A Poke in the Eye

It was one of those spastic moments... like all... derr... and whatever.

Image courtesy of Lauren the awesome artist.
Image courtesy of Lauren the awesome artist.

So it started out with me stabbing myself in the eye with my glasses. It’s ironic if you think about it, to stab yourself in the eye with eyeglasses; I mean, eyeglasses are supposed to be good for your eyes, and yet, here’s mine stabbing me. (In case you’re wondering, I walked through a parking lot during a sprinkle, and, to avoid drops on the lenses, put my glasses in a pocket until I got inside—a bad plan apparently as I seemingly lack the depth perception without them to prevent optical injury upon putting them back on).

So okay, I get stabbed in the eye by my glasses; I’m fine. No worries. But then, as I’m driving around after that, I hear on the radio the news guys talking about the rain. “Oh it looks like another several days of rain, folks,” he says. “A long dreary weekend for us, and probably continued gloom until as late as Tuesday.”

Dude! What the hell? First off, we are having a water shortage in this part of California. Since when is rainfall a doom and gloom prospect for a state suffering a tremendous collective thirst? How is that a dreary prospect? I mean, imagine you and a friend are starving to death somewhere, like, really starving, and suddenly you find yourself standing before a giant smorgasbord with some big, burly bouncer telling you have to have to have at least two platefuls and a dessert or he will "break you," and then your idiot friend turns to you and says, “Damn, look at that heaping buffet over there, we’re gonna be stuck eating for a while. How dreary.” I mean, wouldn’t you have to reconsider your relationship at that point?

Please look at this picture for a moment.

How is this dreary?  I call this beautiful.
How is this dreary? I call this beautiful.

And on top of how wrong these anchormorons are, what the hell ever happened to impartiality in the media? Aren’t they just supposed to report the facts? I mean, I realize that they don’t bother trying to be impartial on stuff like politics or issues that impact the companies that own them or that those owners have a stake in, but since when did they start injecting their opinion on the weather so heavy-handedly?

So I was all, "This weather is only gloomy if you are an idiot. Go get another dose of UV from a tanning booth if you think all this water is a dreary thing.  We're in a drought for F-s sake."  Yes, I was yelling at the radio, but I was like, wow, really? Plus my eye hurt, which probably wasn’t helping my attitude.

That "Oh really?" one eyebrow look that Spock gives when he wants you to know you're an idiot but is too cool to say it.
That "Oh really?" one eyebrow look that Spock gives when he wants you to know you're an idiot but is too cool to say it.

So, talk about hurting my eyes, we go to breakfast after this, my wife and I. There’s this great redneck style breakfast restaurant that starts its breakfast selections with THREE eggs and whatever meat you like as the modest portion of the menu and moves to four eggs if you want to eat like a man. None of this pussy two egg or, I can hardly even say it, one egg, crap. No, this place serves actual breakfast to actual Americans who aren’t too beaten down by judgmental media and supercilious Europeans raising their querulous one eyebrow all Mister Spock-like at us because we are so fat. We are fat because we CAN be fat, so get off me Euro. I notice your continent is taking an economic crap too, so, apparently you people aren’t any smarter than we are.

Add 2 more eggs, and this is exactly what I had. That's right skinny European person, I hope you get stuck sitting next to me on an airplane, me all swole-up over into your little tiny area taking up all my American space.
Add 2 more eggs, and this is exactly what I had. That's right skinny European person, I hope you get stuck sitting next to me on an airplane, me all swole-up over into your little tiny area taking up all my American space.

Anyway, so I’m in there eating my giant breakfast with two pork chops and four eggs (yes, pork chops, made from SWINE, and, No, I am not afraid of getting a disease from pork, because I can read and so I understand that that is NOT how people get swine flu, and that the sky is NOT falling, and that there are many other things underpinning the impending “pandemic” that make the nonsense being said on the news and around the proverbial watercooler just piss me off and think that if the pandemic does kill us all it will be because God was looking down here and said to himself, “God these people are stupid. I never should have told Noah to make that boat.”

I'm only catching the looming part here; the rest of it would be inappropriate to convey.
I'm only catching the looming part here; the rest of it would be inappropriate to convey.

So anyway, yeah, I’m eating my eggs and swine breakfast happily, and I look up and I was like, “Woah, what the hell?”

There was this, like, seven foot he/she guy standing in the door of the restaurant… nay, not standing, he was filling… or, or, looming mountain-like in it. He or she, or, if I may say, “it,” was so huge and visually peculiar, that, well, I was taken entirely aback.

Now, I can already hear a bunch of you going, “Oh, that’s so mean,” and ,“He probably has gigantism and maybe combined with some form of trans-gender thing going on, cut him/her some slack.” And yeah, you’d normally be right.

If that were the only issue, I wouldn’t even be writing this. I get all that: Life deals us all a hand of cards and we play them best we can. But you see, besides being seven feet tall, somewhat misshapen on the scale of anything nominally normal—clearly man-like with a broad sort of Neanderthal brow and the over-all presence of someone who has bones thick as any fossilized dinosaur in a museum display, and sporting hair far too short to have been made pretty by the feeble, sort-of flickering-flame thing he’d tried to curling-iron into the patchy roadkill laying on his head--this issue I have with this man (or woman) grew from the fact that he/she was wearing this sheer yellow tank top that was as see-through as a nylon mask, and that by selecting this entirely revealing and inappropriate attire, he'd thrust his/her intimate places most glaringly into the visual realm of my breakfast reality far beyond anything approaching propriety. Think Frankenstein’s sex-change goes horribly wrong and he tries to compensate by covering it with a wet t-shirt.

So here is this towering behemoth of a transgender-ish person sporting broad, masculine shoulders to make Lebron James jealous and yet also thrusting a pair of soggy B-cups through his/her shirt in a way that made eating a large, steaming plate of country cooking nearly impossible to do.

Stars!  (And this is a radio, so you can stop being offended now.)
Stars! (And this is a radio, so you can stop being offended now.)

I shan’t go into further detail, suffice to say there was no avoiding staring at the drooping pair of benippled gourds dangling there and glaring at me through that shirt, nor was there any way to hide in concerted contemplation of my plate once this person whumped down in the booth one table down and right across the aisle from me. It was like having Medusa sitting there. You know you must not look, but, all the snakes are writhing and, well, there’s boobs. Even the most hideous, misshapen boobs have gravity for a man’s eyes – either from awe or awe. There is no stopping the look. Doctors and researchers have tried. The project has been relegated to the scientific scrap heap with the alchemical impossibility of transmuting lead into gold. It can’t be done.

So, I tried to ignore him/her, to focus on my meal with Herculean studiousness (I'd say "Perseusean," but I’m pretty sure that’s not a word), but even purposefully looking into my plate left those purplish pepperoni stars hovering in the skies of my peripheral universe much to the chagrin of my now desultory appetite.

Behold the beholder and be not afraid to call the beast a beast.
Behold the beholder and be not afraid to call the beast a beast.

I truly try not to judge people on superficial things, but, well, in the words of a great observer of humanity and personal idol of mine, Oscar Wilde, “It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.” The point is not to judge because this person was different externally, and quite possibly unique and wonderful to know… the point is to judge when judging is appropriate; the point is not to be blind.

In this instance, clarity of vision suggests that the decision to go braless and in that shirt to a family restaurant does, in fact, render said individual less unique and wonderful than I deem worthy of better treatment here in this body of words. I refuse to be blind, or blinded by what is the “right” thing to think and say.

So anyway, somehow stabbing myself in the eye with my glasses was the ironical beginnings of a day leading me meandering to this point about not being blind. Sometimes I think I’m the only one who sees the world the way I do. Maybe I am. They say “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” And, well, it's funny that the fantasy/mythological creature known as a "Beholder" is both monster and eye. Or maybe it isn't.

More by this Author


Comments 65 comments

Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

In a good mood, are we? Sounds like you had a very bad day!

Damn, but you got some excellent writing from the experience.

It's so great to see you back here, Shades! Hope everything is well and your eye is feeling better.


Paraglider profile image

Paraglider 7 years ago from Kyle, Scotland

Welcome back! I haven't even read it yet. I'll do that now, having said hi!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

Damn I've missed this! Are you gonna stick around a while, or was this just a tease?


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA

So...I kept waiting for it, but it never happened.  When did you stab yourself in the other eye so that you could finish eating your breakfast?

And I'm pretty sure I've seen that monster in WoW.


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here

Thought I had commented...this CRS is getting worse...excellent humor....count me a new fan.


Paraglider profile image

Paraglider 7 years ago from Kyle, Scotland

Brilliant - you've been sorely missed, mate! Now, I've got to do this:

Q. Why does Nicolas Sarkozy have one egg for breakfast?

A. Because one egg is un oeuf....


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 7 years ago from West Virginia

Funny!! I laughed all the way through this hub! WB Shadesbreath. I, for one, have missed you!


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here

Thats funny paraglider....double funny really..un Oeuf is french for 1 egg and it's pronounced liked the english enough.....brilliant. LOL


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Shades:  I echo the previously stated sentiment regarding your appearance on this fine Sunday, a day when I have NOT poked myself in the eye or had such a fine, nutritious breakfast.  You haven't lost it, I see.  Very funny!  More like a reflective journey of a philosopher than a "hey, this is funny" piece, but rife with the humorous observations of you - the Professor - as only the Professor can humorously observe. And Lauren is still doing amazing illustrations!

You are sorely missed around here, man.  Like to see you hangin' around more.  You'll start to have some free time this summer, yes?

As usual...Stellar!


Jerilee Wei profile image

Jerilee Wei 7 years ago from United States

Hate to be a broken record, but sure have missed you writing here, made my day as you always make me laugh.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Ok, dammit, I'm having internet issues (because of that NON dreary rain) and I just wrote nice long repsonses to Shirley and Para and B.T. and Spryte and R. Blue (thanks) and Lady G, all personal replies and sometimes funny (Spryte, you'll just have to laugh and assume it was funny about the eye and the beholder and a /raunchy thing)... but my stoopid internet won't work. THis probably wont go in either.. but, hey... I missed you guys too, and will be around more since the semester is about to end finally in two weeks. (I even have a Pepe Le Pew hub written that might not suck too much to put up).

Christoph, yep, you'll be saddled with my silliness once more, and, likely given your wit and thick skin, perhaps find yourself occasionally harassed again as opportunity arises.

Thanks, Jerilee, it's so very nice to hear. I had fun posting a hub again.

(If this doesn't post I'm going to scream).


pgrundy 7 years ago

Wow, I have SOOOO missed your hubs! Welcome back! I am with you totally on this one--We went to this nature preserve yesterday (I'm still getting used to this town so Bill wanted me to see how to drive there on my own) and it was a warm, beautiful day, and right across the street from this big park/preserve thing is this guy in his 50s or early 60s wearing shorts that don't quite cover his butt crack and not much else, mowing the lawn. Women well over 250 pounds in tube tops and bicycle shorts walking by the side of the road. And yet, I haven't worn a bathing suit in 8 years because I'm embarrassed. I wish more people were embarrassed. :)


dineane profile image

dineane 7 years ago from North Carolina

YAY! Shades is back! Loved the hub - I was gettin' hungry reading about those redneck breakfast choices, but now have enough of a picture in mind to ruin my appetite, too. Glad to see ya, Shades!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

Am I dreaming?? A Shadesbreath hub, and it's even more hearty and filling than those big ole 4 egg breakfasts! I sure wish that poking myself in the eyeball would make me write hubs like this. This was a riot! The transgenger-ish person with the boobs and the peek-a-boo top had me rolling!

Thank you! :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Hi PGrundy, ltns.  And it sounds like you moved into a nightmare land, like, some sort of reverse version of a Tim Burton flick.  I don't know why but your comment made me think of Cheetos.  Random, I realize, but, so now I want some.  Thanks.  (Oh, and I don't swim either less for my own embarassment than for the sheer horror on the faces of those who witness the unveiling of what mostly must seem the disrobing of a full moon supported by stilts of polar whiteness).  I wish they'd bring back those old 1800s bathing suits (For men or women over 160-70 lbs). 

Dineane: You said it.  That person sucked the joy of breffas' right out of me like an appetite vampire or something.  I still shudder when I allow myself the memory too visually.

And hiya, Pam.  Glad you laughed, and, well, as I recall your hubs hardly need an eye poke to be great.  I can't wait to catch up on the great stuff I've missed (yours and pretty much everyone who stopped by to say 'hi').  A real who's who of great writers popping in.


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

I don't think much of europeans either.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 7 years ago from California Gold Country

Hey Shadesbreath-- You've got a lot of catching up to do. Don't you know we have all gone through shadeswithdrawal in the past few months.  "Good hub", better than a poke in the eye.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Heya Goldentoad. Love the avatar; I have all those movies! And I actually like Europeans very well, just not the condescending ones. :)

And thanks, Rochelle. It's nice to have (or at least only a week or two from having) time to play more. I look forward to finding lots of gems to read from you... some more lawn gnomes and rodents in the underwear type stuff!


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 7 years ago from Australia

Hi Shades, welcome back.

When I saw a message about "new hub from shadesbreath" I thought I was dreaming. It's been a long time mate! Hope you get the time to come back a bit more.

I'm really disappointed at the cliffhanger you left us with on this hub. You left out the most important part:

re the 7 foot cutie - Did you score ???

cheers, Eric G.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

OMG, freaking gross, Eric. Dude. Seriously I would let fire ants have their way with me before that "7 foot cutie." And thanks, I'm happy to be able to play around with words again.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

C'mon Shades. We're all friends here. You can tell us the truth.


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

First of all I stopped by to say Hi. I hope your eye is ok now. Btw your comment about the aeroplane brought back to me a memory I have, when I boarded the plane here at Seattle this year I saw a really " healthy" lady and I thought surely she must be in the business class and when she turned towards the economy class I was stunned whether she could really squeeze in the seat. But apparently she did :D


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Well, BT, I suppose it would make for a great story if I had, just, well, not one for here. Perhaps I'll write it as fiction, or just tell it with all inuendo. That might be fun to do for a hub idea.

And Hiya's, Country. Nice to see you're still around too. Speaking of around, yeah, you get three corn-fed 'mericans sitting side by side by side in an airplane and we're talking a long, miserable stretch of airway, I can tell you.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

Speaking of inuendo, you may have some catching up to do! There was a double entendre epidemic that ran through hubpages like a wildfire. I think you missed out on that.


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

Shades taken aback!!!! Wow wish I'd seen that. Can't you just see shades one good eye bulging . Like Cyclops. lol

Welcome back mate.


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

Well I am still hanging around because guys like you keep us entertained here. Btw if all three "corn fed americans" are side by side I am sure the air hostess would relocate them or even offer them a business class seat (now I can't get that image out of my mind)...LOL


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 7 years ago from North America

Welcome back, and please post Pepe Le Pew asap. It is sure to be good, but this one is very funny and throught provoking.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA

CW! Corn-fed Americans!!!!? LOL! Damn...now I wish we had some Fritos in the house. Any luck on those cheetohs, Shade?

And...hmmm...Eric, y'know...maybe "breakfast" is a code word for something else. He did say he ordered pork chops....


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

well you must have poked that eye really bad to be gone so long my dear...and maybe it fooled you into beleiving that he/she was so ugly and big? Or maybe were you feeling badly about something, or having problems we don't know about.Anyway was a good read and welcome back :O) Hugs


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Wow, Shades, I was so excited to see you were back. I do hope you plan to stay for a good while now. To say you have been missed is an understatement, and many comments have been made as to your absence. Great hub, and as usual had me in fits of laughter :)


Jewels profile image

Jewels 7 years ago from Australia

Gosh he's back. And what an eyefull he gives. Such a visually entertaining piece. You had me laughing, and feeling joyous that the big fella is back in all his glory. Cyber hug for you friend.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

B.T. any chance all or most of the funny ones are attached to a few fun thread strands or did I miss something more in the nature of an mini-era? (I'm thinking the latter, but hoping for a few prime links)

And Agvulpes, dude, if you'd seen it, you too, despite your accepting, funny, laid-back and comfy-with-the-world-at-large sort of ways... well, you'd have had that same "Woah, dude!" moment too. Impossible not to. Great to see you again!

And Country, if I thought there was a chance I'd get free upgrades, I'd start eating six egg breffas' every day just to get big enough to qualify! (Or, maybe not. lol. Someone would write a hub about the great caucasian mastadon that trundled into business class and encompassed the chamber with volumnity or something.

Hi Patty! I'm working on the Le Pew thing. Still deciding if it's good enough. But, yeah. Probably will. I actually have three or so other ones I wrote over the last few months but never went back and reread a second time. I suppose I should.

Spryte: Negative on the cheetos. I'm very sad. And, uh.. HEY, thtop thtarting rumors, thilly girl.

G-ma Johnson, if you had any idea the problems I have that you don't know about, you'd probably send the guys in white jackets to my house. Best we keep them my little secret. I'm not sure they'd let me have a laptop in my padded cell. (And thanks for the warm welcome back. /hug.)

Misty, you appear to have been grafted onto Gwendy's body. Shall I expect to find her head mounted upon yours? And, yes, I have to say, the warm welcome I've gotten here is balm for the ego for sure. This is a great community, I have to say. I knew it was, but sometimes the light shines very bright and warm. :)

Hi Jewels! /hug back at you. :) And, I'm glad you enjoyed the "eyeful" and hope I could convey at least half of it to you guys. It was truly a visual experience. heh heh.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

Shades, I am so glad to have you back! I've missed you terribly and after reading this I remember why I have missed you so much. I laughed so hard, I think I have seen that he/she with the sheer yellow shirt at a dining establishment before. Hmmm, now I wonder if it is some kind of conspiracy. Was it an all you can eat buffet style breakfast? He/she could have been hired to quell your appetite and that of others to save a few bucks on their food bill. Well anyway, thanks for the laugh this morning, I hope to read more from you soon, I've been having withdrawls and I'm glad your back.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Hey, I don't wear a bra over weekends, maybe it was me!


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

Great writing....gave me grins! Thanks! :)


smoke juice 7 years ago

I would not have been a bit surprised had you told us you stabbed yourself in the eye AFTER seeing the Great Breasted Beast. Perhaps "IT" was an homage to Bob (Meatloaf with moobs) in Fightclub.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Gwendy, you could be a manager of a Hometown Buffet with that astute cost control suggestion. That sooooooooooo gives me an idea for a short story character. Wow. I'm stealing that unless you claim the rights back right now. And I am very happy to see you are still capering about adding grace and warmth to hubs. You and Misty have a whole hawtness twins thing going with your similar avatars. I approve. :D

Cindyvine, assuming that avatar picture is you, you and a team of Hollywood make-up artists would have to spend 3 days and about 3,000 bucks to convert the fun-loving face I see there next to your name into that fleshy golem I saw Sunday. Unlikely, that's all I can say. But, one never can be sure, I suppose. I'll be watching you more carfully.

You obviously have amazing taste when it comes to evaluating writing, Tom. Thanks.

It was tempting, Smoke Juice. I considered stabbing myself in the other eye, but given my luck to that point in the day (and my aim), I likely would have stabbed myself elsewhere. So, ... yeah.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

LOL Shades, no, that is definitely my body, but now you mention it I looked again and realised it does look rather like Gwendy's, which in my book is a big compliment :)


rongould profile image

rongould 7 years ago

Too funny! I had an encounter somewhat like that a year or so ago, but I was in the men's restroom at a decorating center where my wife and I had been looking at kitchen sinks, etc. when this person came through wearing a too-tight top (it would have been snug on my nine-year-old niece and this person was well over six-feet tall) and high heels. I just zipped it up and left the restroom. I wasn't sure who or what it was and didn't want to stick around long enough to find out. It is scary tho think that there is more than one...


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

So sorry about the eye. Me too. I hate wearing glasses in the rain, it sucks. those TV people are just idiots anymore, I don't watch them at all. I've witnessed the same BS here with their lame interjections and opines.

On another note, I love good ol' American Cooking and a hearty breakfast is what I love, always have.

I have heard for some time now how your fans have missed you, hope ya stick around now so I can read some more good stuff by you. This was a well written hub and I really enjoyed it. I would've gotten up from that table myself and left without paying.


nazishnasim 7 years ago

Shades,

My idol is your idol ... so that makes you a ... peer? Anyway, great hub, really enjoyed the humor , can't say I missed you coz neve knew you but can say good to know you and you got a new fan!


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

Shades, you can have any idea I got or you get from me, but I do have to warn you that I have a strict no return or refund policy. Hmm, maybe I should make a career move to hometown buffet manager. Nah, I don't think they would like me bringing my dogs to work with me.

I have to use your hub to address Misty, Thanks you are a real sweetheart and I feel the same. It's a real compliment to be compared to you also. I like the whole hawtness twins thing, you hawty you!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Misty: It is.

Rongould: Wouldn't that have been weird if he sidled up next to you and started talking about spigots, eyes flickering down, accidentally of course, every so often, and a wry happy smile on his face as he batted his eye lashes dreamily at you discussing drips and other kitchen irritants?

C.C. Riter, thanks for the kind words. And it didn't really occur to me to get up and leave, but, I was just kind of in this state of apoplexy that anyone could be so either A) unaware, or B) unconcerned. I mean, if she had been super hawt and, well, actually female, obviously THAT would be acceptable, but we have to have aesthetic standards when it comes to who we allow to reveal boobs and who we don't in our breakfast establishments.

Nazishnasim: Well, if you have that good of taste in writers, then I can only say I look forward to perusing your hubs. A week and a half and my time is mine again, once more free to stalk the corridors of Hubpages and harass people wherever possible.

Hi Gwendy! You and Misty should write a hub about showering or hot tubbing or something. You know, just sort of a "How to" thing, you know. A team effort, mabey work in some photos or something. Discrete, obviously, as I would never condone inappropriatness (<---- either not a word or spelled wrong, but I have to go to work now, so, sadly, it stays.)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

LOL, this is just like old times :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Perhaps, but I'm still waiting for the hub.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

I'll try to dig up some links for you. I know Cindy and I each did a couple of double entendres, but there were quite a few more by others.



Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Hey, a place to start at least. Thanks.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 7 years ago from Australia

@ BT: I'm gunna revive that genre soon with a hub about Blondepoet's gigantic jugs. Don't tell her!

@ Shades,

You could also check out the latest tricks of Chi-Chi Chamois.

I'm sure you remember her!

http://hubpages.com/literature/The-Captain-and-Chi...

No prizes for guessing the true identity of the Captain :-)

And there's a few gals on that pirate boat whose antics will make you blush!

p.S. Thanks for the comment on my hub - I'm doing exactly what you suggested :-)


Misha profile image

Misha 7 years ago from DC Area

Hey, glad to see you back Shades :) And thank you for the giggles :P


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Gag! Looks like it's time to change the sign from "No shirt, no shoes, no service" to "No soggy B-cups no service." *shiver*

I'm totally with you on the anchormorons (good one!) whining about rain deal. It's not like you have to shovel it, for God's sake. Never will understand how people can prefer 10 months of unrelenting sunshine.

It's good to see you back here on HP, Shadesbreath. I think you'll enjoy some of the wild new talent that's joined recently:-) MM


Janetta 7 years ago

hahahaha...thanks for the laugh--"eating my eggs and swine breakfast, a pair of benippled gourds" loved it :D


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

I have so much catching up to do, Eric.  But I will, thanks for the point.  And don't leave, man.  You'd leave too big a vacuum.

Hey, Misha.  Glad you're still here too.  All the familiar faces still kickin' it around here makes the months I was gone seem shorter and shorter.  It's still "home" sort of thing... well, except that Gwendy or Spryte or Misty didn't have dinner waiting when I got back, so... well, ok, never mind, I guess that's exactly the same too.  We'll have to work on that.

Mighty Mom!!!!  And, I'll tell you, I have no over-arching opposition to B-cups or even soggy B-cups as a general rule.  BUt, well, on a man, that tall, well, I have to make an exception.  Overall, I'll take an actual B-cup, soggy or not, over.... like, nothing or ... or... Internet porn (not that I would ever look at Internet porn because that would be wrong, so, obviously I wouldn't... I've only heard about that... oh, and, also obviously I am getting so much all the time that I wouldn't have any need for Internet porn anyway, obviously, etc.)... but, yeah.    What were we talking about?

Hi Janetta, thanks for appreciating my new word.  I am sure that 50 years from now the OED will have an entry for it now that the seed is planted.  On a side note and totally random, I just read some unpublished Jane Austen works like two days ago in which a character named Janetta appeared, thus making your appearance the second time in two days (and perhaps ever) that I've encountered the appellation.  Not sure if that's some sort of universe speaking to me thing or just a sign that I've had exactly enough beer at this point to warrant consideration of bed. (for me, obviously, going to bed by myself--not hitting on you.  That would be wrong and I don't do stuff like that if there's any chance of getting caught.)


Janetta 7 years ago

LOL shadesbreath--thanks for the second giggle--I think you were right on with your first instinct--It's a sign-oooooo,weeee,oooo-(that was me trying to make a paranormalish sound) Not sure of what its alluding to, just know that its a sign. Not a sign of drinking too much beer, but a universal sign or a sign from God or...aw screw it. Its just a coincidence :D


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Good. Least we got that cleared up.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Hee Hee, thanks for the plugs B.T., but you forgot to tell Shades about:

http://hubpages.com/hub/My-Husbands-Slag

and

http://hubpages.com/hub/Wet-Pussy-Gallery

both of which I am sure he will enjoy too. :)


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

I guess I didn't want to overwhelm him with sexual inuendo. He's been away for a while. He should start slow, you know?


tdarby profile image

tdarby 7 years ago

that was great--freaking fantastic! Thanks.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

You're welcome, and thanks for saying so. :)


Aya_Hajime profile image

Aya_Hajime 7 years ago

Hilarious Shades. Talking about poking your eye, I used to do that on a regular basis since I wore contact lenses :) Now I am just doing glasses although I am considering Lasik. The idea of having lasers cut at my eye does fill me with a certain amount of concern though - probably more like fear :D

It's good to be a behemoth - then you can pretty much do whatever you like and nobody who values their life will say anything to you :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

I'm so with you on that laser thing. Just my luck I get the Dr. on a bad hang-over day and he fries my retina, or worse, shoots his laser right through the back of my head, through the chair... through everything like that laser in the movie Real Genius back in the day (I date myself there, but that was an awesome movie and had Val Kilmmer when he was really coming into himself as a great actor).

And a big "true that" on the behemoth thing and silence. I damn sure wouldn't say anything to that monster. The humiliation of taking a thrashing ... god, someone would get it on their phone vid too, lord... however, it would be hilarious to watch for the rest of the world I guess.

Thanks for stopping by.


acer laptop 7 years ago

Great Hub you have here :) Please check out my website would love to network!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Gee thanks Acer. You are so kind to say so. I am touched to the cockles of my heart that you enjoyed my fine hub. I was curious as to what elements of it made you think that we would make good networking partners, do get back to me and let me know... just so I have that little extra impetus to want to go check your stuff out. Thanks for the careful read though, really.


Millifan profile image

Millifan 7 years ago from UK

Excellent, love this hub, thank you for making me giggle.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Millifan, you're quite welcome for the giggle, and thanks for doing so. Attempts to make people giggle that go un-gigglated are no laughing matter, so I am grateful you took the time to let me know.

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