Ten things Americans don't know about England

1 • English people don't all know each other

England has a population of around 60 million people. If each English person met one other every hour, without sleeping, we would all live until we were 6,868 years old. Still, I heard many times how, when visiting America, English people would be asked if they knew some people in London (population 7 million = 801 years). This childlike optimism is charming, or 'quaint'. I put these stories down to urban myth until I visited Louisiana around 20 years ago.

I was invited to a chicken drop and introduced to everyone in the bar as 'Chris, from London'. It was easier to go along with this, rather than confusing the geographically challenged to the idea of Leigh-on-Sea, where I live, which is actually 40 miles away from London. This is almost one hour's journey. A long distance to the English, but just a couple of blocks to a Texan.

In the toilet, or confusingly, bathroom (where's the bath?), a tall guy in a Stetson hat came and stood at the next urinal.

"So, you're the guy from London, huh?" he asked in a deep, threatening tone. OK, I'm sorry about the War of Independence, and bothering y'all to help out in World War II, and anything else we might have done.

"Yeh," I gulped.

"I know a couple of people, live in Birm-ing-ham. You might know them."

Wow. It was all true. A cowboy in a Stetson, asking if I knew his friends who lived in a city of 5.3 million people (606 years). Unfortunately, my friend only knew their first names, and had no idea of their address, so it was a bit of a long shot. Still, no harm in asking.

2 • England is not London

"The guy from London, huh?" Well, it's an easy mistake to make. As the majority of Americans never leave the country, why bother learning about other places. And why should they ever leave? America seems to have everything you could want, and everyone speaks English, or their version of it, except for immigrants. It rankles with us English people, because we are just next to Europe, where there are many other countries, and many foreign languages, some of which we are taught about at school. But as everyone in the world speaks English, even if French people pretend they don't, so we don't learn them much

London is also the only English city which most Europeans could name. This is fair enough. Visitors fall into two groups – business and pleasure. If anyone's coming to England for business, it will be to London, and it's no surprise that the world's busiest airport, Heathrow, is conveniently situated just 15 laborious, frustrating, traffic-choked miles from the centre of the capital.

Tourists, having only heard of London, will also arrive in the capital. Thinking that London is like a village, they will attempt to visit every famous landmark in one day, from the Tower of London to Big Ben to Buckingham Palace, stopping only to pause at traditional English attractions such as Starbuck's, McDonald's and the Hard Rock Cafe.

The more adventurous will perhaps visit Stratford-upon-Avon, Shakespeare's birthplace, or even Scotland.

3 • Britain is not England

"You British, or English, or Australian, or something?" asked the guy in the electrical store in Louisiana. Couldn't blame him, really. Probably the only English voice he had heard in his life was that of a British actor, or Dick Van Dyke.

All mothers are women, but not all women are mothers. Similarly, all English people are British, but not all British people are English. England is bordered by two smaller, less populated countries, Scotland and Wales.

People from these countries have an inferiority complex, which manifests itself as a real or contrived hatred of the English. But wouldn't you? After having your tribal traditions and land usurped over many centuries by the big bully next door, wouldn't you feel a little bitter? Plus, England always beats Scotland and Wales at football and cricket. Not always at rugby, though, because rugby is a violent game which needs no thought, just a readiness to gouge, kick, butt and punch opponents, under the watchful eye of a sympathetic referee, from an impartial country. Impartial country in theory, but not impartial in person. because wherever he is from it is bound to be a country where people also hate the English.

Recently, both Scotland and Wales were granted the right, by the English, to have their own national assemblies, with the power to pass legislation. However, all this is overseen by the English.

So, that's Britain. But what about Ireland? Northern Ireland is not part of Britain. It is part of the United Kingdom of England, Scotland Wales and Northern Ireland. Although it is part of an island called Ireland, it is not part of Ireland, or Southern Ireland, or Eire. This is the other part of the island called Ireland and is not part of the United Kingdom. People in some parts of Southern Ireland hate the English because they want Northern Ireland to be part of Southern Ireland, but the people of Northern Ireland mostly want to stay as they are, where they are. This problem, with typical Irish alacrity, has been going on for centuries.

Easy solution, you might think, to have Northern Ireland play Southern Ireland at rugby until there's one man standing. Trouble is, with typical Irish logic, both countries play for the combined Irish team.

4 • Football is not soccer

Football is a game played with a ball. And feet. The ball cannot be handled, except by a privileged man on each team, known as The Goalkeeper. He is a special man, the only man on the pitch (the official name for the area of grass on which the footballers play), who is allowed to touch the ball with his hands. Apart from The Goalkeeper, none of the other players are allowed to touch the ball with their hands. They are only allowed to move the ball with their feet. Or chests, legs, heads, groin area. Any part of their body except their hands. Clear?

'Soccer' is a childish abbreviation of Association Football, which is how football became known, after the Football Association was formed in 1863.

Say English 'football' to an American, and they will reply: "Oh, you mean sooooccer."

No. Football is a game where the players use their feet in more ways than one, such as kicking the ball or accidentally kicking other players. Sometimes players on the opposing team. But only with their feet.

That is why it is often described in terpsichorean terms, now slow, now really fast, stop, spin it, arc it, dance past the leaden-footed defenders, curving a 40-yard pass which lands on a team-mate's toe, chess moves, thinking ahead, thinking at the moment.

In America, there is something called American Football, which is only played in America. If there was a World Cup of American Football, which country would win?

American Football, an ugly game played by players/actors wearing more safety equipment than any daredevil motorcyclist, is, to English observers, a product. If the advertising disappeared, who would bother with it? To call it football is like comparing the cheese in a cheeseburger to a slice of mature farmhouse English cheddar. More cheese later.

American Football, to the distant English observer, is a joke. The actors, sorry, players, run around for two minutes, at most, holding the ball with their hands, then all fall in a heap, similar to rugby. Then they have to stop for Bud Lite commercials. There is no beauty, just a four-hour rummage. No kicking the ball to each other. Hardly any kicking at all.

Many English football fans were pleased that the 1994 World Cup was staged in America. Maybe America, with its huge population, would really get into this sport and forsake the commercially-mental American Football. The whole world over would be together. But no. It's a simple game, football. There's too little to sell, only the big names. "Beck-ham and his popwife, huh?"

American sport is ridiculously insular, more insular than in a tiny island like Britain. It does not recognize the rest of the world. When the Olympics Games are show on TV in America, cameras focus only on the American competitors.

The World Series?The daft up-n-down of basketball – just be tall to succeed. Only in America.

How old Henry VIII? Old Henry VIII fine. How you? Old joke
How old Henry VIII? Old Henry VIII fine. How you? Old joke

5 • Not everything in England is soooo old

I hope you're not talking about my mum.

There are no man-made structures in America which date back more than 400 years. In England, there's so much ancient stuff everywhere, a 14th century building here, a Saxon burial site there, we're used to it.

But American history, to the European invaders' ancestors, started in 1620: before that, before Europeans took control, there was nothing. Indigenous, or Native, or whatever the current sheepish term is for the people who owned America pre-1620, would disagree. America has the same geological history as anywhere in Europe, or the rest of the planet. How can you own land? A piece of the Earth? But we all do, or we live on a piece of earth owned by somebody else. Australian Aborigines have the perfect answer, after thousands and thousands of years not going anywhere else, because they belong to the land.

We are all standing on bits of the planet which are old. The word 'old' has many meanings, but here we will use it as "before my grasp of my own history." Your dad is old. Your kids think you are old.

The first bit of Old was when the universe started; to an average American, history started when America began. Old was Past, and Present is when I became.

So how say England is old? Because of the stories, it's known history stretching back a couple of thousand years. And that's just humans.

So what do tourists do when faced with all this Old? Whip out the camera, of course, unless you are a Japanese tourist, because they never put their cameras away long enough to whip them out. Then on to the next bit of Old. No research, no story to follow, just open-mouthed wonder at the Oldness. There are books and books and books about each Old place in London, and, imagine, there are other buildings even older than the ones on the tourist list.

Right. That box is ticked. Instantly forgotten, until they get back home and invite the neighbours to see a slideshow projected from laptop to plasma TV. "Yup, that's some other place in London, England. It was soooo old."

Next it's Westminster Abbey, St Paul's cathedral and we'll finish at London's oldest branch of Starbuck's.

England has a massive history. So much has gone on in England that it's impossible to take it all in, so historians dedicate a lifetime to just one small area: the Elizabethans; crop rotation in the 1300s; the romantic poets of the Industrial Revolution. Just one of these niches would take a lifetime to impart to anybody else, so the historian would have to be granted another lifetime.

It's not a better or worse history than anywhere else, not longer than a lot of places, it just is what it is. Old doesn't necessarily mean of great interest. What's more interesting: the depressing, one-dimensional works of Victorian miseryguts Charles Dickens, or the internet?

In Louisiana, I was shown a building which had stood since, wait for it ... 1810. In English terms, this would equate to around a thousand years, so in that respect, it's quite impressive. An Englishman would not be impressed. His own house could well be older. This demonstrates American pride in its own foundation, because its history is condensed and magnified at the same time.

Biggest Mini Minor in the world
Biggest Mini Minor in the world

6 • Not everything in England is small

England has some of the biggest things in the world. For instance, the world's longest pleasure pier is at Southend-on-Sea, Essex, a massive one-and-three-quarter miles long. Yes, impressive, isn't it? England also has the highest, that is biggest, unmarried teenage pregnancy rate in Europe. And Mini Minors are the only Minis, therefore no other Mini can be larger, so English Minis must be the biggest Minis in the world.

I met an American who thought Minis were a joke. She didn't laugh, like they were a pathetic joke, but really thought that they were from a cartoon, or a kids' TV show. "They're so small," she laughed, but in a kind way, seeing her first one. We don't need 12-foot fins on the back, I argued. What's wrong with only utility chrome? If you need, really need, a boot (trunk) that you can fit your house into, buy a lorry (truck).

Is big better? If so, why? A bigger beer belly? A bigger tumour? A bigger sense of self-importance?

A bowler hat, shortly before ignition
A bowler hat, shortly before ignition

7 • Not everyone in England wears a bowler hat

You must be joking. The wearing of bowler hats was officially banned by the British government in 1967. Prime Minister Harold Wilson, in an ill-judged attempt to win the hearts and minds of the young people of Britain, awarded medals to the Beatles, while realising that swinging Carnaby Street was where it was at.

The country's fuddy-duddy image was to be replaced by something more modern. The perceived height of fuddy-duddiness at the time was that of the pin-striped, brolly-(umbrella) carrying, bowler-hatted City gent, briefcase in one hand with a folded copy of The Times under his arm. The white heat of technology was melting the dry timbers of outdated thinking, but thinking wasn't everyone's cup of tea. After all, the nation's biggest selling newspaper has pictures of girls' tits (hooters) in it.

No, the government realised, a visual statement would have much, much more impact than a convincing argument regarding the huge benefits of modernity. The Prime Minister set up a think-tank to investigate the best possible appointees to a committee to oversee the bodies of consultants who, in turn, would delegate to some of the finest brains in the Civil Service the task of delivering the best possible visual message.

After many months of meetings, during which some new-fangled 'brainstorming' sessions were rumoured to have taken place, the way forward was signposted.

Taking its cue from the Women's Lib movement's successful Ban The Bra campaign, Wilson's government announced the Burn The Bowler initiative. Of course, hat-related acts of arson could not be condoned by leading political figures, so undercover government agents infiltrated bars in the City of London, recruiting anyone who they suspected to rebel against aspects of fuddy-duddiness. Other agents, under cover of darkness, left Burn The Bowler graffiti around the capital.

Sadly, the campaign inspired previously unconscious pyromaniac thoughts in many commuters. Trains to and from Waterloo, Charing Cross and Liverpool Street were beset by hold-ups as arsonists poured petrol into the brims of any bowler hats worn by City gents and ignited them. Chaos ensued across the national rail network, but things began to return to normal in May 1968, when the last bowler hat was ceremoniously burned on stage by Mick Jagger at a free concert by the Rolling Stones in Hyde Park, London. Jagger then released some dead butterflies from a box, as a mark of respect.

Rare picture of snow in England
Rare picture of snow in England

8 • England is not cold all the time

England is cold some of the time, but so was your junior school teacher. He or she, let's say she, because most junior school teachers are female, because small children are more comfortable with a sort of surrogate mum [mom]. rather than a bloke [guy] who could well be a disgusting pervert, as is any bloke [guy] who talks to children these days, even if he is their father. Family members are the worst. Statistically.

Everywhere is cold some of the time. To say that England is always cold, or it always rains, is like saying that all presidents of America are inbred Texan retards who are unable to speak English [American English], or read a speech written in really large letters from a choice of three autocues.

When we say 'Cold', or 'Old', these are comparative terms. Like fat. A fat person, say one who only eats food which is cooked by somebody else, by business necessity made from cheaper ingredients supplemented with salt, sugar and processed godknowswhat, is no fatter than the next fat person on the same diet. However, if one of these two grotesque ugly overweight people decides to walk to the fast death, sorry, fast food place two doors away, instead of telephoning their usual order of greaseburger with added grease topping and Freedom Grease Fries to be delivered, this person may actually lose some calories. Before ingesting many, many more.

So one fat person is not as fat as the other fat person. Similarly, a less fat, or obese person is not as revoltingly wobbly as the first two blubberyards whom we met previously. But still fat. However, a fourth person, who weighs 37 stone [518 pounds] can reasonably be called a disgusting fat pig by the pair of comparatively slim people who we first met, and by the next, slightly less but still unbelievably fat, obese person.

So. England is cold all the time, if you live in Abu Dhabi, or Death Valley, America, or in a funny world in your own head (you are actually in a secure institution, but don't let this rubbish spoil your fun). England is warm all the time if you live on one of the poles, or indeed if you are one of the Poles.

You could be forgiven for thinking that England was a rainy country where everyone wore wellington boots, if you lived in one of the great deserts of the world. You might feel some resentment if you had been praying or dancing for rain, or singing that great Temptations song, I Wish it Would Rain, sitting in an arid wilderness, watching Last of the Summer Wine [English television programme about people who live somewhere in England where it always rains]. Yes, it rains more in England than any desert.

People who live in rain forests sheltering under those huge leaves, watching repeats [re-runs] of Last of the Summer Wine [they are all repeats/re-runs] laugh bitterly and turn to each other: "Rain? Call that rain? You're 'avin' a laugh [I think you're joking, buddy].

England is cold. England is rainy. Sometimes. If you don't like cold or rain, I can recommend Mars.

English fag
English fag

9 • Not all English guys are fags

Fag, in English, means the last part of a cigarette. OK, I'm being pedantic. What you mean is that every man in England is a homosexual, with no interest in women. Well, I must tell the truth. For the last 2,000 years, English women have been artificially inseminated by various methods using sheep's bladders, oxtail semen collectors, walrus gumboots and squirrels' nutkins. No proper English bloke [guy] would sully his hands on a disgusting woman. Oh! The very thought, dahling.

All English men are all homosexual. And so are their mothers. None of them have any interest in women. A few are inclined to some manly pursuits, such as knitting or iron foundry work, but the majority choose to spend their time making pornographic videos for the internet. This has been well documented for the last 2,000 years.

This tradition carried on very pleasantly until around 1620, when a young English man named Colin Colombus became bored of the constant ache in his back passage, and curious about the dumpling shapes in the front of girls' dresses, sailed away in search of a better life.

Arriving in what is now known as America, although Colin Colombus wanted to call it Bigcuddlytit [hooter] land, the brave mariner went forth and sowed his seed with the native maidens, while sowing nasty tales of perversion back in England.

Sadly for the English, Colin had left the country for good. London, England was destined to be gay for good. Although all the gays moved to Brighton, except for those banished to the Houses of Parliament [Congress]. And the tradition of English fagism continues to this day.

The authors hope that this has explained why every single man in a country of 60 million people is homosexual.

Quaint it ain't
Quaint it ain't

10 • England is not quaint

Quaint. There is no such word. Well, it is a word, but one of those annoying nebulous words which people utter without thinking. Like 'nice'. Or 'charmed', when two strangers are introduced. How do you know they are charming if you've only just met them? They could appear charming and then turn out like all the rest of those selfish pigs.

Whenever I hear 'quaint' (which no English people ever say) it makes me think of an idyllic scene in the English countryside. And there's enough of it. Tea is always involved. The quaint Beatrix Potter Visitor Centre Tea Rooms, the quaint English Fag Museum Tea Rooms, Brighton, the quaint Bowler Hat Pyromemorial Centre Hot Tea Annexe. Do you see? England is surrounded by water, except for the bits where it is surrounded by Scotland or Wales, but it is flooded in tea.

This (No I won't say 'quintessenially', it's so over-used. What about typical? Quasitypical. Genre-defining? All-encompassing? Wet? Sod it.) quintessentially  English drink is not even English. It might come from China or India or Ceylon which is now called Sri Lanka which is now called 'where we fled from' by some former residents. But it's not from England.

There is nothing more 'English' than a cup of tea. However, there is no such thing as a cup of tea. It's always a 'nice' cup of tea. If you are reading this from one of England's former colonies and are planning to visit England, be sure to put the phrase 'nice cup of tea' into your digitranslate-o-book.

If somebody asks you if you would like a cup of tea, leave the room as soon as possible. If somebody asks you if you would like a nice cup of tea, stay put and look forward to a nice cup of tea. Half-way through the nice cup of tea, you will appreciate the inclusion of the adjective.

And that's what England isn't. Not all of the above.

If you want to know what England is, read JB Priestley's English Journey. Although it was written 76 years ago, this is a record of what England will always be.

If you want to know more about England, come and visit. But avoid London.

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Comments 148 comments

phil 6 years ago

The most annoying thing here is the arsehole who thinks that THEY got us to help THEM in world war 2. What a bunch of wankers.

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crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

They can't help it. They think America is the world. Everything is from their point of view, hence the Americo-centric coverage of the Olympics. They are mostly like little children who believe in all the fairy tales they have been told. They can't help being isolated. And don't call them wankers –they're stunned when you tell them what it means. Thanks for reading.

phil 6 years ago

JUst one point, well two really. "Fag, in English, means the last part of a cigarette" No, it doesn't. A fag is a slang word for a whole cigarette. Also Your analysis of the Irish problem is well, wrong. The protestants in Northern Ireland want to remain past of the UK but the Catholics want to be part of Eire while most of the people in Eire just want them all to bugger off and leave them alone. The reason for the catholic/protestant split is that catholics, being in the minority, in Northern Ireland have always felt that they can never gain any political power or have themselves represented in Government; they vote one way and the protestants vote another and the majority wins. Understand that I'm not condoning or making any excuses for anyone, I'm just explaining. Also, this whole horrible situation was created by the English who deliberately planted all the protestant families in Northern Ireland to secure it for England and then in 1922 the Idiotic English Parliament gave in to the Northern Irish Protestant pressure and, instead of handing ALL of Ireland back to the Irish, split the country into the north and the south thus creating all the trouble we have had in that region.

crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Why are you telling me this? Borrow a sense of humour and write your own stuff.

Gregory Markov 6 years ago

You're a genius. This was incredibly entertaining, even if I am a little biased.

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crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

It's OK to be biased. And have an opinion. Otherwise these sites would be full of cut 'n' paste rewrites.

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Norah Casey 6 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

I spent about six months just outside of Brighton, and quite a few English people asked me if I have met any film stars, as I was living in America. They also assumed that I knew someone who died in the World Trade Center, since I am I from NYC (a city of 8.3 million people). This was only a few months after 9-11, and luckily I didn't know any of the victims. What if I had? Not exactly a sensitive way to start that conversation.

Americans aren't especially stupid, though some of us do try very hard (see: Lindsey Lohan). People of all nationalities have the capability of being ignorant and talking out of their asses.

p.s. I agree completely with number 6, and have never in my life heard of 9. The only verified myth-like fact I heard from other Americans is that the British have an unparalleled lexicon of profanity. I came back from England with some stellar words to use in traffic jams.

crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

What's Lindsay Lohan?

squizzer profile image

squizzer 6 years ago

A Lindsay Lohan is that moment when the sudden gut-wrenching urge comes over you to go to toilet when out and about in the mall. There are no toilets and you end up touching cloth. That's a Lindsay Lohan.

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crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Thank you, Squizzer. It sounds like you have a lot of experience of these things.

squizzer profile image

squizzer 6 years ago

Indeed, I do have experience in these matters. I usually feel an LL work its way into my bowels after my fourth double cheeseburger with fries. If I'm lucky it turns out to be nothing more than a Paris Hilton - just a loud gurgling noise, accompanied by lots of hot air.

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crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Wow, Squizzer, with all your knowledge of digestive and obesity problems, you could write a very interesting and entertaining hub on this subject. What part of America are you from?

Lucy 6 years ago

Hahahaha, being from Southend, I enjoyed the part about saying your from London, just because its too hard to explain quite where it is.

Found this very funny. :)

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crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


Didn't realise there was anyone else in the area who looked at this stuff. Where are your hubs?

Jon 6 years ago

As a Brit residing in North America, I find myself answering the well-intended 'where in England are you from?' question with increasing vagueness. It started out as "Lancaster, in the north west of England" which became, "North of England, near Manchester and Liverpool" (despite the hour+ drive away) to "near Scotland" which of course, it isn't. I'll probably just start replying "London" soon... it seems so much easier.

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crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


I have some friends in London. You probably know them ...

BlurUpdates 6 years ago

Shut the hell up, you British shite.

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crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Hey!!! BlurUpdates,

Thanks for your eloquent posting. Where can we see more of your brilliant writing?

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couturepopcafe 6 years ago

Thought provoking, humorous (I actually laughed out loud in spots), well written, condecending, provocative, enlightening, rude, narrow-minded, informative. Yes, thanks to American media, the world will always know far more about the U.S. than the U.S. will ever know about the rest of the world. You'll never know grace, however, if you refuse to go anywhere near it. Don't be so hard on the poor little blighters. We're all doing the best we can. "And golly, pa, some a them cowboys is just the nicest fellas you'll ever meet. Real innocent. Honest to goodness clean slates. I think I'll go round me one up and have me a herd of little ones. Geez, that's all us women er good fer anyway, ain't it, pa?" Hey, do you know Fintan? He lives out your way.

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crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Thanks for that, couture. It's just a joke. Out of my ten hubs, this one has almost 700 views, compared to the next which has around 100. I can only imagine this is because it has the word 'American' in the title. I don't hate Americans at all: it's just that we get the impression that most are insular and childlike. And fat. You laugh at our stereotypes, just as we laugh at yours. Nobody got hurt. Apart from that BlurUpdates bloke above.


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couturepopcafe 6 years ago

Good one, and I actually do get it and agree with you. I hear people say that we think we're superior and all that. Arrogance is everywhere, but we are better than most, except perhaps the Bin Ladens. Cheers. And seriously, have you read 'The Sobriety Chronicles' by Fintan Harvey, one of your own? Well, not your own, an Irishman. He's pretty clever, as well. Glad you responded.

Emma 6 years ago

Hi there :)

Not all Americans are stupid. Just so you know.

Don't lump us all into one because of a few myths and an experience in Louisiana.


Louisiana sucks. If you're smart, you won't go there when you visit this great country. ;)

crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


Could you point out in the text where I actually said that Americans are stupid? No, you can't. And it's not a great country. Just that its residents keep saying it is. Read the Emperor's New Clothes. I wish you'd all get a sense of humour.


Emma 6 years ago


It is not what you said, but what you implied.

And I have read that, it's a great story. But I wish you would've found my response to be funny, since I wasn't trying to be rude. My sense of humor is just so dry!

crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


I've tried hard, but can't spot anything funny in your reply. Am I missing something? Please tell us all a joke

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davidseeger 6 years ago from Bethany, OK

This child is an American. So enjoy. As an American I bear the burden of all the sterotypes fostered by continental and insular Europeans. That's OK. You get to bear yours also. I started reading your hub and noted several responses I wanted to make when it slowly began to down on me the hub was a big put-on. Then I began to enjoy it. Thanks for the moment.

I enjoy the British comedys such as "last Of The Summer Wine." We have three of them every Sunday night on TV. I suppose what I enjoy most is the re-enforcement of the English sterotypes I see. Also, my vocabulary is enhanced by that of these characters. While in England a few years ago I was able to visit the site of some of the scenes shot there. See, some of us do get out of our country and see something besides Westminister Abbey. Which was closed while I was there.

Anyway, thanks for your hub and the amusement I was able to get from it.

crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


Of course it's a joke. It's about British stereotypes, and our own insularity. And yours. But we both enjoyed it. Unfortunately, most of the people above didn't.

Keep laughing.


Jessica 6 years ago

I came across this article while searching for information I should know before I leave to study abroad in London. (Therefore, I have already begun some of the research that you feel tourists do not partake in.) I was quite amused as I can understand completely how the rest of the world sees us Americans as pompous assholes who regard the world as our own simply because we have grown up in the grand old United States. I, in fact, hate this mentality.

Then I became a bit offended because I, as I mentioned, am American. That does not mean, however, that I do not respect the outside world and obviously I am aware of others' opinions. I want to learn and understand that many other nations loathe us for our typical American attitude and I never want to act in a way that will offend a foreigner.

Also, this country IS a great country, as we have many benefits of a strong nation. We may be young and act in an adolescent manner, but we are a damn good nation and we should be as proud of (some) of our history and mannerisms as you obviously are of yours.

Please take no offense of my comment, I just felt it was necessary to document that there are as many stereotypes about Americans as there are any other group of people.

P.S. I have never brought myself to watch an American Football game for its idiocy is appalling.

crassnsilly profile image

crassnsilly 6 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


Tell us a joke

Luddite 5 years ago

There's some exceptionally useful information for the American abroad here.

2. Is very important. Most English people hate London and the Londoners who live there. In fact most people in London aren't English. Its best not to think about these things, but if you want to go to England, avoid London.

3. Is VERY important. Call a Scotsman 'English' and you're pretty much asking for a trip to the Accident & Emergency (which is free of course).

4. This is vital. Football is the national religion in England, especially in Newcastle, Liverpool or Manchester. Wearing a red and white striped top in Newcastle, will result in a second trip to A&E.

6. But, lots of things ARE small...especially distances and minds. A 3-mile trip to the next village is a day-out excursion.

8. Indeed, and if it is cold, just wait for 20 minutes and it will warm up a bit. We talk about the weather a lot, because from moment to moment it really can change. Best to pack a cagoule...or if you want to fit in, buy an umberella. Plain black says 'style'.

9. No, not all of us (although Brighton has a fair few), but we will put a dress on at the drop of a hat. Best not thought about really.

10. Indeed, most English people couldn't tell you what 'quaint' means. Its something we think Americans say. It's worth noting that England has always been the home of coffee, and you won't have to go far to find one, but to get the real taste of England, you have to go for 'a nice cuppa (tea)'. It needs to be hot and milky with sugar to taste.

Now then, a few survival tips for the American tourist. People will probably be very polite (we're like that), and we expect it back thank you very much. You WILL encounter some open wounds between us, so lets just give you a few pointers.

Firstly, you DID NOT rescue us in WWII. We'd be fighting Hitler alone for 3 years - all we needed were armaments. Frankly we think you lot were amateurs...i mean taken completely by surprise by the Japanese, 3 years into a global war? What WERE you doing?

Secondly, America is not 'better'. You're just different. Sort of weird. Most English folk look on Americans as sort of unruly teenagers...loud, clumsy, don't know their own strength, think the world revolves around them. We value modesty, so your confident brashness is likely to prompt some fierce tutting.

3. Get your round in. You may, if you are lucky, find yourself in a traditional pub (they are increasingly rare - don't be fooled by the beer warehouses). If you do, 'get your round in' - that is, you are expected to buy a round of drinks for everyone you're talking to. The larger the group, the more likely you are to get drunk, since you've got to stick with the rounds to get your value back. Don't worry though, public intoxication is not only acceptable, but in many places mandatory.

England is nothing like the world you know...enjoy your time there!

Igor 5 years ago

I visit both UK and USA. Sorry, USA is better country.

Ange 5 years ago

HA loved it, I'm not english nor American but it was brilliant.

And I have got to say, some of the people above really need to lighten up its only a bit of a joke.

Luddiate I love you comment about WW2, nicely put to them. Theres nothing worse than an American who thinks they saved the British's arses in WW2.

And they all seem to easily forget about the British Empire and how they owned half of the world. Fair enough they did give it back because it was too expensive to fight all the rebellion wars but they still owned it.

tjjazz 5 years ago

I hate football. Why does everyone love it so damn much?

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crassnsilly 5 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Thanks tjjazz. Glad you bothered to tell the world, otherwise we would all be so much more ignorant

GregD 5 years ago

Well written

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crassnsilly 5 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Well, written. The internet allows people to "write" comments such as "well written" Write something

Jordyne 5 years ago

I've got several English friends at the university I attend in the US, and in preparation for my month long expedition into England (I'm only going to be in London for two days out of that, I learned that lesson several years ago) they gave me one tip - learn to appreciate (at very least not be offended) by the English sense of humor.

This list was very funny - and truthful, as ashamed as I am to admit it. I'm originally from Texas, as and yes, comparatively England is quite small. However there are easily more people in London than there are in the entirety of west Texas. And by the way - American football may not count in other parts of the world - but we don't really care about rugby either. ;-)

Thanks for the post - and I'll try to keep it in mind as I visit!

Melia 5 years ago

I, like Jessica, came across this article when trying to find information about the do's and do not's about england, since i am going abroad this summer to study at Oxford. I found your comments and stereotypes to be quite true about the average American. However, I've found even in my country it's easier to just say I'm from Atlanta, rather than trying to explain the small town that I reside in that is north of Atlanta. Also, those of us that have trainers and play do sometimes refer to the sport here as football, rather than soccer.... probably because we have foreign coaches though. Finally, it is probably good that y'all (hes, i am from the south) gave up on controlling everything. Imperial overstretch is never a good thing. Anyways, any suggestions on places to visit, things to see, or things to not do?

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crassnsilly 5 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


Thanks for your output. I would suggest visiting the Isle of Wight, off the south coast. It's still mostly like England was in the 1950s, unspoiled and green. Also, go to a football match somewhere obscure, like Southend, and listen to the mad chanting. Avoid London and Stratford-on-Avon. Go up north and talk to some real people. Avoid anything that you can find in America, because you have already seen that. Go to the Cotswolds and take pictures of the Japanese tourists. Look up at the sky and marvel at how small it is.Go west, stop anywhere and just wander about. Listen to BBC Radio 4, or the local BBC stations. Discover Marmite. Watch BBC 2.


Taylor 4 years ago

Actually, "soccer" is the number one sport in America, followed by baseball.

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crassnsilly 4 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


matthew Haughton 4 years ago

oh not everything is small (wink wink)

WTF!!! 4 years ago

o...k the fag part is just rediculous for one, the rest is quite amusing although you're probable as dim witted as the few american people you are describing, probable some southern inbred who thinks he's creating an epistimological break for those whom actuallly take the time to read this :S

zahrah 4 years ago

Hahaha Lindsay Lohan is a famous teenage girl how make very dumb choices.The woman was using her as an example of a dumb americian .She's a person not a very.

Daniel 4 years ago

This was obviously written by some Brit who loves the smell of his own farts. Please, spare us of your pomp and proper nature because, really, no one gives a damn. Jesus, I am so glad we (AMericans, who speak PROPER English) did not continue suckling from the shrunken teat of your crumbling English empire. We saved you in World War I. We saved you in World War II.

And, it's worth mentioning, I mean, let's be real: You still live in a theocracy (The queen was bestowed her powers by whom?). You get mad because some swamp rat from Louisiana doesn't know the quasi-arbitrary difference between Great Britain and England? YOU. LIVE. IN. A. THEOCRACY. The queen is bestowed with undeniable power, and you twits are bloody-well-served for paying with your precious tax dollars.

Really. Get your European head out of your ass. Long live the Americas (A.K.A. "The New World").

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crassnsilly 4 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


Mark 4 years ago

Daniel, Europe is the New 'New World'. Your backward country talks of 'god bless america', 'one nation under god', your politicians say 'god' every two damn minutes - it's YOU who are obsessed and controlled by religious nonsense, as opposed to us, the British, who are far more open minded, well travelled, better informed about the world and educated that you burgermunching, guntoting, insular thick fatties are EVER capable of.

Saved world wars 1 and 2? You did nothing. You came only because of your own interests. You also insult our dead when saying this. If my relative died in these wars, and you said that to me, I'd punch you hard in the throat.

Proper ENGLish comes from ENGLand. You idiots just messed it up and cannot speak properly. Americanisms are banned in my house - speak your garbage here, and I'll tear you up and chuck you in the skip.

As for Americans in general, I cannot stand them. A bunch of fat ignorant pricks who think the world revolves around them. I remember putting this old yank in his place when working in Knightsbridge, I told him to either do things our way, or f**k off back to your socially backward country with your foreign filth. This is the UK, not f**king New Yuck.

Do really, Daniel. Get your insular, pompous, arrogant, ignorant, far right, guntoting, burgermunching head out of your arse and accept the fact now that Europe is more forward thinking, more socially advanced, than your crappy land. I went to America and was surprised how stupid your people were. Your girls aren't even that good in bed. Back in Europe - the women are like supermodels, the people are nice, everyone has fun and enjoys life, and we know there's more to living than being a bunch of money-obsessed capitalist pigs like you.

I pity you and your crap country. I hope it sinks.

By the way, what's it like being China's b***h? :)


(from Chatham, bet you don't know where that is without looking it up - I refuse to say I'm from London for your own convenience, you little s**t. So fa**k you.)

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crassnsilly 4 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

We should put these two in a room (or a ring) and let them settle it. My money's on Mark

Mandi 4 years ago

Thanks for posting, I definitely enjoyed it!

I haven't been to England, only Ireland several times.

And I've traveled all over the US, just shy of all 50 states.

Just putting this out there...

-Americans are different from corner to corner of the country. The North East attitude is a far cry from the pleasant Midwesterners. The laid back west coast has a very different feel from the proper politeness of the southerners. And Alaska and Hawaii? Completely different worlds! Just sayin'....

-Americans do not travel out of their country very much because they don't have to. Sunny beaches? Got it. Skiing? Got it. Hiking, national parks, metropolitan cultural hubs, etc. It is more practical to stay stateside than pay out the wazoo for overseas airfare when you can access plenty of good stuff here. You can't fault us for that.

- THE MOST OBVIOUS AND OVERLOOKED POINT ABOUT AMERICA(NS): we seem self-centered and egocentric about our culture largely for geographic reasons. We are self-contained by two oceans on either side. Drive for 24 hours straight and you are still in....America. In Europe, you'd have crossed a million borders by then. I remember driving from Dublin to Galway with some Dubliners who couldn't understand why we'd want to drive so long across the country (three hours). To us, we drive that long and haven't gotten out of our own state. It's easy to be self-centered when you're surrounded by...yourself. The geographical vastness of America, I've found, is not understood by most Europeans. (I recall some British friends who decided in their week holiday in the US they were going to drive from New Jersey to Florida. When we asked if they were sure they wanted to spend 2 days of their short trip driving, they replied, "Two days??!! Drive for two days?!" Again, no concept how far away things are on our map.

I'm saying this because Europeans accuse us of being ethnocentric, which is true, but I'm sure if Pennsylvania was a different country with a different language and culture, we'd be a bit more diversity-minded, too. So cut us a break. And next time you come to the US for vacation (I'm sorry, "a holiday"), please look a little closer at how far away things are on the map!

Dawgnammit 4 years ago

Hey!! If it wasn't for America you wouldn't have horses or apple pie.

Lourdes 4 years ago

I'm from London and I found this sooo funny - particularly the bit about tourists trying to visit all the landmarks in one day. So true!

Laury 4 years ago

I agree with most of this, but I hope you don't think that all Americans think this way about England. I mean, you visited the South, please don't judge all Americans on the South.

american101 4 years ago

you are all dumb

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crassnsilly 4 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Did you think of that all by yourself, or did another half-wit help you with the difficult bits?

Rob 4 years ago

This is all so true, made me smile. I'm always amused by how many Americans ask "where's the fog?" Most English people have never seen old time fog.

Rowton 4 years ago

Hello. Happen to be an American from the middle west who chooses to overlook and to forgive the world for their intense hatred of me. Is that arrogant? Probably. I have always wanted to travel abroad especially to England, Scotland and Ireland. Hope just naming the countries themselves isn't conceived as stupid or arrogant. Unfortunately, not everyone can afford to do this. Sometimes, it is not a superior attitude that keeps many Americans away but it is that most of us just are not that wealthy also, there is so much anti-American sentiment worldwide I do not know if I would be safe in another country. If I did get the opportunity to travel I probably wouldn't want to talk because of my American accent. When I worked in a large city I encountered many people from foreign countries and I am sorry to say the vast majority were quite hateful and had only bad things to say to me. I always wondered why they stayed since they hated our land and our country so much. I do not hate any of you who are not American. I truly believe many people are simply misguided and ignorant of our ways. Have you all ever considered that our armed forces have to go to where they are sent and that we not only have no choice in the matter but maybe don't want to be there but just want to be home with our families and protecting our own borders than to be "imposing our will and our way of life" on the rest of the world? We know you do not want us in your lives but sometimes we have to obey our leaders in order to earn a paycheck. It is politicians who run the countries who decide these things. To be fair, America is probably the most extroverted country that ever was. Being a true blue introvert myself I don't care to be around loud extroverted people either.

No, the U.S. did not win WW1 or WW2 singlhandedly and I honestly haven't heard that of any Americans myself. I am sure it has been said though. My own father was in the U.S.Army Air Corps in WW2 and he never believed that either. Actually, England had been at war for a long time and when we entered into the war, and I like to think she still would have prevailed. Thank God you had Sir Winston Churchill. Do you still revere him today in England? I hope so. Everyone I know have shown only admiration for your nation and your people. Was that childish and rude or stupid? I did not know only America was these things.

I really never realized how little you all know of the true average American.

Take it from this tired, hard working, honest,God-fearing, I'll try to fing the time to be arrogant once in a while, American, hatred just drains a body. Stop and think about things before just hating people you do not really know. Mr. crass I found your posts rather cute and a bit humorous. Not something to take seriously, but with so much anti-American posts I've just read I just couldn't stay quiet any longer.

Antonio 4 years ago

I am proud to say I am a Latin American in the U.S., a place of many opportunities and benefits. We never speak bad of the U.K., certain tales maybe because of America's sense of humor for the outside world. This land is famous for its landmarks, businesses, food varieties, celebrities, networks, technology, and so much more. There are so many immigrants in the U.S., lots of them being from Europe with many of their old beliefs and ideas that have been handed to us. So by insulting America you are actually insulting yourself, since we are the offspring of the U.K. and many European countries. We have a blend of cultures and ethnic backgrounds that give us the name "The Melting-pot." We have so many great and diverse cities that have their own unique slang, vibe, food, and history. We say "God" because he is who has given us this opportunity to make such a great country where everyone is free to have a voice. We are not at all too spiritual, in fact we all depend on one another to guide us to that certain point. We have succeeded architecturally, media wise, sports wise, educationally, politically, and economically. So anybody from England or the entire U.K. should feel free to visit a couple of our many intelligent and fascinating cities, old and new. We have everything that England has and more, not to say England doesn't posses its own rare qualities. For the fact that this country has only been around for less than 500 years, you've aught to give us an applause for all that we have accomplished and where we stand. Also, keep in mind that America looks out for itself as well as for other countries in time of war and struggle; we stand by our allies now and forever even if/when it has no benefit to us.

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crassnsilly 4 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

And that, chaps, was the voice of dourness. No Sense Of Humour. If you have nothing to say, Antonio and Rowton, say it to someone else. Tell us a joke.

Rowton 4 years ago

Did you hear the one about the burglar who broke into the house of a Christian woman?

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crassnsilly 4 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Yes. The Christian says: "I believe that a man in the sky created the world in seven days, and I will go to a happy land when I die, but only if I believe this childish reduction of the explanation of existence is true. I believe this because I have been told that if I don't, bad things will happen to me, and I will go to unhappy land. However, if I hide behind this silly story, and try to frighten other people by using 'the Word of God' as an excuse, I have no need to follow the teachings of Jesus, who simply asked us to love one another. In fact, I can become a part of a church, and frighten other people. If I work hard at frightening people with the Word of God, I get to wear special clothes and hats made woven from gold, because I will be one of God's spokespersons."

And the burglar says: "And I thought I was a bad person ..."

.. 4 years ago

It is said that Mohandas Ghandi was asked, "What is your opinion of American civilization?"

His reply: "I think it would be an excellent idea."

Birdwhisperer 4 years ago

Being in a group conversation with mainly Americans of very hi IQ, this series of exchanges presents a magnificent mixture of human emotions and misconceptions. The driving force is clearly Chris but even he doesn't always pick up on truths as his demands for jokes demonstrates. The only real truth, that gets hammered out time and again, is that any nation that becomes preeminent will be envied by other nations and denigrated as an exercise in personal pride. For individuals, the personal prejudices will emerge, always as personal superiority with the level of such being proportional to the success of the nation of the target. Britain shows all the symptoms displayed by all preeminent nations in decline and America is beginning to show the same. Their primary position, now waning, was shorter lived than UKs, probably because it was a "Bought Empire". Now, there was an Engishman, an Irishman and an American - sorry, got that wrong, There was an Englishman and two Americans...

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crassnsilly 4 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

No Sense Of Humour. Again.

CaptainAwesome 4 years ago

umad bro?

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crassnsilly 4 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

One day, Captain Awesome, you may learn to type with more than one finger. The world is waiting.

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MickiS 4 years ago from San Francisco

Thank you, crassnsilly, for the humour. I found this Hub to be very entertaining...being American with British in-laws. We really are a different lot.

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crassnsilly 4 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

There was a comment just up there, which I deleted, from a coward who hid behind the name 'ape'. Although it's great to be able to write something, it's bad to just type nothing. If you are stoned. Internet: good and bad.

goldietalker 4 years ago

just saying, not all british guys are gay. I don't really get why you think that, seeing as americans are the ones famous for their obsession with looks. (Not that I'm saying its true, I don't think it is, I just don't really get where that stereotype came from.) :)

NathanTheScotsman 4 years ago

Yeah, I read the 'hub'(? I don't know because I don't know this site) and thought it was pretty entertaining. But when I saw the comments I was like, 'This is why I hate America.' but on another subject that is not completely different but still somewhat different. If England did take over Scotland in the 12-16hundreds, their would be no hubpages.com, no computer, no Internet, no TV. This must be difficult to concept. A world without free pornography(this is mainly for Americans.). As many scots will tell you, Sir John Logie Baird (I know, weird name) invented to first, albeit rather rudimentary, television. Or the steam engine, or even basic medical science. I know I've kind of trailed off into a Scottish VS English thing but I've got one more point. That is the wright brothers were the not the first people to fly a flying machine. It was a Welshman. That means their from Wales, got that you Yankees?


Missy_Lea 4 years ago

I stumbled upon your blog when I was googling some colloquialisms from an English friend of mine. I am, in fact, an American and I laughed through the whole thing. We Americans do tend to defend a rather ridiculous sense of pride in things we have a very shallow grasp on... Most certainly if you throw the word "America" or "Americans" into the mix.

I love having a friend from Derby who teases me and teaches me things about England I'd probably never know otherwise.

And the great thing about blogs is that you don't actually HAVE to read them.... So we should all take ourselves less seriously and laugh more.

Thanks for the read!

LoopyCanadian 4 years ago

Being from Canada and therefore able to take a more objective view of this article and the lengthy conversation following, I'd just like to say thank you for providing me with such wonderful entertainment!

I especially liked the part about England not being cold on the time, as we have the same misconception about Canada. There have even been occasions where somebody in the United States has put on a parka (winter coat, not sure if you all use the term parka) on a hot summer day to cross the border into Canada (which, might I add, you can see from the other side), thinking that it would be snowing over here. (Calm down, I know that's not everybody, so don't think I'm making generalizations!). Some people even think we all live in igloos!

In Canada we have the added challenge of distinguishing between whether a city being spoken of is in Canada or England, since many of our cities and towns are named after yours (eg. London, Chatham, Bradford, Cambridge...the list is endless)although in person, at least, the accent would be a giveaway.

I'm curious what stereotypes English people have about us Canucks?

Sorry for straying from the "England vs. America" line of conversation! I tend to do that.

coelocanth 4 years ago

crassnsilly, nice one son.

LoopyCanadian, as a Brit who spent his childhood in Canada, I'm afraid I have to tell you that the average Brit doesn't really have any stereotypes about Canucks and if they think about them at all they imagine a kind of Yank lite: more polite and inoffensive yet quite hard to distinguish from the full-fat version further south.

And NathanTheScotsman: chill out. You're displaying precisely the the sort of attitude that gets Smelly Socks the reputation of being humourless and uptight.

Subterfuge 4 years ago from USA

Your stereotyping of Americans ( Americans in the south per some of the commenters) is regrettable. I am an American, living in the south; I read your article and found it to be fairly rediculous. So you encountered idiots, sorry we're not ALL that way. This article does the SAME disservice to Americans as you feel Americans do to all you "Londoners" (scoff). It's too bad you didn't meet one of the many Americans who aren't complete dumbasses and who, in fact, drive (nay, race even) English made cars (even "classic" minis, keeping right hand drive to boot), who enjoy soccer (go Arsenal), who know history.... ( I could go on and on ticking off the subject matter in your article here, but I won't). We're not all "berks" or isolationists.

Emanuel702 4 years ago

This is stupid... i feel bad for your experience with Americans. Not all Americans are this stupid but true there are only a handfull of Americans who do not belive these things or think this way!

James 4 years ago

Being a Welshman, I am sick of the ignorance of Americans.

All I hear from them is "What the hell is Wales?" "Wales is in England, right?" "Wait that's in Austrailia isn't it!"

If you spoke in a Welsh accent to an American, they'd say your accent is anything but Welsh.

I just wish America would go and fucking learn about the outside world before labelling the whole of the UK the same stereotypes.

Crystal 4 years ago

Next time you visit America, visit the north. You seeming to be judging us on a whole based on having visited only the lower half.

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crassnsilly 4 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

No, Crystal, my visit there is just a small part of the picture. Most of it has been formed by meeting Americans in England, seeing them on documentaries like The Simpsons, and the comments of people like yourself.

valerie wilde 4 years ago

I am an american who is obsessed with english culture. I wish i was british and i plan on living in the uk for a bit of my college career. I enjoyed your article, but i was a bit offended. Not all americans are like that which you described. Probably only twenty percent are. Do all of you view us that way? I hate to think what people will think of me when i come over and they hear my american accent! P.s. we say tits too

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crassnsilly 4 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


Andy 4 years ago

I've just got to put my tuppence worth in here. I'm English, my grandfathers were Welsh and Scottish and my grandmothers English and Northern Irish. I feel an affinity with most of the UK and most of the English speaking world as I have family and friends in Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and Canada. Found the article very funny and the responses equally amusing however I'm amazed at how quickly people find ways to cause divisions. Satirical humour (in the best Python tradition) is a part of our heritage but it can seem disrespectful to the untrained ear. Anyway I can hear the ominous typing of crassnsilly asking me to tell a joke so..........

A man walks into the doctors with a banana in his left ear, a cucumber in his right ear and a carrot up his nose and says to the doctor "What's wrong with me?" To which the doctor replies, "You're not eating properly"..........I thank you

Polly 3 years ago

Wow. Well I'm an Australian girl about to travel to England for a gap year (hence how I found this page, was looking up useful information) and I can safely say if I ever get bored I'll find one random Brit and another random American and just watch. The entire page brought me to tears of hilarity at the trifling arguments occuring in the conversation! Well done on excellent entertainment.

My mum is of English descent and my Dad grew up in America. I have toured around California and can safely say that not all Americans are rude and arrogant.

Foreigners seem to focus on the stereotype of each country and are assured that they are in the right. I can assure you as an Australian I am not lazy, I don't live on a farm nor do I say Gday, ever. I am not your stereotypical Australian and I don't know many (if any) who are.

In the end we should all understand that with the population being over 7 billion no two people are the same.

Again, thanks for the entertainment and for warning me about what I may come across in my gap year adventures!

TOMMY 3 years ago

Polly , dont you worry we love the ausies over hear, Kiwis and canadians,also very werlcome ,

Polly 3 years ago

Oh Thanks Tommy, that's very good to hear!

Kiki 3 years ago

I'm an American and I knew all of that

Jean Paldan 3 years ago

You missed the obvious 'the English have bad teeth'. As an American transplant in England, I can say that you are wrong on a few of these.

1. Everything in England is small, in comparison. The fact that my refrigerator fits under my counter top, and my washer and dryer are in the kitchen are glaring examples. Don't get me started on how tiny the roads are.

2. Playing geographical 'I know somebody' goes both ways. I'm from Michigan, which is pretty much the same size as England, but we have less people. Do you know how many English have said 'Oh Michigan...that's by Ohio right? I have a mate from there...do you know Jerry? I think he lives by a lake'.

3. England is cold *most* of the time. But this is just due to poor insulated houses. Michigan's cold makes this place look like Dubai. But we have really well insulated houses, hence why we all think its freezing half the time.

4. I live in Oxford. Shit here is old dude...really really old. And yes, I do find that, and the fact that people offer me tea all the time, very quaint.

You emailed my little company http://rareformnewmedia.com (owned by me, an American). So I thought I would check out your blog...and stumbled across this article. Suggestion...when you go back to the states, avoid the square states, and the south. Go to the north. Michigan is lovely in the summer. :) Jeannie x

Cyanmanta 3 years ago

It's quite telling what stereotypes you hold of Americans from this list, actually.

1) Americans don't all know or like each other, either. The imbecile in the cowboy hat that cornered you in the loo would be considered just as much of an idiot in any major US city as you took him for. He's a rube, and we would all recognize him as such. In fact, based on your description, I'm thinking of getting him drunk and stealing his dumb pretend cowboy hat...

2) America is not Louisiana. Spend a day in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Austin, Chicago, Washington, Miami, etc., and you will learn that immediately. As soon as you step off the plane, in fact. Granted, you may be repulsed by the sight of the Americans in the airport terminal, but at least they're all about to board a plane and leave town, so you won't have to deal with them...

3) The North is not the South is not the Midwest is not the West. Cultural divides within the US are massive, at least as massive as the divides between the four countries of the UK and the north/south divide within England itself. If you need proof, just watch the debates between Obama - a Midwestern biracial urbanite with a mother in Hawaii - and Romney - a New England capital vulture from Michigan with an unfortunate need to pander to southern evangelicals and Utah mormons. Try not to despair too much for humanity as you listen to them talk...

4) Not all of us care about sport. I don't care about your football, I don't care about OUR football, but I do know the difference, and if you say the word "football" to me, I will know what you mean. If you expect me to understand cricket, though, that is asking far too much.

5) Not everything in America is less than 200 years old. The very church I attended as a child is more than 300 years old, and many missionary settlements in Florida and California, for example, are older than four centuries. Not that most Americans know that, but if you ask Spain, I'm sure they'll confirm our story (assuming they're not still bitter, that is).

6) Not everything in America is big. That includes the people, by the way; we're not all fat. I think the term is "big boned."

7) Not everyone in America wears a cowboy hat. In big cities, a cowboy hat is often a signal that you're cruising for gay sex, actually. Imagine the look on Texans' face when they pick up on that bit of information...

8) America is not warm and sunny all the time. Trust me on this: the average temperature where I live is about 55 degrees in the spring, 75 in the summer, 45 in the autumn, and 25 in the winter. And yet, we are still able to produce a massive amount of wine here; go figure...

9) A lot of us yanks actually ARE fags. Myself included, although I'm more on the asexual side, not unlike your national treasure Stephen Fry (big fan of QI, by the way).

10) America is not stupid. Make no mistake: our politics most certainly are, from chest-pounding heads of state right down to the tiniest individual single-issue voter who thinks Obama is a secret muslim from Kenya who eats babies for dinner. But there are plenty of intelligent people here in the land of burger-eating invasion monkeys, and we would love to visit the UK (I'm going myself in a few months, and I'm quite excited about it. Don't try to stop me; my ticket and hotel room are already paid for...)

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crassnsilly 3 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Talk about yourself somewhere else

Roni 3 years ago

I found this really funny, and somewhat helpful, what really got me is the 'quaint' i cannot even express how many times i've heard people use that word to describe stuff in England, for example my friend said "the loos were so quaint, along with the little coffee shops.'

Caitlin 2 years ago

Crassnsilly, you are the ignorance you see in Americans.

Charlesholmes 2 years ago

Mark. You are nothing more then a lying angry good for nothing troll. You have never been to america, and your response pretty mush shows you are not an educated well traveled person otherwise you wouldn't have to spout off nothing but stereotypes. Burgermunching, guntoting? What are you 12?, and lol @ your threats of violence, so civilized . Big talking clowns like you are mostly cowards, who never back up all your talk. Your "proper english" does nothing more then make idiots like you sound smarter then you really are. You hope it sinks? And what of the 700k british that call america home? You know the ones that have seen the light, and by light I mean the SUN! or the other many europeans that call america home? In general you know nothing of americans other then sterotypes, you are as ignorant as they come. Do you really expect anyone to believe any woman would go to bed with a pr*ck like you without being paid? No self respecting american woman (or any woman for that matter) would go to bed with you, not even a woman in the yUK, who are known to be alot "friendier" if you know what I mean. Yes in europe they enjoy life and have fun, which is why there are constant riots and killings at soccer matches, and the oh so open minded europeans who make monkey noises and throw bananas at black soccer players, yeah talk about backwards. Lol @ you pity, that's sweet, but no thank you, we actually make and go to our dentist appointments and get plenty of sun so we wont end up resembling pale yellow crooked toothed ogres like you, the yUK named peoples magazines ugliest people in the world. Capitalistic pigs? Yeah because being a socialistic nitwit is the epitome of human civilization. Lol delusional clown.

Hows it feel to be chinas b***h? Wouldn't know since we aren't. Now let me ask you. Hows it feel to be islams b***h? Have they finished implementing their sharia law throughout the country yet? While idiots like you complain like children about what americans thousands of miles away think of you, you ignore or are completely oblivious to what's going on in your s***hole of a country. America will never sink, the yUk on the other hand, well not only will it sink from the constant rain but also from all the tears from the unfortunate people who are stuck in that crap place, I know if I lived in that s***hole I'd leave as much as possible too.

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

I spent a long time writing this, making sure the capital letters were in the right place. Then an illiterate drunk turns up, screaming at somebody else. Please, children, have your fights in your own playground

dee dar 2 years ago

I think charlie boy has just backed up what your hub is all about i think he needs to get a kleenex and dry his eyes humourless prick its a joke you twat

gerald wiley 2 years ago

RE the nob of the previous post,To quote the krays film "you got fack all to say and your saying it to loud" toddle pip

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

'Gerald Wiley' was the pseudonym of the great Ronnie Barker, writing for The Two Ronnies and elsewhere. For anyone, such as the illiterate person above, to hijack this name is a disgrace. Please, please please, if you ever have any children, get someone else to educate them.

Ian 2 years ago

Football IS soccer. Soccer was originally called Association football, so people took the "soc" from Association, and stuck an -er on it to make soccer.

Jim 2 years ago

This should really be a help file for the English who seem to think that England = uk in almost everything they say.

Tim 2 years ago

The anti american sentiments in here are hilarious.

Guess what England? We don't care. Obviously being dethroned as a world power by the U.S. and becoming our puppet has been a painful process. Now go worship you queen you pigeons.

Funny stuff. The entire up on your high horse attitude of England was their downfall and they still embrace acting like a bunch of uptight weenies.

Scatt 2 years ago

All you need to know about England....


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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

This was never intended to be anti-American (has a capital letter, Tim). If it's anti-anything, it's anti-ignorance. But some people start boohooing if you criticise their country, just like some religions will attempt to kill unbelievers. If you have any humour, please spread it around.

Matt 2 years ago

I think we all lose thoughts based on emotions.

When we come to a conscience as humans, maybe we'll stop attacking each other and understand.

*Side note based on hate, I wish aliens would attack us like movies because we'd come together and after, we'd never part.

Barry 2 years ago

as a Canadian reading this I see both sides of the fence, a lot of the things brits say about Americans is true (sort of) but PLEASE stop saying America and referring to only the states. Canad is a different and diverse country and YES!! we have Canadian football that although similar to US football is a brand all its own and is not as stupid as it's portrayed in this article. Give your collective heads a shake and realize that both Britain (England, Ireland, Scotland and wales ) and the USA have an identity smugness that is unique to each of you. We're a hybrid of both and it's us neither of you understand at all!! and all the while we sit back and have the laugh on your dime/schilling ....ugh!!!

Erica 2 years ago

I found some of the things to be very informational and funny at some points ,but you and some others are grooping an entire nation off of one place americas regions are all different i've travelled many places and each place is different.I unserstand how it gets annoying being asked asked the same thing over and over, but we are just curious about other cultures,and we are two different cultures with strong points and very weak points.If you compare two different places you see their ideals are different.America has many smart people maybe you are assuming to much. We like to have fun, but we have so many groups you have to find that group meant for you.People don't realize this but our envirenent affects some of your thoughts if you live in another very different place do you believe you'd have the same ideals .However, it was a very informational to me.

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


Were you never taught spelling or punctuation? This is really sad.

Jimbo 2 years ago

" You also insult our dead when saying this. If my relative died in these wars, and you said that to me, I'd punch you hard in the throat."

I hate your dead, and I'm glad they're dead. If I could, I'd come over there and beat the piss out of you. England sucks. Go find Mary Poppins and fix your rotting teeth, and I hope your children die of cancer.

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

I could have deleted the above. But it's staying. Forever.

Hello 2 years ago

Your post seem a little arrogant, but your replies were more telling. NSOH? Maybe you aren't as funny as you think.

hhhhhhh 2 years ago

I'm English and we do say quaint !? Lots of other points are not true too !

Jessica 2 years ago

Haha, I'm starting to regret living in America after reading a few of these ignorant comments by people from America. I found your article quite hilarious, and take no offense to anything (I don't know, maybe I should have? But I didn't). Yes, about 35%-36% of our people are obese and most are a bunch of uneducated, gun-weidling rascists, some people aren't half bad (what am I saying, I live in a self-absorbed, obscene, country full religious and political zealots). Either way, I think both countries are great and people need to learn how to have a sense of humor.

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


Thanks for laughing. This was aimed at English people who have all heard these sort of questions before. Many of your compatriots see the slightest criticism of your country as the signal to get all defensive, then offensive. America has produced some great comedy (we love Frazier repeats), but also the humourless bile-spiiters above.

Nina 2 years ago

Why... oh... why do American's refer the U.K as "England"?? England is a part of the United Kindom, it is not not I repeat NOT!, the hole country, it is made up of three other countries Scotland,Northan Ireland, and Wales not Whales thats the sea type mammal, and Wales isn't a city in England, calling a Scotsman, Northan Irishman or Welshman as English is most offensive, please... before you opening your mouths do your research on the history and geography.

America certainly did not bale us out of WW2, nor did they win the war of Independence as this was a colonel war, so in a way we beat ourselves.

What also ticks me off is Americans rewriting history namely Hollywood, so when it comes historical films the American's have to win no matter which time the film is set in.

I could go on... I had my rant...I just have to quietly smile to myself.

MattyP 2 years ago

Some of this is funny, yet some of this is very condescending. I am from the U.S. and I understand that a lot of Americans can be a bit ignorant....okay, let's face it, some of them are EXTREMELY ignorant. But don't be fooled. America does not have the corner market on ignorance! There are a lot of ignorant people in England, and the rest of the world as well. It's very ironic how the person who typed this list made it sound like Americans are all self-important and wish to know nothing about any other country, when this very list is typed in a way that makes this British person seem very self-important, as if England is the ONLY country on Earth. A point needs to be made, that just because someone doesn't know about your country, it does NOT make them ignorant. It simply means they don't know about your country. I guarantee you that there are things that they know, but you don't know! Does that make YOU ignorant? Nope. I simply have one more thing to say about all of it: Stop being so condescending when talking to people. You'll find in life, that when you treat other people with dignity and respect, you'll be far more happy and less prone to thinking that you're better than others.

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Matty P doesn't get the joke! Probably any joke. Q: Where are your hubs, Matty P? A: Nowhere. Too much responsibility to think of your own topic.

wonkotsane 2 years ago

This is funny but if you were being ironic by explaining the difference between England and Britain and then confusing them yourself it'll be lots on the yanks because they don't know what irony is (Shania Twain evidencing that).

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


MichaelGardner 2 years ago from Watford, England

Legend. I always have good banter with my American family. I'm English and from watford. Luckily my sister in law and her family have a great laugh with us. I think both sides are guilty if being as stupid as the other. I think national pride gets in the way of seeing the bigger picture, being proud is good but having open mind to others view is important. My new family didn't really have a clue about ww2 from the British or European view. I've also got a grandad in Vietnam which they didn't realise went back to communism lol. I think we should all just have a laugh, no country is perfect, unless your talking about Wales

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Yes, Michael, it's a joke. The people who don't realise this get annoyed. You don't. You laugh. Good for you. By the way, where is Wales?

MichaelGardner 2 years ago from Watford, England

Wales. Is the country to the west of England. It's where the native Britons were pushed to when the Romans and Saxons invaded. Wales and England always have a dig at each other but it's all just fun.

USA citizen 2 years ago

Not all Americans think the way the world presumes we think. Just like I know what football really is. I know how far history goes back. The Big Bang? Who doesn't know. Give us a break Brits. We are all brothers by blood regardless.

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

USA citizen? Is that your entire identity? Your country gave us Frazier and Kristen Wiig, yet so many people there have No Sense Of Humour.

Jac 2 years ago

All you offended Americans ...chill out and have a cuppa tea and a crumpet and stop worrying about your teeth,the majority of you do not have a SOH, so nobody gets to see them anyway :)

Paolo Rinaldi 2 years ago

I love America but I had never been to the USA. My favorite American nations are: Cuba, Argentina, Chile and Uruguay. I hope to make it to North America and visit the USA. Sadly with all the killings going on there is not a safe place to visit. So it will be a long time before I make it to North America. I had never heard of soccer but I love our football. And yes most North Americans I had met are very ignorant when it comes to culture, languages or knowing about other places. I don't think that they get good education. BTW if it had not been for Spain and then Portugal NOBODY would had gone to the New World. BY the time Mayflower landed in the USA the Spaniards were having tapas and red wine with all the Native American Indians across America.

Nick 2 years ago

This article is ridiculous. As an American, I can't say I know a single American who is confused about any of these points, much less all of them. You accuse Americans of playing on stereotypes, yet each item in this list plays on the basest stereotypes of Americans. Pathetic.

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Sorry. Did I mention I'm a prejudiced idiot?

MichaelGardner 2 years ago from Watford, England

I think without the spaniards someone would of found it eventually. Let's not forget the Vikings stepped foot on North American soil first. And the Chinese put it on the map before the discovery age. Can't believe people are actually offended by this hub

Megan 2 years ago

You forgot the fact that many Americans (and others) believe that the Union Jack represents, and is, the flag of England. The flag of England is white, with a large red cross. Union Jack, the one with the blue, white and red, represents several countries united together.

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Megan – great punchline!

Xanthippus 2 years ago

Most Americans don't care to understand about the minor details in Britain for the same reason all foreigners don't understand the massive multicultural differences between American regions. It's simply because its not their home and they don't have much interest in it. The US did not become assimilated into one dominant Norman culture the way the British isles had been. The differences between modern Scots, Welsh, Cornish, or even the northern English from the mainstream southern English are relatively minute compared to the North American continent. There's also the fact that most 'white' Americans are either of German or Scots-Irish descent and both of them have historically poor relations with the English so the referrals to Britain as "England" goes back to the Revolutionary War.

dianne 2 years ago

I was reading this and enjoying it right up to the two minute, completely unnecessary rant in the middle about obese or overweight people. Didn't bother reading the rest after that. If you want to write an article about obesity feel free but don't high jack an otherwise good piece on sprouting, totally off topic, shit.

Tom 2 years ago

I admit I got a little fired up initially, but then I remembered subtle sarcasm is a commonplace British talent. I have been trying to read up on the history of Great Britain and while it is fascinating (I did not know the Celts originated from the Basque region) I found the historical events and differences relating to Scots/Welsh/Cornish/English/Normans, etc and what led up to the UK to be extremely complex. Like it seems as if there are entire university courses dedicated to just one particular area of British history.

aussie 2 years ago

Not long ago I overheard a couple of American academics labelling all "Ossies" "benign and ridiculous". Bit difficult to understand why they would have had such a strong reaction of shame and embarrassment upon being notified I was an "Ossie" if I was indeed the benign and ridiculous one in that situation.

Jim 2 years ago

I'm gripping my pipe roughly.

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Is that a euphemism?

Michael Taylor 2 years ago

I was on the train a few years ago from Kings Cross to Darlington. Before we even reached Peterborough a middle aged American lady asked if we were in Scotland yet! I replied that it would be a few hours before we reached the border. When I was getting off at Darlington they asked me the same question!

Donut 2 years ago

I am an American, just so you know. I agree with what you said about American football. I have not yet found a sillier sport, despite what all my classmates say.

Ben 2 years ago

1st of all, St. Augustine, Florida is 449 years old. So yes, there are man made structures on US soil older than 400 years. 2nd, Shakespeare died in 1622. I believe it was Queen Helen, roughly 40 years later, who enacted laws to educate children to speak "The Queen's English", which some areas (Cockney, etc...), apparently missed. 3rd, not all Americans are pompous twits with no regard or respect for other cultures. We are generally educated in most foreign matters later in our schooling and usually by choice. Being so close to Mexico and other Hispanic nations, it is most likely the majority, given a choice, will choose Spanish, as it pays more if you know it. I know many Englanders who come to our country with as much ignorance as I'm sure there are Americans over there. It is certainly a situation bereft with preconceived notions and expectations which turn out to be half truths by both parties. Not all Americans are the bumbling idiots Brits express upon as I'm sure not all Brits take after Tolkien, Thatcher or some shaved-headed 300 pound ninny in a bar that likes to bump heads with his mates to show off. And yes, I thought Todd Margaret was a scream.

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Cheer up, Ben.

edwarddenty 2 years ago

Wow just read this whole thing....

Ryan 2 years ago

U do realize that there is a American Football stadium in London. Plenty of English people are American Football fans. Those people are actually some of the few who actually are not ignorant enough to say that American Football is a joke. You do realize that your football, is just a boring game where people kick a ball around. Trust me I am a fan of Liverpool FC but saying that American Football is a joke is like saying your football is Action-Packed! Just saying.

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crassnsilly 2 years ago from leigh-on-sea Author


What does 'just saying' mean? Like it's not your opinion. Cheer up, grow up and don't use the word 'actually' twice in the same sentence.

Viki 2 years ago

Going to put this arlctie to good use now.

K- 21 months ago

I had to stop reading this from wanting to poke my eyes out. By far the most "pompous" garbage I've ever read. Only thing that made it worth it, is reading the comments in where individuals have clever comebacks or valid points and all you can say is some half assed insult that you thought was funny so you can try to save face. Good stuff. Don't bother responding to this comment btw lol

Kaily 21 months ago

This is hilarious. Being from America, I can say some of these are so true!!! I never understood the big deal about our version of football either;)

BenSmith 21 months ago

Good article.

JJ 21 months ago

Did you know that England has 40% less puppies than Australia?

This combined with generally cold and dreary weather often results

in higher depression rates. Results are more commonly found in

larger cities such as London and Bristol.

Miles 20 months ago

Many years ago I worked in an office with my other British colleagues. One day I asked one them who the Prime Minister was. 'Lionel Blair' was his answer. Ignorance is everywhere!

It made me think though. Lionel Blair would have made an excellent premier. We could have resolved the Falklands problem with a dance off with the Argentinians. The Monday morning commute, all of us in Sequins and perma-tans.

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crassnsilly 20 months ago from leigh-on-sea Author

Thanks, Miles. That's very funny. Listen to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue on Radio 4 to hear some ripe Lionel Blair jokes.

Edd 18 months ago

I guess many Americans will feel, in their own words, "butthurt". Too bad that they've never experienced sarcasm before. Huh, I really hate people who are too serious about themselves and cannot laugh about such -transcendent- matters. Funny article, if sometimes too quaintly bitter for our fellow Americans. I genuinely loved the "England is surrounded by water but it is flooded in tea."


ZG Milovanovic 6 months ago

Hi Americans

I have been to your great country but I was a bit upset when some asked me if it snowed in England or do I know a great guy called Alan Thomson from Hull in East Yorkshire or have I met Queen Liz.?

Anyways, to expel another myth about the weather, yesterday it was 35 degrees Celsius and I know you still do that with Fahrenheit. Also the temps last night in some parts were 28 degrees c or about 80 f something degrees.

I think a lot of it is down to Hollywood allowing a stereotypical view of England when a film is made and also the fault of buyers of British programmes who don't buy many because the may not understand it with our ways. Also we seem to be guilty of that with producing "Downton Abbey" and Jane Austin stories for the world to perpetuate a false view of the dear country .

Monty Python came close to showing what we Brits are really like along with "Top Gear". So Americans, why not demand to see the real UK and if you are planning to visit the country try looking at the English countryside in Yorkshire (beautiful) or even a Beatles tour (on your own in a car without a tour guide) in Liverpool, anything other than just London or Stratford-upon- Avon (which is not in London) to see where Shakespeare was born or even a Test cricket match, England vs Australia is a good 'un as we hate each other when it comes to sport. Forget going to football as our England players are a bunch of overpaid J. Arthurs. (you will have to look up the meaning of this)

Anyway enjoy.

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