there are mant more things i can say what you guys miss. I guess my point just is that not everything is THE best in america and not everything comes from there and not everyone thinks you are great Like you think people do... Intact à. Lot of people hate americans because of people like you. Never met à more shallow and dumb rase as you before and that is deff not à lie. Waiting for your deffence here wish is gonna be à lot of america is THE best blabla. Every country has there good and bad things. Keep that in mind and you are à little wiser

crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 5 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


You have totally, totally, totally, totally missed the point. Is there no sense of humour in Belgium? No parody, irony, sarcasm, satire or sardonic comment? Shame. You can't really believe this is serious, can you? Have a nice day.

Rudeboy 5 years ago

I love Americans.....because as a Brit...they make us look so damn intelligent...and funny thing is...I'm actually not......it's all relative..

NateB11 profile image

NateB11 4 years ago from California, United States of America

I'm laughing my Filipino-American buttocks off! Funny stuff!

Kate 4 years ago

I dream of living in a world where everyone can can make fun of each other (good naturally of course) and not get all pissed off and take it personally.

When I was wandering around England for a while (I never made it to London), I was discussing these world views with some men I met at the pub. We were talking about patriotism and flags and all that, and we all agreed that what we couldn't stand were intolerant jerks parading under the guise of national pride. Then they decided I needed to learn how to make tea properly and I explained the virtues of peanut butter that no one in Europe seems to care about. And every year on the fourth of July my English friends email me to express their regret at allowing the US to believe they won the Revolutionary War, as we clearly aren't responsible enough to be out on our own. To which I usually respond that England is just too old and curmudgeonly to remember what it was like to be young and have fun in the world and they can keep their stamps and tea.

And no one is offended.

But ethnocentrism exists in all cultures. There are Americans who disdain other cultures simply because they are not their own. But this occurs everywhere. Even Belgium. And especially in Paris (less so in the rest of France). And people who think like that are in small numbers, they just happen to talk the loudest. The rest of us in the world can laugh (or seriously worry) about our own faults, and take what we dish out. Don't take things so seriously. :) Why yell and sneer when you can laugh and smile?

(Good post crassnsilly!)

:D 4 years ago

Lol, this is funny. Please stop taking offense (to people of all nationalities) This is all in good fun!

American who is quite British. 4 years ago

I don't get most of this because I only know like two obese people, clearly the British are the ones with no sense of humor, I will laugh at any joke if it is funny, soccer is spelled futbal not football, which is just a better version of rugby, and news flash baseball is an Olympic game and is played around the world. - Suck it Brits

NYU_Chick 4 years ago

I am an American teen and its so true that lots of British people think all Americans are obese! I have a pen pal in Enlgland, and after we exchanged photos she said, "Not to sound god awful, but I thought you were overweight!" It was quite funny. I am going to England this summer and I can't wait to experence all the cultural differences!

Tom 4 years ago

Hahaha british songwriters...

Sas laid the foundation for all other special forces in the world.

You cant even assassinate an unarmed muslim without crashing a helicopter.

Funny post though! (Truly)

Cbt 4 years ago

What on earth is this? The US admiration society? I've never heard so much rubbish about WW2 in all my life- what about the Allied forces fighting in North Africa before America arrived- America did not win the war on its own! Theres a reason a popular saying was 'The British brought the army, the russians brought the blood and the Americans brought the money. Saying that all the british, russian, french and everyone else just sat around doing nothing before the yanks finally arrived if completely insensitive to the suffering of the people who had to survive until the yanks arrived- who then tried to steal our woman and tried to bring segragation over!

Whoever wrote this needs to read up on some History.

Cbt over and out

crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 4 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


Nia 4 years ago

took me until #9 to get it then I read it over with an entirely new perspective, well done LOL

cBt 4 years ago

To American who is quite British,

No sense of humor- you have to be joking!- We have some of the funniest comedies ever! We actually had football (which is correctly spelled this way) way before the US had Soccer and American Football (which is just rugby with extra padding and ad breaks for FOX News, in my opinion). In actual fact, Baseball was invented long after the British invented Rounders (which is also played worldwide).

Hope this has cleared things up for you, American who is clearly not British at all

Tally-ho, old bean (and other age-old stereotypes)


PS- crassnsilly, what on earth does NSOH mean?

cBt 4 years ago

May have been a bit rude in my last post. Sorry about that- bad day. I have to admit that America has done some good things in the world- like Elvis, a constitution that is still used and the Simpsons. Although i am British, and therefore very biased towards my countries own achievements, like the Beatles, Magna Carta, etc; i still find America to be a pretty good country- i only hope that they could reject the stereotypes of other countries they some Americans still have, as well as not assuming that everyone else in the world wants the American way of life.

Again, i do not hate the USA but wish it could have a more objective world view.


david 3 years ago

We won the battle of britain. Not the americans

james 3 years ago

did you know it was the americans who came up with the blonde hair, blue eye aryan race hitler just copied it

cBt 3 years ago

Good golly, James. I didn't know that. Although I did hear that there were American Nazi's during the 1930s. It's also funny how Captain America, the so-called perfect American, is tall, Blond and blue-eyed...

Yikes! I imagine his creator didn't mean it that way though.

This is a pretty funny blog, looking back on it now. I don't feel offended about WW2 now. Hope that Chuck Wackerman chap didn't offend any other brits on here- I suggest he takes a vacatiion in britain over the summer and see how his views go down. I just he dousnt get punched too often! (laughs goodnaturdly)

Peace out!


cBt 3 years ago

Hope some people changed their views of Britain due to this blog. It's okay to laugh goodnaturadly at stereotypes- the problem is when people think they are real. Like some British kids (like my sister) thinking the glorious people of France wear polo-necks, berets, rings of onions, and have a small cigerette on their lip all the time. Thanks to digital media, more people from different backgrounds can talk to each other frankly about this sort of thing and establish a better understanding of each other. Lets get rid of those stereotypes, people!

Sounding like a stereotype of a 1960s hippy, there- whoops!



crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 3 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

If you've nothing to say, cbt, why say it here? Do your own stuff.

squizzer profile image

squizzer 3 years ago


Well, I just gotta tell you about my trip overseas to your little island.

I went to see one of my buddies in Parris, France. Dropped in to london for two days.

Wow, you guys really are living in the dark ages. Litter everywhere, homeless people clogging up the streets. And the weather? Do you guys even know what the sun looks like?

Best part about your crummy capitol for me was seeing the new Bruce Willis film in Liesestershire Square.

Tell you what, I'll get you a ticket for my part of the States, then you will know what your missing.

Chuck S. Wackerman

cBt 3 years ago

to Crassnsilly,

internet here won't let me write my own blog.

to Chuck S. Wackerman,

The UK is only little compared to America, which could qualify as a subcontinent. In the US, does everyone put all their litter in bins? We just seem to have a lot of litter because our cities are all squashed in, whearas in the US cities tend to be more spread out with better infrastructure. In America, do they kill all the homeless people or something? Every country has homeless people- we just have a lot crammed into a few places. Crummy Capital (spelt correctly)? How dare you- if Londons good enough for the royal family then it should be good enough for you. And we do have sunshine over here- just we have less of it than you do. I won't be taking you up on your offer to go to the US- I don't want to be offended by the minority of Americans who think in stereotypes like you do.

Please don't act like an 'ugly american' stereotype,


squizzer 3 years ago


There is nothing sadder than some hipster meat-whistle such as your good self parading a fake love for your country.

You cannot tell me that British Aisles is squashed in. Have you visited Detroit, Manhattan or Chicago. This is high-density living without junk everywhere.

As for the homeless, we use them for work fare programs and sometimes even weapons testing.

and cbt, do not call me an ugly american. I suspect you sir have bad teeth, wear ill-fitting glasses and are bald as a shiny egg, as are many of the Brits I met are.

You're country is great, it's just old-hat now though,

I welcome your reply,


Chuck S Wackerman

crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 3 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

cbt please go away

joeyallen profile image

joeyallen 2 years ago from SE Texas

To all those responding here who don't get the humor, lighten up!

Maybe you should move to Texas...you might enjoy the narrow minded and humorless attitudes that prevail here. There is no humor in Ted Cruz. Let me tell you.

I would like to visit England for a "breather" from the rhetoric. Crassnsilly is soo not Texas! He's a bit like Bill Maher, Stephen Colbert, and John Stewart rolled into one with an English accent. Thanks for the chuckles.

Keep it coming...

ea 2 years ago

Absolutely False.Eh I wouldn't say they did absolutely nothing, but compared to the Russians they did very little and had a much easier time. The Eastern Front with Russia vs Germany was 4 times larger than the rest of the war combined and that was where really all the nail-biting action took place. Fights were very even, and losses were heavy for both sides. Russia inflicted 80-90% of casualties on german troops. 85% of elite divisions and tank battalions were sent to the eastern front. The western front was not all.... but mostly reserve troops. not highly trained and such. Hear about D-day? That was 170,000 allied troops vs 10000 germans. The allies lost 12,000 and that makes news? Go figure for the Battle of Stalingrad... like 1.5 million each side and many hundreds of thousands dead. Keep in mind, Russia also took Berlin. U.S. chickened out and thought they would looses too many guys so they kind of backed out. Russia also attacked Japan after defeating Germany and took 640,000 prisoners. (search in wikipedia, the "Soviet-Japanese war").

ea 2 years ago

the above was responding to the question did America do Nothing.

crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

ea isn't even a name. It's just a sort of grunt someone makes when they are slightly sick. Take your statistics to Open Mike nite and see who laughs. And get another idiot to teach you grammar – you are letting everyone down.

LaughingLouise 2 years ago

Oh my lord this was too funny. I couldn't even be offended by it because I was laughing so hard. Much love for you Mr. Crass.


The Humored American

Jack 2 years ago

Chuck s wackerman?phah nice name!hows that for a bit of British sarcasm!!

Sophie 2 years ago

My gosh, every one has their own opinions. There are fact and your view on certain elements. 1) Completlely true! Not all Americans are overweight, although we score #1 on the obesity list Brits are coming in at #3, there's not that big of difference. If you walk around most people are what you would call average. 2) Also true, we have created what some would say are the funniest shows ever, but England has too. 3) I've never even heard of this being a stereotype of the USA, no idea! 4) Us American kids are taught in school about geography almost every day, a lot will take a college course in it so not all of us are oblivious of the rest of the world... 5) Yes, we play football, I'd think you've got the whole soccer/football area figured out by now, or at least I do. 6) Utterly true, North America is a diverse area containing many ethnicities, that's about it for that statement! 7) It's true for most people, but I'm sure it's the same way in England! 8) I don't want to get in to this statement because it always turn in to a virtual war... do your own research. 9) Most Americans can cook... it's pretty much like England, most people can cook, we're not all just walking fast food... 10) Every name is a real name, not every one is acting like Kim Kardashian and naming their daughter North.

I just wanted to set things straight! I respect all cultures, I also wanted to ask why English people get aggravated by the way we spell things, I mean, it's our country, our rules ;) Thanks!

Dan 2 years ago

Oh god, the last one about the names is too true. That has been my biggest gripe about this country for the last decade (I realize that there are more important issues but I cannot be bothered with them as I see a flood of Aidens, Aidons, Jaidens, Kaidens, Hunters, Rileys, Addisons, Maddisons, etc inundating the elementary schools). God save us from this plague.

crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


You think you're upset? My name's crassnsilly! Get writing, you have the right attitude.

Reece Aspley 21 months ago

"#8 america won ww2 all by itself"

Okay... One, this is a prime example of american arrogance and two, you didn't win it by yourself at all. You came crying yo the british when your special pearl harbor was bombed!

E.g, you wanted supplies from the british to fight the germans and close the battle of mid way, restoring a trade rout. This was only achieved by BRITISH radar and sonar technology that could actively seak out enemy aircraft or U-boats hiding. Without help from australia, you wouldn't have gained a strong foothold on japan.

Without help from the british, you would have perrished long ago.

Without help from the french, your azsault in europe wouldn't have been possible.

Without the help of the russians, an assault on eastern germany wouldn't have been possible.

You did not win it all by yourself! You came crying for help you arrogant cunts!

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