jump to last post 1-7 of 7 discussions (56 posts)

There are parents who have DEEP ISSUES. They do not want their

  1. gmwilliams profile image81
    gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago

    adult children to grow.   They are the type of parents who subconsciously sabotage their children's career chances and advancements.  They seem to be deathly afraid to allow their children to establish their own independent lives.   They want their adult children to be NEAR them all the time.   These parents are psychotically claustrophobic and need psychological help or a slap in the face, YOUR CHOICE.  What do you think of such "parents"?

    1. Zelkiiro profile image83
      Zelkiiroposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Got any examples to go along with your hypothesis?

      1. gmwilliams profile image81
        gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        There are so MANY examples.   A person who wants to go to London for a job opportunity but parents want him/her in the vicinity so to speak.   This person, who is weak emotionally, caves in to parental pressure because such parents are too psychotically selfish to let their adult child live his/her independent life.

        Or parents who have no lives of their own are afraid to have their children leave the nest because they have to face EACH OTHER and it is not pretty!   So they exert toxic sabotage to hamper their children's chances to advance to be the people THE LATTER were meant to be.  Sad case scenarios. 

        There are adult children who are psychological weaklings who let parents LIVE their lives instead of standing up to , distancing, and disowning such poisonous parents.  That is why children should not be totally emotionally dependent upon their parents, they should have friends and outside interests.   There are so parents who are totally psychologically and emotionally incestuous towards their children. 

        There is a book relating to this-when parents love their children WAY TOO MUCH.   I know people like this-coworkers, a former supervisor, and adult children who STILL live with their parents.   When children are adults. they SHOULD leave home if they are mature.   Children who live with their parents as adults are emotionally immature and will NEVER amount to much in life.

        1. Melissa A Smith profile image93
          Melissa A Smithposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          I actually don't think you are seeking to approach this discussion from a 'psychology' perspective. I'd actually be more interested in exactly why you are so blatantly harmed by your perceptions of other people's lives.

          1. profile image0
            Sarra Garrettposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            wow, that was rude

            1. Melissa A Smith profile image93
              Melissa A Smithposted 4 years ago in reply to this

              Don't worry, I don't mind.

    2. Marisa Wright profile image93
      Marisa Wrightposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Do you have children of your own?    I don't, and it has taken me until my fifties to understand how parents feel about their children.

      I mean, I always understood that parents loved their children, but I didn't understand the depth of feeling that parents (especially mothers) hold for their children.   I only became aware of it as my friends' children reached adulthood and "left the nest", and I was astonished to find that my friends were as heartbroken as if a lover had dumped them.  Perhaps more so!

      Some of those friends recognise that it's time for their grown-up children to leave and forge a life of their own.  Even though they're heartbroken and full of anxiety at the thought of their child going unprotected into the world, they swallow their fear and sadness, and wish them well.   But not everyone is strong enough to put on a brave face, and they're the ones who unashamedly try to influence their kids to stay, or force them into pathways they see as "safe". 

      A mother once told me that from the moment her children were born, she never had another day without fear in her entire life. Fear that some accident might befall them, fear that they might be unhappy, fear that they might fail.   It's not psychotic, it's simply a measure of how much they care for their children.  They want to protect their kids from making mistakes.  Their views may be misguided but they come from the best of intentions.

      1. gmwilliams profile image81
        gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        There is time when ENOUGH is ENOUGH.  Many children today are infantilized.   When a child is 18-21, he/she, unless he/she is mentally, physically, and/or psychologically challenged, is an adult, if raised with intelligence and maturity.   It is appalling how many of these young adults STILL depend upon their parents for many things, especially in more affluent socioeconomic environments. 

        When a person is 18-21, the parent should have recognized that he/she is an adult and is capable of making decisions.  He/she does not need a parent in his/her life.   Parents HAVE TO LET GO and realize that their adult children DO NOT NEED THEM AS MUCH.   Children must leave the parental home and establish THEIR lives.  I have see infantilized adults, adult children who are TOO DEPENDENT upon their parents.   That is totally abnormal. 

        Paremts have to realize that they are not parents forever.   Their children are going to be adults with lives of their own.   The role must change from parent to friend.   Parents who insist on relating to their adult children as parents will lost such children.   The average independent adult child resent being treated as a child.  He/she will draw away from the parents, some will cut off all contact with their parents.  On the other hand, parents who treat their adult children as adults oftentimes have the closest relationship which is based upon mutual respect.  If a parent cannot let go and realize that their children are adults, they need deep psychological help.  Parenting is temporary, not permanent.

        1. Marisa Wright profile image93
          Marisa Wrightposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          So what you're saying to parents is:

          "How dare you love your child more than life itself!  How dare you be heartbroken if they want to leave!  Pull yourself together and stop being so soppy!  Their emotional needs are far, far more important than yours, your life is over so just suck it up!"

          Don't you think parents deserve some understanding and sympathy?  After all they have sacrificed several years of their lives - and an enormous amount of money - to raise that child.  Is the child really entitled to say, "F*** off, I don't need you any more."?

          I also had parents I saw as over-protective.  Their hovering annoyed me enormously at the time - it's only in later life that I've begun to understand the motivation behind it, and I must say it was a shock to me.  I agree with you that children should be allowed and encouraged to strike out on their own once they're adults, and that parents shouldn't hold them back - but let's not paint the parents as ogres, let's acknowledge that they are going through a normal emotional response.  Maybe they should get help to overcome it, but that doesn't make them mentally ill.

          1. gmwilliams profile image81
            gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            One is supposed to love his/her child and give him/her the best opportunities possible.  I am a multillion percent for that.  However, there is a time when parents must realize that their children are adults and to let them go.   So many young people do not have life and street savvy because they were so overprotected by their parents. 

            It is not unusual for parents to go on interviews with their grown children.  Most employers find THAT to be QUITE UNREASONABLE.  It seems that so many young people are extremely loathe to venture into the world and postpone adulthood thus prolonging adolescence as long as possible.

          2. profile image60
            JohnConnor231posted 16 months ago in reply to this

            It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you, so if you gonna try to take away your child's freedom then you are a selfish monster, no matter what you do there's no going around from that, it is what it is, I've seen parents trying to stop their children to find some one of their own, parents have each other and will stop their child to find some one of their own and start a family, thats cruelty theres no going around that, It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you...

    3. profile image0
      Sarra Garrettposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Hi GM.  Interesting discussion.  I had parents like that.  They would make me feel guilty as hell when I left the farm to go to college and start my own life.  My mother, to get me back actually froze my dog to death and I found him in the freezer.  (she has a special place in hell)  These types of parents have deep psychologial problems that they never got help for.  I believe that they don't want their children to be better then themselves and want to keep a thumb on everything they do. Controlling. Very controlling.  They don't want their children to have their own minds or life and blame everything on the children when they do finally escape the hell they are living in.  It's a type of emotional abuse that starts in childhood and for some this emotional abuse lasts well into adulthood.   

      I don't know why these other people on this thread are being so rude and snarkey - maybe there is something they are hiding so I hope you aren't taking their remarks seriously.

      1. gmwilliams profile image81
        gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        Of course, THEY ARE IN DEEP, DEEP, DEEP DENIAL and HIDING SOMETHING from their lives.  If they did not have issues themselves, they would not be in the attack mode.   There are many people who experienced problems with their parents.   In my opinion, only a small percentage of people are intelligent, mature, and psychologically/emotionally suitable to be parents.   Most parents whether they admit it or not, have deep psychological issues such as playing upmanship and gamemanship with their children.   They believe that parenting is about control and I am better and more than you because you are a child.   There should be licensing for parenting.   Most people who have children have no business being parents.

        1. Melissa A Smith profile image93
          Melissa A Smithposted 4 years ago in reply to this

          Gm you know there is no DEEP DEEP anything involved with why I replied the way I did. I don't know if there are rules around here against re-posting the same topics repeatedly, I'll look into it later.

          1. gmwilliams profile image81
            gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

            Melissa, if  you do not like the topic, DON'T stop by.  Free country.  I do not post the same topics repeatedly.   This forum is for people who can discuss things intelligently and logically.  If you have nothing to say, say NOTHING at all and begone!

            1. profile image0
              Sarra Garrettposted 4 years ago in reply to this

              you go GM!  Some people don't know what discussion means.

              1. gmwilliams profile image81
                gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

                Sarra, SOME people do not like the topic at hand, they may have some deep seated, subconscious issues.  They may be in the situation and/or similar and do not wish to confront the issues at hand.   So they use their displacement mechanisms and act as a troll, attacking either the OP or other people.

                It is frankly NONE OF THEIR #$%^&@  business what the original poster posts.  If the person does not like the subject, HE/SHE DO NOT HAVE TO STOP BY, pure and simple.   Some people are just troublemakers and/or love to harass others.

                1. profile image0
                  Sarra Garrettposted 4 years ago in reply to this

                  Very true GM.  Maybe the trolls who respond to certain forums are having the same personal issue themselves but don't want to admit it.  Looking through rose colored glasses doesn't work in the real world. 

                  I like this forum you posted as I am in the process of co-authoring a self help book with the help of a PhD on the effects of emotional abuse as a child and how it follows you through adulthood.  There are a lot of questions about this out there especially how the childhood emotional abuse affects your physical and emotional health.  I need to post a poll somewhere and see how many are affected by emotional abuse. 

                  If more people got mental health help and were on antidepressants it would be a happier world. Mental health should not be a taboo in this day and age.

                  1. gmwilliams profile image81
                    gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

                    Ouch, you have elucidated the point intelligently and succinctly.  When a topic is presented and some people become quite phobic and extreme in their visceral response, there has to be some DEEP, DEEP, DEEP issues that they have either consciously or subconsciously.  If not, why such an EXTREME reaction?    There are posts I disagree with and I do not go off on a tangent.   People should really act THEIR AGE and logically assess the situation at hand.

                  2. Melissa A Smith profile image93
                    Melissa A Smithposted 4 years ago in reply to this

                    Maybe you should stop calling me a troll and assessing my 'personal issues' and actually ask why I responded the way I did. That would be the intelligent route to take I believe.

            2. Melissa A Smith profile image93
              Melissa A Smithposted 4 years ago in reply to this

              Of course it is a free country, well, at least among the specific rules on this site. Either way, you're not going to tell me to "be gone" because I'm free to post on my own free will. I think your original post shows little regard for psychology and science. We of course have had several 'discussions' in the past in which you have been generalizing people's situations massively as you are doing so here. In the name of 'intelligence', I speak out against this poor logic, and your seemingly lack of ability to take away what has been proven from your past discussions. That does not make me a "troll". So yes, it is my business what you've posted because this is a public forum which I can participate in, regardless of whether or not you don't like what I say.

              I know I have definitely responded to a post of your on the same topic of children living at home/'enabling evil parents.

              1. gmwilliams profile image81
                gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

                We can agree to disagree.   However, I adamantly stand by that by the time a person reaches the period from 18-21 or 22, he/she is AN ADULT, not a child.   It is time for him/her to establish his/her independence and launch.   He/she has to learn the rudiments of independent living such as getting a job, establishing a career, and setting up an apartment.   In other words, establishing his/her own life away from his/her parents.   

                The earlier independence is established the better it is for the parent and child.   Parents who are unable to let their chilidren go will suffer for it eventually.  Yes, these parents are enabling their children, rather they are infantilizing their children.   Such children are a bane to employers and other people they encounter.   It is nothing sadder than an adult in his/her late 20s and beyond who still has a psychological and emotional umbilical cord and is fearful of the world because parents refuse to get them grow up.   If something happens to their parents, such children are lost because others ARE NOT going to tolerate them like their parents did or if they find someone like their parents, it is likely to be a very exploitative relationship.

                Parents who refuse to get their children go are doing their children a disservice.  Although such children are chronological adults, psychologically and emotionally, such adults are children.  They do not have the maturity to face and handle the rudiments of life and survival.   They expect to be TAKEN  CARE off.  When they have to become independent, many become psychologically and emotionally discombobulated. 

                Either a parent teaches his/her child to become independent or SOCIETY will teach them.   Many such children become unemployed and/or homeless because their parents refused to let them grow up and experience life.  While some learn to be independent and self-sufficient when faced with unemployment and homelessness, others have no street wherewithal and fall through the cracks....

                I have done a lot of reading and observing on this subject.   I know such sad people who are fearful and dependent because of suffocating parents.   They are in a morass, cannot do even the simplest things for themselves.  They have the emotional maturity of a child.   They have no street savvy whatsoever.   They can be and are exploited and/or taken advantage of those who are more world/street savvy.   They are unable to take risks and/or hold on to employment long.   If it were not for their parents, they would be in a horribly dire situation including homelessness.

    4. HowardBThiname profile image88
      HowardBThinameposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      I think some of this is cultural. I've noticed it more in the Deep South and in Hispanic families, and some religious families, than in other families. Some just seem to value keeping the family unit together, growing large extended families.

      I think some of it might have to do with education, some families are more frightened of what's out there in the world, but other than that - I vote for different cultural norms.

      1. profile image0
        Sarra Garrettposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        I agree with Howard, a lot of it is cultural.  Americans don't have that deep family tie that hispanics or other cultures do. 

        Yes, people should take a test before having children then that would cut down on the children who have been abandoned by parents and the foster care system.   I raised my son and now he's all grown up and on his own but that doesn't mean I love him any less.  He is a person and needs to grow and see what the world is really like.  Shit, it's not easy out there.  My foster son is more 'clingy' to me but that's because he had it really bad when he was younger.  He is on his own now and is doing wonderful.  I encourage independance and flying the nest.  Maybe that's why I have 5 handicapped dogs to take care of since my children are gone.  lol

    5. Kevin Peter profile image73
      Kevin Peterposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Children when grown up must be given their own freedom to do what ever is best for them. They may have many wishes in life and if parents still try to control them they can never suceed in their lives.

      1. gmwilliams profile image81
        gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        A million percent in agreement!

    6. profile image60
      mariyah chohanposted 2 years ago in reply to this

      i actualy.m.a victim of this.   was just wonderimg if  m.the only.one or   others  feel.the same  :'(

  2. janesix profile image60
    janesixposted 4 years ago

    I really think it's about time you got over it.

    1. gmwilliams profile image81
      gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      I know people who have "such parents".   A former supervisor, a former coworker who wanted to be a model/actress but her policeman father wanted her to be a civil servant, and an overprotective mother of a  30 year old man.   Not ME AT ALL, I would NOT HAVE tolerated such!   My parents WERE NEVER like that-I did WHAT I WANTED and AS I PLEASE! 

      If I did not want to do something even as a child, I did not do it.  However, I knew a classmate whose mother designed her life.  In fact, her mother was totally annoying to the multillionth degree.    I have encountered lost souls, at work and in social gatherings, who have "parents" such as those.   I told them to disown their parents. Janesix, do YOU have such "parents"?

  3. rebekahELLE profile image92
    rebekahELLEposted 4 years ago

    gm, I tend to agree with some of what you post, but I am wondering, are you a parent?  It's one thing to discuss topics that one doesn't have direct experience with, but somewhat more difficult if you've never experienced the topic of discussion yourself. 

    Some adults become parents and have a harder time cutting the apron strings.  I don't know if I would say that they have deep issues any more so than it could be their own form of control and wanting to feel valued and loved after giving many years of their lives to raising their children.  For sure, in some cases, the adult parents do have issues, but it's not because they're a parent, it's something within their psychological make-up.  Their adult children need to set boundaries and be very clear that they are capable of living their own lives.

    Parents need to let go and let their adult children live their lives.  I'm in complete agreement.  But I wouldn't go as far to say that adult children who live with their parents are infantilized or immature or that their parents have deep issues. 

    I think parenting is misunderstood by many.  It's not about control.  It's about nurturing and training, instructing children how to be independent, providing for them, helping them to be who they are, not who the parents think they should be.  The word parent comes from the root word, pare, which means to "prepare, make ready, furnish, provide".  I always think of paring, making something ready, like paring an apple, etc.
    Parenting is a role that changes as children become adults.

    1. gmwilliams profile image81
      gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Yes, I do agree with you.   You have made some excellent points in this discussion.   Parents have to learn to let go of their children and realize that they are becoming increasingly independent from adolescence.   Children want to be independent and establish their own parameters.   However, there are parents who are loathe to let their children be independent and self-functioning human beings.

      I had an ex-co-worker who totally infantilize her son.   She did everything for him.  A good friend of hers, a local politican, admonished her on this.   He told her to LET GO of her son and let him grow up.   This admonishment fell upon her dead ears so to speak.   She continued infantilizing him.   In college, he floundered and was kicked out.   However, he subsequently returned to college which SHE paid for.   He floundered on jobs, being fired FOUR times.   The woman was totally aghast, stating that her son was IMMATURE.   Of course, he is immature, she infantilized and controlled him.     

      Parents have to LEARN to let go.   There are parents who see their children as infants and they are 40 years of age.   This is madness.  There is a phenomena of infantilization of our children.   There are children of college and young adult age who simply cannot function independently.   They are mollycoddled and fearful of the outside world.  It is a parent's job to TEACH and LAUNCH.   There are parents who raise their children tough from the start.   Those are the children who thrive in the real world.

      My maternal aunt let her son and daughter go at 14.   She believed that children should be autonomous as early as possible.  She did not believe in babying her children, she raised them TOUGH.  When her children were 14, they were nearly self-sufficient.   At 17 years of age, both children were highly independent and self-supporting.   THAT is the way children should be raised.  She is an extremely nonintrusive parent.  She let her children own their individual lives.  She NEVER told them what to do.

  4. rebekahELLE profile image92
    rebekahELLEposted 4 years ago

    That is so disturbing.  I think you are right when you say that it's a form of emotional abuse that started in their childhood.

  5. Theophanes profile image95
    Theophanesposted 4 years ago

    I have had to deal with a lot of pretty severely mentally ill people in my life and to me most of these ailments come down to a refusal of these people to grow up themselves. Of course there's more to it but this is at its core - this "selfishness" you speak of is a childish response to a common issue. Children do not like letting their familiars leave - they might cry in the attempt to get them to stay. The mentally ill adult probably won't cry but they will try to manipulate the situation in other ways.

    Some of these parents just love their children very much and don't know how to deal with such an enormous presence suddenly being gone. But like you said before some people are just never meant to be parents, these are the worst! They try to keep their children around for a whole host of reasons - none of them based on love. Usually these people literally want their children to take care of them now - like I raised you, now you owe me. They get financial stability as well as someone around the house to do anything they need.

    I've even seen one woman warp religion in such a way that she basically taught all her sons not to take any responsibility for themselves or do anything for themselves because that's the job of their future wives. Not surprisingly one knocked up his g/f as a teenager and now has a kid he doesn't want and pays no attention to, a child he expects any new g/f to take 100% responsibility for immediately even though she's now almost a tween herself! It's tragic and maddening. This woman raised some total looser sons, and is now working hard to screw up that grandchild royally.

    Basically it comes down to this - severely mentally ill people almost always raise children who are also mentally ill. I've seen a lot of people blame genetics but I don't believe this for a second. Genetics might be the gun but how they're raised is the trigger! And once that person is grown can you really blame them for being "weak" and conditioned?! Not really - they don't know any better! And they won't know better until they get help, which most won't because they don't see this as being a problem in their lives.

    With all that in mind it is also pertinent to note an adult child living with their parent isn't always a huge red flag. In the town I am living in an increasing amount of adult children are still at home because their parents sent them off to college and now they're toting around useless degrees, working minimum wage jobs, and being crippled by student loans. This is a side effect of the economy and as someone stated earlier some communities keep their children at home naturally - like in India where unmarried women generally still live with mom and dad until marriage or death. This doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing.

    1. gmwilliams profile image81
      gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Great point, Theo, there seems to be symbiotically vampiric relationship between some parents and children.

      1. profile image0
        Sarra Garrettposted 4 years ago in reply to this

        My mother actually gave me, my brother and my sister (may she rest in peace) a bill on our 18th birthday of what we owed her for raising us.  We all just looked at her and left.  Talk about being glad to leave the nest.  I was haunted so badly though that I had to take out a restraining order against my birth mother.  There's a special place in Hell for her - she has her own room waiting.

  6. psycheskinner profile image79
    psycheskinnerposted 4 years ago

    Indeed. I think it is worth remembering that people who do a bad job of parenting are generally not doing this "to" the child on purpose.  They aren't coping, the aren't equipped, are complete in themselves or they maybe even are not good people.  It is there struggle with their own problems that affects the kids as collateral damage.

    1. profile image0
      Sarra Garrettposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Amen

    2. gmwilliams profile image81
      gmwilliamsposted 4 years ago in reply to this

      Totally agree with this assessment.

  7. psycheskinner profile image79
    psycheskinnerposted 4 years ago

    Adult children get to decide how much their parents influence them beyond legal and basic ethical obligations.

 
working