We Are Alone

Confident, self-reliant. Source: flickr.com
Confident, self-reliant. Source: flickr.com

We Are Alone

By Tony DeLorger © 2011

Alone we are and alone we shall remain. Reliance on anything or anyone else to be happy, secure or successful is both counterproductive and delusional. Acceptance that we are responsible for our lives and what we do with it is a necessary part of being a grown up, someone who has leaned from experience and has become self–reliant.

This may sound sad and shed a different light on what you associate with a love partnership, but this is true and irrefutable. Who we choose as a partner to share our lives and experience family, financial commitments and the ups and downs of life, is solely a choice and nothing more. What we think, experience and learn is a singular and personal affair. We share life with people yet we are ultimately alone, responsible for us, our experiences and responses to life.

Family is an important part of most of our lives and we as parents would do anything for our kids and loved ones. However, in the end, after kids have grown up and had their own families, and perhaps we’ve been divorced once or twice, we realise the only thing in life with any longevity, is that we are always us. We are alone.

We are all driven to follow our forbears and when of age, get married, have kids and live in a certain predetermined way. During our lives many of us have never had to be alone in any sense. We have learned to be reliant on parents and then replace them with a partner, with which we share our responsibilities and most aspects of life. This unfortunately has not given us enough time to find strength within ourselves, as a single entity.

When we live life reliant on someone else, our behaviour embraces preserving that reliance or dependence. If the relationship doesn’t work out, we then seek another person who can provide the important aspects of that reliance. The relationship then is not based on what relationships should be about: love, respect, common beliefs and ambitions, but based on need.

Psychology recognises this reliance or co-dependence as a childhood experience that evolves into the adult personality. We know the idea: women looking for father-figures, men seeking mothers to take care of them. These kinds of adult relationships rarely last as each person has issues of dependence, none of them self-reliant.

We are alone in that we are singularly responsible for our lives, and with whom we choose to share our lives, is our choice. But we are alone, and should be able to be alone and take responsibility for our thoughts, and actions.

As adults we need to be self-reliant: to work, to shop, to pay bills, to orchestrate the flow of our life, without the need for someone else’s input. It’s the only way we can offer an attractive package to a prospective partner; two whole people willing to share their lives on equal terms. That is the answer to a relationship that has a chance of lasting the long-term.

In conclusion, there are many quotable psychological ideals related to this subject, but I choose to keep it simple and say that we need to be alone and independent first, before we can become a practicing individual. With the strength of independence our relationships with people can be straightforward and honest and we are still alone, yet content in sharing our lives.

Comments 8 comments

nerncybaby1986 5 years ago

Hello my dear ,

My name is nerncy (single). I was impressed when i saw your profile today and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition,i will like you to reply me


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Tony DeLorger 5 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia Author

Thanks for reading and your excellent comments Terri and d.william. So glad the subject resonated with you both. Thanks again for taking the time to read.


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d.william 5 years ago from Somewhere in the south

Another wonderfully profound article. The ability to be alone, independent, self-reliant, self secure, and at total peace with ourselves, should always be the precursors of attempting to "share" life with another individual. There are way too many people who try to 'control' others, but who have never learned how to 'share'. When you look at yourself as a totally separate entity, most people find it too frightening to contemplate.


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Terri Meredith 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

I'm in full agreement with you, Tony. I've watched many people throughout my life. The majority of them may love fiercely, and care about their children, husbands, etc. But so many of them use these people in their lives as excuses for what holds them back, or why they never took a shot at something they "say" they wish they had done.

I know women who literally can not live without a man in their lives. I know children who believe their parents should put everything on hold because they claim to have a need. The list goes on and on.

Everything we do is a choice. We may decide that going to school while working 40 hrs a week and raising a family is too much to tackle, but it's not because we "can't do it". I've listened to people complain how they can't do something because of one reason or another and what it all comes down to is, for them, the work is much more than they are willing to do for the reward it will bring.

Another excellent observation!


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Tony DeLorger 5 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia Author

Tjhanks for reading and your comment, soumyasrajan. It's appreciated.


soumyasrajan 5 years ago from Mumbai India and often in USA

Enjoyed your article very much Tony! You analyse very well this whole path one travels in life.

The feelings of being alone or with a whole lot, seem to be coming and going in one's life in success or failure phases quite regularly. Almost as if one is in simple harmonic motion with these feelings at two corners.

But is it not true at the same time that one can learn to enjoy each of these phases equally. A detachment, taking your self as an observer watching your own actions as a game should be the great tool. It can keep one to be in the state of happiness with any feeling - of being alone or leading a whole lot.


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Tony DeLorger 5 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia Author

Thanks for you comment,jeff. Its not a concept , but basic psychology. The hub is about the reality of being a single, responsible entity. It is about the problem of co-dependance, not about being social or interacting with people. More to do with the underlying reality of being.


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jeffduff 5 years ago from Southwest Wisconsin

Interesting concept, but you may be asking too much for most people to accept alot of solitude and self-reliance in their lives. In my experience, adult men are the most unsociable of humans. Yet, there are still adult men who very much need frequent or constant social interaction.

I would also add that our media glorifies independence of mind and action, yet our historical and pre-historical ancestors were very social, both by choice and need.

To demand otherwise, of all humanity, would seem to be asking a little too much.

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