Three Lies the World Tells You

As you move through life, you may get the sneaking suspicion that you’ve been misled — that somehow, somewhere, somebody has lied to you about what to expect. Well, I’m here to reveal to you the three most basic lies the world tells you.

Lie #1: Time flies. No, time does NOT fly. It crawls. It crawls at an incredibly slow yet inexorable pace. Think back to how long you had to wait for that first trike, first bike, first motorbike. Think of how long you are still waiting for that pony. Remember the anguish of the interminable wait until you could first drive, or drink. How long was it before you were allowed to handle your uncle’s fishing knife? Or his hunting rifle? Did you feel like time flew until your acne finally went away? Or until you lost your virginity? Did those college years of essays and problem sets and term papers just fly by? Of course not!

And, though you may have aged, and might in fact be surprised to be writing ‘2010’ on your checks already, don’t try to convince me that time flies! Just spend the hours (or seeming days) from 2 a.m. to dawn chasing cable channels, and tell me it flies! Sit through a State of the Union address, AND all the talking-head blather before and after, and tell me it flies! Watch the last ‘two minutes’ of an NFL game, and tell me it flies! Renew your license at the DMV, and tell me it flies! Ask your wife to list the resolutions you really need to work on this year, and tell me it flies!

Except for a brief detour to rickzworld, I rest my case.

Lie #2: Time is money. No, time is NOT money. Time is time, and money is money, and the two have only the most flimsy, fickle and fleeting of relationships. (For one thing, if time was money, I’d actually be earning something from all this endless online writing!) If time was money, your latest car repairs wouldn’t have cost $857.00. Instead, after compensating you for the 6.2 hours you wasted sucking down truly horrid coffee and being deafened by braying daytime TV in the dealer’s waiting room, the service manager would have presented you with a bill for just $237.00. If time was money, your kid’s high school principal would owe each and every attending parent $47.50 for that deadly drone on proper test-taking. If time was money, we’d all knock a few hundred off our April check to the IRS for head-breaking time spent on perfidious paperwork. If time was money, I’d be seeking rebates from a whole lot of relatives, distant and otherwise, for a series of thoroughly wasted holidays and birthdays.

See what I mean? Don’t believe it; time is NOT money.

Lie #3. Money is the root of all evil. No, money is NOT the root of all evil. Money is great! (Perhaps one of man’s best inventions, in fact!) Money makes things possible! Money makes a juicy portherhouse arrive! Accompanied by a baked potato, a vegetable, a salad, and a cold longneck! Sound like evil to you? I think not. Money also brings fast cars and expensive women (or, if you prefer, fast women and expensive cars). Money brings vacations and plasma TVs and caramel lattés and shawl scarves and sidepipes and movie premieres and a cornucopia of food, fast and otherwise. Money even brings lotto tickets, which may bring . . . more money! Money is not the root of all evil — it may in fact be the root of all good (or at least be REAL CLOSE to the root of all good).

It’s the greedy grasping for money that’s the root of all evil! That roofing subcontractor that skated with your deposit — that’s evil! That telemarketer (and his legions of clones) ringing through as the first steaming forkful of your favorite dinner hovers before your open salivating mouth — that’s evil! That cousin of your wife’s with an all new unbelievably convoluted (and unbelievable) tale of money woes like clockwork every six months — that’s evil! That utility company that has to come oil their meters every few months so they’ll spin faster and faster — that’s evil!

So now perhaps you can keep a little more truth and honesty in your life.

You’re welcome.