Amoeba Farms and Other Great Pet Ideas

Stop Killing Helpless Animals and Have Fun Too!

Tired of dead fish bobbing belly up in your kid's fish tank? The little moment of humming "Taps" or mumbling the Lord's Prayer before the final flush? And how many parakeets do you have you buried in your back yard? Two, three? Five? Ever buried a hamster or a rat? I bet your back yard looks like a mini pet Arlington with little tombstones everywhere. And those are just the dead ones that you found. The snake and tarantula both got away didn't they? Yeah. You're still waiting to find those. But you did find the ants, though, didn't you? The ones that got out after the ant farm got broken last year. That was nice. Terminix says they're still looking for the queen.

So what's a parent to do? You want to teach your kids responsibility, but you really don't want any more innocent animals to die. It's bad enough those poor bastards are destined to live their entire lives in a tiny little cage or box, but the whole death by starvation, neglect or... well, brutal curiosity is just too much. So again I ask, "What's a parent to do?"

What family doesn't have one of these set up in their garden somewhere?
What family doesn't have one of these set up in their garden somewhere?

Well as a long time parent and self proclaimed genius, I have derived the answer to that question and can tell you truthfully that I have devised the perfect pets for you and your family. Some of these pets are for little kids, some for the older ones, but all these pets are simple and easy to have. They're easy to take care of, cheap to keep, and you'll never find them dead. In addition, these pets will never require expensive bags of food, fancy cages with lots of accessories required, and, best of all, THERE ARE NO VET BILLS ever. That's right, none of these pets will ever need shots, check ups or their broken limbs put into a cast. None of that stuff, ever! And even better yet, these pets are absolutely free!

So, without further ado, let the list begin. Welcome to my list of the five best pet ideas for kids.

Amoeba Farm
Amoeba Farm

1. Amoeba Farm

That's right, an Amoeba Farm. What could be more fun than owning your own protozoa? Imagine, the most primitive creature on earth, a fierce predator mind you, and yet held in check by the power of your kids. Just look at how much fun they are to watch at play:

Amoeba fun for you!

More Amoeba Fun: Kid Games!

I could watch that all day!

And not only does your Amoeba Farm provide hours of entertainment as your kids just stare into the glass, your pet amoebas will even inspire your kids to physical activity and creative game play of their own. Watch the video to the right as these boys have some great amoeba fun!

The best part about an Amoeba Farm is that it's completely free. You already have everything you need right there in your home. All you require is the following:

  • A clear glass
  • Water (from a pond or puddle is best, but tap water will work eventually)
  • The ability to stretch the truth a bit

That's it.

Fancy Amoeba Farm
Fancy Amoeba Farm
Redneck Amoeba Farm
Redneck Amoeba Farm

Instructions: All you have to do is fill the glass with water and let your kids have their fun. (You can make a fancy Amoeba Farm if you want too by replacing the regular glass with a fluted or wine glass. Or grow redneck Amoebas in a beer mug or empty jar. It's your pet, you make the rules!!!)

Some kids will complain that they "can't see anything" sometimes. Just tell them they aren't looking hard enough. I mean you and I both know they're some protozoa in there, so, it's not like you're lying when you swear the pets are there. You might even have to bend down and gaze into the glass and say, "Yep, there's one," and point. (Don't give me any of that "but that's a lie" crap either. You perpetrated the Santa Claus, Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy thing. I ain't buying your need for honesty now.) If you have no imagination at all, or if you are just a horrible liar, then go buy a microscope and prove protests of "there's nothing there" as wrong. In fact, if you go that route, you will set up this next pet idea perfectly.

Aren't they cute!
Aren't they cute!
Who doesn't like games of atrocity?
Who doesn't like games of atrocity?

2. Plate of Botulism

This is probably my favorite pet idea of them all. A plate of botulism is particularly easy to do. All you need to make your kids their very own is:

  • A plate, dish or pan
  • A slab of meat (fish is great for this, but you can use asparagus or wet garlic if you are opposed to using meat)
  • A nice warm place for your new pets to thrive

Instructions: Place your slab of meat on your plate and put the plate in a nice warm place. Any counter top will do, but if you put it under a light it's even better. In many cases, you're pet botulism will appear within hours. Imagine owning your very own deadly bacterium. Your kids can play games around their botulism just as they did with their Amoeba Farm. In fact, better than the farmer or biologist games they might play with an amoeba, Plate of Botulism allows your kids to play bio-terrorist games as well. Just think, your kids can play games that teach them unscrupulous warfare techniques and how to cause unspeakable suffering. Why, if they play often enough, they could even develop the political skills needed to become a US President, Chinese Premier or Russian Prime Minister. What more could you ask from a child's pet?

Full-sized Condor
Full-sized Condor

3. The Miniature Condor (also known as the Camouflaged Condor)

For some kids the tiny pets above just aren't good enough. If they can't see the animals easily, some kids just aren't satisfied. So item number three is an easy one for families with kids like that.

Discovered in the early 1990s by a French explorer by the name of Dr. Taurus Merde, the Miniature Condor is an amazing creature that has proven once more the fantastic variety and cleverness of evolution at its best. Whether you believe evolution just happens or was set into motion by a loving God, the simple truth is no camouflage since the chameleon and the walking stick has ever proven as fantastic as is this tiny bird's.

For years this creature was known simply as the "house fly" but nothing could be further from the truth. The Miniature Condor, as the numbers of its ancestors (the Californian and Andean Condor) began to diminish, was a species come about from necessity and natural selection. Particularly in California, the species was near extinction and, as their numbers increased, the smaller of these majestic birds began to try to blend in with flocks of other birds, eschewing their friends and family in favor of safety and security. At first they hung out with vultures (a terrible blow socially) and then with crows and blackbirds for a time. Frequently they were accused of over eating and took a great deal of harassment for their size. But they stuck it out and eventually they began to blend in, their bodies growing smaller with each successive generation that went by. Until, eventually -- their once great beauty warped some by the humiliation of what they had had to endure -- they came to resemble the creatures they are today: a perfect camouflage to blend with the last "flock" of birds they chose to blend into, the common fly.

The truth is, there is no such thing as a "house fly." There are flies that land on poo and carcasses and there are Miniature Condors. Frankly, you have to be an entomologist or an ornithologist to spot the difference now.

How good are you?

If you think I'm exaggerating, see if you can tell which is which? Take a closer look at that photograph above and then the video on the right. One is a fly, an insect, and one is a Camouflaged Condor, a bird. Let's see what kind of naturalist you would make. Look at them both carefully and see if you can figure out which is which.

Well...?

If you guessed that the video "fly" was the Miniature Condor, you were correct: if that was an actual "fly" it would have been eating a chunk of poo not a chunk of sugar.

Anyway, as you can clearly see, the Miniature Condor makes a great pet for kids and it doesn't require that you lock the poor thing up in a tiny little cage. Like your cat or your dog, the miniature condor can have the roam of your house and, unlike dogs and cats, your Miniature Condor does not have to be potty trained. In fact, you may notice your dogs and/or cats will even learn to love your Miniature Condor and will play fun hunting games with them all the time. Miniature Condors are a blast. Get one. Get four or five. They're great.

4. Cobs

The cob is an elusive creature who has been around for centuries. Most people have wild cobs in their home but kill them mercilessly. Well, it is my mission to tell you that there really is no need. You can solve your pet problems and save your conscience too. "Kill two birds with one stone," as the saying goes. Plus, you can spare yourself all that tedious reaching and stretching to get rid of the evidence of your cobs, and you can give your children the joy of living in an amazing natural habitat.

Nobody has ever seen an adult cob in action before, but clearly they are out there. If you housewife types could just refrain from wiping out your homes long enough, science might someday get one recorded in a video. For now, photographic evidence will have to do.

Evidence of cobs.
Evidence of cobs.
Mmm, it's yummy and spawns fun pets.
Mmm, it's yummy and spawns fun pets.

All you need to get started on making your home into a natural cob habitat is one good barbeque. It doesn't matter what you serve at this meal, just be sure you make some ears of corn. Have your kids eat some, even if they wear braces. Your orthodontist has to fix them for free just so long as you tell them that "Little Susie's wires just popped right out." (Sometimes you have to tell little white lies in the name of spawning cobs - or cobbing as it's called in the UK.)

Anyway, make sure everyone eats their corn all the way down and then just throw it all away. The miracle of nature will happen and the cobs do their cocooning process secretly in the garbage can. The adult cobs, obviously transformed and free of the remnants of the corn, will do their cobby thing and, soon you'll see the evidence of their activities in a corner of your home. It's an amazing spectacle and a miracle to behold. Just sit back and watch their little cob home flutter majestically in the breeze of an open window or ceiling fan. Your kids will learn the miracle of life and become catalysts in this great transformation from corn to amazing pet. The cob, it's not just for dinner anymore, it is your friend.

Poor Moby...

5. Microscopic Moby Dick

Similar to the miniature condor, the Microscopic Whale or Microscopic Moby Dick is a much smaller version of a once very large creature. Most people have heard the story of "Jonas and the Whale," wherein Jonas was sacrificed to the sea to save his shipmates and spent a long weekend in the stomach of a whale. He spent the whole time hanging out and asking God if He might hook him up with a gig on land until finally God was like, "Alright dude, I'll cut you some slack, but some day, you'll have to get me back for this." So, Jonas was set on land.

Well, what most people don't know is that few thousand years later Jonas' great-great-a-bunch-of-times-removed granddaughter, Joan, was out fishing when along comes this big white sperm whale being chased down by some jagoff named Ahab. The sperm whale surfaces by Joan's tiny boat and says to her, "Dude, this stump-legged a-hole is trying to kill me, I need you to hook me up a rescue."

Ahab and his boys.
Ahab and his boys.

Well of course Joan, upon seeing the terrible pirate-looking Ahab, was all, "Umm, I don't think so. Leave me out of this."

But that's when the whale called in the favor of Joan's distant ancestor, Jonas. "You owe me," said the whale, "because my forefather saved yours way back in the day."

"Fine, make him pay you back," said Joan. "I don't owe you shit."

"That's not how it works," said the whale. "If you don't save me, I will curse your family for a hundred thousand years."

Joan thought about this for awhile and was like, "Damn, ok, you got me there. What do I have to do?"

Joan conversing with the whale.
Joan conversing with the whale.

 

The whale said, "Swallow me and hide me in your stomach like my ancestor did for yours."

 

Joan just blinked a few times and stared at the whale with one eyebrow raised.

 

"No, seriously," said the whale. "I mean it."

 

"I didn't know whales could smoke crack," said Joan. "Seems like all that sea water would snuff the lighter out."

 

It was the whale's turn to blink back at her blankly. But then it dawned on him and he suddenly understood Joan's perplexity. "Oh, the size thing," he said, laughing and looking a bit ashamed. "No problem, I'm a magic whale. I got this." Suddenly the great white sperm whale became a tiny little thing and jumped into Joan's mouth. "Swallow," he said to her.

 

"Screw that," she said. "I ain't swallowing nothing."

 

"Do it," he demanded. "Or a hundred thousand years of curse." Joan still seemed reluctant as the great whaling ship bore down on her tiny fishing boat. "Do it," demanded the whale. "Besides, it's only for three days. Then you can spit me out."

 

Well, needless to say, she did it. Ahab came by and asked if she'd seen a whale swim by, to which she said, "No." And for three days she carried that whale around in her stomach, paying back for the spared life of her long-dead ancestor Jonas. On the third day she spat it out.

 

"There," she said looking down at the whale lying in the sink. "We're even now, right?"

 

"Yes, said the whale," looking happy at first. But then, he was all, "Hey, wtf? I'm in a sink. What did you do?"

 

Joan looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"Why am I in a sink?"

 

"What, you want me to take you out to the garden?"

 

"Oh my god," yelled the whale. "Where are we?"

 

"Toledo," said Joan. "I came home. You didn't say I couldn't go home. That was the last day of my vacation. I had to work today."

 

"Jezus," said the whale. "Are you an idiot? I can't return to my normal size in here."

 

Joan, seeing that the whale was going to be an ungrateful jerk, turned the spigot on and washed the whale down the drain, calling out to him as he swirled away, "We're even. Next time be more specific."

Standard Microscopic Sperm Whale cage.
Standard Microscopic Sperm Whale cage.

It was at that point that the Microscopic Moby Dick entered into the drinking water system and from there spread across humanity as a pet. Teenage boys discovered this pet first and frequently keep them in a sock.

Microscopic Whales make great pets and are fun as hell to make, although in truth it's mostly a pet for the older animal lovers of the world. While men seem to possess more of these pets than women do, women frequently enjoy them as well. A fun game for couples to play is Joan and the Whale, but many women often treat their pets the same way their ancestor Joan did back in Toledo. But regardless of whether you are male or female, the Microscopic Moby Dick is a fantastic pet that anyone can keep once you locate a source for procuring one (generally there are no shortages of volunteers).

Conclusion

So there you have, five great pets that anyone can keep. They don't require special cages or tanks and the odds are you have everything you need to keep one of these great creatures already handy in your home. Who doesn't have a glass for an Amoeba or a sock for their very own Microscopic Sperm Whale? Nobody, that's who. You have this stuff at home so now it's just up to you. Go out and have some fun in the amazing world of animals, and bring some guilt free joy to everyone!

Pet Poll:

Which one will you try first?

  • Amoeba Farm
  • Plate of Botulism
  • Miniature Condor
  • Cobs
  • Microscopic Sperm Whale
See results without voting
The Galactic Mage, book one of the Galactic Mage series. 7 weeks in the Top Ten for Amazon Sci-Fi. Check out the book trailer video on my website: http://DaultonBooks.com
The Galactic Mage, book one of the Galactic Mage series. 7 weeks in the Top Ten for Amazon Sci-Fi. Check out the book trailer video on my website: http://DaultonBooks.com

The first story in this book is about a philosophizing sperm. If you don't laugh, you are dead. See a doctor. (The rest is amazing too.)

More by this Author


Comments 66 comments

spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

O...M....G...

You are so seriously twisted...LOL! I'm laughing too hard to say anything else at the moment. I'll have to get back to you.


anime_nanet profile image

anime_nanet 8 years ago from Portugal

Another smily hub from u shade!

Keep it up!


pgrundy 8 years ago

This is so timely, what with Halloween and Christmas just around the corner!

I always thought it was kind of mean of people to only feed birds that eat sunflower and millet seeds when there are all these raptors and condors and so forth who need love too--but do you see people nailing porch chops or chunks of liver to their picket fences for THOSE birds... Noooooo!

Thank you for speaking up for alternative pets. The time has come.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Alright Spryte, I trust you'll come up with something appropriately amusing in time.

Thanks Anime, I try.

That's right Pgrundy. And the best part, think how inexpensive these pets are to give as gifts. The holiday season just got cheaper for everyone on your giftlist that has kids... heck, even the adults if you go with number 5.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

With teenagers running around, I suspect that #5 flourishes in great numbers around here. But, all things being equal, I'll just stick with the cat. It belongs to the neighbor, anyway.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

A++++! Ha! Ok, I voted for the botulism. It's the subversive in me I guess. Switching from subversive to submersive, I tried to convince the wifey for years to get a pet mini Moby and she finally agreed. Unfortunately, her system didn't and he ended up dying a painful death right there on the pillow. It was sad. I moped around for a month, while the wifey developed a sudden thirst for Lysterine. Go figure! It still doesn't make any sense.

I wanted to take this minute to congratulate you, but I gotta run and check on the penicillan I'm growing in the fridge. Good work! I hope your kids appreciate you as the perfect father that you obviously are.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Well BT, better to keep your neighbor's cat than his mini whale I assure you.

Christoph, I fully understand the botulism thing. I favor that one myself. I am sorry to hear about your mini Moby. Clearly your wife is Joan-like and does not respect the whale. I suppose I should put a link to sell Listerine in this hub just to be fair to all sides of the issue. And no, niether they nor their mother recognize how amazing I am. I make them write 500 sentences every weekend about it: "My father is perfect." But even that doesn't help.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

My neighbor knows full well that if I see so much as 1 of his mini whales, his aquarium is toast! By the way, I think I went to school with Taurus Merde. He always had the best stories! Smelled kinda funny, though.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yeah, I have the same deal with my neighbors on that mini Moby thing. You're lucky to have met that guy. I was supposed to be at a seminar he spoke at, but never saw him. I meet his students almost everywhere I go though.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

*returns after composing herself*

Unfortunately Shadesbreath, as a representative of SPAD & Friends, the Society for the Prevention of Amoebic Dys...turbance...I have to strongly protest this hub. SPAD cannot in good conscience afford to turn and look the other way as you peddle these innocent microscopic creatures...to their own destruction. Nay...their very annhilation.

Did you not stop to think that there is a darn good reason nobody ever really sees cobs anymore? People like you...although well intentioned I'm sure...have hunted the cob into virtual extinction.

I've been assured the microscopic sperm whale is plentiful...however, perhaps TOO plentiful. We have on film something so heinous...well, it just makes me want to spit when I think of what I saw. Microscopic Sperm Whale mills. They're churning out these babies millions at a time every 20 minutes or so. Encouraging your readers to consider keeping one or two as a pet is simply sending the wrong message to these vile capitalists. They'll just keep coming...

As for the amoebas, like the more popular rabbit (or jackalope) they have a tendency to keep doubling their population every so often. Since nobody has figured out how to control the amoebic population other than to boil its habitat... until an amoebic neutering program is in place, we'll still have to protest.

With the miniature condor, the situations is particularly dire. I've posted a link here for you to see what our secret cameras uncovered. I'm warning you now, it isn't pretty and if you have a weak stomach you may not want to watch.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=PoQeO-gsSTY&feat...

SPAD cannot and will never tolerate the abuse of any animal. Perhaps with more stringent regulation on miniature condor ownership, scenes like this will never be repeated.

But otherwise...a great hub!

Sincerely,

spryte, esq.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Spryte, while I do agree that the Amoeba does suffer the boiling fate from time to time, I must protest that your sources regarding the near extinction of cobs is inaccurate.  Cobs thrive in certain parts of the world, particularly in the homes of bachelors.  Being a woman and therefore likely prone to hygiene and cleanliness, you only assume cobs are rare.  I have done the deep research on this and I can promise, you may rest comfortably knowing that the cob is indeed safe and doing well.

As for your issue with the mini whales, well, I'm not sure what a little squirt of a creature like a spryte, pixie or fairie would really know about this sort of thing; it's a human matter, and comments like yours, impregnated with supposition are often the seed of rumors that lead to outright environmental myths.  I'm sure that is not your intent, but I must ask that you not fertilize the womb of misinformation and abort this campaign against the Microscopic Moby Dick.

:)


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

If I may interject. I believe in some areas, these particular whales are extinct.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Not extinct so much as having had their primary avenues of egress, um, rendered ineffective.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

"As for your issue with the mini whales, well, I'm not sure what a little squirt of a creature like a spryte, pixie or fairie would really know about this sort of thing; it's a human matter, and comments like yours, impregnated with supposition are often the seed of rumors that lead to outright environmental myths. I'm sure that is not your intent, but I must ask that you not fertilize the womb of misinformation and abort this campaign against the Microscopic Moby Dick. :) "

LOL! So pleased with yourself...

I'll have you know that there are plenty of fairy type creatures that are well acquainted with the miniature sperm whale. In fact I know of one couple living in the San Francisco area that loves to swap their private collections back and forth between them.

I've heard stories as well that Joan is not the only woman who refuses to give these critters a free ride...and that this has resulted in transportation via a non-human host upon occasion. So don't give me that "it's a human matter."

My dear Shadesbreath...I fear you are shooting with blanks on this one. I'm not swallowing your argument. As a matter of fact, that you even presume to question my own ability to handle such a meaty subject makes me gag. I've got a firm grip on the subject matter and will not stop until the job is done.

:)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Well, clearly you have a firm resolve in this and are going to put up a stiff resistance no matter what I say. I will suffice to point out that Joan was merely the first, that was my point in relating the story and I was not trying to engorge your wrath. (I can't think of anything else. It's too late and we've worked the length of this subject furiously for awhile.)


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 8 years ago from Washington, USA

Very funny article and more than that funny comments... He he LOL


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Shade:

Quite frankly I'm surprised that you haven't gone blind with your strenuous effort. I'm satisfied with your attempts to please me and you may now roll over and commence snoring.

Unfortunately, somebody seems to have knocked over the amoeba farm and left a giant wet spot. Enjoy!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Ty, Country, and the comments are amusing me too.

Spryte, um, lol is the only safe response at this point.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Come Come children play nicely. I for one favour good old fashioned mould especially on cheese. A nice blue mould, richly veined throughout the marbled texture to give maximum flavour,especially when savoured as it is held in the mouth for a prolonged period. Also good with a nice Merlot,


t.keeley profile image

t.keeley 8 years ago from Seattle, WA

This made my day


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

OMG, Sixty, you EAT YOUR PETS? You savage person. I weep for your poor mold. Even Joan spit her pet whale back out. Wow man, I didn't see you like that before. Mold hater. I'm so dissapointed. :P

Good, T.Keeley, it's always nice to be responsible for a day making. Thanks.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Shades you don't undrstand LOL, I offer them a great hereafter, filled with adventure, first exploring my innards and then on to the slime pit at Excrement Inc and on possibly to CERN or the eels or the seahorses. What a great futrue only offered to a priviledged few. "If you love it let it go"


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Hmm, I would say something about stomach acids and the like, but then you might ask how Joan's whale survived. I might then counter with reminding you it was a magic whale, but then, well, that's the kind of stuff that make myths get squishy so, I'm going to go with your answer for now. However, mold is a plant isn't it? If so, there could be a whole follow up hub on microscopic gardening fun! Or maybe, amateur medicine making.

Hmm, no, that sounds like a hub for Bob Ewing. Maybe I'll go make that request of him right now.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

What have I found here, Ahhhhh, the usual suspects now making their innuendo remarks about poor Shadesbreath's pets. I for one have tried to swallow the mini whale on one occasion, but never again, it was far too salty for my taste and was soon released back into the wild via the toilet flush.

As for you Spryte, are you really sure that Amoeba farm was the cause of the wet patch, as I heard over excited mini whales can cause the same phenomena!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yes, Misty, you've discovered them here saying incomprehensible things about these poor animals. For all the focus on the Micrsocopic Mobys though, I'm noticing the botulism seems to be quietly dominating the pet poll. Interesting commentary on human nature. As for releasing them back to the wild, they're happier if you take them back to the sea, allowing them to reside as Jona did in the whale, in-tummy as it were, until such time as he could be released in his prefered locality. But, hey, Joan has her fans too.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I have eschewed the pet botulism, in favor of a hybrid that I have been developing. Botunella, as I call it, is the result of careful distribution of room temperarure mayonnaise on raw chicken. Store in an unflushed toilet for 2-3 days, and you have a wonderful new playmate for the kids! It really is about as much fun as you can have with your clothes on!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Wow, that does sound like a fantastic pet. Your kids can take sides and play Adolf vs Sadaam with that stuff. What great fun. Way to get into the spirit of altertnative pets, BT. I should have known that a candidate for President would be able to come up with ideas like that.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

"Botunella, as I call it, is the result of careful distribution of room temperarure mayonnaise on raw chicken. Store in an unflushed toilet for 2-3 days, and you have a wonderful new playmate for the kids! "

Yes, there was a Saturday morning cartoon on TV of this in the 1990s. All kinds of bathoom and kitchen germs and stuff talking and dancing and scheming. Were you the creator of the at series?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

I am completely perplexed by your comment, sixtyorso. Do you mean to say you are depositing your pet moby's on cheese? Did you not read the hub? That is not the ideal home for moby's. If instead you are referring to pet botulism, sure, they can survive in a fridge, but their growth is retarded! They like a nice warm environment. Please be kind to these creatures.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Just out of curiosity, what the hell does a mini whale eat? I know their favorite environment, but what do they like for dinner?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

A very good question! I wait with baited shadesbreath for the answer.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

I believe they prefer eggs.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

ewwwwwww!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

lol


Tari profile image

Tari 8 years ago from New Zealand

Wait. .wait... are you trying to say Santa, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy aren't real? wha??

I should read the rest of that I suppose but I can't quite get past that... lol


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Yeah, sorry about that. But then, you could choose to believe that I am not a credible writer and therefore, by disregarding everything I say, you can keep your beliefs in tact.

The answers are out there.

:P


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

They don't eat eggs!!!

In fact, they don't eat (one of the benefits of minature sperm whale ownership). They also don't live very long...and they tire easily after a long swim. Luckily, there are millions more where that one came from and they are easily replaceable. One of them is as good as the next...sort of...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Well, there are the rare exceptions, like the one in the video swimming against the grain.  Oh, and Spryte, I know YOU of all people have read John Barth's book _Lost in the Funhouse_ with it's great opening short about the reluctant sperm.  Tell me you have.

(In fact, I'm putting an Amazon link to that right now LOL. God, that book is so funny. Now I need to go read it again. Thanks for making me think of it.)


rmr profile image

rmr 8 years ago from Livonia, MI

I'm pretty sure I've heard of lazy ones. And if they don't live long, you're sure gonna have to spend a lot of time making more!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

I can think of tasks far more onerous, to be honest, RMR. And they only don't live long because of the TOXIC ENVIRONMENT into which they are most often introduced. I mean, I'm not saying that means anything per se, just, you know, saying.


Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada

I run a foster home for all the unwanted pets it seems so if you need a new home for your amoebas, mobies and cobs for a mere donation of 19.99 Canadian Dollars I'll give them all a good home. Sixtyorso I also have room for the Merlots and Gewurztraminer better said I'll sacrifice some of my space for the good of the Merlots etc...

I hope this will help regards Zsuzsy


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

LOL way to take one for the team on the Merlots and Gewurzt's Zsuzsy. You give and give, that's what we love about you.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

My botunella is finally ready! I have them under the microscope, and they all have sinister little goatees! These things are cool! I'm sending you a do-it-yourself kit, Shades. It's the least I can do.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Man, you rock. I have a neighbor I'm going to challenge to a bio-warfare game as soon as I get it. Thanks a ton.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

Darn Shade...now I'm going to have to go and find that book (since I haven't read it).  Is it similar in humor to "The Rape of the Ape?"

Oh, btw...you don't need corn on the cob to lure in those elusive critters anymore. I found that a Cobb salad worked just as well.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Just make sure you keep them in the toilet for the prescribed period of time. If you do, you will see that they all have cute little e coli pets, on leashes. That ought to give you the upper hand against the neighbor.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

I have not had the pleasure of that book, Spryte, but I did just Google it, read a description and put it on my book list.  Sounds like fun.  However, I can't attest to similarity obviously.  Suffice to say, the first story is hilarious, the over all book is genius (it's a composit novel, very fun for the diligent), and there's an Odyssian story in there that is so brilliant and amazing that, well, anyway... I do gush.

Sweet.  I almost included ecoli as a pet option... very nice you brought them up. I'm going to destroy my neighbor. (Do ecoli work on dogs?)


Amanda Severn profile image

Amanda Severn 8 years ago from UK

I'm sure I discovered botullism, e-coli, and salmonella thriving under my boy's toenails when he came home from the summer's camping trip. There might even have been some of sixty's cheesy mould there (certainly smelt like it!) No merlot though, but I guess he is only nine. Gosh, kids these days. Always trying to sneak new pets in! SIGH!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Amanda, children have a natural affinity with nature that we adults have lost. Sixty's mold thing, well, that's another whole deal. I've sent a detatchment of psychologists, anthropologists and two bar bouncers to his house to have a talk with him. We'll see how it goes in time.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Given their proclivity for drinking from toilets, and licking things that, frankly, should never be licked; I can't guarantee the effectiveness of e coli on dogs. But I'm pretty sure the botunella will handle them nicely. In the meantime, I am working on a "special" line of chew toys impregnated with... well I can't give away all of my secrets, now can I?


Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

As soon as I saw the title on the hubtivity page, I knew this had to be yours.

The amoeba looks like great fun, although I'm not sure that it isn't a little too violent in nature for little ones.

Thx for the history lesson about the origin of the mini Moby. Fascinating. Really.

Absolutely hilarious as usual, Shades! Thx for the morning chuckle.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

Dang, BT, another genius idea. You're gonna have your aisle at Just-Pay-Us Superstores. Chew toys sound like just thing, maybe some infect faux jerky strip or something. You, you might even market that to the military. We're going to be rich! (Notice how I included myself there.)

And you are right, Shirley, amoeba's are fierce predators, gobbling up all kinds of other helpless protozoa. Parental supervision is advized so that little Suzy or Jonny isn't traumatized by all the cytoplasmic gore.

And, I'm very happy to have informed you on the micro-moby thing. Ignorance is dish best served ... with fries? Dunno where that was going. Anyway, I'm glad you laughed, but, frankly, a chuckle is not good enough. Go back and read it again, keep reading it, until you shudder with gut bending guffaws. (Oh, and if you REALLY want to laugh, go look at the youtube link I put in BT's Zoo hub. I'm still guffawing at that thing.


Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Mmmmm, fries....yummy!

I shall work on upgrading that chuckle to a snort to a full blown belly laugh! I'm now officially in training, and will follow your advice for maximum effect.

Thx for the tip! Gee, pet guidance and laughing tricks all rolled into one. You are a full service writer.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

It's true. What can I say that modesty does not prevent from passing these humble lips?


Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman 8 years ago from Florida

WOW!!! I really don't know what else to say! I laughed so hard I started to cry!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California Author

I have that effect on women.

(Thanks for saying so, means a lot to know when a joke sticks. You just never know with humor, toss it out and hope someone thinks it's funny too.)


sunforged profile image

sunforged 7 years ago from Sunforged.com

utterly speechless, Im so pissed that I let my girlfriend convince me to let her rescue a puppy, when I should have convinced her to realize the wealth of unloved pets that already lived amongst us.

anyway,puppy is going back to the pound, Im going to have to monetize this mini whale idea, Ive started already, but im running out of names

thanks for the help, your a godsend!


Annie 7 years ago

This was funny!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

I know, I laughed the whole time I was writing it. I'm glad you and a handful of other's got it. :) Thanks for saying so, too. :)


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

I should read the comments, which I am sure are as hilarious as the hub, but it is late and I am tired. Although I tried, I just couldn't decide which of these magnificent pets I would choose.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

The amoebas are easy to keep, but the cobs are a close second. The whales are the ones that amuse me most though. :D


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

I just read the comments. Wonderful!

Btw, what is "D"? I have seen it quite a few times and am ignorant.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

It's colon-D, :D It's a smiley face :) except with a big sh!t-eating grin. :D


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

Thank you.


Jeeva 4 years ago

where can u find the mini whales


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

Or they're easy to find. If you are unable to get them by yourself, ask almost any guy and he'll probably offer to give you some for free.

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