Ashley The Bachelorette: Faking It Vegas Style

Ashley Getting Married?

Ashley Hebert's fake Bachelorette Wedding
Ashley Hebert's fake Bachelorette Wedding | Source
The Bachelorette
The Bachelorette | Source

Fake Weddings Make The Best First Date…?

William and Ashley went to Vegas for the first one-on-one date of the season, but not to gamble or take in a show or even to throw skittles at prostitutes. Instead, they took the most logical step two strangers can, by planning their fake wedding. Yeah, that makes sense (about as much sense as them being treated like celebrities by idiots on the street which was mind-boggling).

Poor William had never worn a ring, never looked at diamonds, and she dragged him to a jewelry store and started talking engagement. That’s a big deal, not to mention insanely awkward. (Made me think of Melissa when she freaked out on Jason for robbing her of only being engaged once in her life...I have to stop watching this show.)

Being a good sport, William even said “I do” during the ceremony, and she responded with “that’s the cutest thing ever.” Could she be any more condescending?

Sticking to the phallic themes of Bachelorette dates, they rowed out in the middle of the Bellagio fountain where eruptions are a regular occurrence. It’s so romantic to have dinner where drunkies vomit and homeless people urinate, dontcha think?

Their dinner conversation was interesting and extremely revealing. William told her he’s always wanted to be a stand-up comedian and that his father was an alcoholic who suffered a tragic death. How’d you like to swallow that with your poached salmon on a first date?

William later said “this is for us” when the fountains were shooting off. Hate to break it to him but no, it wasn’t--they go off every half-hour, you narcissist.

You Can Dance, For Inspiration

Ashley The Bachelorette
Ashley The Bachelorette | Source

Shake Yo' Groove Thang

For the group date, 12 of the menz were flown to Vegas and were greeted by Ashley, who was inexplicably dressed like Mary Anne from Gilligan’s Island. All part of her fancy makeover, I suppose.

Somebody had the great idea to have this nerdy buncha white guys have a dance-off to determine which 6 got to stay for the second half of the date. In a semi-shocking discovery, Stephen the hairdresser is a good dancer…not really instilling confidence in his heterosexuality (I love a good stereotype now and then).

The best thing that came out of this was West’s visionary name for the group, “No-Rhythm Nation.” Much respect.

How terrible would it have been to be one of the people in the audience who shelled out hard-earned cash to see professional dancers and end up with some sorry saps to shake their booties?

In Classy Bentley news, he was hell-bent on receiving the date rose for competition’s sake, and used his daughter as a pawn in his little game. Doesn’t get any lower than that. In a stupid girl move, Ashley ate up his garbage (probably would have literally if he’d asked because she’s such a fool), and actually BEGGED him to stay with “please please please stick around.” Awful.

Mickey, Is That You?

Flip Of A Coin

Mickey and JP flipped a coin for the final date of the week, and then JP moaned about losing for the rest of the episode.

Mickey is cute (as Ashley pointed out every 30 seconds during their date), except when he laughs he looks like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas.

This gimmick led to Ashley and Mickey flipping for everything during the date—that would have gotten old with me in the first 30 seconds. When Mickey won a chance to ask her anything, he chose “When was the last time you cried?” Demented.

After a ridiculous moment of Ashley pretending to leave the rose-giving up to chance, Colbie Caillat came out of the first private concert of the season. I think the show needs some new writers.

Not Prince Charming

Dear Ashley, I don't like you.  Thanks for the rose! Love, Bentley
Dear Ashley, I don't like you. Thanks for the rose! Love, Bentley | Source

Roses & Raindrops

Over the course of the week, West revealed he’s a widower, Mask Man spoke of his brain hemorrhage, and we learned Mickey’s mother and William’s father passed away 6 years ago. Talk about depressing.

William became Public Enemy #1 by having alone time with Ashley after already receiving a rose. It didn’t help that he was doing a George W. Bush impression that night too. Nobody likes that.

Watching Bentley and Ashley interact is gut-wrenching, vomit-inducing, and rage-inspiring. It’s embarrassing for women everywhere because he makes comments to her face that shows his lack of interest. She asked if he was Prince Charming and he flat out said no. Stop gazing into his serpent eyes and open your ears, sister!

After the roses were handed out, the Mask was still standing which particularly perturbed Matt. He called his mother right away to ask for a ride home from the airport and some French toast. Sad thing is Ashley likes mama’s boys! I thought it was nuts she sent Ryan M home because he looks like Cary from The Good Wife but she kept some fools with dirty-lookin’ hair.

Quotes of the Week

“I just thought she was starving for dessert.”-William

“I know it can be difficult, but I’m always going to try my very best for you.”-West

“I have such good radar about people being sincere”-Ashley

Frontrunners

JP

West

Roses

William

Bentley

Mickey

West

Constantine (Josh Groban #2)

Ryan P (Save the World)

Ben C

Nick

Ames (might be from Mel-Mac)

Lucas (zero personality)

Jeff (Masked Moron)

JP (Joseph Gordon-Levitt)

Chris (Scott Foley)

Ben F (Josh Groban #1)

Blake

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Comments 2 comments

rorshak sobchak 5 years ago

yay I liked your hub :) keep up the great work!

rorshak sobchak


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Megavitamin 5 years ago Author

Thanks, Rorshak!

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