The Secret Life of Pomegranates

Introduction

The Secret Life of Pomegranates extends over many millennia. Our human condition intertwines inextricably with the little squishy fruit. We all share a common anti-oxidant bond. Join us on a journey through history as we pull back the curtain on pomegranate reality. The truth doesn't hurt, but it can be a little tart without a dash of artificial sweetener.

The Brotherhood of the Traveling Pomegranate

Anyone who's ever watched Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie, Gunsmoke, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, or The View has seen the episode wherein townsfolk encounter a ne'er-do-well shyster selling miracles cures from the back of his wagon. Back in the early 1800's, a shady character known as Dr. Cyrus P. Throgmorton plied his trade throughout the American South. He and his wife, Oprah Winfrey Throgmorton, visited hundreds of communities to flog their pomegranate elixir. They earnestly introduced gullible settlers to the miracles of pomegranate juice mixed with corn whiskey. They spread the secret of pomegranates throughout rural America.

One day the Throgmortons pulled into a small North Carolina town. After selling a few bottles of their miracle cure, they ran afoul of an unarmed yet wise sheriff who taught them error of their ways. The couple spent a night in jail, paid a small fine, enjoyed a wonderful dinner with the sheriff's family, and closed down their pomegranate scam forever. Eventually Cyrus and Oprah settled in Raleigh, where they opened a check cashing store in a strip mall.

Ruth on the Juice

Babe Ruth was affectionately known as The Sultan of Swat, the Home Run King, and the Hero of Hot Dogs. Throughout his career he punished opposing pitchers with his mighty blasts. Life in major league baseball was a tedious grind of interminable train trips and cheap hotels. Players earned very little money. In fact, most players worked a second job during the off season. Ruth was notorious for his pudgy physique and his prodigious appetite, but few people outside his inner circle knew of the nutritional secrets he discovered late in his career. He was fortunate to earn enough money through playing baseball and endorsing tobacco products to be able to afford a full time training staff. Yankee Ruth learned that his athletic career could be prolonged by careful dieting. His nutritionist introduced him to the wonders of pomegranate juice along with the miracle of the Original Jack LaLanne Power Juicer. He finished baseball with 714 home runs and went on to become a wildly popular professional wrestler in Mexico: El sultán de Golpe Repentino . The Secret Life of Pomegranates extended and enhanced George Herman Ruth's career.

Moon Juice

Politics play an important part in government spending. Congressmen sell their votes for health care legislation. High-powered cronyism affects contract administration in all levels of public service. Sadly, even the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) is not immune. On July 11, 1969, the first humans landed on the moon. Television viewers around the world shared this tremendous achievement with astronauts Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins. Armstrong and Aldrin touched down on the surface of the Moon in the Lunar Module, while Collins piloted the Command Module as it orbited 6000 feet above the surface. Total time spent on the lunar surface was a scant 21 hours.

Since 1969, the moon landing has been tarnished by claims of fraud and trickery. Investigators from all fields of science have worked to prove that NASA mislead the public. Some historians assert that the United States Government desperately wanted to beat the Russians to the Moon. To this end, NASA was willing to misrepresent what actually took place in order to convince the public that America had the technology to achieve the seemingly impossible.

Now the truth can be told: it was pomegranate juice in those little space-age pouches, not Tang.

Conclusion

The Secret Life of Pomegranates extends into virtually all aspects of life. This luscious superfood has roots in science, history, sports, popular culture, and even nutrition. The next time you leave the house, look around you for evidence of pomegranate influence. The proof may be as simple as a pomegranate juice mustache around your boss's mouth or as subtle as the free radical zapping benefits of a 12 dollar pomegranate chiller at the Pomegranate Smoothie Bar. We may be able to live without pomegranates, but we cannot live above the pomegranate influence.

More by this Author


Comments 6 comments

partisan patriot 6 years ago

Nicomp

You don’t need to go back to the old west to witness a scene where the townsfolk encounter a snake oil salesman traveling the circuit in a wagon. That was the theme of the Obama 2008 campaign. He drove his snake oil wagon throughout the country selling bogus Hope and Change Oil. Just rub a little where it hurts and all your ailments will magically disappear. Amazingly just as is the case with your 1800’s character this modern day snake oil salesman was aided by his own Oprah Winfrey! Some conservatively credit her with personally delivering over 1,000,000 votes to this modern day charlatan!

Our snake oil salesman and his Oprah are rapidly running afoul with the citizens of this country. Just look at what’s about to happen tomorrow in Massachusetts; hopefully this bastille of liberalism will be stormed and collapse under the pitchforks of the irate citizens!

Babe Ruth along with Will Rogers never met Barrack Hussein Obama. Had they Ruth couldn’t afforded his juice and Will Rogers couldn’t have made his famous statement; “I never met a man I didn’t like!” What’s that got to do with anything you ask; what the hell do I know. All I know is every subject eventually comes around to Obama and his terribly destructive policies. I’m sure there is something inherently evil about hot dogs and juice; it’s not fair that the poor can’t afford ball park franks while wall street wallows in the luxury of gorging themselves on as many as they like!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@partisan patriot: umm... a little off topic, but thanks!


Aya Katz profile image

Aya Katz 6 years ago from The Ozarks

You forgot to mention Persephone and Hades. If you eat even a few pips, you could go straight to hell...


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Aya Katz: Oh yeah. They don't talk about that on the affiliate marketing sites...


Springboard profile image

Springboard 6 years ago from Wisconsin

I never knew pomegranates were so popular way back when. ::ahem:: Thanks. :)


fishtiger58 profile image

fishtiger58 6 years ago from Momence, Illinois

Outstanding hub, I laughed all the way through it. Have you ever considered taking it on the road, become a comedian?? Something to consider. Thanks for a very funny read.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working