My Perfect Day

So Happy Veteran's Day ya'll. I bet a lot of you lucky son of a bitches got off from work today right? Spendin' some time with the family, have a fiesta in bed with the misses, maybe go shopping like a bunch of middle classed pricks who fight over the parking space closest to the stores entrance. Fat mules.

Or maybe today on your day off, you will just putz around on the Internet looking for your favorite porn video that you should have bookmarked, yet you didn't, and now your Willy is pissed at you for not bookmarking it and he refuses to rise. So waste away your one free day.

Me...?

Sigh.

I'm at work.

Or something like that.

I don't usually get holidays off like the rest of the world, and even if I do get off, I spend it sleeping, and before I know it the goddamn day off is over, and I'm ready to go to bed again.

My only refuge from such a sour routine is a good dream. Usually though when the dream is about to get really good, like so good that even I can't wait to see what happens, the alarm goes off.

The worst type of dream is the ones where you spent it at work. I've had those dreams quite often. I'll be at work working...and suddenly the alarm goes off, and then I have to go to work after I just put 6 hours in, in my dreams. There should be some sort of overtime rule when shit like that happens. On those days I wake up and literately want to cry. Sob and heave like a little bitch.

My significant other got off today. I cursed him for this freedom though, so his day will probably suck like mine.

When I get home today I planned on putting up Christmas lights, but I know that they are twined into a giant ball in the attic somewhere.

I think it's funny though, every year we will buy new lights, special LED bright ones, ones shaped like stars, or giant beautiful icicles. We will spend a heap of money on these yearly delights, and we will place them up on the outside of the house with delicate care and admiration. Yet as soon as the snow thaws out, and the weather is nice, we go outside and rip them all down as if they were the biggest annoyances in our lives. They get shoved brutally into a box and chucked into the attic.

The following year when we retrieve the abused box of lights, half of them are broken. The cycle is never ending.

Anyway, he is off farting around, doing a whole lot of nothing today I am sure.

Me though, I got to wake up this morning to my alarm to remind me that I have to go to work. I rush upstairs, plop on some makeup while still half asleep. A little cover up here, a dash of blush there, and some eyeliner here... there, there... good enough.

Next I go back downstairs, tiptoeing ever so lightly so I don't wake the beast. He's already awake though. His big ass is laying in bed watching cartoons, and savoring every second of his precious day off. He looks so warm and snug, blankies all bundled up...while I stand there naked, freezing, and ripping clothes onto my goose-bump infested body.

"Have a good day baby" he says.

I smile. But the evil demonic alter ego of mine is wishing that the power goes out as soon as I leave. That way he freezes, and misses those lovely cartoons. Then I think to myself that the 'Fat bastard should put up the goddamn Christmas lights!'

When I come home I'm also expecting dinner on the table. I know there is a fat chance in hell this would happen.

So while I sit here at work, bitter and moody, let me day dream about my perfect day off shall I?

It would go like this:

I wake up to my alarm, and turn on the TV to check the weather like I always do. Suddenly the weather forecast is interrupted with some fantastic breaking news. A giant meteor fell from the sky on top of my office. There were no survivors.

I click the TV off, and go back to sleep.

I wake up at around 11 am to the delightful smell of freshly brewing coffee, and eggs!

My significant other walks into the bedroom with a giant smile on his face, and he is wearing an apron, with a cute Spongebob at the Krusty Krab theme on it.

In his hands he is carrying a large sterling silver platter with my breakfast on it. Sunny side up eggs, 2 slices of toast, a cup of freshly squeezed orange juice and a cup of coffee made up to my liking.

I sit up in bed, and he sits watching me in admiration as I munch away on my perfect breakfast, on my perfect day off.

Next I go upstairs and there is no dog poop on the floor, and it is snowing out.

I step outside to take in the fresh winter air, and realize that the entire house is lit up with beautiful, beautiful twinkling Christmas lights. Suddenly I see a shooting star, I make a wish for every day to be like this. As I sit there admiring the lights, a group of children walk up to me in the snow and they begin to sing that Perfect song from Smashing Pumpkins, which I totally loved when I was a teenager.

I am now in such a good mood, I decide to go shopping...and would you look at that!? A miracle sitting right in front of me! My driveway is freshly plowed to perfection, and my cars engine is running so that way when I get in, it's toasty warm. Just the way I like it.

I get dressed, and step out to my car. Suddenly from nowhere a $100 bill falls on to my face from the skies. Followed by another one, and another one, and another one. It's raining Ben Franklin's and diamonds are coating the already beautiful blazing horizon of snow; only in my yard of course! Glorious perfect day.

I get into my car, and it's the perfect temperature. I drive to my favorite mall, and there is not another soul on the road. My road trip was perfectly uninterrupted from point A to point B.

I get to the mall, and they have a special parking slot reserved just for me. It even has my name on it, written in big bold beautiful blinking pink lights. There honestly though was no need for this, because there is not another living soul in the parking lot. I naturally take my perfect custom parking slot.

Suddenly a mall worker wearing a jester suit and a giant genuine smile runs out from the mall towards me. Each step I hear the sound of mini Christmas bells clanging together. Lovely! He opens my door for me. As I step out of my car, 4 other workers dressed like him, quickly run a giant fluffy red carpet from my car to the entrance. I step on the carpet, and walk my way into the mall.

There is not a single annoying shopper in sight, nothing but delightful mall workers dressed like elves and ballerinas. The elves shine my shoes as I walk, and the ballerinas dance as they lightly sing a song that was custom made for me. Yes, the song even has my name in it.

I smile, and go about my business. Turns out the mall is having an 'everything is free' sale.

God, I nearly pass out as I make my way slowly through the mall taking everything and anything my heart desires. The best thing about the 'everything is free'sale, is that the elves and ballerinas will carry all of my belongings back to my car. A 'free delivery truck' service is also available if I over-shop and can't fit everything in my car.

As I make my way back to my car to head home, all of the jesters, elves and ballerinas run along side me, and wave me off as they blow me kisses. Kisses I can actually see floating through the air, like on cartoons. Fantastic.

I get home, and everything I just bought is already in my home, set exactly where I would want it.

The house has an aroma of turkey. I come into the kitchen to see a giant Thanksgiving feast set up on the table for me. My significant other patiently awaits in his chair for me. I make my way over to him, and give him a big kiss. I look at my chair, it is no longer an ordinary chair. Its been transformed into a gigantic gold throne, with cherub angels carved into the sides. As I sit down, the chair magically lets out a relieved 'ah' sound, and it lights up of course.

I feast, and make my way to bed. The bed however is a giant cloud. I go to sleep and my perfect day is ruined by this nightmare I have.

In my nightmare, I'm looking outside of an office window at a bunch of people who are shopping and smiling -because they got off from work today.

More by this Author

  • A Fun Fart Guide
    6

    This was one of my favorite fart guides. I published this originally on Epinions, and AC soon after, it is 100% my content.. People who have read this one have always found it to be fun, so I decided to share it with my...

  • What To Do If You See a Barracuda In The Water
    2

    On a recent trip to Grand Bahama Island I saw all types of gnarly looking tropical fish. Each day I saw something new, and each day I became more and more mesmerized by all of the wonderful and beautiful fish that...

  • I Dreamt I Was Peeing, and Then I Peed in My Bed
    196

    Have you ever woken up from sleep having wet the bed? You are not alone.


Comments 8 comments

Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 6 years ago from Near the Ocean

Damn I should have read this yesterday, then we could have suffered together! Thank you for the big cheesey smile today though ;D


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 6 years ago from Earth Author

haha. I wanted off so badly. You have no idea, I was so mad and bitter, and pissed. lol


Jess Killmenow profile image

Jess Killmenow 6 years ago from Nowheresville, Eastern United States

LOL - the meteor hitting to office. Love it.


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 6 years ago from Earth Author

haha. Glad you stopped in Jess. Dont we all wish for the meteor once in awhile?


Adam B 6 years ago

The sun came up and smiled at me...

...said it's gonna be a good one just wait and see...

jump out of bed and I went outside...feeling so...

...exstatified...

IT'S THE BEST DAY EEEEVVVVERRRRRRRR!!!!

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 6 years ago from Earth Author

lol. OMG. You picked up on my Spongebob refrence! ahaha. I didnt think anyone would ever think of that episode. Great minds think alike. hahaa. I have to see this episode again now!


Adam B 6 years ago

I am a fan of that episode...obviously since I know the words to that song. My favorite episode however is "Sailer Mouth" Hellarious!

Spongebob for President


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

If I had a dream like that, I'd be waiting for the hammer to fall. I used to have nightmares about a previous job of mine that I held for 7 years. Always a slightly altered version of the same dream, in which I am screwing up royally--through no fault of my own--and everyone is pissed at me and blaming me for their screw ups. I haven't worked there in 10 years and eventually the dreams began to fade away, but on occasion, I still have them. Had it 3 weeks ago. Damn! Can't I get away?

"Everything is free" sale. LOL

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working