25 Ways Facebook Makes you Lose Faith in Humanity

#1 Spell check is a great thing...

Spell check keeps the best of us (and worst of us) looking like fantastic geniuses, but the next time I see a girl bragging about how great her boyfriend's colon smells I just might lose it. Pretty punny, right? Not so much... Keep on the lookout Facebookers, just because spell check says it's right, doesn't mean it's right!

**Fun Note** I prefer the smell of cologne over most people's colons...

#2 Honesty is the best policy...

Tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help you God, unless you're telling three hundred of your "friends" your most personal secrets. Your close friends and family might be very concerned about your latest surgery, divorce, or drunken rampage, but unless you're sharing pictures of puppies and kitties you might want to keep everything else on the down low.

#3 If you're going to commit a crime...

Now if you're going to commit a crime you may not be the smartest person in the world, but bragging about your accomplishments on Facebook may not be the best course of action. Don't be like the guy who siphoned gas from a police vehicle and posted the picture of himself doing so... Yes, there are people that stupid out there...

If you want to go to prison though I have excellent advice on doing so in this article.

#4 My team is better than yours...

No they're not. This always ends the same. "You're going down!---Nuh uh!!" Yes... That's how stupid you look when you say that and your team loses, or even worse... when they win. Sports are meant to be a fun competition to watch, and seeing the "professional" yokels on the national sports shows is vomit inducing enough, but you're taking it to the next level and no one cares who you think is the Greatest of All Time.

#5 You stupid girl!

Yeah, you stupid gurlll! Stay away from my boyfrann!! You's a ho!

I don't really need to say a lot about this one... It's fairly self explanatory.

#6 I like you, and you, and you....

Yes, you're that stud that everyone wants. You're the man, but you forgot to log out of your Facebook and now your girlfriend knows that you've been sleeping with Kelly, Gwen, Stacy, Jessica, and all their friends. Way to go Casanova! This one is just as funny as it is sad, but you can Google it for a few good laughs.

#7 I even like you, and you, and you....

Due to Facebook's awesome privacy settings pretty much all of your "friends" see what pictures you're liking, who's walls your posting on, and who you're friending. This may not be to the level of lowly love referenced above, but it can get anyone into hot water. Be careful where you click.

#8 Damn dude! You smoked that whole joint, and killed that beer bong!

Congratulations, you're a champion party animal! It's just too bad that your boss saw that and your friend decided to reference the picture with your name in his blog. Sure, you're fired, but you have one hell of a career at a McDonald's waiting for you.

#9 It's a social network.. and that's not... socially acceptable...

Please... please... PLEASE do not send people nude pictures of yourself online. The top five following reasons are:

1) Hackers
2) Hackers....
3) Laws?
4) Reddit... (Yes you're going to show up in a banner advertisement on some website)
5) Nothing EVERRR gets deleted on the internet. It will stay out there in space forever. Use caution kids.

#10 What are you doing with your face?

You don't look like a duck. You look like you have some type of strange disease. Women of the internet please stop doing this...

#11 You're voting for... who?

Does anyone remember when it was practically blasphemy to ask someone else who they were voting for? Well now if you don't vote for the party that I'm voting for you're going to hell, you're dooming the economy, angels aren't getting their wings, you're making babies and mothers around the world cry, and the entire planet will explode. There are no exceptions.

#12 What is this thing?

Please no more pictures of strange bodily growths. I have enough of my own thank you.

#13 Acronyms are fantastic...

But don't think your creative genius will woo the ladies (or dudes). In fact, when used incorrectly this can be the worst backfire of all time. For example:

"Hey all my frands... IAA!! (I am awesome)"

"Oh... I thought it stood for Idiot Ass Ardvark, or Intentional Anal Avalance..."

You would be amazed how often this happens...

#14 Drunk Facebooking.. Funny? Sad? Both?

There are times when the endless typos of some random lost soul vomiting their undying love for someone who is completely uninterested can be hilarious, but It becomes more sad when you imagine the morning filled with dehydration, degradation, and headaches as this same poor person drags themselves to their keyboard to try to delete that horrid event. It's too late.. It's too late... oh... It's far too late...

#15 Wow you were really cute five/ten/fifteen years ago...

Yeah, you have a really hot profile pic from five years ago. This is not an excuse to drink heavily, eat heavily, and take the world's longest vacation from the gym. This can only end in a sad reunion of friends.

#16 Yeah, I did this, this, this, that, and.. Did I mention how awesome I am?

Come on overachievers! You're making your completely normal friends feel like crap, and they aren't even that bad. They're normal! How do you think you're making the slackers feel? PS Quit bragging so much...

#17 Your five year old, dog, and chicken don't need their own Facebook accounts...

Seriously, if they did, they would make one themselves.

#18 There's nothing worse...

Than BAD POETRY!! Seriously! Especially when it's being written by a dude!

For all the world is my tears and sadness
whilst you share the bed of that skateboarder
How dare thee for I am the local pizza boy
and this pizza is important
he is a mere video game dealer
Agast!! oh my mortal soul art scarred
and my Emo eyeliner run thickith with my tears! *SOBS*

#19 Oh sweet love...

Is not so sweet in the example above, but I can't decide if it's even worse when a new couple are gushing over each other in repeated Facebook posts...

"I love you honey pie" --Girl
"I love you too sugar sticks" --Boy
"I love you more cuddle buddie" --Girl
"I love you the most sweet pudding butt" --Boy
"STFU!!!"-- Everyone else reading this...

This is what private messages are for. Use them effectively.

#20 Your... you did... what?

Don't be the lady who posted her credit card information to the wall of her husband for a quick order. Yes, once again, there are people this stupid. This also goes for your social security number, mother's maiden name, home address, any and all bank numbers, and if you're actually learning something while reading this, you are in fact the reason this blog was created.

#21 You would not believe what I just did!!

No, in fact, no one can believe you pooped that big, but really? Did you have to post a picture...? *Vomit* (It is pretty amazing that you only weigh 120 lbs and you pulled that off though... You probably deserve an award...)

#22 You're sad... and Facebook is not a therapist...

I once saw someone go on a rampage commenting on everyone's sad posts they could find. Keep in mind that although you may find some sympathy, this can end VERY poorly.

#23 Yes Facebook makes you lose faith in humanity...

but as I briefly mentioned above, keep the puppy and kitty pictures coming. I certainly haven't lost faith in animals, and they are smarter than a high percentage of social network users.

#24 Give everyone a chance...

Show the worst offenders this blog, if they don't see the error of their ways, then all is fair! Feel free to rip on them to no end...

#25 Maybe you should...

So maybe you've committed every atrocious fail on this list. Maybe you could try Google+! Reinvent yourself on a less used social network that will allow you to start anew! That is.. until everyone else from Facebook shows up there. Good luck!!


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1 comment

Mel Carriere profile image

Mel Carriere 2 years ago from San Diego California

Very entertaining spin on the Facebook experience. I have to confess that I enjoy it, although lately I am rather perturbed at the Facebook police for shutting me down from friending, even though I have religiously followed their guidelines. I think Facebook takes themselves way too seriously, because as you have pointed out 90 percent of the stuff on there is pretty vapid. Great hub!

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