5 Things Stupid People Do in Movie Theaters That Burn My Britches

Kid in Movie Theater
Kid in Movie Theater | Source

Not to Sound Angry or Anything....

I’m a firm believer in basic human rights. One of them happens to be the right to enjoy the movie of your choosing in a theater in whatever style suits you. Want to spend $6 on a mediocre hotdog? Rock on, brotha. Want to sneak a Big Mac value meal in by forcing your girlfriend to carry the largest purse she owns? Cool with me. Even if you feel the need to wear a helmet and elbow pads to fully enjoy the excessive special effects of a Michael Bay or Nora Ephron film, I say, celebrate your freedom! However, you cross a line when your asinine behavior starts to infringe on my ability to absorb the majesty of the feature film for which I have purchased a ticket.

I’m not one of those people who likes to say “Shhh” or throw things at the below offenders (unless you participate in more than one of the offenses, then all bets are off), but instead I choose to offer this list under the anonymity of the Internet (I’m a brave one). I’ve compiled this list of obnoxious behavior that people exhibit in movie theaters that really get my goat. Call me anal, uptight, or just plain bitchy but I’m sure there’s at least one thing on this list that gets under your skin too. If not, then you’re probably guilty of these crimes and you should pray that you and I never meet in a dark alley.

1) Commenting on Movie Previews

No one gives a whoo-haa if you are going to see the latest Wayans Brothers movie because the trailer for their latest parody has made you pee your pants with the type of hysterical laughter that is reserved for babies and morons. Nor do I care if you can’t wait for Brad Pitt’s latest film because he’s sooooo dreamy. It’s really special that you have an opinion, but nobody cares. If you truly feel compelled to let the world know which trailers you enjoy and which you hate, start a blog so that people have the freedom to ignore your insignificant assessments of the garbage Hollywood is pawning off on us these days. God invented the Internet for this purpose (and that is why I go to church).

Leave Me Alone!

Source

2) Using Your Cell Phone in Any Way, Shape, or Form

Whether you’re talking (newsflash:  nobody wants to hear what you’re doing after the movie), texting (your clicking isn’t as quiet as you think), or using it as a flashlight, your phone is incredibly annoying to those around you and you deserve to be smacked in the head.  This is especially directed at movie theater employees who are on their break.  I know what that life is like, as I worked in one for three years.  You may not realize that the little light produced by your screen is quite distracting.  I’m sure it’s vital that you check your BFF’s Facebook status, but could you maybe go to the car for that?  If not, at least sit in the last row with those disgusting people making out.  As a general rule, if you aren’t able to turn your phone off (or keep your hands off your boy/girlfriend) for 2 hours then you are entirely too busy and important to see a movie.  Do us all a favor--get Netflix.

3) Asking Questions Out Loud

This is a no brainer, right?  Not for the morons out there who think they’re whispering when they ask their friend/partner/stranger-sitting-next-to-them “What did she just say?”  You might miss serious plot points by attempting to backpedal in this way.  Not only are you missing out, but those cursed by bad karma next to you are too.  The worst is when you don’t get a joke during a comedy, so you turn to the person next you and say “I don’t get it.”  That means that either the joke was dumb, or you are.  You now have a choice to preserve the little bit of dignity that you have and keep your mouth shut, or not only admit to being an idiot, but also piss off those around you in the process.  It’s your move, genius.

4) Singing

Absurd?  Sadly, this is an observed behavior that I thought was funny for a half second before the previews started, but boiled my blood once the opening credits rolled.  It’s great that you are a lover of music.  Good for you!  However, this is a movie theater, not American Idol auditions.  I didn’t pay $12 to listen to your rendition of Hall and Oats “You Make My Dreams.”  No, I paid my hard-earned cash to watch the characters on the screen dance around or simply talk over the soundtrack.  My advice is:  limit your squawking to your shower (or wherever else you choose to lie to yourself) or don’t be surprised when you get pelted in the head by a Skittle.

Cinema
Cinema | Source

5) Talking Back to the Screen/Giving Your Own Color Commentary

This could be a subset of #1 and #3, but it’s so annoying it stands alone.  During a horror movie, I can understand a scream or even an expletive slipping out uncontrollably.  Feel free to release those, they add to the ambiance of theater-going.  What I don’t understand are those people who think that if they say “Don’t go outside or you’re gonna die” that they will have any impact on what the person onscreen is doing.  Hate to break it to ya, buddy, but the characters’ fates were already sealed before you walked into the theater.  Yet, the worst of all is during any genre when there is a potentially “romantic/gettin’ dirty” scene and someone makes the comment, “They’re gonna do it!”  Yeah, I’m pretty sure we can all see that.  Every theater I’m in can’t possibly be filled with 13-year old boys, so that means you need to grow up (I mean, The Time Traveler’s Wife, really?).

In summary, if you are an important person who is attached to your phone, a compulsive singer, or have such an overinflated ego that you believe that everyone in the world is dying to hear your opinion on everything at all times, please stay at home and spend some quality time in front of your mirror.  Better yet, if you are one of these people, email me what movies you are interested in seeing so I know to rent them instead of having to endure your dumbass for two hours of my life.

I hear Blockbuster is a lovely place, so maybe you should check it out.   

Which Of These Behaviors Bother You The Most?

  • Commenting on Movie Previews
  • People on Cellphones
  • Asking Questions Out Loud
  • Singing
  • Talking Back To The Screen
See results without voting

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Comments 23 comments

sabrebIade profile image

sabrebIade 7 years ago from Pennsylvania

Singing?

Really?

LOL...thank goodness I haven't had to go through that one....yet.


Old Man 7 years ago

Obviously I agree with most of what you say. I really kind of disagree on number one. I feel like that doesn't count as movie time. Plus, its a quick, easy way to gauge other people's interest in whatever the new movies are.


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 7 years ago Author

There was a man singing "Hurt So Good" before "The Ugly Truth" which I thought was funny. Then he tried to sing all the songs on the soundtrack--and didn't know the words. Annoying!


C Fagan 7 years ago

I sat through one of the re-released Star Wars with the kid behind me making the light saber noises...considering there was snoring from my sister the first time I saw "Empire Strikes Back," I kinda saw it as an improvement on the soundtrack.


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 7 years ago Author

I feel like the light sabre noises would be cute for the first thirty seconds, then that kid's parents should be arrested for allowing it to go on.

It obviously wasn't me snoring because I wasn't alive when "Empire Strikes Back" was in theaters.


film critic profile image

film critic 6 years ago

This is a hub that I would like to think many of us sympathize with, but I read another hub awhile ago where someone was complaining about the lack of audience participation at movies these days.

Unfortunately, I take my mother to the movies on occasion - she consistantly asks, "what just happened?" I am left with having to "SHHHH" her consistantly which is just as annoying, I'm sure. I will let you know if I'm bringing my mom to a theatre near you.

I also think that the "Don't talk during the movie" skits at the beginning of the trailers are a bit too subtle. They should just be like, "If you talk during the movie, we're throwing your ass out, no questions."


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 6 years ago Author

film critic-thanks for the heads up before bringing your talking mom to the theater--now if others would be so considerate :0) I agree that there should be more severe threats and consequences for those dingleberries who want to chat or play with their phones during movies. Flogging, perhaps?


Adamgreen profile image

Adamgreen 6 years ago from Peterborough

Think this might just happen in American theatres, doesn't happen here ;)


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 6 years ago Author

Adamgreen-I want to go wherever you are then!


susanlang profile image

susanlang 6 years ago

Ha..ha..ha I loved the way you presented this topic. I'm one of those people you mentioned who carried in a big bag and loaded it up with snacks and cans of Iced Tea. Mark always said we pay enough to get in and no 16 ounce soda is worth $3.00. That being said, we went to see Iron Man once and the two clowns in front of us were a real trip. Every time some good action packed scene played out, these two clowns jumped out of their seat in front of us and yelled "Go Iron Man- Go-Go-Go!! Believe me, I was wishing they would go alright. HOME! After 35 min of that my hubby told them to sit down and shut it or he was going to have them removed. People just get lost in the moment at the movies and many have no concern for anyone else. Good hub, loved it!


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 6 years ago Author

Susan-go ahead with your big bag o' snacks! Give Mark a high-five for standing up to those fools in Iron Man :0)


eli grey profile image

eli grey 6 years ago from Philadelphia, Pa

Well, I've only been to the movies once to see Spiderman 2 when it came out. I didn't even pay for the ticket. I sat in the back to spare my eyes and had popcorn, which I didn't pay for. The movie sucked but the experience was cool. I don't plan on going to the movies again because I enjoy watching a good flick in my room alone so I can get into it. All of the above would be annoying though.


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 6 years ago Author

eli--I love the theater experience, but it can easily be ruined by the other fools in the audience. I still watch plenty of movies at home, where I can control the noise level in the room so I can appreciate both sides. Movies are great wherever you choose to watch them! Thanks for the comment.


Hi-Jinks profile image

Hi-Jinks 6 years ago from Wisconsin

Those are the reasons I don't go to the movies. I rent instead.


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 6 years ago Author

Hi-Jinks, good choice! Thanks for stopping by :0)


rajivnandy profile image

rajivnandy 6 years ago from India !!

hey megavitamin, :D

nice hub there....but i want 2 point out that just as you paid for the movie there are oders who did it too....yes im nt sayin dat the habits arent annoying..see ,they want to njoy to the fullest so they do it nt a big deal.But cinemas are public places and such things are bound to happen so you got to deal with it . Things like these are pretty common in multiplexes bac here in india like as u said singin,commenting,dancing,whistling etc .

PEACE* :)


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 6 years ago Author

Rajivnandy-thanks for the comment. I have no problem with other people enjoying the movie-going experience to the fullest, but it shouldn't infringe on other people's enjoyment. I didn't pay $12.50 to hear other people's conversations about what they're going to do after the movie. At least I know it's not just an American thing! Thanks for stopping by.


FuzzyCookie profile image

FuzzyCookie 6 years ago

I Guess, I naturally possess a vocal chord that produces loud voice when in a theater ..lol

So, I am stupid.

Nice hub btw..lol


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 6 years ago Author

FuzzyCookie-Just make sure we don't go see the same movies at the same time! Thanks for the comment :0)


Aimee 6 years ago

You forgot babies. People with cooing, crying babies should rent.


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 6 years ago Author

TRUE STORY, Aimee! The movies that people bring their babies to see baffles me. Is a baby really going to understand "Shutter Island" when his/her idiot parents don't?


Lindsay 4 years ago

I have the exact same problems dealing with people at the movie theater. After I tell someone to shush, they start talking again. One woman was eating SO loudly, I wanted to smack her. What do you do in these situations? As for me, I haven't been to the movie theater in AWHILE because I can't deal with how rude audience members are. Maybe I have to move to another country.


Megavitamin profile image

Megavitamin 4 years ago Author

Lindsay, I've actually started going to the movies during the day in the middle of the week (it's a luxury I have being only semi-employed). I also never go to a movie opening weekend, especially if there's a lot of buzz around it. The less people in the theater, the lower the chances of encountering obnoxious behavior! Good luck :0)

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