What happens when you go to jail
Yep, it happens!
There are times in life when certain things happen, whether or not you have actually committed a crime will eventually be determined by a Court of Law and a Jury of your Peers (if you so choose). But until that time, you may have to spend a night or two in your County jail.
Hand cuffing process
For the most part you will be handcuffed by the officer who is taking you in. If you have a TRUE and valid reason you cannot be cuffed behind your back, the officer may decide to be nice and let you have the cuffs in the front. Provided you are nice and not belligerent, meaning cooperative with the police, they might be nice. But then again, they might not.
There are times when the officer will not be nice, no matter how nice you are. It happens, for the most part the police are human’s as well. I know some of you may want to debate that.
"You know the Drill" (really officer I don't!)
If this is your first run in with the law, your booking officer may not believe you. They expect to see repeat offenders, not ’A-liners’(the term for being locked up the first time). If your a woman it will be a little different from what happens with the men. You will be escorted into a ‘booking room’ and handed over from the arresting officer to the booking officer. This is generally done at a County jail.
Steps 1 thru 11
1. You will be checked for tattoos and scars or identifying marks, writing them down if they are found.
2. If you’ve never been arrested before you will be yelled at and disbelieved for not knowing the proper procedures. This is during picture time, when you don’t know what wall to look at or which way to turn your head.
3. Rather than just strip searching you they may ask you to ‘shake’ your clothes, this is done by “Pull your bra away from your breasts to dislodge anything you may have stashed in your 18 hour”. Next - Take the waist band of your pants, pull them away from your body and shake to dislodge any contraband that may be lodged in your pants. Then - Place your feet more than shoulder width apart quickly bounce to dislodge your ‘hootie’ stash.
4. You will be asked if you have any piercing. If you happen to have a tongue piercing the officer MAY want to stick his fingers in your mouth. Rather than bite his fingers off in disgust, you may offer to remove it for him. After your released from jail you will then pay to have to re-pierced.
5. You will be asked if you have any special needs - that they can ignore. When you tell them “yes, I have back severe issues” You may spend the next 35 minutes discussing your various surgeries and special requirements - that they intend to ignore. They want to document them so they know what to ignore. Ie; prescription medications, sleeping requirements etc.
6. After this you may/will be fingerprinted. This is certainly a treat for those who have never had this happen. In our county they know have a glass that scans your hand and goes directly to the computer. If you have dry skin you will be accused of having something on your hands to prevent fingerprinting. They will keep trying and exerting more and more pressure on your hand, resorting to alcohol swabs, exerting yet more pressure until they finally figure out that they can’t get a print. Eventually it may be given up.
7. You will be taken to a new room to obtain your new wardrobe. This room might be 2 x 2 at best. You might be given a beautiful ORANGE 2 piece outfit, that has worn by scabie infested meth-heads all over the County. One can only hope it has been washed. At this time you may be questioned about the scars on your back and body. God forbid if you should happen to have a scar on your wrist, you may be labeled as suicidal. They may also question you as to ‘Why do your scars NOT match up, and why are their so many?” I would not advise giving the ‘smart-ass answer’ - “Because officer I just KNEW I was going to be arrested and I quick had a bomb implanted under my skin in a suicide mission to take all you commies with me”… No - no, they will not think this is funny. Just calmly explain that you have had multiple surgeries for the spinal cord stimulator implant. That way when they feel it under your skin it won’t come as a big surprise.
8. If you by chance are LARGE breasted you will be in a fight for your life to maintain your 18 hour support system.
9. You will be given a pair of shower shoes that will be all the rage soon, of that I am sure. If you by chance have regular size feet you will only need to wear 1, because size doesn’t matter in jail. Apparently they also don’t need to match.
10. You will be handed some lovely bedroom ensemble, which consists of a cotton cloth approximately 2 feet wide by regular twin size length, disguised as a sheet. You will also receive 1 white cotton towel (for showering) that may or may not cover 1 butt cheek, that is so stiff you could cut a steak with it. You also get what can only be described as a wool horse blanket.
11. Oral Hygiene does not matter to jail officials. If they forget to give you a toothbrush and toothpaste, when you go to ask for one you may get yelled at. They must not like having their mistakes pointed out.
Just a few more steps on your way to those lovely accommodations
12. While your carrying you jailhouse goodies you may be paraded by the men who are also incarcerated. In this you might find the love of your life OR you may just witness WINDOW licking at it’s most basic form.
13. Then you will be shown to your accommodations, where you get to meet your new room mates (if you have them). As a Law Abiding ’A-Liner’ you could expect your New roommates to be similar to you. But in this case, these were hardened criminals who have been in and out numerous times. You will learn LOTS of interesting things. If anyone needs to know where to get the best price for your ’meth’ ingredients give us a holler!! Need a recipe for this? Gotchya covered!
14. Then you will shown your 4 star sleeping accommodations. Oops, they are sorry, they are all out of mats, enjoy that concrete floor.
Once you are settled in for the night.
15. You might get lucky and meet a ‘large new friend’ that wants to brush your hair for you. You may politely refuse, do not roll your eyes or be sassy. If offered to play cards, you also may politely refuse. If you have a good sense of humor ‘the gals’ might be waiting for you to pee your pants.
16. If your in need of floss, because that dinner got stuck in your ‘tooth’, a nifty trick is to roll up that leg of the jumpsuit and pull out a string, handy dandy floss from ‘helpful hints’. Or one more hand dandy trick is to pull a string from the mattress.
17. I hope your not shy, because there will most certainly be a camera directed in the vicinity of the combo sink/toilet. This comes in handy because you don’t have to wait to wash your hands, you can do it while your peeing.
18. When it starts getting loud don’t suggest to your roommates to quiet down… unless you feel like going to bed early…locked down so to speak.
19. You can expect to be awakened before its light out to enjoy your continental breakfast! Nothing like warm coffee and prunes! YUM! Even if you don’t plan on enjoying the tasty morsels get the tray anyway… your new Friends will be grateful.
Getting out of jail - if you dare.
If you plan on bonding out, you probably should have someone call your Attorney so that way he can at least get an idea of your bond, because your spouse or children are not high enough up on the food chain to qualify to know what it is. Your jailers may actually refuse to tell your family or friends anything.
Generally speaking if you happen to be the subject of harassment your bond will be excessively high, making it very difficult for your family to come up with the cash. You may want to procure a bondsman. This way you only have to pay 10% of your bond. The idea behind this is so if your bond is high enough the Prosecution can release one of those lovely pictures to the press, showing you in a most unattractive light. Because everyone knows a messy headed person MUST be guilty!!
Understand, for the most part if you are being harassed you will not be arraigned with the rest of the criminals, no-no-no, your crime is so horrendous that you must wait the entire weekend to see a Judge. After all, the gal with the 3 different meth labs, her crime is NOTHING compared to yours!! Tsk, tsk her bond is less than half of yours!!
You will be given your bill as you leave for approximately $52.00 per night at this lovely hotel. Oops, I meant jail.
When you are finally released, one can only hope there is a McDonald's or Burger King close by that does not have a camera pointed directly at the toilet.
After that, you must as loudly as possible, draw attention to everything that has been done to you and all of the injustices that you were subjected to.
This of course may cause you to spend yet another night at these 4 star accommodations. But if nothing else you will know that what you are doing is right. Next time make sure that your ‘driver’ (officer of the law) passes by your best friends house picking her up so the two of you can have a slumber party!
It could be you!!
These are words everyone needs to know incase, just like in this case… You could be next!!
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