The 100 Worst Jokes Ever Told

Chickens Crossing

The aim of these chickens is to get to the other side of the road. poor chickens those nasty people are laughing at them.
The aim of these chickens is to get to the other side of the road. poor chickens those nasty people are laughing at them. | Source

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Why did the chicken cross the road? who really cares why? because the answer is just not funny, I cross the road every day to get to the other side and not once have I failed to do so because I was laughing my head off thinking about the chicken joke.

Bad Jokes

There is no worse feeling on this earth than when you finish telling a joke and instead of laughing your friends all stare blankly at you wondering when you are going to get to the punchline.

Some jokes are just not funny and although you may have been in stitches of laughter when you first heard the joke your friends just don't see it in the same way as you do and your joke sinks like a lead balloon tied to a barbell and dropped out of an airplane.

Just because a joke is not funny, it does not mean that it will not raise a laugh because some jokes are really so awful that you have to laugh at such poor humor.

Like the joke, A man walked into a bar "Ouch" he said.

If you are a fan of bad jokes please read on and you will find a list of the 100 worst jokes ever told, if you are a fan of a good joke read on you may just read one that you have never heard before.

This may be a list of the worst jokes ever told but I am sure someone will find some of them actually have them laughing.

One Liner Jokes

HMS Queen Mary the only picture I could think of as one liner.
HMS Queen Mary the only picture I could think of as one liner. | Source

Ten Worst One Liner Jokes Ever

One liner jokes are really funny sometimes but on the flip side there are also some real howlers too, which have you groaning instead of laughing.

  • My house wears clothing you know, it has address!
  • I am so disgusting, even my nose smells.
  • I used to be a Werewolf but I'm alright Noooooooooowwwwww!
  • I spilled some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out?
  • I bought my kitten a Onesie, it's the cat's pajamas.
  • Where is Uranus? at the top of your legs.
  • Where does Obama keep his armies? At the end of his wristies.
  • My dog went Woof! I must remember not to play fetch with dynamite again.
  • What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
  • I just let my mind wander, and it forgot to come back.

If you thought those were bad you should read on because those were only the tip of the iceberg.

Knock Knock Who's There?

People seem to like Knock Knock jokes but like anything else that is popular there are a lot of Knockers.
People seem to like Knock Knock jokes but like anything else that is popular there are a lot of Knockers. | Source

Terrible Knock Knock Jokes

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Avon, your bell is broken.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Ach.

Ach who?

Ha Ha, I made you sneeze.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Althea.

Althea who?

Althea later alligator.

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Diploma.

Diploma who?

Diploma here to fix the leak.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Furry.

Furry who?

Furry's a jolly good fellow.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Paul.

Paul who?

Paul hard please the door is stuck again.

Ten Worst Knock Knock Jokes Ever!

Knock knock who's there is the theme now, who could that be at the door?

Knock Knock

Who's there?

You

You who?

Yoo Hoo to you too!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Weeweechu

Weeweechu who?

Weeweechu a merry Christmas.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Amish.

Amish who?

You don't look like a shoe to me.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Dwane.

Dwane who?

Dwane the tub please I'm dwowning.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Juno.

Juno who?

Of course I do, it's me.

Are you in pain yet? The jokes just keep on coming and they are just not funny, I warn you now before you read any further that instead of getting better the jokes just get worse. All That I can do is say well done for getting this far.

10 Worst Doctor Doctor Jokes Ever

After reading only 20 of the worst jokes ever maybe it's time to call the doctor and have a check up.

Doctor Doctor please help me, I only have 59 seconds to live. Doctor "I will be with you in a minute,"

Doctor Doctor please help me, It Hurts when I touch my nose. Doctor "Don't touch your nose then,"

Doctor Doctor please help me, I swallowed a bone, Doctor "Are you choking?" No doctor I really did.

Doctor Doctor please help me,I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu. Doctor "Didn't I see you Yesterday?"

Doctor Doctor please help me, I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Doctor "Have you tried taking the spoon out?"

Doctor Doctor please help me, I feel like a pack of cards. Doctor "I'll deal with you soon,"

Doctor Doctor please help me, everyone thinks I'm a liar Doctor "I can't believe that,"

Doctor Doctor please help me, I swallowed a cantaloupe. Doctor "No wonder you are feeling Melon-Choly.

Doctor Doctor please help me, I feel like a pair of curtains. Doctor "Pull yourself together man,"

Doctor Doctor please help me, I've got wind, Can you give me something for it? Doctor "here's a kite,"

Maybe a visit to the doctor was a bad idea the pain of these jokes is getting worse and the doctor didn't really help much.

Something to eat might just lighten your mood, why don't we go to a nice restaurant and see if the nice waiter can lift our spirits?

Waiter Waiter Jokes

Waiter what is this fly doing in my soup? Looks like the back stroke sir.
Waiter what is this fly doing in my soup? Looks like the back stroke sir. | Source

10 Worst Waiter Jokes

Sitting at the restaurant with a nice glass of wine taking your mind off all of these really bad jokes, you order a nice meal and the waiter brings it too you but you notice a small problem and call the waiter to show him.

Waiter Waiter, There is a fly in my soup. Waiter "Not so loud please, everybody will want one,"

Waiter Waiter, There is a fly in my soup. Waiter "Don't worry sir the spider in the bread will soon get it,"

Waiter Waiter, There is a dead fly swimming around in my soup, Waiter "I think that you are wrong sir, dead flies can't swim,"

Waiter Waiter, This egg does not taste right. Waiter "Don't blame me sir, I only laid the table,"

Waiter Waiter, There is a spider in my salad. Waiter "That's alright sir we won't charge extra,"

Waiter Waiter, What's this bug doing waltzing around my table. Waiter "It's the band, sir, they are playing his tune,"

Waiter Waiter, What is this cockroach doing on my ice cream sundae? Waiter "Skiing by the looks of it sir,"

Waiter Waiter, There's a spider in my soup. Send for the manager. Waiter " That would be a waste of time sir, the manager is scared of spiders,"

Waiter Waiter, Do you have frog's legs? Waiter "No sir this is just the way I walk,"

Waiter Waiter, There is a worm on my plate. Waiter "That's not a worm sir that is the sausage that you ordered,"

Well that was just a waste of time you go out for a nice meal to forget all about these awful jokes for a while and the waiter just makes it much worse. maybe some fluffy animals will help ease your pain.

Worst Ever Animal Jokes

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work. | Source

10 Worst Animal Jokes Ever

Fluffy animals and jokes what more could you ask for? Much more than these ten jokes will ever give you anyway.

  • My dog has no nose. Oh my goodness how does he smell? Terrible.
  • What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.
  • Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.
  • Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
  • How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
  • How do you know an elephant has been hiding under your bed? your nose is touching the ceiling.
  • How do you know if an elephant has been hiding in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter.
  • What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil? Use a pen
  • Where do cows go on Saturday night? The Mooovies.
  • What do you call a cow that twitches? Beef Jerky.

Animals are supposed to be cute and cuddly and bring a smile to your face but these ones just made you moan and groan, maybe we could think about Christmas and take our minds away from all of these not so funny jokes.

Bad Christmas Jokes

Why does Santa Claus live at the North Pole? Because that is where his house is.
Why does Santa Claus live at the North Pole? Because that is where his house is. | Source

10 Worst Christmas Jokes Ever

Christmas is a time for peace on earth and goodwill to all but after reading these "Jokes," that joy and goodwill might just leave forever and never darken your door ever again.

What wears a big red suit and barks? Santa Paws.

What has great big teeth and wears a big red suit? Santa Jaws.

What is red and white and red and white and red and white? Santa Claus rolling down a hill.

Why does Santa Claus live at the North Pole? Because that is where his house is.

What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree? A pineapple.

What’s the difference between Santa’s reindeer and a knight? One slays the dragon, and the other’s draggin’ the sleigh.

What is green, covered with tinsel and flies through your window? Missile toad.

What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle Smells.

How does Santa Claus like his pizza? Deep pan crisp and even.

What is the difference between snow man and snow woman? Snow balls.

Well that was the worst Christmas ever is there any subject that will ease the depression of these terrible jokes? maybe some relationship humor will help us through the rest of them.

Lovers Jokes

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. | Source

10 Worst Relationship Jokes Ever

Boy meets girl, girl meets boy if they tell any of these jokes to each other their relationship sadly will not have a future, Happily ever after will just be a pipe dream.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for an expiration date.

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

Wife 'You think so much of golf that you don't even remember when we were married.' Husband 'Of course I do, my dear, it was the day I sank that forty-foot putt.'

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of encyclopedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
$100 or best offer.
Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?" The man replied, "Yes, I do."

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

What do marriage and a tornado have in common? In the beginning there's a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end someone loses a house.

Relationships are often tempestuous and bitter fighting and arguing become the norm, maybe a bad subject for bad jokes so lets try to lighten the mood a little with a mix and match of one liner bad jokes.

Really Bad Jokes

A flock of legless sheep
A flock of legless sheep | Source

20 Really Bad Jokes

This is a mixture of one line jokes designed to make you laugh well maybe 50 years ago the would have done so.

  1. Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large.
  2. What do you call a Mexican man leaving the hospital? Manuel.
  3. Without geometry life is pointless.
  4. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
  5. I fear for the calendar, it's days are numbered.
  6. I'm reading a book on the history of glue - can't put it down.
  7. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
  8. How do snails fight? They slug it out.
  9. What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A wonky
  10. What do you call a donkey with one eye and 3 legs? A winkey wonky
  11. What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Ten-ish
  12. What's 50 Cent's name in Zimbabwe? 400 Million Dollars
  13. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  14. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a Shih Tzu.
  15. How do Mexicans cut their pizzas? Little Caesars.
  16. The dyslexic devil worshiper sold his soul to Santa.
  17. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
  18. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
  19. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man.
  20. Who are the coolest people at the hospital? The ultra-sound guys.

Maybe one of those tickled your funny bone but that is debatable. There are only ten more to go so you will feel better soon.

Worst Jokes Ever!

These jokes stink like a bad egg
These jokes stink like a bad egg | Source

The 10 Worst Jokes Ever Told

These last ten jokes are bound to push you over the edge if the ones above failed to do so, maybe you should look up comedians on You Tube after this to regain your faith in the human race.

  • What's a green dot in a corner? A punished pea
  • What's brown and sticky? A twig
  • Why did the bubblegum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken's foot.
  • What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing - it just waved
  • What kind of bees give you milk? Boo bees.
  • What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
  • Why did the baker have brown smelly hands? He Kneaded a poop.
  • Two cows in a field the first cow says "Mooooo" then the second Replies "I was just about to say that".
  • Why is the sand always wet at the seaside? Because the seaweed.
  • What happens if you walk under a cow? You get a pat on the head.

Well you made it to the end and I am so proud of you for lasting this long, give yourself a pat on the back (Pardon the pun) and if you find a website where you can printout a certificate you deserve one for lasting the pace so go print it out.

© 2013 James Paterson

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11 comments

Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 2 years ago from England

lol! you know the scary thing is that I have used most of these jokes in the past! no wonder I can clear a room in 60 seconds! Great funny list Jimmy!


Alexander Mark profile image

Alexander Mark 2 years ago from beautiful, rainy, green Portland, Oregon

Some of them were the worst as you said, but I laughed at many more - I like bad jokes. It was hard to pay attention to this, I was reading a book on antigravity and it is difficult to put down....


Efficient Admin profile image

Efficient Admin 2 years ago from Charlotte, NC

Hey these are really funny! I think the Knock Knock jokes are cute!


annart profile image

annart 2 years ago from SW England

I admire you for having the stamina to collect all these together! People like to groan at jokes, though, don't they? Being so awful makes them funny. The Christmas Cracker jokes are like that & we all like to guess at the terrible punchlines.

Great idea for this season. All over now for another year but we can start 2014 with a smile on our faces! Happy New Year!

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Doctor.

Doctor Who?

Oh, you knew already.

(Oh dear, groan, groan....!)


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 2 years ago

Oh my, I've heard lots of these around and still find them amusing. What does that say about me? I love the Knock Knock jokes best.


Ralph Deeds profile image

Ralph Deeds 2 years ago

Hi Jimmy, Here's a joke I heard recently:

After spending a few minutes lecturing a young Sunday school class a priest or minister asked if anyone could explain the concept of resurrection. To which young Jimmy held up his hand and responded "If it lasts more than 4 hours you'd better see your doctor." [Referring to disclaimer at the end of Viagra ads that blanket TVs in the U.S.]


Paula Atwell profile image

Paula Atwell 2 years ago from Cleveland, OH

So, ironically I asked my daughter why the chicken crossed the road this morning on the way to school. :)


Ann Hinds profile image

Ann Hinds 2 years ago from So Cal

Good job, you made me laugh!


Thelma Alberts profile image

Thelma Alberts 17 months ago from Germany

I think you are right. I have only laugh to a few of these jokes. The best was an expiration date for a marriage. Thanks for sharing.


Brenda scully 17 months ago

You were right they were terrible...... Ha ha ha


AliciaC profile image

AliciaC 17 months ago from British Columbia, Canada

There are so many amusing jokes in this collection, Jimmy! Thanks for sharing them.

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