10 Great Things About Anime

What's so great about anime? Why do huge numbers of otherwise sane human people prefer to watch Japanese animation on computer screens instead of going outside to mow the lawn or change the oil in the Smart Car? We posed the question to a few anime fans at the supermarket (even anime-watching people need Pringles).

We've all been there: it's a beautiful day on the highways and byways of rural America. The sun is shining. The birds are tweeting. In the distance we observe a lifeless lump in the middle of the road. It has black fur with remnants of a white streak. It stinks. We know we're about to be infused with skunkiness. Our Smart Car upholstery, such as it is, will never be the same.

Anime isn't like that.

Joan Alexandra Molinsky appears in the face of unsuspecting television viewers at a disturbingly alarming rate. Wherever there's a red carpet, an awards show, or an infomercial for anti-aging products made from unpronounceable Asian home remedies, Joanie somehow pops up like a dandelion on the 18th fairway at Augusta.

Anime is not like this: the faces of anime characters actually move a little bit.

Yes, a 1 TB hard drive represents the pinnacle of accessible technology. Yes, the 1 TB hard drive stores oodles of cool stuff for an extremely low price. Yes, the 1 TB hard drive fits easily in a PC tower without inconvenient case mods. However, staring mindlessly at a 1 TB hard drive, even with the cover off, tends to become boring after about 1.23 milliseconds. Anime is interesting for at least 10 times that long.

International financial markets tend to crash: anime does not. An entire country might see its' net worth drop to the equivalent of the faux jewelry sold in one hour at the Target Superstore in Kokomo, Indiana. Anime does not pose such a risk. The value of anime doesn't rise and fall with defaulted mortgages and embargoed barrels of oil. Anime indexes are not connected to junk bond markets and fine print.

Everyone wants a tiny belly, but a single trip to the supermarket indicates that tiny bellies must be problematic to obtain. Evidently a tiny belly cannot be purchased in the Pringles aisle. Internet advertising is replete with lotions and potions for obtaining that elusive and legendary tiny belly. Anime makes no such claims and therefore cannot cause related disappointment. Not a single tiny belly product includes the application of anime in any form, as far as we know. Anime aficionados may realize a tiny belly in the process of observing anime, or not.

Major League Baseball was never meant to be played in October in Minnesota. When Abner Doubleday, or whomever is credited with laying out the first diamond, envisioned our National Pastime, he assumed that his descendants would be bright enough to stop playing games when they could see their breath. When pitchers wear neoprene underwear, when snow swirls in the outfield, when clapping is muffled by mittens, it's time to go inside and watch anime for a few minutes until the indoor batting cage is set up.

Anime has plot, purpose, direction, intent, focus, and it's in color. When it becomes boring or uninteresting, new anime takes its' place. The people get to decide when it's no longer useful. It's never borrows money to support itself. It is a completely voluntary activity.

Good grief, we can see the little sticks that hold up Kermit's arms. They recycle the same jokes and bits like plastic bottles in San Fransisco. These characters peaked about 30 years ago. How they continue to hang around is a testament to the lack of quality entertainment sufficient to fill thousands of obscure cable TV channels. Sure, Kermit was cute and inspiring the first 65,536 times we watched him on A Very Special Muppets Christmas, but at some point a fuzzy green frog needs a new shtick. Give him a Mohawk or a neck tat or enroll him in community college. 

The Internet may be clogged with unspeakable dreck, but nicomp puts out boring uninspired mind numbing screeds that make amateur anime produced on a Commodore 64 look like Nobel prize-winning compositions. Who could possibly be interested in reading about the insipid deer in nicomp's backyard? One wonders if the Internet needs some serious editing in order to prevent the publishing of such prattle. Even Ryankett appears as Hemingway in juxtaposition to the babble put forth by nicomp.