How To Get Rid Of An Unwanted Pet Dog

10 Ways To Get Rid Of An Unwanted Pet

Sometimes in life you just have to own up to making a mistake. Like when you bought that brand new car and realized a few months later that the monthly payments coupled with the rising cost of gas were putting you in the poorhouse. At some point you need to admit your bad decision and cut your losses, perhaps trading in your rig for something cheaper or selling it altogether. Pet ownership can be a decision you end up regretting as well due to the fact that there are many situations where owning a pet is an inconvenience. Perhaps your job requires you to travel more giving making it harder to care for Scruffy. You may need to move but the housing market frowns on pets. Maybe your girlfriend is a snaggletooth ho and you want to get the hell out of your relationship because you might kill her if you don't. In any case, if you have a pet and need to get rid of it I'm here to help.

I've compiled 10 sure fire ways to get rid of a pet dog. If you need to get rid of a pet cat check this out...

No need to worry about filling out SPCA questionnaires or putting an ad on Craigslist in hopes that some pet lover will step forward to save the day. My methods are 100% guaranteed and will cost you almost nothing, save a few tears while you say you're last goodbyes setting little Fluffy, Rex, or Biscuit away.

Must Do's

  • 1. Open The Door: The most popular method of getting rid of an unwanted pet is opening the front door or yard gate at home. The call of the wild will be too much for your pet to resist and they will chase freedom like Hillary Clinton chases false hope. If you live on a busy street you may want to give your pet a fighting chance so perhaps a neighbor's house would be a better place to create separation. And don't forget to remove any identification. Obviously, you're not trying to get it back.
  • 2. Take Them To The 3rd World Part Of Town: In most cities there are areas where foreigners live. As the American diet and level of income necessary to eat off Safeway's shelves are not yet accessible, a pet is a welcomed old school snack. Best part about this option is that there will be no evidence left as the circle of life is completed.

More Options

  • 3. Drop Them Off At The Park: It's a fact that kids love pets. Where are kids especially that it's summer time? The park. So take your pet to the park and let them go. Some kid will find your pet and take it home and of course no parent can say no to a kid can who can beg for hours on end. Why not let those little snotty nosed brats do the dirty work for you?

•4. Have A Party: Some pets love beer. Throw a kegger and let the good times roll if your animal is one of these booze hounds. If they OD from Pabst or grab your keys and crash your car like Toonces the Driving Cat then so be it. It was their decision to get wasted, right?

•5. If You're Pet Is Cute Enough, Find A Celebrity Or A Bum: Let's face it, folks who make their living off people in the streets need all the help they can get. Paris Hilton pimps her little pooch for a few extra paparazzi flashes in her direction. Something about having a cute pet makes everyone more attractive. Even the homeless hippy kids in the Haight have dogs and I'm sure the only the way they avoid eating their own feces is by ho-ing out their mutts for Cha Cha Cha's leftovers.

Kind Of A Reach But Give It A Try

•6. Be A Victim Of A Natural Disaster: When Hurricane Katrina went down and thousands of pets had to be left behind as their owners barely escaped with their own lives, an army of volunteers came from all over the country to rescue stray pets from the perilous flood waters. The best thing about natural disasters is that society's rules go out the window so if even if you forget to take your pet's ID off prior to saving your own scrawny behind rescuers will make one half ass attempt at reconciling you with your pet and then quickly give up choosing to assume ownership instead.

•7. Fake An Allergy: Allergies are life savers sometimes because they are your body's way of telling you to get out of an uncomfortable situation. If you develop an allergy to your pet one day, even if you have been symptomless for years, people will help you get rid of your pet because they know if they don't you can get seriously ill. Eye drops, make-up, and hot sauce are all tools to fake a nasty allergic reaction to your pet.

•8. Enter A Pet Race: If a thoroughbred injures itself during a race they off the poor bastard and send it to the glue factory. Of course if it wins, the horse goes on to glory and breeds with prime mates to carry on the champion's legacy. Not sure if all pet competitions are the same but with risk there is reward. Maybe the Westminster Dog Show will be your out clause.

•9. Wrestle An Alligator: Pets can be very protective of their owners. My coworker Cal loves to tell the story about a pooch who saved his drowning master in Florida but was unable to escape the clutches of an oncoming alligator. Perhaps your pet will trade its life for yours if you too are confronted by a man eating lizard with razor sharp teeth and a penchant for Scooby snacks.

•10. Donate To Science: Monkeys use to be all the rage in medical testing, but I guess it turns out that our primitive ancestors are too well loved by fans of "Every Which Way But Loose" to allow contracts renewal. Who else will test amazing products like pepper spray, Viagra, and microwaveable egg rolls? Your pet! Not only will you receive a stipend for signing over Princess's life you'll have the comfort of knowing your former best friends works 12 hour days ensuring the safety of disposable products. Sweet!

Note: This Blog Is Not To Be Taken Seriously! As Bob Barker from The Price Is Right would say... "Have your pets spayed or neutered today."

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Comments 67 comments

nicko guzman profile image

nicko guzman 7 years ago from Los Angeles,CA

Absolutely not.It is cruel to let a pet go because some stray away and become nuisances.The people complain,the animal control comes and usually means bye bye life.

ME 7 years ago

your an asshole. none of these suggestions should be considered

bughat 7 years ago

very funny,i needed a laugh.I do have a dog i have to get rid,i'm not letting it go!!don't know what i'm doing-very sad!!!

lotus-man 7 years ago

will this work on southerners.i have a hillbilly problem.can they be trained????

will pett 7 years ago

This is not even funny. You should eat bleach and die.

haha 7 years ago

this is the funniest thing i have ever read. YOU ARE AWESOME

not funny 7 years ago

Not funny

dennishobson 7 years ago

the bird video is great !!!

Cruel Owner 7 years ago

Great, those annoying animals finally come to an end, it's better not to get any pet in the first place though, but anyway, who cares if some dogs die on the street, there are thousands of homeless people out there, compared to people, those dogs and cats are nothing, they can die for all people care.

Skeeter 7 years ago

You are a moronic jacka$$. Someone should have left your front gate open when you were a child.

Dog Lover/Hater 6 years ago

This is only humor folks - lighten up! Sure we get pissed when our pet act us and occasionally really want to get rid of them, but we won't cuz we're stuck with them and deep down we love the effin critters.

retarded cat owner 6 years ago

I can't believe how horrible it is to have fleas, they won't go the fuck away ever and its a huge pain in the ass. There is also something wrong with the little shit and i can't afford to take him to the vet, what are my options???

Matthew Tiller 6 years ago

Who the hell are you!, this is not humor! some people read it and take it seriously, some people don't even read the comments to think it's humor! between putting them to sleep, and your fucked up list, I swear I'd rather move than get rid of the pet.

No wonder people are so afraid of commitment, Jesus, it's okay to get away with murder as long as it's not human huh. Take it down, delete it this article is not good, YOU made a bad decision by putting this up


Carolyn F 6 years ago

You know, I can't do any of these things. I want to get rid of my 2 cats. I've had one of them for 7 years, the other for 3 years. Honestly, I want them gone, but it's hard. My older cat throws up on the floor and she urines near her litter box. The other one just throws up. I've tried changing their food, brushing their hair, giving them hairball control. I can't afford to get either one of them to the vet. I'm tired of cleaning after them and they continuously ruin my carpet. The stains look disgusting and I'm tired of smelling ammonia in the morning. I wish there was a better way to manage them. I'm so irritated, I am two seconds from utilizing options 1-3. Just being honest.

J. Swifter 6 years ago

It's satire, you dumb f**ks. It's poking fun at the sh1t-for-brains idiots who put about as much forethought into adopting an animal as they put into picking their noses. Obviously, this couldn't possibly be aimed at YOU...

ash 5 years ago

i have a dog ...and i seriously want to get rid of it he is not at all faithfull with me as he bits me every second day and have made my life hell ....plzzzzzz give me some suggestions .....other than leaving him...... as i have done that many a times and he came back every time

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lestopath 5 years ago

I realize you think this is humorous but as you can see many people go into pet ownership unprepared for pet responsibility- and many of the options you list are things they have or will try, remember people suck,and comparing a live creature to an inanimate object is wrong.

to everyone else out there- you chose the responsibility of pet ownership- this is a live creature that is totally dependent upon you and you would just decide to throw it out because you're bored-grow up- man -up and take responsibility- if your pets are sick, take them to the doctor, they'll take payments- i've had to do it myself, my sin gets allergy shots so he can live with the cats we adopted before we knew he had allergies, if your dog bites, take him to obedience classes-and if you really really can't meet your obligations, go online and find a non kill rescue- and don't ever get another pet, we are supposed to be the evolved beings here - yes spay and neuter your pet, but if you are not in it for a life time- don't get one to begin with.

Toaste 5 years ago

I am going to do this no joke yo. These are some good ideas lol. I got 2 fuckin dogs n 2 cats. Now the cats i dont mind, but i cant take the babysitting of these dogs 24/7. Bottom line is, I am fuckin up my life more if i keep em so.

Toaste 5 years ago

Ok so this was a joke article. I will try out #1,#2,#3. He is a hazard and shit bites the cats i mean wtf yo

Dottie 4 years ago

This has to be the rudest site I have ever been on. How dare you irresponsible people live with yourself. KARMA Buddy right back at you when you get old,family decides you are to much trouble, HA! two fold!

I pitty all of you who agrees with this, you are a sad bunch of people

catygirl 4 years ago

This is horrible adveice, anyone who would do thesethings is obviously not right.

Ff 4 years ago

Let them run free!!! Good idea , the easy answers are a better fit for me, ????

Stupid 4 years ago

Why would you do any of these things??? The person who wrote this was a retard!!! This is not funny AT ALL!!! save pets!!

doom 4 years ago

my grandmothers cat is like retarded old, half broken leg, skinny as ****.. something is seriously wrong with her, she just recently 'stoped' using the litter box and now shes droppin carpet bombs... its 85 degrees outside with the humidity index at about nasal burning torture.... funny thing is, she still urinates in the litter box.. is this cat funkin with me!? scratch all those other posts,, when i smelled the crap i just picked up it made me want to throw her in the microwave along with all the contents of the silverware drawer... honestly id rather get puched in the face then smell that ever again.. again, its not my cat, and i dont condone violence against animals, otherwise i would have changed its name to sparky 15 min ago.. well shes been craping at the front door for about a week now, at our front door there is a 4x4 entrance way between the front and inside door, she craped in that little area, i swear i could have killed her.... the smell... omg.. it was like a 200 proof shot of everclear... i picked it up and desposed of it.. but i left a smear behind and shut the inside door, the next person that opens that door is gonna get a dose of reality.. she needs to be put down, seriously. no joke.. all you animal pamperers can kiss my a$$, for real... this snit is brutal. its like mollys mud pie bakery over here. makes me wanna kill "myself" it smells so bad.

doom 4 years ago

but if i had to choose one of those options ubove, i think i would let an animal run free.. it would be the most humane thing to do.. after all they are animals.. maybe consider this, its imprisoned in your house, lol. yeah go ahead and take your pet to the spca with the wishful thinking that maybe a family will come along and adopt your pet, they just kill it when vacancy runs out... id rather free the damn thing and give it a chance at living in the great outdoors than send it directly to the executioner..

msh 4 years ago

Obviously some of these people have never had a dumbass dog. I have a dog with shit for brains. If my damn bf wouldn't be all upset id just accidentally forget to shut the gate. Still might in fact. Not all animals deserve this fate but I think some do.

Some1Desperate 4 years ago

LOL! My stupid azz dog deserves to be eaten by 3rd world people fo sho!

Wth 4 years ago

Why the hell would you ever write this??

To any one who reads this - Bring your pet to a shelter! This page is a JOKE!

Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 3 years ago from Spicewood, Texas

Not funny.

KrysDwrites profile image

KrysDwrites 3 years ago

Maybe not the most tasteful article, but it's obviously a joke. I mean, become the victim of a natural disaster? lol

Also, the article IS listed in the category of humor. Just look at the top of the page.

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whoisit 3 years ago

How do you get rid of hubpages

nufoundglory profile image

nufoundglory 3 years ago from Asia

does this work on small children?

theraggededge profile image

theraggededge 3 years ago from Wales

I have 4 cats and a dog. I love them to bits but I think this is really funny. Can't you lot tell from the way it's written that it's satire? It's categorised under 'Humor', for goodness sakes. You actually need to read the sections in full to get it. There's not much in life that can't be looked at with a little humor, or humour as it is correctly spelt in the UK (that was satire too, geddit?)

Anyone who decided to follow the advice given would be pretty stupid, as in most cases it involves breaking the law.

Edit: Btw, voted up just to annoy the people trying to get HP to censor you.

IzzyM profile image

IzzyM 3 years ago from UK

A vote up from me too. I thought it was funny :)

VVanNess profile image

VVanNess 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

Funny, maybe, but I think a lot of people are taking it way too seriously. It's meant to be a joke. Don't take it for fact. If you really agree with the statements the author made (in fun), you need to see a doctor and give the pet to someone who will care. Hopefully you will never procreate.

Funny article Barcos. Hubpages does encourage you to write about thought-provoking and controversial topics. I think you nailed this one! I hope you get the Great Discussion Starter Accolade from Hubpages on this one!

dtwn 3 years ago

Some are offended, but there has to be a way to correct a mistake one made getting a dog for a kid who promised to feed it, walk it, pick up its pooh, brush it when it sheds etc., etc. Within a week the kid does none of those things and even when in he/she reaches late teens or early 20s and they think they are becoming adult.

Dog hater 3 years ago

This is perfect thanks

RoastPuppy 3 years ago

Fantastic! Here's another favorite with people who want to dump a dog. Take it to the dog park, let it off leash and haul ass! Some dog freak will feel sorry for it and either take it home or to the animal shelter.

lisa alexander 3 years ago

I need to rehome 3 dogs as Guildford canesal wont me to get rid off them

TayTraCon 3 years ago

Brilliant ideas, it's sad that people only buy pets because they are accessories. I love how people get so passionate about how to treat dogs and cats but these same animal lovers are beyond socially awkward and impaired usually living in denial and filthy environments. There is no pride or feeling of accomplishment just because you decided to own a living creature. Humans need to stop viewing pets as accessories and take more responsibilities of their own lives rather than becoming some creatures half assed provider. Dogs belong outside in nature at all times and cats deserve to be kicked at all times.

:-) 2 years ago

This is well as all the comments. Take it or leave it. It is funny how we want everyone to think and feel the same way we do. This is America. Live according to your standards and let everybody else be...

Alicia 2 years ago

To the author of this article and anyone who either finds it humorous or even remotely acceptable to consider any of the above needs to take the very daunting task of considering the fact that they have a mental disease or condition that warrants therapy and/or medication. I say that in all seriousness. If you are capable enough to have purchased or adopted this pet in the first place, then you are capable enough to re-home your pet to someone who is mentally equipped to handle the life of another living and breathing creature whose entire life is currently in your hands. If you can get out of your self for a minute long enough to imagine what it would be like to have no other choice than to rely on someone like you to spend hoping beyond hope that they will spend more than 5 min determining what the REST OF YOUR ENTIRE life is going to be like, whether it's going to be filled with abandonment, heartbreak, fear, homelessness, disease, physical abuse, losing your life, being boiled alive or tortured to death for a culturally insignificant ritual or to just slowly starve to death day after day eating garbage and rotted food or just freezing to near death over and over or be used in a horrific experiment where a "scientist" drills holes into your skull while you are still conscious just to see "what x does" or who will force feed or inject your captive body with poison, or blind you or paralyze you permanently or dismember you or operate on you without anesthesia and/or keep you locked in a 2'x2' cage for the remainder of your unfortunate life. ....................If any of those are not something you yourself would be willing to put yourself through, then don't subject the animal in your care to any of them by making such ill-conceived or irresponsible choices recommended by the clearly sociopathic author. If you still don't care, then I dare you to go get your mental health evaluated by a licensed Doctor because you can't have it both ways. You either have a mental disease that needs treatment or you can make a better choice. Laziness about doing the right thing with your pet or going to the doctor DOES strongly indicate you lack empathy to such a concerning degree that you are you are going to have to face your own mental health is not okay. Inability to bond or show empathy to another living being that is dependent on you and who has done nothing to ever deserve your anger, laziness, selfishness or cruelty should be concerning if you consider yourself mentally healthy. Most mentally challenged people can be high functioning in a majority of areas, but if you found this humorous, prove to yourself that you are in fact mentally healthy. One in every 4 people can be diagnosed as a sociopath or a psychopath as a result of their sheer degree of narcissism to the point of complete detachment to another living creature be it human or animal. A mentally healthy person unequivocally never find even the slightest humor in such depravity acts of cruelty.

Take my challenge and see if you pass an objective educated look into your mental competency.....

Common Sense 2 years ago

This is easily the funniest thing I have read in a long time! The comments are even funnier. People are dipsh!ts when it comes to humor and animals!

Pollock 2 years ago

Think its funnier then shit, ive got a dog that shits and pisses when you look at it wrong I believe the previous owners might have ruined her she shits in the house after having just been outside, she beggs and just pisses me off she doesny listen either one of you dog saviors want a dog? I think letting the dog go would be a great idea if I knew she had afighting chance ive put up with it for awhile im about to drop her ass off at the pound and let me tell you, im not ganna lose any sleep. I wont have to pick up dog shit on the floor ill tell ya that. ive been nothing but good to the bitch im over it ive got a baby that has to play on that floor.

Barcos profile image

Barcos 2 years ago from San Francisco Author

Thanks for all the comments! They are the best part of the page!!!! Keep them coming. Hahahaha.

kerry 2 years ago

I think the person who wrote this should be kicked out of a car in a real 3rd then when someone.finds him take him to the.shelter and be put down

Barcos profile image

Barcos 2 years ago from San Francisco Author

I would be adopted because I only pee on the lawns of mean commenters :)

Rezwana Khan profile image

Rezwana Khan 2 years ago

I would like to add some more suggestions.

* You can kill them with hugs and kisses. you can hug them tightly and kiss their mouth a 100 times until they suffocate.

No one can blame you for loving you pet too much. I am already on 99 kisses a day.

Btw I am seriously worried about people who ticked this blog 'Useful'.

Jessie 2 years ago

First off. I love my arrogant stubborn hard headed pup... no matter how much he tests me, or plays the catch me game... he is smart and i know he knows when he is doing something wrong, he gives me that look... he loves me, and protects me. After going to the spca them telling me they will put him down due to mix bread lab and pit, then posting an add on craigslist and him acting like a fucking idiot in front of people or them wanting a pet but cant afford to feed him, reading this post was my last option, your ideas/tips helped me out. Im keeping my dumb dog.

Barcos profile image

Barcos 2 years ago from San Francisco Author

Nice!!!!! We are all dumb dogs on the inside.

Felix 2 years ago

Great suggestions! I'm going to start at 10 and work my way to 1 until that annoying little bastard is gone!

DoNotWantPets 23 months ago

What I need is a way to get rid of my parents' new dog without them knowing I had anything to do with it. There's no way I can fake an allergy.

Barcos profile image

Barcos 23 months ago from San Francisco Author

Let me know how it works @Felix.

Barcos profile image

Barcos 23 months ago from San Francisco Author

@DoNotWantPets you may need to buy one of these dog eating bushes...

focusonbreathing 22 months ago

This is the funniest thing I've read all day, kudos :)

Barcos profile image

Barcos 22 months ago from San Francisco Author

Thanks @focusonbreathing !!!

Rochelle Stephens 22 months ago

I want to get rid of my puppy because I work graveyard shift and I don't have the time to walk or care for him I sleeping most of the time it's not fair to him help me please I love him to deaf

Danielle 22 months ago

Holy sh!t this is hilarious! Comments are also funny, especially ALICIA, whose storybook comment i did not even bother to read. Ive got two dogs to get rid of, considered giving them a refreshing antifreeze cocktail, but now i want to drop these smelly suckers at your house ALICIA A-HOLE!

Savannah 21 months ago

Some one want a dog for free

Barcos profile image

Barcos 21 months ago from San Francisco Author

@Savannah, perhaps put a general location and the dog type. Perhaps that will help find your dog a home.

Kat 21 months ago

Anybody wants lab/Pitt? I try to let her run off by open the backyard gate, but she don't go anywhere except barking n running around in the front yard.

joem789 20 months ago

We have a dog that we were told was smart. Turns out she's the dumbest damn dog I ever met. Has been nothing but a nuisance. And its time for her to go. She came from a shelter. Now I know why she was there.

Is funny lol 19 months ago

It is too funny. Lol

ROLLING on the floor 16 months ago

I find it amusing when someone thinks their words or opinion truly matter. Like alicia, you're mentally unstable as well hun. Don't for a moment convince yourself you aren't. As humams we have the ability to care for ourselves and NOT rely on others. If you aren't, you have bigger problems than a mut. People aren't neurotic because they don't emoathize with animals. That's reserved for human interaction. So, unless your a dog psych stuff it. If I want to dump my dog, I will & your opinion means squat to me. Seriously, its about as relevant as the dog. People who wish harm on others for their opinions and dislikes are seriously off in the head. Proving to be mentally unstable themselves. do you know what narcissism is? not hatredof animals. But, you're right in row to be one with your egotistical inflation of self importance. You lack the ability to empathize with other, no matter the issue at hand. How empathetic of you

Mb 16 months ago

Many people come from well to do families that can afford training and keeping an animal but when your family is on the fence it's the animal or your well being. I personally think it's silly to put an animal before yourself, you might as well curl up in a ball and put a welcome mat on yourself. These pets are not endangered they run rampant in the streets. I've personally had immature relatives that think they are doing a good deed by adopting then I watch as they dump the animals on their parents or grandparents who didn't ask for a pet and sacrifice a lot to take care of it for them ( I.e. Carpets, furniture, training, vet bills, and food ) I've also had a friend whose dog got into ibuprofen and overdosed just being in their house while they were gone it didn't have proper discipline or house training. humans aren't angels and I think these options actually happen more than you think. Stop pretending to be a saint and setting the social bar way too high.

Mike 14 months ago

I have this loving dog, but I've nick named him Houdini. No matter what I do to keep the animal happy and myself, he screws it up! I have a Rottie that has free roam capability in a acre fenced in yard. The stupid dog climbs the fence and gets out to go exploring around the neighbors houses. Then the neighbors start calling me about the dumb dog is in their yard making a mess and going through the trash. So I bought a 12 foot kennel for the dog to be cozy in with ample room to move around. The idiot dog managed to break the steel wires and bend the bars to escape again. I even have a small night time kennel which he bent and managed to squeeze his large body out of only to repeat the same shit. I even tried tying him up with a chain to a tree inside the 12 ft kennel. That didn't work, he still escaped! I put the chain around his neck so he couldn't possibly get out of it. I later found him in the neighbors side of the fence looking over as if it were funny to him. So I went and bought a heavy duty kennel , that didn't work either. I currently have it duck taped at the seems and paracorded with locks at the door joints so he can't escape . He's a constant pain in the butt! He has ruined everything in the yard! Had to fix and replace things that he has ruined. So tired of this dogs BS! I can't have nice stuff until he's gone! Forget a nice patio set , umbrella, or hammock! It's time he hits the open road!

lakefj 8 months ago

if you hate your pets thats much give them to the humane society. Don't put them through torture and the pet does not know why you are giving them up. Be nice about it.

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