Whoever Said ‘You Didn’t Care’ Opened a Train of Tremendously Rewarding Service: Acknowledge the Gift.

I enjoy life with an uncompromising ecstasy that bears repeating over and over and over again until I die. [Especially, when I remember to take advantage of living on my capricious terms.]

I am incomparably passionate about each burning breath of air I inhale. My attitudes, opinions, actions and unfiltered random ideas are not up for discussion. The reason being, I am not vested enough in them for them to matter.

I simply don’t care.

Let me be the first one to declare, however, I have not always felt so joyously free and terminally uninhibited. At one point in my life, I was devoted to the unshakable belief in my undying devotion; so much so, it nearly snuffed the wind out of my 40ft. sail.

Yes, indeed, there have been times when I did not find life enjoyable or stimulating, at all.

Yet, as paradoxically bizarre as it sounds, it was in those very moments; I believed myself to be the happiest and most fulfilled. Those were the times when I tried to submit to someone else’s demands, expectations and/or specific desired roles (fully accompanied by instructional (acceptable) dos and don’ts).

All of these particular calculating desires were self-generated, of course, but I was so thoroughly vested in my staged award winning contrived convincingly emotional camouflaged character and cleverly masked functioning duty in those particular roles that I believed, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the expected obligations and responsibilities were coming from outside of me.

It took many years of ‘ping-pong’ disturbing relational delectably injurious communicating until I realized how deeply insecure I had convinced myself I was and what I needed to fill the gulf of ‘please don’t abandon me’ issues.

I truly believed I needed to try to do better, improve my way of interacting with others, asked to be forgiven many, many times, cleanse myself from all the unspoken shame I carried, apologize for being so unduly sensitive until I would finally ‘straighten up and fly right’. {For awhile}

My apologetic personality never seemed to last more than a few days and then ‘wham bam’ I was right back being my same old mealy mouthed bickering self.

As I said, it took quite a few years to come to verifiable terms with my so-called problems: demonstrative conviction, escape, denial and subterfuge. The entire time, while I was being introduced to the ‘me’ I was living a double identity. I continued to fulfill my responsibilities to the best of my ability, [I didn’t say like I was SUPPOSED to or should have or could have according to someone else’s ideas or preferences} but in the only plausible way I could interact at the time.

In other words, although I did what was the least expected of me; on the inside I was expressing the best in divine realities that fueled my non-purposeful heart and mind. What was happening was a true ambivalence toward incarnation and embodiment.

Right smack dab in the middle of the emotional drama attached to living my life, involving friend needs, family circles, husband caterings, work demands, financial worries, home maintenance, personal ambitions, and physical desires, I experienced the repelling force and attracting sensation of the core essentials of Earth Life.

I realized just how much I was bounced back and forth by either praise or insult.

I understood clearly how much getting what I thought I wanted mattered and the idea of losing what I had or loved devastated me. I tried to avoid being criticized and did whatever it took not to be blamed. Even if it meant I battled relentlessly to be proven right.

I desperately wanted to be well thought of by others.

In the midst of the horrendous ebb and flow, up and down roller coaster ride, I remember comparing what shape I was in to what others may, in fact, be going through. And, how I needed to be more grateful, because surely my pain was nothing compared to theirs; in essence I was seeing my selfishness full blown.

But as time passed, the horrendous mockery of ‘trying to be nice’ gave way to authentic response.

Something happened inside that shattered all of my illusions in one instant.

Death became my cherished confidant.

Not in a somber morbid way but in an exuberating release of dreadful despair. Nothing could touch the seventh heaven which was revolutionary stilled inside my heart. “We are all born to learn how to die.” How to give up the ego-saturated idea that we are going to contribute something of worthwhile value or of lasting importance. We genuinely want to believe that what we do matters to someone.

“If it matters to us, that’s plenty enough.” {all else is fading super self-intoxicated self glory] That is the inescapable fact of life I drew upon. Without it, we have no life. We hide from ourselves and others.

Unless we allow the consecration of our own divine vessels to open to the ‘raw inexplicable indefinable not-yet manifested person’ we are subjected to, engulfed by and creatively harnessed under, we do not learn how to die!

Our sacred redemption is located in living out thoroughly who we are unmercifully and untested. No nets. No soft shoulders, no preferences no getaways in practical designed ships of allocated service. We take it as it comes. We deliver it as it arises.

We have no place we’re going to but to shed this human skin. “From the dust we were born into and the dust we shall return.” How hallowedly comforting. We stay with the program until the program ends. We don’t alter a thing.

No time for whining and bemoaning our fate. It’s the best thing going. {in addition to being the only thing going}

We keep doing what we are doing by standing where our feet are planted. We don’t cheat. We can’t cheat. Whatever is; is all it can be. What a gigantic relief! No more pretending, impressing and trying to care for something that doesn’t make one bit of difference to anyone but me.

I have long since vanquished those ego driven needs in my maniacal self. {A minute has passed, hasn’t it?} In fact, the thought of brandishing my manipulative egoistic expression for a desired result and/or affection leaves me pale in sacred sensual sexual creative artistic demeanor.

We all go through periods like these; these episodes naturally come along with the territory of being a human being. We are all self-driven to the point of fierce mindless exhaustion in grasping and clinging.

But, then there arrives the day of irrefutable bombastic surrender: when we have not an inkling of an idea of what we are doing or why. It simply doesn’t matter in the best kind of way. {whether in the best or worst kind of way it STILL doesn't matter}

We are not seeking value in this life or the life to come. This is it! We live each delicious moment exactly and precisely as it appears without any lust of result.

No golden reward is necessary in this divine dispensation of time or the hereafter.

We are graciously living the only palatable reward guaranteed in forthcoming. Departure.

Hail be to that we can’t see, don’t know and won’t admit!