How I Survived the Krakatoa Volcano - A True American Tale of Survival
Life in the Adirondack Mountains
The life of a lumberjack in the Adirondacks was most definitely not a life of leisure!! I woke up everyday, ate a stack of flapjacks, and contributed to global climate change!! Hard stuff! One day as I was felling some timber, like a real man, some sissy ass carpet bagger came up to me and handed me a bottle of snake oil. Now as I turned around to sock him in the face, I instead got quite a spook! The lil' sissy was gone!!!!11!1 I drank the bottle of snake oil, and LO AND BEHOLD, inside I found a ticket for a boat ride for three to Krakatoa!!! Now pilgrim, us lumberjacks don't have no friends so I just used the ticket myself and sailed to Krakatoa. Little did I know...
Arriving at Krakatoa, Indonesia
I arrived on Krakatoa on August 25, 1883. It was my seventh birthday. The air was humid and moist, like a nice flapjack slathered with maple syrup. I promptly unpacked my things... some flannel shirts, skinny jeans, a bottle of José Cuervo, and my volcano survival kit. The lumberjack motto is "be prepared" after all. Just what exactly did I put in my volcano survival kit? Well let me tell you!
Volcano Survival Kit Contents:
- Dust mask
- First Aid Kit
- Copies of my passport, drivers license, and other important documents
- Battery powered radio
- Mobile phone with charged battery
- 500 feet of hemp rope
After I unpacked my things, I headed to Mount Danan to go smoke a doobie.
More Information on the Krakatoa Eruption
Eruption of Krakatoa - How I Survived
On top of Mount Danan I soon passed out, but soon awoke to the ground's violent shaking. Still in a fog, I had no idea what was going on. "OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!" I exclaimed, for it was August 26, 1883. The fateful day that Krakatoa erupted.
Pyroclastic flows of lava were all around me as the mountain unleased it's hellish fury. Mother Earth was getting back at me for felling all of her trees. So I tore open my flannel shirt to reveal my chiseled abs and used the 500 feet of rope in my volcano survival kit to swing across the lava. Cash, I said to myself while puffing on a cigarillo. I sure showed that volcano who was boss. Or so I thought!
Children Watching Me Fight the Tsunami and Survive
Volcanoes, Earthquakes, and Tsunamis OH MY!
The ground shook some more, as I waded along the beach and watched as the volcano let loose her wrath upon Indonesia. That was a mistake. A brisk wind extinguished my cigarillo, and I turned around to such a horror... a tsunami. "These tsunamis must me caused by those pyroclastic flows." I concluded. But just what is a pyroclastic flow? They are something all lumberjacks are taught to fear. Pyroclastic flows are streams of hot gas and rock that can reach speeds of up to 450 miles per hour, or so Granny tells me.
Lucky for me, my volcano survival kit also doubled as a tsunami survival kit. But even luckier for me, the tsunami was small enough for my massive abdominals and sturdy redwood-esque legs to absorb the impact. Man that was tough.
Destruction of Krakatoa
By now it was the 27th of August and I was quite tired. But there is little rest for the weary when a volcano is erupting! The ground began to shake anew, and I knew it was time to get out of there if I wanted to survive this disaster.
I grappled a falling tree and rode it out to see, just in the knick of time!!! For at that moment, 5:30 am, the island let out a huge groan! It was ripped apart by four massive eruptions, which consequently caused a 40 foot high tsunami!!
If I was going to survive this tsunami I would need to think fast. I lit up another cigarillo and decided to surf it. I surfed that wave all the way back to America. I think in my next volcano and tsunami survival kit I should include a surfboard!!!!
A Word of Caution from a Krakatoa Survivor
From reading my firsthand account of the Eruption of Krakatoa (1883), one might think that volcanoes are all laughs and good times. This could not be farther from the truth. Not all of us can be lumberjacks, so please stay safe and do what the authorites tell you. If you want to survive volcanoes and tsunamis, the best thing you can do is stay diligent and evacuate ahead of time.
Goodnight sweet prince.
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