10 Facebook Personality Types

Have you ever noticed the different Facebook personality types? Here’s a list of 10 of them.

#1. Perky Positive.This has to be the most annoying poster ever before morning coffee. No one can possibly be that happy all the time, and have such a @#$% perfect life. (Of course you will never see them use the@#$% keys.) Example post: “I have the perfect husband, he just made breakfast lunch and dinner and now he’s rubbing my feet while we watch reruns of Sex and the City together. *sigh* Oh and the kids are quietly doing homework in their bedrooms...they cleaned without being told!” Right.

#2. Debbie Downer. If there is an accident, crime, injustice, missing or abused child or animal, it will be on this poster’s wall. Don’t worry about missing bad news, just go right to their page. Their posts can be somewhat horrifying. Example: "This happened just next door in this mall/airport/country! Here’s the link/pic for death/destruction/dismemberment where you can read/see how awful/gory/tragic this is!” Great, I won't be sleeping tonight.

#3. Woe is Me. Here it’s all about themselves and how horrible they have it. They are unloved, sick, broke and out of work. Bad luck follows them like jelly on peanut butter. Example: “I can’t believe the depth of my sickness/brokeness/unhappiness. I’ve had a headache for 2 years now, I can’t sleep/work/makelove and doctors/acupuncture/miracledrugs don’t help.” Now I’m depressed.

#4. Whatev. This person has a facebook profile but never posts dependably. They can go for days, even weeks without posting, but then a status pops up just when you’ve forgotten about them. Their posts are usually random and disconnected, with no philosophical or practical value. Example: “Going to the store now.” Thanks for that.

#5. Gamer. This is the person highjacking your newsfeed with 50 consecutive notifications of farmsteadville, mafia’s world, or bejewelthis. Otherwise, they haven’t posted for days. In between game posts, you may see them shake off the game-over and post something, but it’s usually a request for help with the internet farm/cafe/weaponscache. *Click* Delete.

#6. Only the Facts. For some reason, I find these posts funny. These facebookers know how to distill an exciting event. Into choppy. Little sentences. Completely devoid of emotion. They’re also adverse to exclamation points. (Which I'm not!!!) Example: “We went to Maui. The beach was nice. We had a nice dinner. Then we watched the sunset.” Really?

#7. Too Much Information. STOP. I do not want to read about bodily fluids that have come out of any human/pet/baby, or bodily functions happening anywhere remotely near a bathroom, surgical unit, or labor and delivery room. That’s why we have The Discovery Channel. Example: “This hangover is killing me, had to @#$% and @#$% at the same time, then #$%@ when I was done with the #$%^.” Eww. Let’s hope your next boss doesn’t see that.

#8. Cursed Victim. All the bad things that happen to this poster have happened as part of life’s continuing evil plot to personally make their lives a living hell. The bookshelf of self-awareness is vacant here. Example: “Alone again.There are no nice woman/men/animals around here, and I don’t understand because I’m so nice/good/sober/finishedwithprobation.” Hit me up.

#9. Cryptic Coders.These facebookers seem to get great glee from always posting little hints with just enough information to make us intensely curious. They rarely go public, even when asked. Example: “This is so unfair/sad/awful! (frowny icon)” My reaction to this is always; WHAT? What happened? Tell me now!

#10. Normal and Healthy. This facebooker shares appropriate, interesting, personal stories, and passes on relevant and useful information. Their posts don’t aim to shock, evoke pity, cause drama or make you want to keep the Disney channel on all night to get the visuals out of your head. You won’t see multiple game posts in their feed because they have a fulfilling life. Occasionally they may share a teary moment or a worthwhile cause, but have generally good sense about boundaries when posting to the potentially thousands of people seeing their life on facebook. Of course I am the only one I know who fits into this category, and I’m still waiting for the perfect facebook friend.

Disclaimer: The author is a confirmed facebook addict, spending many, many, many hours on facebook every day reading and re-posting everyone’s dramas, bad news and gossip. She secretly hides her gaming posts and not-so-wholesome facebook likes and searches. She realizes she forget to include Drama Queens, Spell Check Rebels, Gossip Spreaders and Trouble Stirrers on the list, but she had to get back to facebook.