10 Things That Are Better Than Anime

Editor's Note: Throughout their long and mostly productive lives, the authors have never actually watched more than a few seconds of anime, unless you count Speed Racer, which seemed really cool at the time and may or may not actually be anime or some other substandard animation style. It's quite an interesting topic. Please don't be offended, but feel free to skip to the all-time best amine quotes if you prefer. We are here to help, not hinder.

Almost as wonderful as a terabyte hard drive, Bugs Bunny cartoons set the standard for subtle humor and human misery at all levels of animation. Elmer Fudd's epic struggle to save his carrot crop still resonates in the minds of NRA members and factory farmers throughout the rural American South. Our hapless anti-hero hunter somehow managed to miss a rabbit with his shotgun. We wonder if he understood proper gun safety. The next time you try to kill an ant with a fly swatter, run over a soda can with a steam roller, or waste an hour of time watching anime, give a nod to Bugs and Friends.

Before the era of crime-fighting OCD detectives, crime-fighting forensic anthropologists, crime fighting biologists, and crime-fighting newlywed left-handed computer technicians from American Samoa, we were blessed with Scooby Doo and his band of brothers. Many copies were inspired. The Scooby Doo franchise raised problem solving canine characters to an art form. Ask yourself: how many anime guest appearances have the Harlem Globetrotters made? Case closed.

Billions of dollars and yen and drachma are spent each year in futile attempts to enable girls. Girls are encouraged to study engineering. Girls are told they can achieve anything. Girls are given tote bags and T-shirts emblazoned with trendy empowerment slogans. They need to be just a little more equal than everyone else.

All this time and effort can be replaced with a few strategic episodes of the Powerpuff girls. Boys may also learn a powerful lesson from Buttercup, Bubbles, and Blossom: mess with a chick and she will punch you through a wall without mussing her ponytail. The sooner we all learn that lesson, the sooner we can get back to our anime.

Nature's two perfect food products converge in this convenient ceramic container. Quench your coffee addiction while concurrently informing cubicle-mates of your yogurt affectation. If you must, feel free to watch anime at the same time. No one will judge you.

Meow. Does your toast taste funny? Do you feel like your toast is lacking some essential toast quality that could propel it from a simple breakfast adjunct into a dedicated segment of the USDA food pyramid?

A Hello Kitty toaster may be just enough to tear you away from your morning anime and set you on a path of nutritional cuteness. Choose from a single slice or a parallel toasting process resulting in dual slices.

Name one anime featuring a fat kid with a posse who lives in the inner city. Name one anime that earned Bill Cosby a PhD from University of Massachusetts. Can you suggest a single anime that appeared for 12 years on CBS Saturday morning television, entertaining millions of children as they chewed their Sugar Pops and slurped their Ovaltine? We didn't think so.

It's round and it bounces. You throw it, you catch it. You take it outside (where the sun is). Yes, it's a ball. Back in the day, sentient humans 'played' with round rubber objects that didn't require batteries, broadband connections, or iTunes subscriptions. Bill Cosby played with balls. Justin Bieber, probably not.

How many anime characters have inspired home improvement products? The good folks at Owens Corning adopted Mr. Panther as their ubiquitous spokesfeline in order to sell pink fiberglass insulating products to children, we think.

It's on television, so it's competing with anime episodes on numerous obscure cable channels. Invented by Merv Griffin after a marathon session of hangman with his deep-thinking Hollywood associates, The Wheel of Fortune game show inspires millions of viewers around the world to turn off their amine and solve word puzzles along with over-excited contestants.

Turn on the TV every evening at about 7PM: there it is. You can't look away and you can't focus on everyday tasks as long as Wheel of Fortune is on the air.

Have you ever been hard-pressed to come up with a number? Here's a tip: 42 is always the answer. When in doubt, simply blurt out "42": your anime-watching friends will have no clue, but your well-read friends who favor humorous science fiction epics from British authors will smile knowingly.

It's not amine because one must actually read words combined into sentences bundled into paragraphs merged into chapters. It all fits together, trust us. Douglas Adams will replace anime in your heart.