15 Easy Ways For You to Get Yourself Banned From The Theater Forever

Do you enjoy the ballet?

Ballet takes discipline

There are two types of theater: Community theater and the theaters on Broadway in New York City, “The Big Time,” where actors go when their “dues are paid.” Both types of theater are important. In 1993, three friends, Exie Williford, Tommy Roby, and a local pastor, Bro. Clint Padgett, formed The Kudzu Playhouse, in our hometown, Hamilton, Al., and we did local, community theater productions with original scripts and all for established charities.

If anyone tells you, “Oh, how I’d love to do theater,” then you will instantly-know that they haven’t done theater at all. It’s a back-breaking, sweaty-faced, stressful work that you wouldn’t trade for a stack of cash six-foot tall. And if one day the “show business bug,” bites you, nothing, money, new cars, or fast women will satisfy you like the stage lights and being in the spotlight. That’s the plain and simple truth of it.

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BETTER . . .

The musical, "Oklahoma," is am American theater icon

ARTHUR MILLER
ARTHUR MILLER

Dustin Hoffman was "Willy Lowman," in "Death of a Salesman"

Everyone is not a fan of theater

Theater on any level is one dread of most boyfriends and husbands. Their main gripe is: “Having to sit two hours and listen to all of that high-brown yakkety, yak.” But these same guys will think nothing of heading off to the local cinema to sit in seats smaller than their butts to see two hours of mundane explosions, men shooting guns bigger than they are and meaningful-dialogue such as: “Watch out, Ted! He’s got a gun!” No wonder the ladies get so angry at men when the subject of theater rolls around.

And whom do we thank for modern-day community and Broadway theater? William Shakespeare and others of his sort—brilliant, talented, and not being blessed with skills to hold-down a real job. Then there is Neil Simon who is credited with “The Out-of-Towners,” “The Odd Couple,” and “The Sunshine Boys.” I can’t forget the incomparable Arthur Miller who penned the epic theater icon: “Death of a Salesman.” Of course there are many more writers who are at work (even now) laboring over a script that they hope will bring them a Tony Award.

Big scene from "Romeo and Juliet"

Scene from "Hamlet"

Looking back to 2013, I published a hub about how common folk like me, can get past the security personnel who guard those majestic theaters on Broadway, and enjoy a night of good, professional theater performed by professional actors. I wasn’t kidding-around that much in stating that there exists groups of people who literally stop at nothing to get inside one of these theaters.

So to be fair, and I dedicate “this” piece of all of the disgusted boyfriends and husbands who have escorted their female companions to a night at the opera or an acclaimed Broadway play, I proudly present, with my heart in the right place . . .

“15 Easy Ways for You to Be Banned Forever From The Theater”

Images of famous theater moments

The character, Willy Lowman, "Death of a Salesman"
The character, Willy Lowman, "Death of a Salesman"
Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor
Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor
"Romeo and Juliet"
"Romeo and Juliet"
Big scene from "Death of a Salesman"
Big scene from "Death of a Salesman"
Shakespearean actor
Shakespearean actor
  1. Stretch-out your legs so they fit underneath the person’s seat in front of you. Then at the right time, gently kick upward a few times while looking intently at the action on the stage. Sooner or later, the lady whose butt you are kicking will report you to the theater manager and there you go. No more theater for you.
  2. Bring hard candy from home in your suit pocket then crack it with your mouth open.
  3. Cough often and ever-so-gently. Keep this going and you will be courteously asked to never come back.
  4. Whisper things to your wife and do it loud enough for those around you to hear what you are saying. Things like: Your irregularity, and does she want to spice things up in the bedroom.
  5. Pull a convincing fainting episode, but fall forward onto the theater patrons in front of you.
  6. Crack your knuckles as all men do and space-out the times you do this. Oh, how the complaints will flow.
  7. Relieve your burning feet who are not used to fancy slippers. The smell will get you banned forever.
  8. Sneak your cell phone into the theater and just as the curtain goes up, you start watching Monday Night Football and whisper a few phrases like: “Way to go, LeRoy!” Soon, you will be asked to “hit the bricks.”
  9. Remember spitballs in grade school and how much fun it was to secretly flick a well-designed spitball across the room at your buddy, “Jake?” Well . . .this will also work in the theater audience.
  10. Ever so often, ask the people behind you, “Is my big head getting in your way?”
  11. Laugh to yourself at all of the dramatic-scenes. Then laugh to yourself just for the heck of it.
  12. “Bring up the big guns,” by telling your wife or girlfriend you will meet them at the theater, but on the way, you stop at a restaurant and gorge on foods that will produce a nasty gas in your intestines. You know the rest of this tip.
  13. If you can act concerned, say, “Did you see that, honey? A huge rat just ran over our feet.”
  14. Whisper, “Dear, I am burning up,” and fumble around for a while struggling to pull your suit coat off.
  15. Emergency note: If none of these suggestions work, just start saying things such as: “When does the pole dancing start?” “I was told there were naked girls in this play!” and “What does a guy have to do to get a cold beer?

Yeah, men. You can pretty much rest assured of never having to go to the theater again, but I am not responsible for those cold shoulder treatments you are definitely going to receive from your wife or girlfriend. Hey, I am not a rainmaker.

On deck . . .”Things For You Not to Say at a P.T.A Meeting”

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Comments 12 comments

word55 profile image

word55 2 years ago from Chicago

You're right Ken, if you do those things you will get banned from the theatre forever plus your wife will blame you for screwing it all up. Don't scorn the lady that way (lol). Women love plays, drama and theatre excitement. Take her to the theatre, be courteous and have a better night when you get home... :-)


lifegate profile image

lifegate 2 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

Well Ken, It sounds like you speak from experience - like maybe you've tried all 15. Thanks for the advice.


CatherineGiordano profile image

CatherineGiordano 2 years ago from Orlando Florida

You don't fool me. I bet you are a secret lover of high-brow theater.


Mel Carriere profile image

Mel Carriere 2 years ago from San Diego California

I think any lady who wants you to take her to the theatre is a keeper. I've seen some really entertaining plays that even the most disgusting, simple brute could sit through without trying to get kicked out of. Entertaining hub.


sheilamyers 2 years ago

ROFL!!! I'm sure all of those things would work. I'll have to add "must enjoy live plays with the exception of opera (which I dislike)" to the qualifications of Mr Right. I sure don't want to be embarrassed at the theater.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, sheilamyers,

Thank you so much for the laugh. I personally, do not like or understand ballet or opera, but the plays such as I mentioned, I would love to see them on Broadway performed by professional actors.

And the lady with me would have to love popcorn for I cannot and will not attend a function such as the theater without good, old-fashioned popcorn.

Thanks for stopping by, dear Sheila.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

word55,

I would do just that--take her to the theater, but where I live, I DO NOT have such a cultural mecca as the Broadway theaters. I do have a community college theater group, but I cannot get into a play such as "Of Mice and Men," with ALL of the actors not being over 18.

That's just me. I am sure my wife would love real theater, but that means I would have to . . . .wait a minute, word55. I best be counting my blessings, huh?

Thanks for the nice comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, lifegate,

Thank you for the interesting comment, but no, I have not tried ANY of these . . .yet.

The only theater close to New York, Broadway, is Birmingham, Ala., or Atlanta, Ga., and friend, I do not have the cash to buy the gasoline to attend a theatrical-function in these towns.

But . . .do not put it past me to try these IF real theater were to surface in my rural town.

Thank you for the input.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Mel,

All opinions are welcomed on my pieces. You are right. I agree on the keeper part. I also agree that I could sit through a play for someone this special.

And to be totally-honest, I do not like professional baseball, golf or other slow games. I get bored easily.

Come back to see me often.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Dear Catherine,

I find myself laughing at myself (which I needed) all because you found an error in this hub. Yep. High Brow, not brown, is what I intended. It is hilarious and does change the landscape of this story.

Thanks, dear friend, for catching this error. In your honor, I am not going to change it.

And thanks for stopping in to see me.


vkwok profile image

vkwok 2 years ago from Hawaii

Now I know what not to do. Thanks for sharing, Kenneth!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

vkwok,

You are so right.

You are so welcome, my friend.

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