A Terrible New World Order Dilemma I Am Having With My Wife
The year is 2050 or thereabout! Are you with me?
Human beings are now machines, completely automated. We can now reason 3-dimensionally and think in binary ones and zeros with the speed of light just like high speed computers and if your brain ever tries to malfunction, you can easily go for an upgrade either by buying another memory bank or even increasing your own gig-capacity assuming you don’t like what you already have.
Payments for such hi-tech gadgets have even become easier than you can ever imagine. Who needs money these days to make such payments anyway? Everything is now cashless and completely automated. We are the money.
And we are the product too...
All you need to do is to have your own microchip installed right under your skin and bingo you can start downloading the latest version of your new brain upgrade from the numerous computers that are inter-connected in clusters under the system of cloud computing.
So I started having this problem with my wife. I will let you in on what the problem is later or maybe you may find out for yourself or who knows maybe you even know already? Whatever!
She started complaining about this very one thing. You may call it nagging but I don’t know how she can do that. Since when did computers start to nag about such things especially in this manner?
Oh sorry, I thought it was still the year 2008… so as I was saying, the problem with this very nagging of hers is that it was beginning to drive me nuts pushing me to my wits end because I don’t know what else to invent just to calm her down and if care is not taken, I will soon snap…no I just remembered, we machines we don’t snap; we crash! It is the new world order in case you have forgotten.
Quickly I brought out the remote control and pressed the volume decrease button to reduce her decibel level.
Maybe she was now anticipating my every move or something like that because I just discovered that the remote failed to respond. What could be the reason?
I checked again and I discovered that the batteries have been taken out of the remote and they were now lying on the dining table where she or the kid must have kept them. But the kid is not around so that means it was her!
Damn! Maybe it’s high time I switch to that universal solar remote controllers that are now advertised constantly on BNN only that I don’t like to believe everything I see on that news channel…
Anyway where was I?
I was saying that I wanted to reduce the wife's volume because I can’t stand her nagging any longer. To tell you the truth, I was already seriously contemplating switching her brain processor speed to something lesser but that would be like penny wise pound foolish.
During the last year’s Valentine’s Day celebration, I made a regrettable mistake of spending so much in placing the order for that very processor I had just installed in her. Don’t blame me, then I just wanted to accelerate her love rate for me but that is exactly what is causing all these problems for me now.
I really wanted to concentrate maximally so that we could finish this very important project of making Antarctica finally habitable for people before the next nuclear leak so as to avoid the nuclear calamity that will happen in Fukushima, Japan sometime in March 2011…something connected to tsunamis and earthquakes. And we were already running behind schedule…
To make sure that we work with zero disturbance, all the members of the team working on the project had unanimously agreed to send our kids to stay with their virtual grannies. I had only one kid so it wasn’t so hard or expensive for me sign it up for one affiliate program with one-time payment on…what is that funny name again? Yes…on Clackbank.com or something like that.
We were supposed to do the same to the wives too but I told my team that my wife needed some little and sensitive attention from me. I had my reasons and I thought they would understand but clearly they didn’t.
Maybe they saw it in my eyes, maybe they read my body language as they scanned my face with their electronic digital eye which also serves as a multipurpose scanners too, decoded the symptoms from the algorithm derived from the graph of their complex Fourier series analysis and they immediately identified that I had an ulterior motive but when they wanted to find out if I was for real and possibly stop me before I bungle the entire Project Antarctica, I knew I had to quickly outwit them.
I knew then that I must do something that will make it very impossible for them to separate me from her.
I quickly rushed home, brought out and immediately installed that processor together with the beta version of the latest Trojan horse destroyer into her system that very night.
My plan was to make her resonate in a simple harmonic motion with mine such that anywhere I go she goes. This will actually force the team to allow the two of us to be together all the time but things didn’t exactly work out the way I planned.
I noticed she started singing in a funny tone I haven’t heard before during the whole installation process and I must confess; at first I loved the whole thing too. She was like a new person. She seemed to like this very installation that very night which made me to start wondering if I was really doing everything right before.
That was the beginning of my problems…
I couldn’t cope with her demands. We were now in tandem but it was much more than I actually imagined. I tried all the computational techniques and methods I ever knew, ever tried and even downloaded to slow things down but the more I tried the more things continued to get out of hands.
So, I decided to run the analytics program I was developing with Pava++ in her system. I didn’t care again if the software program still had any unfixed bugs or not. I just had to know if I had committed an irreversible blunder.
You will not understand especially if have never married before but I really needed to know what was actually the reason why she was acting like that. One thing you should know I hate in women is feigning…of anything actually!
The result came out and it showed that there was nothing wrong with her system. So does that mean I am now the problem?
Did I use the wrong version of the Trojan horse destroyer? How can…it’s not (yet) possible to switch that kind of thing? I became more afraid thereby making my electronic heartbeat to flip-flop and accelerate instantaneously without any pulse width modulation. If I fail to do something drastic now, I will never succeed with my lifelong dream which is to make sure that the first oil exploration that will ever be done in Antarctica be coordinated by me and look what is happening now?
Oh you thought I really wanted to live there! God forbid! My dear friend, it’s all about the money and fame and nothing else!
Wait a minute…I think I just discovered my mistake. There is a very simple way out. All I had to do was to put her into hibernation. It is the best way out…for now. It would have been better if I decided to entirely shut her down but the truth is that inasmuch as I hate this her increased rate of nagging, I really liked why and what she was nagging about had it been another time.
The only problem was that I can’t handle both her nagging needs,( you should know what I mean by now), and working hard towards my lifelong ambition at the same time. Nah! I am not all that hard-wired to multi-task.
Don’t be too sorry for me because I know I brought it upon myself. My initial plan was to personalize her to become so much user-friendly to me alone. Even with all my expertise in humanoid software development, I never knew her processor speed could overshoot and start producing this type of malicious outcome.
Problem now is that it's like I will need more hands now to calm her nerves down…something I never anticipated, in fact, something I will so much love to hate to even anticipate!How was I to know that this very new microprocessor was going to accelerate her horny mood state to this very high level?
But the truth is that I don’t think this hibernation will last for so long because it is not doing me all that good.
I had to tell some of the members of my team what was going on with me because I needed some solutions fast. Some of them made some useful suggestions; some, useless suggestions to me, though.
One of them with a shining bald head and an all-seeing eye in the middle of his forehead mentioned something about charging her to about 30 -50% such that she will only be half-alive…or was it half-life he actually said? I said I will consider it.
Another suggested I should remove her battery entirely. I said I didn’t want it that way because I don’t know if she had alternate power to reboot like that terminator guy in Terminator II. In fact, removing her battery entirely would be similar to e-divorcing her and I know that I don’t have time to run that type of uninstallation program.
You just have to understand my fears.
The last time I removed the battery from my electronic dog, the poor thing lost all its CMOS-powered precise-timing capabilities and when the thing was eventually replaced and re-installed, I noticed the dog was no longer able to bark. Instead of barking, it now laughs which made me to quickly e-mail it back to the national virtual dog farm center never to be returned. I wasn’t prepared for type of shock again.
What if after my wife’s battery is taken out and when it is re-installed, I shockingly discovered she could no longer nag me for it at all? You now understand my desperation huh?
So, I expressed my fears to this fellow. A smile came up on his imp face and he told me that it doesn’t matter because even if she dies in the process I can still have another better option.
Which is? Cloning her of course…as many times as I want after all it is the new world order!
Therein lies my biggest problem. If I eventually clone her, do you ever think I wouldn’t notice the difference…in the nagging, most especially?
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