3,700,000 People Need Something To Do

3,700,000 people need something to do

Recently, John Mayer rocked the worlds of 3.7 million people by canceling his Twitter account. As most of us already know, Twitter allows anyone with free time and an Internet connection to broadcast their comings and goings in 140 character snippets. Eventually the Twitter folks will take their company public: Wall Street will become hot and bothered along with Main Street.

What Will Happen To These People?

3.7 million people represent well over 1% of the total population of the United States. Certainly not all John Mayer followers live in the USA, but we Americans generally embrace social networking web sites and pop music as capably as any other population. These folks need something else to do, regardless of their country of origin.

Gladly stepping into the breach, we offer alternatives for the millions of Mayer followers who no longer hang on his every Tweet. Going outside to play presents the most obvious alternative, but we suspect that leaving ones' parents' basement might seem scary at first. Venturing out into the sunshine poses problems: sunglasses, sunblock, sunhat, SPF 40 clothing and related gear must be secured before venturing away from the computer and the refrigerator.

Discraft 175 gram Ultimate Ultra-Star disc

The Ultimate Players Association anoints this product as official. Take it outside and throw it at your friends: they will catch it and toss it back to you. At least, that's the general plan. You can also toss it at stationary devices scattered throughout grassy areas in an approximation of 'golf'. If you should encounter John Mayer on the course, consider it an added benefit. Twitter your score as soon as you get home.

X Loop P5 Polarized Active Sports Frame Sunglasses

We want our sunglasses to:

  • Fit properly
  • Block 100% of UVA and UVB rays
  • Provide some measure of protection from flying objects
  • Look really extremely agonizingly stunningly breathtakingly cool

However, we inevitably purchase our sunglasses based on how they are named. A pair of "X Loop P5 Polarized Active Sports Frame Sunglasses" pretty much sets the standard for eye protection naming strategies. We might be able to jam in another adjective, but we run the risk of exceeding the 140 character limit imposed by Twitter.

Phoenix Suns Purple / Orange Bill Adjustable Hat / Cap

These lids afford sun protection while honoring the National Basketball Association team of the same name. John Mayer fans who have never been to a basketball game, watched a basketball game on television, or tweeted about a basketball game may require some explanation, but the horizon expansion is well worth the effort.

Outdoor Research Sun Runner Sun Hat

Given that Twitter no longer holds the attention of 3,700,000 John Mayer fans, perhaps one or two will drift toward scientific research performed outdoors. To that end, this product from Outdoor Research offers to provide protection from sun damage. Made from synthetic materials that John Mayer may or may not approve of, this adorable hat extends well beyond the traditional head covering and provides neck, cheeks, and forehead shelter. A wide range of sizes fits a wide range of outdoor John Mayer fan heads.

Swiss Gear 10- by 10-Foot Smart Shade Canopy

Certainly, 3.7 million John Mayer fans will not fit under this smart shade, but given that we paid attention in algebra class, we calculate that 5 rabid fans will fit comfortably within the 100 square feet of shade provided by just one smart shade: each fan enjoys 20 square feet of shaded space.

Extrapolating to accommodate all 3,700,000 disaffected fans:

3,700,000 / 5 = 740,000 Swiss Gear 10- by 10-Foot Smart Shade Canopies.

Placed edge-to-edge, this would require 740,000 X 100 = 74,000,000 square feet, or 1700 acres, or 2.5 square miles, of picnic space. That's peanuts when compared to Woodstock.

Conclusion

We sincerely wish nothing but the best to all 3.7 million John Mayer fans who were unceremoniously cut off from their tweets. Go outside and play.

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Comments 3 comments

Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 6 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

They can all come to the movies with me. I'm not paying for them all, though.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Robwrite : Will John Mayer be there?


Pcunix profile image

Pcunix 6 years ago from SE MA

Twitter has become nearly pointless. I won't follow anyone who is following more than a few hundred people because they obviously have to be "Twitter deaf" - too much stuff coming down. I stop following anyone who tweets too often because they make ME Twitter deaf.

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