5 Things Stupid People Do in Movie Theaters That Burn My Britches

I’m a firm believer in basic human rights. One of them happens to be the right to enjoy the movie of your choosing in a theater in whatever style suits you. Want to spend $6 on a mediocre hotdog? Rock on, brotha. Want to sneak a Big Mac value meal in by forcing your girlfriend to carry the largest purse she owns? Cool with me. Even if you feel the need to wear a helmet and elbow pads to fully enjoy the excessive special effects of a Michael Bay or Nora Ephron film, I say, celebrate your freedom! However, you cross a line when your asinine behavior starts to infringe on my ability to absorb the majesty of the feature film for which I have purchased a ticket.

I’m not one of those people who likes to say “Shhh” or throw things at the below offenders (unless you participate in more than one of the offenses, then all bets are off), but instead I choose to offer this list under the anonymity of the Internet (I’m a brave one). I’ve compiled this list of obnoxious behavior that people exhibit in movie theaters that really get my goat. Call me anal, uptight, or just plain bitchy but I’m sure there’s at least one thing on this list that gets under your skin too. If not, then you’re probably guilty of these crimes and you should pray that you and I never meet in a dark alley.

No one gives a whoo-haa if you are going to see the latest Wayans Brothers movie because the trailer for their latest parody has made you pee your pants with the type of hysterical laughter that is reserved for babies and morons. Nor do I care if you can’t wait for Brad Pitt’s latest film because he’s sooooo dreamy. It’s really special that you have an opinion, but nobody cares. If you truly feel compelled to let the world know which trailers you enjoy and which you hate, start a blog so that people have the freedom to ignore your insignificant assessments of the garbage Hollywood is pawning off on us these days. God invented the Internet for this purpose (and that is why I go to church).

Whether you’re talking (newsflash:  nobody wants to hear what you’re doing after the movie), texting (your clicking isn’t as quiet as you think), or using it as a flashlight, your phone is incredibly annoying to those around you and you deserve to be smacked in the head.  This is especially directed at movie theater employees who are on their break.  I know what that life is like, as I worked in one for three years.  You may not realize that the little light produced by your screen is quite distracting.  I’m sure it’s vital that you check your BFF’s Facebook status, but could you maybe go to the car for that?  If not, at least sit in the last row with those disgusting people making out.  As a general rule, if you aren’t able to turn your phone off (or keep your hands off your boy/girlfriend) for 2 hours then you are entirely too busy and important to see a movie.  Do us all a favor--get Netflix.

This is a no brainer, right?  Not for the morons out there who think they’re whispering when they ask their friend/partner/stranger-sitting-next-to-them “What did she just say?”  You might miss serious plot points by attempting to backpedal in this way.  Not only are you missing out, but those cursed by bad karma next to you are too.  The worst is when you don’t get a joke during a comedy, so you turn to the person next you and say “I don’t get it.”  That means that either the joke was dumb, or you are.  You now have a choice to preserve the little bit of dignity that you have and keep your mouth shut, or not only admit to being an idiot, but also piss off those around you in the process.  It’s your move, genius.

Absurd?  Sadly, this is an observed behavior that I thought was funny for a half second before the previews started, but boiled my blood once the opening credits rolled.  It’s great that you are a lover of music.  Good for you!  However, this is a movie theater, not American Idol auditions.  I didn’t pay $12 to listen to your rendition of Hall and Oats “You Make My Dreams.”  No, I paid my hard-earned cash to watch the characters on the screen dance around or simply talk over the soundtrack.  My advice is:  limit your squawking to your shower (or wherever else you choose to lie to yourself) or don’t be surprised when you get pelted in the head by a Skittle.

This could be a subset of #1 and #3, but it’s so annoying it stands alone.  During a horror movie, I can understand a scream or even an expletive slipping out uncontrollably.  Feel free to release those, they add to the ambiance of theater-going.  What I don’t understand are those people who think that if they say “Don’t go outside or you’re gonna die” that they will have any impact on what the person onscreen is doing.  Hate to break it to ya, buddy, but the characters’ fates were already sealed before you walked into the theater.  Yet, the worst of all is during any genre when there is a potentially “romantic/gettin’ dirty” scene and someone makes the comment, “They’re gonna do it!”  Yeah, I’m pretty sure we can all see that.  Every theater I’m in can’t possibly be filled with 13-year old boys, so that means you need to grow up (I mean, The Time Traveler’s Wife, really?).

In summary, if you are an important person who is attached to your phone, a compulsive singer, or have such an overinflated ego that you believe that everyone in the world is dying to hear your opinion on everything at all times, please stay at home and spend some quality time in front of your mirror.  Better yet, if you are one of these people, email me what movies you are interested in seeing so I know to rent them instead of having to endure your dumbass for two hours of my life.

I hear Blockbuster is a lovely place, so maybe you should check it out.